[tizzylizzy]

my husband and I are having a hard time communicating and I feel it is my fault becuase I am dealing with both of our stress issues. I try to tell him this but he refuses to accept this. How can I tell him this without causing a fight? Becuase every time I cause a fight it makes my anxiety go through the roof, then my depression kicks in afterwards.

[Hunny]

Tizzylizzy,

Sorry to hear of your situation. Coming along side but without much to offer. Sorry to say.


The relationship with H is just so stressful, ever since August.

Just over the top, again!

It would take weeks to explain the complexities and it is just so tiring to even think about. Being kicked in the stomach comes close to the feeling but so tired to be able to figure it all out again.

Huge anxiety. Can not take one more thing with him, or one more time, or can I?







H.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by tizzylizzy

my husband and I are having a hard time communicating and I feel it is my fault becuase I am dealing with both of our stress issues. I try to tell him this but he refuses to accept this. How can I tell him this without causing a fight? Becuase every time I cause a fight it makes my anxiety go through the roof, then my depression kicks in afterwards.

This has to be the #1 issue between D and I. It is even something we are working on in Therapy together.

With our stress level so very high with his dad here, we have to put aside our own issues for a bit. It's hard, but we have to do it.

When we try to communicate with each other, we are so defensive that it is hard to hear each other. Try to bring stuff up without blame. When we have such high stress, it is hard not to take what the other person is saying as blame.

[Fuzzybear]

[tizzylizzy]

Originally Posted by theotterone

This has to be the #1 issue between D and I. It is even something we are working on in Therapy together.

With our stress level so very high with his dad here, we have to put aside our own issues for a bit. It's hard, but we have to do it.

When we try to communicate with each other, we are so defensive that it is hard to hear each other. Try to bring stuff up without blame. When we have such high stress, it is hard not to take what the other person is saying as blame.

I hear what you are saying, my husband is going through alot of internal pain and I am struggleing with the fact that I may not be a canidate for the epelepsy surgery, so that is why our stress level is so high, but I do alot of journaling, and we have our own section of the house that we go to when things get to rough, and I do my journaling, and he does his thing. And that helps with his stress level. We give it a couple hours, and then we are level headed enough to talk calmly. But it is hard to not bring up blame.

[VickiesPath]

My current hubby and I have been married ten years. We have a fairly good marriage. We are fairly happy. The reason I use the word fairly is because there are always things to work on and that will always be.

When we married, we had lots of stuff to work out. He yelled. I didn't. I hated it. He thought it was normal. When we argued, he would be in my face. I told him to back off. He didn't. I said with teeth clenched,

Back.
Off.

He didn't. So, I left in the car. When I came back, he said where did I go? I told him, when I say back off, I mean give me some space to cool down.

Anyway, we began our adventure into learning how to fight. Here's what we learned over the course of ten years and it wasn't easy. I moved out about three years into it. He went to counseling and asked me to come back. I did. He changed big time.

1. Talk in "I" statements. When you do this, I feel this. It works. Do not say it in such a way to place blame. Simply say it to express a feeling and lead into a way to change the behavior so that the feeling doesn't result.

2. Try the technique of mirroring back what the other person has just said. One person says a statement. The other person says, "What I heard you just say is........". You will be surprised when you realize that the other person is NOT hearing what you said. After doing this for a while, both of you will become less sensitive to getting your feelings hurt by what the other person is saying and you will be better able to hear the exact words the first time.

3. When you are discussing something really important, limit the amount of time you spend on it and agree to revisit the subject again later. This will give you each time to think between discussions and tempers won't flair. This means take more than one occasion to discuss really important matters.

4. Don't discuss important things while drinking. Under no circumstances do this.

5. Don't discuss important things when tired.

I hope some of this helps. It helped us. If not, I hope you are able to find solutions to your issues. Marriage is damn hard. We have to work at it all the time. We have retirement coming up. Oh, joy.

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by tizzylizzy

I hear what you are saying, my husband is going through alot of internal pain and I am struggleing with the fact that I may not be a canidate for the epelepsy surgery, so that is why our stress level is so high, but I do alot of journaling, and we have our own section of the house that we go to when things get to rough, and I do my journaling, and he does his thing. And that helps with his stress level. We give it a couple hours, and then we are level headed enough to talk calmly. But it is hard to not bring up blame.

H is mild (?) traumatic brain injured, I am DD but in therapy for some time, hence my sense of responsibility. Blame self more than H.

Thanks for the reminder about journaling. Hated to go there as just wanted to be in denial. Now it's time to 'deal' with, again.

Best wishes,







H

[tizzylizzy]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

My current hubby and I have been married ten years. We have a fairly good marriage. We are fairly happy. The reason I use the word fairly is because there are always things to work on and that will always be.

When we married, we had lots of stuff to work out. He yelled. I didn't. I hated it. He thought it was normal. When we argued, he would be in my face. I told him to back off. He didn't. I said with teeth clenched,

Back.
Off.

He didn't. So, I left in the car. When I came back, he said where did I go? I told him, when I say back off, I mean give me some space to cool down.

Anyway, we began our adventure into learning how to fight. Here's what we learned over the course of ten years and it wasn't easy. I moved out about three years into it. He went to counseling and asked me to come back. I did. He changed big time.

1. Talk in "I" statements. When you do this, I feel this. It works. Do not say it in such a way to place blame. Simply say it to express a feeling and lead into a way to change the behavior so that the feeling doesn't result.

2. Try the technique of mirroring back what the other person has just said. One person says a statement. The other person says, "What I heard you just say is........". You will be surprised when you realize that the other person is NOT hearing what you said. After doing this for a while, both of you will become less sensitive to getting your feelings hurt by what the other person is saying and you will be better able to hear the exact words the first time.

3. When you are discussing something really important, limit the amount of time you spend on it and agree to revisit the subject again later. This will give you each time to think between discussions and tempers won't flair. This means take more than one occasion to discuss really important matters.

4. Don't discuss important things while drinking. Under no circumstances do this.

5. Don't discuss important things when tired.

I hope some of this helps. It helped us. If not, I hope you are able to find solutions to your issues. Marriage is damn hard. We have to work at it all the time. We have retirement coming up. Oh, joy.

Thanks for your advice, I will really take it to heart. it means alot to me that I finally found a web site that people show support. Thank you.

[tizzylizzy]

Originally Posted by Hunny

H is mild (?) traumatic brain injured, I am DD but in therapy for some time, hence my sense of responsibility. Blame self more than H.

Thanks for the reminder about journaling. Hated to go there as just wanted to be in denial. Now it's time to 'deal' with, again.

Best wishes H

I know journaling is not fun, but it helps get your feeling out, and helps figure out how you can express your feelings to your main partner. Atleast it does to me. I hope it helps you. My hubby is physically disabled and I am mentally disabled. So it is kinda hard on both of us. So I have got to learn to deal with this, and on the fair side so does he. Which we are both trying to do very hard. I hope journaling works out for you like it does me, and I hope that it helps with your communication. I wish you the best, tizzy

[theotterone]

I know it is hard to do, but if you have time to "cool down", try writing things out as objectively as possible.

Admittedly, I have struggled with this in the past. Since going on Adderall, I've been able to slow down and look at the consequences of my words and actions before I say/do something. This has been incredibly helpful, especially as of late.

I always had a hard time "journaling". I found notebooks I like (unfortunately, they are kinda spendy) and pens that I like the "sensation" of writing with. (I'm weird that way, but on a regular sharpened pencil, when you have that little piece of graphite that is a little harder then the rest, writing with it is much like fingernails on a chalkboard for me). I even "labeled" my notebooks "Inspirational" when I feel my words are more ornate then practical, "Discovery" for when I am writing about the things in my life I am discovering that goes beyond my normal perceptions, and "Write To Rant" for when I need to write out raw emotions to help figure them out or need to bring something up in Family Therapy so I don't get confused. My BFF laughs at me a little about it, but if it works, I'm going with it! I agree with Hunny, in the sense it is hard. Things are more "real" and harder to deny or ignore when you have written it down. I have found motivation to go through this pain to figure things out, but there are times I will write something and have to put it aside because it is "too much" at that moment.

D and I are communicating better than ever, partly because I am so much calmer and can see things so much more clearly. He even gave me a "back-handed" complement last night. When you see it you'll understand why I describe it that way. "You are a lot smarter than I ever thought you were!" (He almost got smacked for that one. Almost).

Good Luck!

[Hunny]

Glad to hear you are persevering, Tizzy and Otter:

H never went to therapy since brain inury and won't.
They didn't follow-up with him (back in those days), nor him with them. It's been on our own, with best kids and super T and our belief and some compassionate folk that we've made it thus far.

Have filled about 25 journals now just couldn't bring any part of me to journal 'this event' before now...just too devastating, but obviously not, cause here this post is. It's like one of those journal revelations.

The otterone, the body cannot handle meds but at times have used them when things have been off the screen, which this time came so close. Glad you brought up the 'too much' of journal writing too. That is why there hasn't been one for awhile. Takes friends who 'get it' sometimes to kick back and do it. It's time to start again.

There is a twist to our story. He lives at his house and not here, so every bit of interaction is magnified to months and denial can last alot longer. It's just how it is. There is nothing to hate about it but it is different.

The blame almost goes away with writing about it here, for you too?

Originally Posted by tizzylizzy

I know journaling is not fun, but it helps get your feeling out, and helps figure out how you can express your feelings to your main partner. Atleast it does to me. I hope it helps you. My hubby is physically disabled and I am mentally disabled. So it is kinda hard on both of us. So I have got to learn to deal with this, and on the fair side so does he. Which we are both trying to do very hard. I hope journaling works out for you like it does me, and I hope that it helps with your communication. I wish you the best, tizzy

Take care ,







H.

[theotterone]

Hey, I've lived with D for over 12 years. Just because you are in the same house doesn't make denial any less there...

Since I have found so many different ways of writing and expression, it has helped greatly. Sometimes, confronting things you don't want to is too intense. Just know you have support here!

[tizzylizzy]

Originally Posted by theotterone

I know it is hard to do, but if you have time to "cool down", try writing things out as objectively as possible.

Admittedly, I have struggled with this in the past. Since going on Adderall, I've been able to slow down and look at the consequences of my words and actions before I say/do something. This has been incredibly helpful, especially as of late.

I always had a hard time "journaling". I found notebooks I like (unfortunately, they are kinda spendy) and pens that I like the "sensation" of writing with. (I'm weird that way, but on a regular sharpened pencil, when you have that little piece of graphite that is a little harder then the rest, writing with it is much like fingernails on a chalkboard for me). I even "labeled" my notebooks "Inspirational" when I feel my words are more ornate then practical, "Discovery" for when I am writing about the things in my life I am discovering that goes beyond my normal perceptions, and "Write To Rant" for when I need to write out raw emotions to help figure them out or need to bring something up in Family Therapy so I don't get confused. My BFF laughs at me a little about it, but if it works, I'm going with it! I agree with Hunny, in the sense it is hard. Things are more "real" and harder to deny or ignore when you have written it down. I have found motivation to go through this pain to figure things out, but there are times I will write something and have to put it aside because it is "too much" at that moment.

D and I are communicating better than ever, partly because I am so much calmer and can see things so much more clearly. He even gave me a "back-handed" complement last night. When you see it you'll understand why I describe it that way. "You are a lot smarter than I ever thought you were!" (He almost got smacked for that one. Almost).

Good Luck!

Now that I know were I stand on my epelepsy surgery, it has really calmed me down, and along with journaling and asking myself power questions everyday, and the advice I am getting here I find the communication bettween hubby and I to start getting better. I find this site to really help me. Thank you very much.

[Hunny]

What are your power questions?











.

[Hunny]

Thanks theotterone:

Have started to feel more level today, like almost nothing happened. Whoa, don't want to go that far. Still seeking and processing though.

True about living in the same house and being in denial, otter. Thanks for supporting.

Tizzylizzy:

A relief to know where you stand on your epilepsy surgery, for sure. It seems like we both have brain-type things as a challenge. Thanks again for starting this thread. Sometimes it seems like the word 'communication' is like a grain of sand in comparison to all there is to work on. sigh.







H.

[tizzylizzy]

Originally Posted by Hunny

What are your power questions?
My power questions are,
Morning Power Qestions:
1> What am I happy about in my life right now
a: What about that makes me happy?
b: How does that make me feel?

2> What am I excited about in my life right now?
a: What about that makes me excited?
b: How does that make me feel?

3> What am I proud about in my life right now?
a: What about that makes me proud?
b: How does that make me feel right now?

4> What am I greatfull in my life right now?
a: What about that makes me greatfull?
b: How does that make you feel?

5> What am I excited about in my life right now?
a: what about that makes you excited?
b: How does that make you feel?

6> What am I enjoying inmy life right now?
a: What about that do I enjoy?
b: How does that make me feel?

7> Who do I love? Who loves me?
a: What about that makes me loving?
b: How does that make me feel?

Evening power questions
1> What have I given today?
a: in what ways have I benn a giver today?

2> What have I learned today?

3> How has today added to the quality of my life or haw can I use today as an investment in my future?

Then if you want you can repeate the morning power questions











.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I have been very busy, but Here are my power questions:
Morning Power Qestions:
1> What am I happy about in my life right now?

[surealsupermom]

Lizzie,
Why are you carrying his load of stress too? The best way to change the situation is to change how you are thinking and acting. Try to find ways to relieve your own stress should help. Hope you are doing well, I learned the hard way how to let things go...