[WillMoe84]

I am a sophmore in college at a small midwest liberal arts college in a suburb of Chicago. Last winter I met this girl, who we will call Erin, at a fundraiser for a Habitat for Humanity trip we were going to go on during our spring break. From the moment I met Erin I knew there was something. I got to know her over the spring break trip and throughout the next months. I found out many things about her and I began to care deeply about her. I found out that she, as well as I, held her first kiss. As a matter of fact she had never had a boyfriend, which I found as a major turn on and as an incredible thing because she is a beautiful girl. I watched her grow and become the amazing person that she is and I realized that I wanted to ask her out this year. The major issue with this is that other guys have asked her and and she has turned all of them down. Also, I had conversations with her about dating and all of them bascially said that she didn't want to date anyone. So over the course of the last year I have tried numerous times to 'get over her' so that I don't hurt myself by asking her out and getting shot down because I know she doesn't want to date at this time. However after this last spring break trip(which we both lead different trips, I was in West Virginia and she lead a trip to Texas) I came back to school wanting to ask her out. I predicted that she would turn me down, which she did, and since then I have been trying to get her out of my mind. If you want more information about what I think about Erin ask me and I can get you more information.

Basically, what I am asking is how do I get her out of my mind? I just don't know what to do I have tried for over a year to get her out of my mind. The biggest sign of affection that she has given to anybody is a hug and that is the best I got, so I have no physical connection to her, yet I cannot let go. What do I do? What can I do?

Also, along with this problem I have noticed that I always have to have a 'prospective girlfriend' to think about. Erin is just the latest, longest, and the hardest to get over. I find that this behavior is maladaptive and needs to stop. I just want help in figuring out how to forget about Erin and stop my maladaptive behavior.

Thanks,
Will

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Will Moe --

I don't have any great ideas about this. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and care.

The traditional wisdom on the subject is keep busy doing things that you find fulfilling, continue to date others, don't keep reminders of her around. When daydreaming or fantasizing about her, give yourself a time limit and then get involved with something else.

IMHO, sometimes only time heals.

gosh, i don't know what to tell you. have you tried asking someone else out? that might help,if you dated...even if it was just a "fun" date....and do you hang out with guy friends? sports? i wish you good luck.....pat

[WillMoe84]

That is the thing Pat. She just pops into my head. I, of course, have continued to hang out with others and I have tried to distance myself from her, however, I find her virtually perfect. Its hard to imagine another person being more amazing than she is. I would date other people, but I am not going to ask someone on a date that I would not like a date with and frankly, Erin is one of a very small number of people I would consider dating here at my school. There is actually only one other girl I would consider dating and she currently has a boyfriend. I almost dated this other girl, but she was just getting out of another long relationship and I didn't think she was ready for another relationship. See I am in a very peculiar situation because there are things I am looking for in a mate because I still hold my virginity and my first kiss, so I desire to have those things in a mate. That is partially why I have so few girls to chose from. There are plenty of attractive girls, but very few that fit my standards, which I have lowered over the years. Erin is one in a million. The other girl is one in 700 thousand. So that is why Erin is so appealing.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Will Moe -- I reread your first post several times after reading this one.

Several things occurred to me as I read these. First, a lot of idealizing of Erin seems to be going on. Because you do not have much contact with Erin, she remains an idealized image for you. Much in the same way that James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and Princess Di will always remain highly idealized images of youth and beauty in the the public conscious. No real relationship can compete with this idealization, because stuff happens in relationships that requires us to grow and cope.

Second, I noticed that you identify yourself as being in Chicagoland. That's a big old world out there. Life doesn't end at the boundaries of your campus. Perhaps you would find more young women who meet your ideal if you became involved in a large, conservate congregation that offers a lot of different kind of activities, especially youth-oriented activities, during the week.

I do understand that college is, in itself, very demanding, so you probably have time constraints on how active you can be in outside activities.

Best wishes for healing and finding other young women to be involved with.

[WillMoe84]

I am just curious then. Are you suggesting that I settle for less than, what I would consider perfection? Since love is all relevant to they eyes of the beholder.

Also, I am curious, are you one of the professionals that proctor these forums?

[WillMoe84]

I want to thank all of you for your kind advice. I think things are settling down. I thought it was going to be harder to accept our relationship, just as friends, but it has been easier since I had a few breakdowns. However, I do find that when I spend more time with her it is harder for me to keep my thoughts on the path that I need to. The thing I just keep telling myself is that this is God's plan and if I am not to be with Erin, I am not to be with her, and if I am to be with her later in life, I will be with her later in life. But for now I need to remember that it is God's plan and His timing, so things will happen when they are supposed to and with the right people. Once again thank you, but I don't think I will ever accept the fact that we will only be friends. I think I will always have a desire to date Erin, unless I do find someone 100 times better than her, which is hard to think of because I have idealized her and she is practically perfect, but one day things could change.

Thank you all,

WillMoe

[Eternal_Cat]

Perhaps if you are truly only seeing her as the 'prospective girlfriend' then you do not really have any romantic interest in her. But what's worked for me in the past is to immerse myself with other people, like family. Plus, there is no reason why you cannot simply be friends with this girl, is there?

[dogtanian]

i'm not sure if it's relevant, but i've been in similar situations and realised two things: if you work out nothing is likely to happen, you start to see more friendly things in that person and less idealistic romantic stuff. second: if you really like someone it's better to have them in your life as a friend than not at all.

i don't think it's a question of getting her out of your head completely, maybe just re-evaluating hoiw you see her, why you see her this way and how much you would be prepared to compromise on not getting everything in order to ensure you keep something.

whatever you decide, good luck x

[jmo531]

Will,

This story sounds so familier to me. When I was in 10th grade there was this boy named, well, we will just call him T. Since the first moment I laid eyes on him I just got weak in the knees. He was so, so , so , so Beautiful. As perfect as another human being can be. Over time, I interacted with T. We hung out in basically the same crowd. He was always very nice to me and he was plenty aware of my feelings. Months and months I spent chasing after this boy. Finally part of me just had to let go. Nothing was going to come of it so I needed to move on. So, who better to go out with then his best friend, J. Remember, I was in high school so this is obviously very immature behavior. Anyway, J and I went out one night to the movies and then hung out at a mutual friends house. Word got back to T and the very next morning I got a call from T asking me why I would do that. I was confused because T never wanted a relationship with me so why was he calling me? Anyway, I didnt talk to T for a good many years. A friend and I ran into T and it was like all those feelings I had were back again. He and I were much more mature now and I thought, what good timing. T and I hung out all the time again. One night we shared a special kiss that I will never forget. To this day I can still remember how that kiss felt and it was the most amazing kiss I have ever had. Things never worked out for T and I. Eventually, I met my current hubby and have been together for 10 years and married for 5.
I guess sometimes, in life, we are lucky enough to meet such special people and never really cam let go. I mean, I still think about T now. Now in the way that I used to but I certainly care. Sometimes, we have to just move on. Even though our heart aches, we must accept the the other person is either not ready or does not feel the same way. It's one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn and one of the most painful. I understand your feelings and your not alone.

[WillMoe84]

Eternal_Cat

I understand the ideas that you have given me, however, I have tried all of those. I met Erin over a year ago and have known(indirectly, meaning hear-say) that Erin was not interesting in me, as I was in her for I understand the ideas that you have given me, however, I have tried all of those. I met Erin over a year ago and have known(indirectly, meaning hear-say) that Erin was not interesting in me, as I was in her for about 10 or 11 of those months. I have struggled to go over my feelings. I have always understood reality, however, I just haven't been able to cope with my emotions. I have broken down 4 times as a result of talking to her about the prospects about the future. I made the decision last week, with persuasion from my professor who teaches the counseling class(which I am currently enrolled in), to go to counseling to help me deal with the problem that has controlled my life at times. We will see how it goes.about 10 or 11 of those months. I have struggled to go over my feelings. I have always understood reality, however, I just havn't been able to cope with my emotions. I have broken down 4 times as a result of talking to her about the prospects about the future. I made the decision last week, with persuasion from my professor who teaches the counseling class(which I am currently enrolled in), to go to counseling to help me deal with the problem that has controlled my life at times. We will see how it goes.

[WillMoe84]

dogtanian--

The wheels are in motion to see her in a less romantic way, through therapy, which I recently started for this issue in my life. It will be hard since she is so close to being what my ideal is and with the American society becoming more promiscuous it is harder to find females that are as beautiful as Erin and hold the same values that I do.

As for appreciating the friendship instead of wanting just romance. I will get there, but first I need view her as a friend as someone that is my ideal and someone that I really want to be in my life forever.

[WillMoe84]

jmo531-

Thank you so much for your story! That really helped, but has hurt. It helped because it showed me that you can live a life with those people who you just do not want to forget, however, it hurt because you said you still have a special connection with T and I do not want that. I am scared if I don't dissolve my feelings for Erin then I may become disloyal to my future wife or girlfriend because I have never seen, heard, or found anyone closer to perfection than Erin. So I really like your story, but exactly what I am scared of is in that story. The fact that you never really resolved your feelings for T. I want to resolve my feelings however I can and I hope that they counseling that I entered into this past week will fulfill this goal.