[jenkins09]

Hi everyone,

I found out 3 months ago that my wife was having an emotional affair. I had a gut instinct that she was and confirmed this when I found transcripts of conversations that she had with this man. She had phone sex with him, they exchanged explicit photos, she belittled me to this man and talked about him leaving his wife and kids and the two shacking up. I own my part in the marriage not being as good as it should have been. She however is trying to blame me for her affair and will not take any responsibility. She wont talk about it with me and expects me to just get over it. Our marraige counselor is the same way. I need to be able to discuss it to heal. I am at a crossroads in my life. I want to work things out, but if she wont even discuss the affair and own it, I dont know how it will work. Any advice?

[jerrymichele]

I would find a new marriage therapist. I agree with you. How can the two of you move on if she won't admit to her wrong doings. If you do go back to this therapist, at least ask her why.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

I would find a new marriage therapist. I agree with you. How can the two of you move on if she won't admit to her wrong doings. If you do go back to this therapist, at least ask her why.

jerrymichele is a wise one! New therapist for sure!

That being said, while I haven't gone through me or D having any type of affair, D was determined to leave about 4 years ago and have us divorce. (We didn't, and there is much damage and we are working on it in therapy...) Realize though, if she wants out, there is no convincing her to stay. Even if you persuade her, it may be prolonging the inevitable. Make sure you take care of YOU, even if that means going to a therapist on your own. It hurts like all get out, but I promise you will find inner strength you didn't know you had...

[VickiesPath]

I was guilty of doing this in my previous marriage. I didn't have an actual physical affair. But it was exactly as if I had. My husband was completely oblivious to anything at all being wrong with our marriage. Well, he knew there were things that weren't right but he didn't have the courage to talk about them and as long as I was happy having the emotional affair, I wasn't going to make the first move.

He had an explosive temper. He was a recovering alcoholic. Once, when he found evidence on my computer of conversations I had with my "friend", he became very beligerent. I had not seen this side of him and I knew that he had been physically abusive before and had witnessed his father beating his mother throughout childhood. I suggested he move out and he complied because he was afraid for his actions and my safety.

This led to our divorce. We never had a chance. We had a three year old son. We never went to counseling or addressed our issues. This was a mistake.

My life has turned out OK. But I will say honestly, we did not deal fairly with the issues and did not handle things the way we should have. The man I was involved with online went away. I cut it off with him.

I agree that you should get another therapist and your wife needs to admit this affair, even though it's only emotional.

[AAAAA]

I have to agree that a new therapist is in order. I think the fact that your wife is unwilling to address issues that caused her to seek another relationship says that she's not ready to share this with you, not putting 100% into repairing the relationship.

[theotterone]

Vickie makes great points here.

If this is off topic, please call me on it. Unfortunately, a lot of "these type" of things happen when there is lack of communication. D and I are working through A LOT of issues. I am not actively weighing whether to stay together or not, just taking on the issues as we go through them in therapy.

There are a few things we communicate well about. (Unfortunately, too many things we are both too defensive to talk about). One is my relationship with my "BFF" (often referred to BF for Best Friend, not Boy Friend! LOL) When D and I got together, his best friend for over 15 years was a woman with whom he had an intimate relationship with as a teen. I was threatened, but got over it, knowing who he was coming home to. (BTW, that relationship has ended, but that is another story all together!) About a year ago, I connected with a co-worker of mine who is a single dad of a son a year older than my youngest daughter. From an outside perspective (this is the reason I brought this up) our friendship may appear like an emotional affair. EXCEPT, D and I have talked about it at length, everyone knows the boundries (my family, INCLUDING D, comes first) and everyone is comfortable with it. In fact, it was D who insisted I plan on going to my BF's place every Friday after work. Not only is it an escape for me, but the BF's son has issues and needs the regularity. D even said he was fine with me acting as a "Mother Figure" to "the boy", as long as my family comes first, there is room for them and my family is willing to share me on Friday nights. D and the BF have met, hung out, like eachother and D adores his son.

I guess the point is an "emotional affair" is not quite as easy to pin down as a physical or sexual one. Like I said, at first glance it would appear I am having an emotional affair with my BF. The difference is that I am not engaging in any inappropriate behavior with him and D is totally fine with it. If D was not, I wouldn't spend the time I do with the BF, his "girlfriend" (again, different story) and his son. It really comes down to what the two people in the marriage are comfortable with...

[confused confession]

she is not willing to give you 100 percent it appears her feelings for you have gone and she is looking for some one

[Pomegranate]

It takes two people, both giving 100% to make a relationship work. If she's not willing to do her part, there's not much you can do. If you keep doing your 100% and work on your part of what was wrong in your relationship, it will make you better, it will make you better for your next relationship and it could possibly be noticed by your wife eventually and soften her to admit to her own part in the problems in your marriage.

Stick to working on yourself, cleaning up your side of the street and taking care of your kids if you have any, or any other obligations you have. I know it hurts very, very much to be rejected and cheated on. But time is on your side as long as you are concentrating on yourself. You are the only person you have control over. Knowing that and using that knowledge is a powerful tool to making a better, happier life for yourself. Good luck to you.