[AAAAA]

Logically I know we’re all human and that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. When I look around I see traits that I so admire in other people and wonder why there is such a trade off.

One woman that I met about 3 months ago is awesome. She’s hard working, honest, attractive, caring and so calm. Nothing seems to rattle her. I so envy that. And yet, with all of this going for her she’s with one of the biggest losers I’ve ever met in my life. He doesn’t work, in and out of jail, tries to be very controlling and not that it matters but he could not be called attractive in any sense of the word. She even handles his attempts to be controlling well (although in my opinion she should kick him to the curb). When he publically decides that she’s going to do this or that, she calmly responds. She isn’t disrespectful or rude but she gets her point across. She does however respond to his manipulation.

Recently he was arrested for driving while intoxicated, reckless driving, fleeing, and resisting arrest. She spent several days jumping through hoops to get him out of jail and set up things so he could be on house arrest rather than sit in jail until his trial date.

Why would someone with so many positive attributes tolerate such a loser?

it might be familiar to her. chances are she grew up with a lot of dysfunction and somehow it feels normal to her to rescue others. people think they are helping when sometimes they are really just enabling.

[kris9999]

These kinds of things are normally learned from the parents. There is a good possibility her mother was with a man much like the man that she is with.
There could also be some insecurities that she is facing but from the sound of her, that's not her only problem if it is a problem at all.
My guess is that she is dealing with this man because her mother dealt with a man similar. After seeing something for so long, it kind of becomes embedded in you. I am much like this woman because of the way my mother was and I see that, but it is still not any easy thing to change.
I hope your friend can learn that she deserves better and that there is better out there. I wish you and her well! TC!

[Lenny]

Toxic shame...

What you might be seeing is the facade...inside she may be holding on for dear life and this activity in the rescuing of this man may be giving her some self value..

IMHO.

Lenny

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by Lenny

Toxic shame...

What you might be seeing is the facade...inside she may be holding on for dear life and this activity in the rescuing of this man may be giving her some self value..

IMHO.

Lenny

I agree with Lenny. There's a rip tide under those calm waters.

Maybe she feels she cant get any better, that he is the type of man she deserves ? She is not worth much more ?

Are you friendly enough with her to ask ? Maybe a bottle of wine at the pub or at her place and she may open up to you.

[AAAAA]

He made a big deal about a minor accident she had about a month ago. He has no financial stake in this at all, he lives with her in her house and does not contribute to the household income. I asked her in passing why she'd put up with this behavior, she never really answered so I think she probably doesn't want to talk about it.

I truly wish I could be more like her. I get so frustrated and irritated relatively easy and she's just able to take it all in stride.

[DePressMe]

You know, I think that sometimes a controlling, negative person can sneak into your life and before you know it you have a commitment to them and the relationship just takes on a life of it’s own. I was in a relationship with that type of guy for 7 and ½ years and he slowly took control of me by sucking out all of my self-esteem by constantly putting me down. He made me dependant on him by keeping me isolated from other people so that the only truth that existed was the version that he told me.

Now, I see that I was just a pawn in his game but, while it was happening, I did not realize that he was manipulating me so much. But, then, and this is really sorta embarrassing, but when I decided I wanted out of the relationship because he really was not good for me, I stayed in the relationship for almost 2 more years because I felt sorry for him and I was afraid to hurt his feelings. He made me feel like I was responsible for him and for making him happy. I felt like I owed it to him because of how much he had “helped” me over the years.

Up until him, I had never, ever allowed a partner to treat me with disrespect or hurt me. I would kick anybody to curb at the first sign of meanness or controlling behavior or anything negative. I’m still not really sure how that man was able to weasel his way so far into my life without me being aware of what he was doing to me. I feel like a real idiot for falling for his lies and being taken advantage of for 7 and ½ years.

November 28, 2008 was my day of freedom. I changed the locks on my doors. I took off his ring and replaced it with a really special gold ring that I bought for myself. I also bought a couple pair of baggy levis and new tennis shoes and I walked or, more like I strutted around town letting my underwear show and knowing that it would tick him off to see me dressed like that.

Right now, I have on my leather bracelet that I had made for me on my day of freedom. It has the date of November 28, 2008 and the word “accept” in gold lettering because that was the day that I accepted myself as good enough just as I was and I gave myself permission to just be me. And, you know, while I was writing this post, I realized that I missed myself over those years. I enjoy being around myself because I am an interesting person and truly like myself. Dang, I want those 7 & ½ years of my life back.

[notz]

DePressMe,

Your every word as if my own. Congratulations for giving yourself freedom.

Hopefully this other woman will find the courage to salvage her life and make it healthy and whole.

[jerrymichele]

I have known some peeps who have been with men who are being treated the same way as this. I really think it's because of low selfesteem. I know of someone in my life going threw this right now, and it is driving my nuts. This certain someone in my life is always making excuses for him, and she feels sorry for him.She gets so upset with me, because I told her that I don't buy into his excuses, and that she can find better then this. I guess some peeps just feel they are not worthy of expecting standards, and values in a relationship.

[KathyM]

Maybe she loves him unconditionally? Maybe she takes her marriage vows seriously?

When I was a little girl, I never understood why my father stayed with my mother. She was an alcoholic, she was mean, lazy and suicidal. While she was in a coma after a suicide attempt I finally asked dad why he didn't divorce her. He said "When you look at your mother, you only see a weak and pathetic person. When I look at your mother, I see the beautiful and vibrant woman I married." I'm thankful now my father took his marriage vows seriously - his love was all she had in life.

Has your friend given you any indication she wants to leave her husband?

[AAAAA]

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that they're married. This is a relatively new relationship for them, together for about 4 months. Not married, she was married to a jerk but this guy is just a live in boyfriend. Which made his comments about how she spends her money even more offensive to me. She did find this offensive as well and did express that she wasn't going to put up this type of behavior. But then he got arrested for DWI etc. and she worked her butt off to get him out of jail.

But all that aside, even though I'm a firm believer in taking those vows seriously, there's no way I would tolerate that behavior and she has so much going for her I just don't understand why she does either.

Depressme - yep she does respond to the manipulation. It's so sad to see. I wonder very much if she stays with him not because she doesn't think she can do better but because she knows he cannot and would like to "save" him.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by KathyM

Maybe she loves him unconditionally? Maybe she takes her marriage vows seriously?

When I was a little girl, I never understood why my father stayed with my mother. She was an alcoholic, she was mean, lazy and suicidal. While she was in a coma after a suicide attempt I finally asked dad why he didn't divorce her. He said "When you look at your mother, you only see a weak and pathetic person. When I look at your mother, I see the beautiful and vibrant woman I married." I'm thankful now my father took his marriage vows seriously - his love was all she had in life.

Has your friend given you any indication she wants to leave her husband?

Your father is a good man. I was married to an alcoholis once, and I just need to say that I couldn't stay with him, and I could never do it again.

[AAAAA]

I’m repeating myself I know as I’ve posted this a million times on this site, BUT my mother stayed with my father who was an abusive alcoholic. Now their story did have a happy ending, my father was able to get help and remain sober. HOWEVER it is my firm belief that it was her responsibility to protect us, her children, from ANYONE that would do us harm. My brother and I carry a great deal of baggage because of our childhood. My mother has a selective memory and does not “remember” the most horrible of the instances. They were madly in love their whole lives, from the time they started dating when my mom was like 12 until my father’s death several years ago. Love was never the issue, behavior was.

As happy as I am that things worked out for them eventually, there was an unexpected side effect. My first cousin was married to an abusive alcoholic herself. He beat her to a pulp more times than I care to remember (her kids also carry the scars from her waiting so long to leave him). When she finally got the courage up to really leave him the support system really wasn’t there for her. There was always “ X and Y were able to work through this”. Statistically my parents had better odds of winning the lottery than overcoming the abuse and hardships.

It is my firm belief that if you have no children and choose to live in this situation that’s one thing, but once you make the decision to bring children into this world your promise to them is much more important than the one you made at the alter. Choosing to remain in an abusive relationship with children is not only irresponsible it’s selfish.

The woman in question has 4 children from her marriage varying in age from 19 – 11. The 3 youngest still live at home, one girl and two boys. I wonder what she’s teaching her children about how a relationship should be and how her children feel about seeing a virtual stranger verbally assault their mother.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I wonder what she’s teaching her children about how a relationship should be and how her children feel about seeing a virtual stranger verbally assault their mother.

Sadly,,,fear and shame both of which can take a lifetime to erase...

And AAAAA...nothing wrong with repeating such a valuable message..over and over.....

Lenny

[50guy]

Well, my Mom was with my Father for 25 years and he was a mean, racist, alcoholic cheating liar. She loved him up to the day she died last year in October. My Mom lived a sad life and she cried almost everytime I talked to her. She had a "friend" who was also a raging alcoholic, bum and a loser. He sponged off my Mom all the time. When she finally did leave him and retired from her job, she died suddenly just 4 months later.

I have a friend that has lived with her "partner" for 30 years and he hasn't had a fulltime job in all those years. She is very educated with 2 degrees and is a school teacher. He is a musician and plays at honkey tonks for $50 a night when he can get it. She just loves him, he dosen't contribute a penny to the hosehold expenses and has now told her he is too old for sex, he is 49. She says there hasn't been a physical relationship for 5 years. I don't know why she puts up with him, heck I don't know why my wife puts up with me. I'm DID and although I love her dearly, I feel like just never coming home one day. Just disappear off the face of the earth and go hide away somewhere. She knows I feel this way and is afraid I would do it.

We just purchased 2.36 Acre of land with a 2004 14X80 3 Bdrm mobile home on it where we will build our retirement home. I don't know why people stay together when they have these situations but, I am glad my DW stays with me, otherwise I'd be 6 feet down and covered in dirt.
I am never abusive to her, just to myself. I constantly think I 'm no good, a loser and will never have anything, yet I have a wonderful wife, family, 2 houses, an RV, 2 vehicals, and now this property. additionally I have 6 grandkids......a lot to be happy for, yet.............................

I don't know why people put up with real losers and even those that think they are. She could have done so much better.

sorry I'm ramblin'

Eric

[May*]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

He made a big deal about a minor accident she had about a month ago. He has no financial stake in this at all, he lives with her in her house and does not contribute to the household income. I asked her in passing why she'd put up with this behavior, she never really answered so I think she probably doesn't want to talk about it.

I truly wish I could be more like her. I get so frustrated and irritated relatively easy and she's just able to take it all in stride.

Option 1: - she feels she doesn't deverse better.
This may sound a bit stupid but never mind, when i was younger my mum always told me that if i don't clean my teeth more no man will ever kiss me. this went on for a long time, obviously my mum was trying to get me to clean my teeth more which i hated doing. anyway as a result of this i felt that i didn't deserve any man, i was about 17 at the time, no friends and builled a lot (i mean lighter and arosal in my face burning my hair kind of bulling not the point). i meet some guy online, and meet up with him, he was really stupid and gugly, but i was with him and convising myself that i couldn't get anyone any better. it didn't go on too long, as my dad told me to look at the way i behave when i have seen him and then when i haven't been around him for a while. i realised he made me a really misserable and angry person, so i left.

Option 2: - she feels sorry for him.
I have an example of this too. I was about 18 this time, this guy who was scared of becoming his father (in prison) and it really bothered him, he was very drepressed i felt sorry for him, and thought i could help him somehow. we were friends for a while, realising he had never had a girlfriend and thinking that it would boost his confidence i went out with him. some time later dispite all my attempts i realised that the only person who could help him was himself, (hardest thing i know), and he was really being to creep my out, drinking too much etc.. i became scared that he would be voliant towards me, i decided to leave him knowing nothing i could do would help and i'm only putting my own life in danger. breaking up was interesting as he turned up drunk the next day i mean 3am, really angry banging at my window. later i felt bad as what started as me trying to help, made his situation worse.

If she feels sorry for him, them maybe try and explain to her that the only person who can fix his life is him, not her and she shouldn't not get in the way of that. If she feels that she doesn't deserve anyone better, then she has a lack of self confidence and self worth, maybe complementing her, and if you resect her qualities so much why don't you tell her, maybe she can help you not be so frustrated at the little things. or maybe you have OCD.

[AAAAA]

Oh I’ve learned the hard way not to interfere with other people’s love life without invitation. I just admire her a great deal and cannot understand how she tolerates it.