[energy]

Hi. I am new here and have posted in introductions and depression forums as well as here. My OH and myself have been going through a really difficult time for a good few years now. We've only been together 8 years. We've had life events happening, plus I already had some depression and anxiety coming and going before we met and ongoing into our relationship which he really helped me with at the beginning. He has been suffering from depression linked to life events for about two/three years now, currently managing it well and nolonger on medication. My libido is zilch most of the time and I can't help but blame myself for not being as supportive and positive when he is going through depressive episode. I think I am lucky he has not self-harmed. I really don't know how to start rebuilding our relationship or if it is possible to get something of our initial attraction back.

My other relationships with family are distant - i crave their love and understanding but feel out of step with them.

Work colleagues - i find the banter and chat with colleagues difficult and never seem to be able to progress realtionships.

Friends - not applicable!

I don't know how to make things better - my OH thinks I should see the doctor and just accept that I can't make friends and don't fit in but I don't think that medication can fix me and find it hard to accept something that makes me unhappy. Everyday contacts with others are painful as I am constantly feeling bad about myself and my social skills - or lack of them!

What do people here think should be my first step? I am quite realistic and know that things are not going to massively change for me at the age I am but I really can't go on feeling like this.

My thought is for you to give professional help a try.

[goodgirl62]

I think that venting on here might help. I haven't had friends in a few years myself. When I look back at times when I had a lot of friends, I didn't have as many problem either. I cared about my friends but they couldn't handle my constant drama. Not against them but they just kept hearing about it. It sucks because I have listened to old friends problems too but I think mine just went on and on for so long it was bringing other people down. You have a place to go, not like Facebook where no one has any problems and people just post to brag. I just found a good church. I even emailed them and I got emailed by a real person, not just an auto response. I was impressed. You might want to give church a try. Hugs

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by energy

Hi. I am new here and have posted in introductions and depression forums as well as here. My OH and myself have been going through a really difficult time for a good few years now. We've only been together 8 years. We've had life events happening, plus I already had some depression and anxiety coming and going before we met and ongoing into our relationship which he really helped me with at the beginning. He has been suffering from depression linked to life events for about two/three years now, currently managing it well and nolonger on medication. My libido is zilch most of the time and I can't help but blame myself for not being as supportive and positive when he is going through depressive episode. I think I am lucky he has not self-harmed. I really don't know how to start rebuilding our relationship or if it is possible to get something of our initial attraction back.

My other relationships with family are distant - i crave their love and understanding but feel out of step with them.

Work colleagues - i find the banter and chat with colleagues difficult and never seem to be able to progress realtionships.

Friends - not applicable!

I don't know how to make things better - my OH thinks I should see the doctor and just accept that I can't make friends and don't fit in but I don't think that medication can fix me and find it hard to accept something that makes me unhappy. Everyday contacts with others are painful as I am constantly feeling bad about myself and my social skills - or lack of them!

What do people here think should be my first step? I am quite realistic and know that things are not going to massively change for me at the age I am but I really can't go on feeling like this.

A combination of MI's is tough. I would agree that professional intervention is needed. Medication could be contributing to lack of libido. Medications have changed a lot in 8 years. Counseling/therapy would be a definite plus, couples and/or individually. This relationship sounds like it is definitely salvagable but it needs professional help. We all do at times. I sure can identify with some of your frustrations. I've been through a lot of them on and off over the years. And worrying about your mate doesn't help.

Best of luck to you and be sure to let us know how things progress.

[energy]

Thanks Vicki for replying.

I wonder what you mean by MIs? I think i will get some help and advice as a starting point.

[sunrise]

Hi energy, welcome to PC.

I think in counseling one can learn communication and relationship skills and then you get to practice with the therapist. It's a non-judgmental place to try things out and practice. I have been going to see a therapist for 3 years and my relationship and communication skills have improved a lot, and that is not even what we have really worked on. Have you thought of going to see a counselor/therapist?

I am an introvert by nature, and my energy gets depleted when I am around people. There is a lot of pressure in certain cultures to be an extrovert, but I am never going to be that way. I know that I need to "recharge" by being alone, and not try to do too much in depth socializing (hours and hours in a row). It helps me to know my limitations and not push myself too far. It's OK to push some, but too far and I just end up being exhausted and withdraw while in the midst of the socializing.

I am not good at meeting people or making small talk and I don't have a lot of friends. I would like more friends, and more meaningful friendships. I find that friendships take nurturing to grow and if I want them to take root, I have to devote time and energy to them, not wait for other people to come to me. I would like to improve on this in the future. I might even try to work on it in therapy as a goal.

I think a lot of my natural tendency to be an introvert is my biological nature. I was put on a medication for anxiety once, and it did not help with my anxiety (worrying, being stressed out, etc.) but it made me be less introverted! I did not hesitate to talk to people I happened to run into, even total strangers. I was not scared anymore to go into crowded places with lots of chattering people. I was more "friendly" to people overall. That confirmed my feeling that being introverted was just my biology. I discontinued this medication as it was not helping me with my main complaint and had some odd side effects. Then I went back to my less outgoing, introverted self. I guess if I really wanted to, I could pursue medication as a way to make me more extroverted, but haven't wanted to. I think working toward better skills is a good approach for me. I mention medication not necessarily to encourage it but to say that it can help people with social anxiety.

I also did some couples counseling with my XH before we split up, and it was helpful. I wish we had tried it many years earlier. You sound like you want to strengthen your relationship with your H and that desire is the first ingredient for success in couples counseling. I wish you well!

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by VickiesPath

A combination of MI's is tough. I would agree that professional intervention is needed. Medication could be contributing to lack of libido. Medications have changed a lot in 8 years. Counseling/therapy would be a definite plus, couples and/or individually. This relationship sounds like it is definitely salvagable but it needs professional help. We all do at times. I sure can identify with some of your frustrations. I've been through a lot of them on and off over the years. And worrying about your mate doesn't help.

Best of luck to you and be sure to let us know how things progress.

I apologize to you, Energy. Here at PsychCentral we use so many abbreviations for things I forget to use the full term when explaining things to a new member. MI means mental illness. What I was referring to was the depression and anxiety you experienced coming into your relationship and then the situational things that developed periodically along the way. When you have only one person struggling with mental illness it is a hard challenge but both people either together or one after another can truly shake up a relationship. Therapy can definitely help a lot and can really help if both of you go together and coordinate your efforts to create a plan to deal with those extra difficult times.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.

[energy]

Hi vickie and sunrise

Thanks for your replies and for explaining MIs I thought it stood for multiple issues.

It really helps to have the views of others and their experiences. Sometimes I do not know which way to turn. I'm not sure that my OH would agree to couple counselling. To tell you the truth I think I just want a quick fix as I am tired of trying. Medication may be right for me at the moment as I feel so tired and stressed with everything. What kind of therapy do you suggest. I already had some CBT but it did not help as I was extremely paranoid at the time.

I wonder if you could also help with online difficulties. I have difficulty knowing what to do next on online forums. Now I have started these threads and you and others have replied I start to feel stuck and cannot progress if you know what i mean?

I also don't know what to work on first. I spend so much energy trying to keep afloat at work that everything else goes by the wayside.

[VickiesPath]

If you have doubts about your partner participating in counseling, and if you are having trouble following your threads, and if you are trying to balance work, too, here's what I would suggest:

Focus on see a psychiatrist for you for an evaluation. Try to arrange a therapist for yourself to help you sort out issues with OH. Reduce your threads to the most important one for now. Don't worry about posting.....it's only for support and assistance when you need it. We'll be here when you need us.

Get yourself feeling better first. If you feel seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) and getting some meds to help is important, then do that first. Sound good?