I am so done

I know he does Vickie. lol

Michele~

You know all bout what I've gone through...the ex n all the drama while there, his behavior toward me....blah blah...(much like Jerry is now?), and that I finally, after a year of planning, got out.

I've been gone since August....rite? (DANG....5 months already...how time flies when there is some peace to be had....lmao)...Anyway, since I've left, the ex went through his share of changes...which I knew was inevitable, but to the degree of his changes has surprised me greatly, (altho I always hoped the best for him, never thought he had it in him TO find better for himself).
He finally got himself into counselling FOR himself....to try to get to the root of all his previous issues, which existed long before me. And so far, he's doing wonderfully...a changed man.

I guess my point to this response is, that sometimes one needs to be forced into a position to HAVE to look at self as the source of an existing issue, (rather than to target a nearby loved one....such as the case with Jerry toward you).
As you know, he is the cause, his behavior is the effect and you are the convenient target. How you REact to his actions is something that is being forced upon you. Not your fault.

I can only hope that he will be responsive to counselling FOR himself, but if it requires you to encourage him there, then so be it...so long as he's aware that it's HIS issues that require attending.
He has to be willing to want to seek self-improvement &/or change. So long as he continues to address you as the problem for his present issues, I don't see much hope with that....just more money spent needlessly, unless, of course you receive benefit from it.

Gawd, I hope this works out for you. You so deserve the best.

Mary

Today he sent me a text and said that he wants us together. I told him about my friend. You know about me moving in with her. I don't know what happened, but I'm still going to encourage him to go to therapy. I also want both of us to deal with these relationship issues. He was very calm today. I haven't seen him like that in a while. Maybe he was bitting his tongue. He wasn't talking to me, so I would send him text messages telling him how I feel. He just wouldn't say anything. Today he talked to me in a calm way. Right now I will just take it one day at a time. He might just be putting up a front, and flip out the next day.

Oh one more thing I forgot to tell everyone. When he text me and told me to leave again. I thought about what everyone said, and told him I would leave when I wanted to leave, and that I wasn't going to let him just push me out. He didn't say anything to that.

I've not got much to add but my support, since the advice you've received already is so good. I want to reiterate this: your safety is number one. Emotional abuse is abuse too, and you don't deserve to suffer it. He tells you to get out, in order to make you feel bad, but then when he fears he's losing you, he'll suddenly shift and be sweet. That's a manipulative technique to keep you feeling lost, scared, and confused, as well as to keep you feeling bad about yourself. "Wow, look how nice he's being to me now, and here I've been so frustrated with him, aren't I a dweeb....?" No, you're not. As I said, that's a technique.

Please take care of yourself and get away from this toxic behavior. Refuse to let him treat you badly. You deserve better.

I know. I'm a domestic abuse survivor, who is now married to a wonderful man. He treats me with respect, and when I thank him for it, he tells me he's merely treating me how I shoud have been treated all along.

If there is one thing that Mike has taught me, it is that men do exist who will treat their partners well. Don't settle for less than that.

this is great michele. i'm really sorry to hear he was cheated on before. i'm sure that would definitely mess with his head. i think as you focus on what you can do rather than what he needs to do then you will start to feel better and may even see changes in him. a part of co-dependency is when a person is focused on the other person and their problems and trying to change them. you can't change him--only he can do that but you can focus instead on yourself and make changes to take care of yourself like you already are by not allowing yourself to be kicked out. as he sees you treating yourself with respect he may choose to treat you with respect as well. or he may not. either way you regain some peace of mind, self-respect and clarity. i do hope your counseling appointment with him goes well. if he agrees to go regularly then you probably have a good shot of things improving with him. here's hoping for the best for you.

My dear, I really feel for you. I am glad you sound stronger now. I am sure you feel better for it.

Everyone supports you here and the good advice is lovely. I would like just to point out:

His 'nice' behaviour when he sees that you have had enough and stands your corner / serious about leaving - is not necessary culculated. It may be that he is suddenly afraid that you ARE LEAVING! He is dependent on you (it may sound strange) and in that I mean he is dependent on you for his being. So when you are strong and serious about how you want to be treated his game is over and he suddenly faces his abandance issues. This is why I think he is quite. I may be off the mark here but I bet this is whats happening.

Keep up the good work and stay strong and cool! You deserve love and respect!! Hugs xx

((((michele))))
You said he does'nt hit you, but it does sound like he's abusing you. Words hurt more than hands in my opinion. I really really hope you can get away from that and he will change hisself for the sake of his son. No one should have to live like that. I am so sorry you are going through all this.

He just did it the other day. He just called me a b**ch. That was the first time he ever called me that. It has stopped. He didn't say it to my face. He said it in the text message, but to me it's the same thing. He knows better to even try to lay a finger on me. I've been there and done that. I'll never let another man ever hit me again. Sometimes I do get a little week, because I don't have the family support. When you don't have a good strong family then it can make things more difficult. If he wouldn't have stopped I was going to leave. I just can't take the argueing. We normally don't argue like this. We have spats from time to time, but not like this. I have been telling him for a while that he needs to deal with his past. All that crap always comes up. It is never good to leave pain blocked inside of you. I'm seeing this first hand. I will right more tomorrow. I;m fixing to go to bed. Thanks everyone. I will keep everyone updated, and believe me the support has really helped me.

Hi Michele,

How are you?

Your last post (34) really reminds me how I felt when I met my bf. Our first 8 months were great. The odd argument but generally it was wonderful. Then, I will never forget this, one evening, he just started - what people would call an argument - but to me it was a long rant. He was shouting. I was the devil. I do not think I have even seen anyone so angry. I dont remember the names he called me but he did. And I felt lost (because I could not understand why or the reason for this or this behaviour). I was shocked and of course hurt. I stayed the weekend with him and this was quite late into the evening so I left the next morning. He called me that evening and sounded very sad. All I could ask him was 'why'. He said he did not know. He did not want to talk about it. But I could not overlook it. I told him he had to understand for himself why he behaved this way and that he should never do this again if he wants to stay with me. It took a while but it happened again. The second time I was very angry. I did not talk to him for days. I could sort of see that he is throwing at me a lot of the things that he should be throwing at his ex. I just said to him that I am not the one who cheated on him and humiliated him, that hurt his feelings so much and that his anger should be directed else where. I think intuitively he could understand I was right but he did nothing to change. Until I left him. Only then did he go to counselling, to sort himself. After about 6 months we were back together and working on our relationship. I cannot say that our relationship is perfect now, after 6 years. But it is supportive and gentle. He still has an anger issue but he knows that. He steps away. He also has a drive to feel ashamed and he is dealing with that too. He used to self sooth with alcohol and now he is not drinking that much. He has dealt with certain aspects of his past and where before he thought all the time that it was only a matter of time until I cheat on him, now it does not even enter his mind. All this took a lot of time and love and patience. And hard work from both of us. Me on the other hand, I had to learn how to set my boundaries firmly, deal with my emotions such as sadness, hurt, anger and fear, allow myself space, and also how to self sooth and take care of my needs. I suffered from PTS and this had a contribution to our interaction...

I am telling you all this because maybe it will help you in seeing what is going on behind the swear words and the constant arguing. That in no means shape or form mean that you should tolerate abuse!! From what you are saying, it sounds like the best thing is for you two to seperate and for each to look after their own needs and issues. Go to therapy seperately and if after 6 months or a year you still feel you want each other then try again. It will be a gift worth giving to yourselves. You clearly cannot go on like this. You are risking your own self worth and emotional (as well as physical) safety.

Let me know how you feel. I hug you xxx

Thanks for sharing. It's really nice to now that someone else has walked your shoes. Not that I wish any of this on anyone, because I don't. Right now things have really calmed down. We couldn't go to therapy the other day, because we ran out of money. We are still going to go. I know that I have issues, but I really think that jerry should get one on one first. He really needs to work threw all this stuff that goes on inside of him. You know something like looking at someone from the past can set him off. He has some issues with his ex and his parents. i would say more then anything his mother has caused the brunt of his pain. I have tried to have a relationship with his mom in hopes that they would work threw their issues, but it's not going to happen. His mother comes across as Jerry being the one who did her wrong, but really it's the opposite. I stopped talking to her, because I'm not going to sit there and listen to her belittle Jerry. She was also wanting me to tell him some mean and nasty things. I don't know. That situation there is just a complete mess. I have told Jerry that when someone hurts you, it might be best to leave them alone. What started our mess is that he seen a picture of his ex. She hasn't seen the boy since he was 3. Jerry walked in on her and caught her cheating. Jerry has a step brother and I guess he slept with her too. And when Jerry and his ex split up his mother sided with the ex. I have been telling Jerry for a while that he needs to deal with these issues. It's not good for anyone to hate. All that does is hurt yourself. It also gets put onto me. I'm just sick of it. He has no trust in me, and I get accused of cheating alot. I never have cheated on him. He just needs to believe that for himself. I love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. I have anxiety, so I can't deal with a bunch of stress. He gets pissed at me when I'm not all stressed out. I really limit my stress, because if I don't it will really make me sick.