[ChipmunkGal]

Hello all,

I'm going to make this short and sweet even though it's really long and complicated. Excuse me if I sound bitter and I apologize in advance. I'm a little disenchanted. Here goes, I'm newly engaged and instead of being excited about planning the wedding (like most women)....I'm miserable! I've narrowed it down to the following reasons:

1- I hate wasting $$$$. I'd rather pay my taxes and buy furniture.
2- I feel left out because my father will not be giving me away (I have nobody to do this and I feel ashamed)
3- I'm 150% AGAINST a bachelor party. This is a dealbreaker. Luckily, he agreed not to have one and I won't be having a bachelorette party either.
4- I feel guilty for asking my female friends to fork over $$$ to buy a dress they will only wear once. Plus I don't want to be hassled about not having a bachelorette party.
5- I feel too ugly/old/fat to be a bride. Brides are supposed to be young and look like beautiful angels. I don't so.... what's the point of pretending?

My fiance is really upset that I feel this way but he just doesn't understand. I don't know what to do.

Hey, sounds like you really don't want to do wedding stuff.
Keep talking to your fiancé. If he doesn't understand it, then I don't know if your fiancé is the right person to be your husband...

Or you can come up with your own ideal wedding should be.

Good-luck

[daytimedreamer]

I am sort of in the same boat as you are, although the reasons that I'm having trouble with the wedding are a little different. I wish I could offer you advice on how to get through it.

I am just soldiering on. I have accepted that it is mostly for my fiance and his family that I am doing this (although I'm sure that I will be less accepting of my impending public humiliation once I am a little closer to the date). Good luck with yours.

Actually, I can tell you are excited. But this seems very bittersweet to you..

1. Try to keep everything as sweet&simple as possible without the $.
2. I'm very sorry about this...but on an optimistic note, you'll have everyone beaming at you when you walk down the aisle.
3. At least you will save money on this!
4. For the dresses, I think you should find a nice and affordable dress that you can all agree on.
5. THIS IS YOUR DAY! Please Chipmunk, I hope you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world on your wedding day. This is your special day& please don't forget this! Weddings are beautiful and the bride is always more beautiful!

Keep talking to your fiance, he cares about you, he's there for you!!

Stay well& good luck

[phoenix47baby]

My husband and I flew to Hawaii- just the two of us and had a private ceremony with the priest/justice of the peace, a camera person and a video. It was done in a backyard with a beautiful waterfall. We wore hawaiian garb had champagne and a hawaiian cake and wore leis. Then we honeymooned for ten days WITHOUT family influence or friends. This is your time. You owe no one a wedding. This way you won't have to worry about bridesmaid dresses, planning, or how you feel. One phone call is all that it takes. www.hawaiianweddings.com

[KathyM]

((Chipmunk))

I understand how you feel. Weddings are so expensive. Even if I had a LOT of money, I wouldn't want to waste it on an elaborate wedding. I've attended many weddings, and most of the brides don't remember much from that day because they were so focused on details.

For the record, I got married at a courthouse. It was a beautiful autumn day, so the trees were dressed in their finest colors. While we were waiting for the "ceremony" to begin, the bailiff whispered something to the judge. The judge said "We'll marry this couple first, then you can send in the criminals. It struck us both as funny, so we giggled throughout the entire ceremony. Afterward when we opened the doors to leave, the "criminals" gave us a rousing round of applause.

What matters most is the marriage, not the wedding. I hope you'll find a way of making your day special without it overwhelming you - or breaking you apart.

[Yoda]

So how about forgetting the "traditional" hype and make your wedding personal and include what is important to you and forget the wedding traditions that are fueled by business?

It is your day so make it what you want. If you want balloons and cupcakes so be it. If you want to get married in a hot air balloon do it. Choose what you want it to be.

I am sorry that your dad cannot be there. My dad (stepdad but he was always the real dad) died when he was only 56 and I wish I could have had him with me longer.

[tonih]

I felt the same way when I got married 5 years ago. Remember, this is your wedding! If you are unhappy, then change it. My dress, shoes etc cost me less than $20.0 from a resale shop. The ceremony was at my inlaws and there were only about 10 people there. I was still nervous, but what new bride isn't? Looking back, I would not change a thing. The trip we took to the mountains to go camping is what I remember and it was perfect. do what feels right to you! and Good luck!

[firstmate]

My husband exchanged our vows in our bedrooom one night, our rings in Walmart when we paid for them, and signed the papers one afternoon in the court house after going to work in the morning. No witnesses, justice of the peace, or anything. I'm not sure if it's possible to do that in every state, but in the one we were living in at the time it was an option.

I come from a big family and each of my siblings had the three day wedding thing. They were a little disappointed that they weren't invited, but we lived a thousand miles away at the time. We had a reception for them three months after the fact. I think they were most upset that they couldn't do the wedding pranks to me like I did to them. They all got married in their 20's and I was 37 when I got married so I didn't need all that stuff.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything but the headaches of choreographing a big show. I've done that with other things and don't feel the need to do that any more.

In the end, you have to do what's right for you and what you can live with. Some people need the show, I just wanted to get on with married life.

Wishing you the best!!!

[SilverNeurotic]

Have you considered elopement? It's not for everyone, but it sort of sounds as though that might be the ideal wedding for you. Of course the groom might feel differently, but suggest it.

[Pomegranate]

I've been married three times. Never went in for the big shindig wedding. My focus was always more on our relationship rather than a one day event. Like you I'd rather spend that kind of money on something much more practical.

My second husband was getting married for the first time. He wanted something more elaborate. He and his family paid for it. And we compromised. I didn't have a traditional wedding dress or any bridemaids - we kept the hoopla very low. We had about 50 friends and relatives, a nice meal, a judge came to our home and married us. That was it.

The other 2 weddings were even less elaborate. The third consisting of a judge, myself and my husband, both our mothers (our fathers both dead), his sister, my daughter. Three's been the charm. This marriage has lasted almost 13 years now, the first two never made it to the 2nd anniversary.

If you two can't work out a compromise for one day, what is the rest of your married life going to be like? It's important you two work this out together to both your satisfaction.

[ChipmunkGal]

Wow, thank you everyone! I appreciate everyone's feedback, advice and encouragement. We have talked things over the last few days and have both made a few compromises so far. Things are slightly more optimistic than when I posted this. I will keep everyone updated.

[ChipmunkGal]

I can't believe it was only 11 days ago that I wrote "things are looking optimistic" because now they aren't. He won't even talk about the wedding anymore. He just kept spitting out demands about how we HAVE to have this many people and we HAVE to do things like this. I don't even want to have a ceremony at this point! He tells me that he thinks something is wrong with me and asks me why Im not like a regular "girl" and why I'm not excited about "my wedding day". Oh and by the way he keeps referring to it as HIS wedding day...not ours. I can't do anything but cry at this point. Im sorry I'm ranting.

[Pomegranate]

Don't be sorry for ranting. Rant away! This is major. Trust your gut - not your head. You can always GET married. When it's right it will feel right. If it doesn't, wait until it does.

You may be saving yourself from greater heartbreak in the long run. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is acting like a mini dicator and is guilt tripping & manipulating you for the rest of your life? If he really loves you, his care, concern and understanding for you and your feelings, should come out when you express your fears, desires and doubts. If that doesn't show up in him, that's a VERY BIG RED FLAG.

[SilverNeurotic]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

I can't believe it was only 11 days ago that I wrote "things are looking optimistic" because now they aren't. He won't even talk about the wedding anymore. He just kept spitting out demands about how we HAVE to have this many people and we HAVE to do things like this. I don't even want to have a ceremony at this point! He tells me that he thinks something is wrong with me and asks me why Im not like a regular "girl" and why I'm not excited about "my wedding day". Oh and by the way he keeps referring to it as HIS wedding day...not ours. I can't do anything but cry at this point. Im sorry I'm ranting.

It kind of sounds like he doesn't know you very well then. If he did know you, he would know WHY you are having issues with the idea of having a wedding ceremony and not want to make a big deal out of it.

[Vanch]

Hello..I think you need to speak it up to your fiance. Part of what you feel is normal but otherwise are just exaggerating. Talk it with your fiance first and keep us updated.

[NuckingFutz]

I would take a step back and take a look at how your fiance is treating you and his refusal to talk about the wedding. Have not heard of a groom being this demanding about wedding details unless being pressured from family. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep us posted!

[NuckingFutz]

How's it going...just checking in with you. Has he started making even more demands and being more short with you yet? We are here for you...