[Xelora]

So I continue to obsess and grieve about this exgirlfriend of mine and my friends say just to remove all traces of anything that reminds me of her from my life.

That just feels wrong to me to my very core. She's a part of my life experience and always will be and it wasn't all bad. It feels like throwing away important parts of my life and my self to do that.

I'm not even sure what my future feelings will look like towards her. I know I need to get past any feeling that I need to be with her to be happy. I think I have to at least give that up completely and totally to be able to be friends with her. And maybe I'm not really ready to be just friends yet, because so much still hurts. Probably similar stuff for her too. But do I have to even give up the idea of being friends with her? Of ever talking to her again? That is much harder.

I haven't had a ton of relationships. Really I can only think of one that intense before my marriage now, and we're at least distant friends of a sort now I think. But yeah I don't think it will ever be like when we were just friends before anything ever happened. It just seems a shame that relationships so often kill off any chance of friendships. It's all so hard and confusing right now.

I'm just not ready to contemplate losing her forever in every way and I think that's what's making me act and feel so crazy.

The other thing being "cut off" always reminds me of is how I've cut my dad out of my life. He's the only one I've ever done that with like this really, and when I wonder if people see me like I see him, or if maybe I should let up and talk to him...it just sends me into a whole other level of angst.

[Visioneer]

What you have just said sounds so familiar to me I thought for a moment you were my X :P We have discussed this mutual feeling, not being sure whether we should give up on being friends and go our separate ways, or try to remain in contact and have a friendship. I'm not sure that either are possible, because we work together every day, until I can find a new job, so we can't go our separate ways, really. There will have to be some level of contact. Also, things were so complicated and emotionally charged that we're not sure if we CAN be friends at this point, or any point in the future. It's a really uncomfortable and sad situation.

All I can say is, don't take your friends' advice unless you know that is what you are ready to do. You may need some time away from her to decide what you want to do, and I'm sure she would understand that you need space for a while. But don't entirely discount the possibility of being friends just yet. Give it time.

Good luck, I hope both of us figure this out!

[Lenny]

Hi Xelora....

Try to remember that emotions do bias thinking...like when you have a toothache it is very hard to think of the pain in others when your pain throbs in agony...

Give yourself some time for the emotions to quell...

Stay active,,do things,,action of any positive kind is a wonderfull way to move aside the obsessive thinking about her...

In time you will find it easier to think rationally about her and how she will or will not fit into your life...It is not important to make any of those choices today..

And about your Dad...I don't know any of the history there,,but without that advantage,,I will make one small token of advice...If it bothers you,,then do something about it...

With Care,

Lenny

[bluebird2]

Don't burn bridges!

I can be temperamental sometimes and say things I regret very much later. Protect your emotions, but be careful not to ruin something that could be valuable later.

[Dwayne61]

The situation that you're in reminds me a lot of something that I'm trying to deal with. Although she and I were just friends, I'm really beginning to realize that I wanted a lot more than that. I also felt like I needed to be with her to be happy.

You said, "She's a part of my life experience and always will be and it wasn't all bad." That's exactly the way I feel about my friend. I realize that I invested a lot more in the friendship than she did, but I would like to think that in some ways I'm a better person since I've known her.

After a discussion with her a few months ago that didn't go very well, I started to tell her that we were through as friends. I think the only reason that I didn't was because my T suggested that I not do that. I'm trying to get it settled in my mind that we are through as friends. After all, we haven't had a friendly discussion in months. I keep hoping that things will change. If they do, I know that I need to have a different approach to our friendship. One where I protect my feelings a whole lot better.

[Xelora]

Thanks for all the responses so far. I think while I'm still in such a panic mode I need space as much as she does. It's hard to tell myself that though because I keep thinking oh if I say this or that or say it in a better way. But yeah ugg that's just not letting go. And it's nice to feel someone would let you go if you needed it.

I really hope I can be friends with her some day so I don't want to take people's advice to just cut off every reminder. Plus with some mindfullness stuff I've been studying, I think just telling myself I absolutely must get over and stop thinking about her would only make me think of her more. It's still here and the thoughts may still come but that can be ok too I guess.

[Pomegranate]

All relationships in our lives are changing, perhaps evolving. Your current relationship with your ex-girlfriend is doing that right now. You are correct in thinking you can't know what the relationship will be like in the future, or if there will even be one.

As long as the relationship isn't causing you or another person harm, then I would just let it be what ever it is right now. You are going through a process, a journey. You aren't changing channels on TV or turning on or off a light.

There's another thread elsewhere that speaks to unconditional love. Like you with your dad, I have cut my mother out of my life. It's been a very long painful process. I kept thinking I could love her unconditionally - some would say I do. But if her relationship to me is so hurtful and disrespectful that the only way I can "have a relationship with her" is to NOT have a relationship with her, is that really love for either of us? I know in her own way, her very self centered, abusive, unlimited boundary way, she loves me. But her love causes me nothing but hurt and pain.

My love for my mother can not be expressed except by staying away from her, to protect myself and to protect her from me when she hurts me - again. I don't think she would say she feels any love from me. So is my love unconditional or not?

But that question is not what you are asking, sorry to digress. I'm 55 years old and I've spent my entire adult life trying to have a loving, respectful relationship with my mother. Our relationship has taken many forms, many twists and turns. I was as faithful and authentic as I could be in our relationship. I think that's all you can do in any relationship. Let it be what it is for you now. When you need to change it, or the other person needs to change it, that will become obvious and the change will happen naturally, if not painlessly.

[Seabirdanne]

This isn't nearly as deep as what everyone else said, but on a purely material level -- removing all traces, etc. -- I would suggest that if there are actual physical items around that maybe she gave you or whatever and you look at them and it hurts, that you just box them up and put them away somewhere for a while. Don't get rid of them, because someday you may remember how much you liked something, and the pain will have eased and you'll be able to get the item(s) back out and remember the good times. It sucks -- take it from one who knows -- to throw something away (take it to Goodwill, whatever) in a fit of relationship angst and then, months later, wish that you still had it, whether because you just liked it or because it represented what was best about the relationship.

Originally Posted by Seabirdanne

This isn't nearly as deep as what everyone else said, but on a purely material level -- removing all traces, etc. -- I would suggest that if there are actual physical items around that maybe she gave you or whatever and you look at them and it hurts, that you just box them up and put them away somewhere for a while..

Im in agreement with Seabird . I'm quite visual and those visulizations are the hardest to remove . They get deeply inbeded. take one last look and toss them .

Prayer helps .

To let the person go in peace.
Staying in the now when ever a thought about them arises and redirect it.

The more you de reinforce their memory the more room there will be in your mind and heart for new people.

There are so many wonderful beautiful people around . Sometimes we can give way to much power and much of it is an illusion we have made about the other.

Patricia

[bonaire]

Most Ex-relationship people don't want to be friends. You have to be ready to not be friends at all with her. I miss old girlfriends quite a bit. However, being married for 15 years now - that isn't helping me any... Memories are good. But what is *great* is an ability to look at the future as wide open and challenging. You appear to be looking at the past and defining your future based on your past. This is something that therapy can help with - it's worth looking into.