I am so done

My bf well ex bf has been tripping on me for the last few months. He is always picking a fight with me. He screamed at me for $30.00. $8.00 was for my meds. I bought some milk, cheese, sandwich turkey,bread, 2 boxes of cereal, a small can of chilli, and that was it. he flipped on me over that, and laundry. I get blammed for everything that goes wrong. I sit here being very calm and he flips. He always tells me it's me. Whatever that means. I just don't blow up for any reason. I don't know.

This has been going on for awhile. Maybe it is time.

I think so. I'm lost as to why other then money. I can't figure out why he is always pissed at me. I'm a calm person, and he is always miserable around me.

You do what you need to do Michele. Just one little bit of advice - don't make serious decisions when you're upset because I don't want you to regret anything. You're a nice level headed woman and I support you in what ever you choose to do. You're in my thoughts and prayers Michele.

BTW - regarding spending money for groceries - if the man isn't the usual shopper, they don't really know how things add up, especially now a days with everything going up in price. It's so easy to spend $50 and walk out with 1 bag.

He keeps telling me to get out. One minute he wants me, and the next is get out. I'm sick and tired of it. I love him. I'm just tired of jerry always being extremely upset over stupid stuff. Yesterday, he was all pissed off that I didn't move fast enough to bring his wallet to the car. He called me and told me to bring it out to him. Well when he started being a jerk. I threw it at him. He just pulled up, and I was putting on my shoes. I was walking out the door, and here goes with the stupid horn. Then he got out of the car all pissed off. Face all red over a wallet. He started being very loud, so I just threw it at him. He was upset about the $30.00 for my meds and the little bit of food that I had bought. He was mad about the laundry, because I hadn't done all of it yet, and let me just tell you, he snapped. He's been doing this crap to me for a while now. Everytime he gets mad, he wants me out. I'm just so sick and tired of it. I have been calm and talk to him about all this when he is calm too, and he won't stop. Then when he's mad sometimes he will go a few days without talking to me. I don't know how many times I have had to sleep on the couch because he's mad. Then he said he's taking me off the lease. We have one car, and he wants me to be out on the street while he keeps the car. He brought it to my attention that since he has worked and I have stayed at home, and he has bought me cloths that I should give him the car. I'm just so mad. He wants me off the stupid lease so he can just put me out. I'm done. I'm just so done. I have tried. This time it's going to be him. If we do get back together it will only happen if he goes into therapy. People just don't act like that for something so mild. It's like getting mad over the wrong toothpaste. That is how stupid I think this is, when he gets mad.

He never gets physical does he? Even so much as launching something your way or even breaking stuff? If so take this sign very seriously & get help to get out. Either way I would say get the hell out for what I know about guys like that. Try to break clean & don't give him an overload of info on where & what you are going to do as he may become the stalker type.

Hope you make it through

Michele:

I'm going to post this to you just to give you some information. Please know that I am not suggesting that you should do this because I want you to be SAFE over and above anything else. OK?

As you probably know, I've been divorced three times. Each and every time, I walked out. I got out as fast as I could. Each and every time, I left most of the value of anything we had accumulated together, sometimes being married 8 years or more, I simply abandoned the house and most of what was in it. All I could think of was getting out. There was no reason for it because none of them were violent or anything. I just wanted to get away as fast as I could.

My question to you is this: Not knowing the background of your relationship, was he on the lease before you? Can he take your name off the lease? Why can't you ask HIM to leave? I know you are not working. But why can't you get public assistance to pay for rent? Or, why can't you go see about getting it now and start making arrangements before he "puts you out"? Or, can you work? Would there be any way you could work to pay the rent? I just don't want him throwing you out of a place you might deserve to stay in.

Next, does the car belong to both of you? If he's working, why can't he buy another one? Why does HE get the car? That seems stupid to me. Honestly, if I was you, I'd cool things down and then take the car to a locksmith and have the keys changed. Or, put a steering wheel lock on it until he agrees to give you the car. Do you have a friend who can help you do this stuff?

Please, please, please. Do NOT do any of this if it is going to put you in any danger. If he has ever laid one finger on you, DO NOT do any of this.

But if I had my life to do over again, I'd have done a lot of things differently. I wouldn't have walked away empty handed as many times as I did.

Please stay SAFE.

oh sweet heart.....I'm so sorry for what you are going through.....I suggest to stay separate for a while then things are getting better and both of you can think clearly.....wish you the best....and keep us posted!

take care of yourself and you know you have us here at PC.
Marjan

Clearly you feel lost. Probably also angry with the way he behaves and the impact it has on you and the relationship. It sounds like he has a serious anger issue and that he is lacking some basic skills of communication and trust. How can you possibly have a serious relationship with someone like this? You cant!

I think it is very important you stand your ground and do it safely. In other words - he can act like he acts but you should rise above it and put it down to his issues. It really has nothing to do with you. So do not let it bring you down or make you think its your fault. It is not!

If you feel that the best thing to do is leave - make sure that you make the arrangements you need to make for yourself. Do not involve him in this. If you are scared then contact the police and explain your situation or talk to a counsellor.

It seems to me that unless this guy understands for himself that he has a problem - he would carry on this way and maybe even get worse.

Keep strong and cool and let us know how you are doing. xx

He's not physically abusive. His abuse is screaming at me everyday, and telling me to get out. I'm on the lease. I would rather stay with my friend and have some peace. I can work, and I'm going to work. I'm just tired of the argueing. Before we moved here. We had problems in Texas. We got evicted from our house, and we had to stay with his stepbrother. Well the 2 of them put me out. my job at the time and I had a friend help me. A few times I slept in the car. We got back together and I told him that if he ever put me out again I will leave him. Everytime he gets pissed at me he always tells me to get out. I'm tired of it. I havent did anything so bad that he needs to keep doing this. If it's not that I get accused of cheating. I have even told him that he needs therapy to take care of these issues with like the cheating. It's weird. One minute he wants me and the next he wants me out. I'm done with it.

Alot of good advice here, Michele. I have to agree with what Vickie's said, regarding the safety of yourself and dot's first, and pertaining to the legal aspects....the lease, primarily.

I don't know the laws of your state, but in California, once on a lease, despite who else is on the lease, the inclusion of YOUR name on the lease is a binding legal agreement between you and the landlord/bank (depending if renting or buying..is irrelevant), and the only way you can get your name removed from that lease is by YOU requesting directly from the landlord. If your laws are anything like California's, Jerry (and the landlord), cannot remove you from that lease without breaking the law.
Years ago, I've personally been through the very same situation that you are in now. I had my son then, although my boyfriend had no kids, but made 3 times the money that I did. The house was furnished with all of my belongings. I was on the lease, as well. It only made sense that he left as he had nothing to take with him, other than his personal things, and he could afford finding another place, as opposed to I couldn't.
Unfortunately, though, our roommate, who was my bf's bestie, was studying law and he found a way of removing me off the lease without my awareness, even though I told my attorney that I was on lease, (and since I was on the lease at the time I sought her help, she told me that I had a good case). By the time it went to court, I didn't have a case and I was forced to leave.

I realize that the legalities may very well be less of your immediate concern at this moment, considering how emotionally stressed you are because of Jerry, but they really are a vital tool which can be used in your favor.
Before you make any decisions toward removing self and your dot's, do yourself a huge favor by looking into what legal muscle you do have. This can prove to be quite useful if/when the time comes.

Please know, too, that his behavior is in NO reflection of who you are, or how you are behaving. He has some seriously deepened issues, (and I know you already know that), which were there long before you. Unfortunately, you are the most convenient source to which he targets his aggressions.
It doesn't matter how non-reactive you are toward him or the situation, it will only escalate even more (worse) from where it is now, which I'm sure you are aware of.

At this point, (other than the primary of your safety, of course), your best strategy is to focus on the legal aspects, protect yourself the best way you can legally. In situations like this, nothing speaks louder on your behalf as the force of the law. Let's see him take his attitude into a courtroom, or to the police, and see how far he will get.
If you can, talk with your landlord and see what really IS in your favor.

With Jerry's behavior, you can't win for losing, and if allowed, he will see to it (whether intentional, or not), that your moral and sense of worth is reduced to nothing.
Your situation sounds very much like mine was, (and you've personally supported me throughout mine....provided me with alot of great advice). Now, it's my turn to (hopefully) be of as much help to you as I can be...and some of that assistance is the very same you gave to me.
You can run circles around him trying to accommodate the peace until you face utter exhaustion. My ex was the exact same way...regardless of my efforts, there was no pleasing him. So, I finally decided that since I can't win for losing, I may as well conduct my behavior to MY favor..he's gunna bittch at me, anyway...may as well enjoy self (for what that was worth), in the process, although that brought me little satisfaction.
The fact that he continued to blame me for his misery became too much for me to bear anymore. It resulted in my complete shutdown, which is NOT good. Don't let that happen to you, Michele. That only makes it that much harder on yourself later on.

Tread lightly, rationally and carefully. So long as you are not in harm's way, begin the process of building a case for yourself, if necessary.

I'm so very sorry that Jerry has pushed you to this point that you are forced to create this change...but remember, this is not YOUR creation. HE has forced you into this, and there is nothing wrong with you caring for yourself and your dot's FIRST.

Keep us informed of your progress. We all care very much.

Much loves, Michele

Mary

Mary my daughter is 18. lol, My boys are 15, and 16 and they live with their dad. So it's just me. He is being a @$$ about his son. I have been raising his son. He said something to his son last night, and the boy came out and started crying. He told me that I don't love him anymore. I went in there and asked Jerry what he said to him. Jerry said that he didn't say much to him, but it's hard telling. I told the boy that I do love him. Jerry is being a total jackass. The boy keeps on telling me that he doesn't want me to leave. Jerry said that he'll get over it. He said that he will forget who I ever was. It really makes me sad about his son. I feel like I'm loosing one of my own kids.

Now, why in God's name did I think you had 2 dots? Man, where IS my head at? I'm sorry, Michele, my mind's out in left field....somewhere far beyond the home run...lmao.
But, besides my oversight, please keep in mind that what all's been said previously still applies, okay?

And for Jerry to tell his son things to mislead him about you is absolutely appalling. Shame on him. I'm sorry that he stoops so low.

Take good care.

Mary

I so sorry you're going through this Michele. How can you feel secure when Jerry reacts this way, by telling you to get out of your own home. He needs to deal maturely with his problems instead of using threatening tactics and dodging the real issues. It's also mean to tell his son things in relation too you. This must be very stressful to his son. Would Jerry agree to counselling or do you think it's not salvagable?

I just wanted to say that I feel for you and your situtation. I hope it works out for the best and that you can be happy in the end

I tried talking to him. He blames me for everything. I asked him if he still wanted to go to therapy. He won't say anything about it. He said that I'm the one who wanted it over with. Yes, I did snap at him. I'm so mad. When someone is constantly *****ing and screaming at you what are you suppost to do. I snapped after I have told him to stop. When he does say something to me I get told that I'm a *****. Honestly, I haven't done anything that is so bad that I need to be treated like this.
I have also heard him say that he has some other woman comming up in here to watch the boy when I leave. I told him that if he has some woman over here it's for sure over with. I'm not going to put up with it.

You can't be blamed for evrything and each of plays a part - it sounds like it's leaning more to his fault more so. Is it possible that you both take some time to calm down and then talk on the condition that you both be honest with each other - no playing games, manipulation, name calling or threats. I feel sorry you're going through this Michele.

He doesn't normally call me names. but now he is. I don't know. We are suppost to go to therapy on Tuesday. I really think if Jerry would work threw his issues we could have a happy life. I have told him this a lot. I think all of this has a lot to do with the past. It's like he lives in the past, but really it's now. Thanks Lynn. I'm glad I have good friends on here.

michele, i am so sorry for what you are going thru. your boyfriend is treating you really, really poorly. first, he shouldn't be "telling you" to bring his wallet to him. it's fine to ask though. the honking--that's just rude. kicking you out of bed is nuts. if he's angry he should sleep elsewhere. you are allowing a ton of crap. is he an alcoholic or drug addict? have you ever thought of going to CODA or Al-Anon? i think it might be really helpful in learning how to stand up for yourself and set appropriate boundaries. also, it would provide you with support locally if you don't have much.

I think you're right Michele, he should work on his past issues and they naturally bleed into the present. Try to avoid mentioning that point too much though - then it seems like one partners blaming the other and they naturally become defensive. I think you both need to agree to be civil for now and go to the appt on Tuesday.

Everyone gives such great advice.
I think that if he is willing to go to counselling then it's a positive sign, and my advice is if you both aren't happy with the therapist then find another one. The one Mark and I went to was just negative about the whole thing when we wanted to work on the issue.
The one I see now is great but by the time I found him it was too late to try couples counselling so I just for for myself

He's not an alcoholic, and no drug use. I do stick up for myself. That is why he is aldo angery at me. I don't just let anyone walk all over me. A lot of the problems that we have are issues that come from his past. He was cheated on before with an ex. Jerry accuses me sometimes of cheating on him. I have never cheated on him. This has caused Jerry a lot of anger, and I can tell that it really hurts him. I have told him that he needs to go to therapy and get over it. He also has issues with his parents. He doesn't trust anyone because of this. So that comes into play with our relationship.

(((((((((((((((( jerrymichele )))))))))))))))))

Thank you fuzzy.

Ever heard Trisha Yearwood's song "The Woman Before Me"?

The woman before me must've been hard on you
Cause the hurt in your eyes, I've never put you through
Sometimes I think you must be talkin' to
The woman before me and you.

We all have family baggage and we all have relationship baggage. He needs to unload his.