well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

Hi.... I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. Hopefully it will pass soon. Don't let that guy get to you. Your time will come. Trust that and walk in the belief. I know how easy it is to let other people's words throw us off balance but just chalk it up to the ramblings of a thoughtless guy.

I know people have success with online dating so its worth a try. Just be careful. Maybe there are some other activities you could get involved with where you might meet some men. Volunteering for causes you care about could be a good way to meet men who share that same interest. What about a hiking club since you like to hike?

We have an outdoors club in our town and I know of a few hook up that have come out of that group. Same with the local garden club and one of our coffee shops has a philosphers night and meet the author nights which are also good places for singles to meet.

I met my ex when I was a director on the board of a non-profit that hired him to be the executive director. Because I wanted to get to know him better I volunteered to help with the pow wow he was organizing. After a few months we began to date and soon after we were living together. I of course resigned from the board to avoid any perceived conflicts.

We have a lot in common and I think that is probably why we have remained good friends. If not for my illness we would still be together of that I have no doubt. He is basically supporting me financially right now while I am without work. I used to think I could never count on him to have my back. Boy is he proving me wrong now. He is my strongest supporter no matter what. He gives me emotional support and encouragement everytime we talk. He has the patience to listen and support me even on bad days.

I wish I was well enough to be in a relationship but my rapid cycling is really difficult to live with and I can't imposing that on a man again. It was really hard on my ex. He couldn't win for loosing with me. By the end I was so distant or volitile that it was effecting his health. He never knew how I was going to react from one minute to another. It's enough my son has to deal with it and soon enough he will be on his own and out from under my crazies. I worry about the long term effects on my son as I see and hear from him behaviours and emotions too much like my dysfunctions.

Yesterday was a bad day complete with panic attacks, raging anger and deep depression. Today is a good one. No stress, no anxiety, no depression, no worries. Totally fine. No reason for the difference. It just is what it is. The only thing I have tracked over time is when I have a good day and during that day get an idea of something I would like to do and start to think the idea through... do some research, draft an outline.... the next day I crash into a day full of rapid cycling until it settles into a depression. It happens so often that I think there is a definate parallel. It doesn't help me to see that pattern because it just keeps me stuck. It means I can never plan ahead or commit to anything because I never know what kind of shape I will be in from one day to the next. And I can without exception expect a crash after a stimulation. Its no way to live let alone ask someone else to live with me through it. Fortunately single suits me. I was always better single. Making a living under these circumstances is a whole other issue and my primary concern these days. I hope I can find an answer before the bank takes my house to pay the credit card bills I have been pilling up the last 4 months. Its getting kind of scary. Real fuel for anxiety on a bad day. The subject of avoidance on a good day just to keep myself from getting depressed about it.

Anyways.... sorry about the ramble. I think I am really jealous when I hear about people all over the boards living normal lives even with mental illness issues. I don't even like going to facebook anymore because it is hard to see and read about all the things my friends are doing. I am happy for people but I just feel left out sometimes. I think I do the best I can most of the time but I don't think I will ever be able to fully engage again based on how high maintenance I have become. I get through the bad hours and days telling myself it will pass but they are hell to endure just the same. And I don't control how the moods will cycle or how long a given mood will last. All I know is that the bad times are still far too frequent to allow me a normal life.

Firstly big hugs to both of you

Marjan I don't think you need a partner to be complete - think back t what we had both realised last week - we are happy being single but it's more than that.. more like we are happy in ourselves and don't need anyone to validate who we are.
Sure I'm out on the dating scene.. I have moments of panic where I think is the right one out there somewhere.... then I think 'meh' what does it matter.
I have never been able to go with the flow in my life.. am struggling to do it now. Perfer everything planned and scheduled.. Maybe it's the meds that are helping me be less controlling.

I think that the 'right one' is part fantasy - everyone has quirks and faults... it's just that the quirks and faults compliment each other - then you have found some one special

Sanity stay strong - like you say you have bad days with every possible symptom/effect, panic attacks, depression, anger... and then te next day it is all okay.
I understand about not wanting to see what else is going on in the 'happy' peoples worlds - sometimes I can't stand it when I am feeling down to read or see everyone functioning so easily.

I trully hope that your work picks up and that you can repay the credit cards... it would stress me out no end worrying about all of that - I think it would make anyone have panic attacks - mentally ill or not.

Take care of yourself and try the positive thinking. Are you still going to Vegas for the job?

Time for me to go have something to eat I think.

I am working out of the office at a clients office for the next week - not sure how I will go logging on here during the day so my replys/posts may drop off a little but will try to check at least once a day in the mornings.

Thanks to both of you for your support......

I know that feeling happy inside is the most part....but sometimes, I can't avoid thinking what my life would be if I have a partner in my life....also, I've been so lazy lately not trying to date anybody....

Thanks Sanityseeker for giving me tips how to meet more guys, but I'm already doing most of those....hehehe....yes...I'm a member of a hike club that's how I met Kevin before and I go dancing that's how I met Aaron!!!!
I wish I could find somebody in my meditation/Buddhism class.....I do want somebody with the same belief but most of them are either depressed or out of job....well....I should keep looking.....

It looks like the time has not come for me yet....I got to be more patient....

It's a rainy day today....I just got to work....I have to drive 40 miles to get to work and I saw three bad accidents in my way....but I don't think anybody got hurt, just their cars were smashed.....it's scary though!

Belle....I didn't know you are on medication? what is it? just be careful to not get addicted to them! while back when I just got separated from my ex-husband, I couldn't eat or sleep and my T put me on medication....It had so much side effects and I hate it, so I quite it right away and instead I did lots of exercise and I drank a little bit of red wine at night which helped me to sleep well......and nice hot shower or bath before sleep is great too.....

SanitySeeker, I know how you feel....It's hard to have rocky days and financial problems.....Just try and do one thing at a time.....It looks like you had a good career, you just need encouragement and get out there.....hope good is coming on your way....

got to get back to work now.....not feeling to work today as I have sore throat and not sure if it's allergy or just a cold? I've never had an allergy before, but you can always develop it unfortunately....argggg....

M.

Hey

The doctor put me on anti-depressants back in December... I was resiting going on them and then I had a really bad couple of nights (terrible suicidal thoughts etc) so I agreed to give them a try. They are called Lexapro I have two more months on them before we are thinking of cutting the dosage back and weaning me off them... They really just level out the mood swings.. still have highs and lows but not total swinging from the rafters highs or curling into a ball lows...

OMG.....bad me....I deleted Aaron while back from my facebook.....but time to time, I sneak in and check his pics.....
Guess what I found out? It looks like he's dating a girl who was a girlfriend of his previous girlfriend!!!! OMG.....that's really sad....and I'm so happy that I'm not dating this jerk.....
I saw pics of her with Aaron in his facebook....I think they went to San Diego together.....He is such a player......this new girl is even more plain than the previous one....the last one looks better than this one....but I think this one has PHD!!!!
and all of them are coming to my dance class I guess....because I saw my teacher is on her facebook too.....
Now, I got it why our common friend told me that Aaron is a player....he told me that he's with another girl right now and even he was disgusted!
such a jerk....
Now, I understand why he was not good for me....he would have left me earlier or later....so better to not have him for a long time....and by looking at his picture, I didn't want him at all.....who wants a guy like him? there is no security with him....it's scary to introduce a girlfriend to him even!!!!
He used to tell me that I'm insecure....but I think my insecurity was so valid.....how comes I wasn't insecure with other guys and I trusted them while I would never trust him.....just want to know if this girl is really his girlfriend? or they are just friends? it looks like they are so close in the pics and she was leaning on him!
such an A.H. happy to not be with him.....
I hope soon, I find somebody good and I don't care about him anymore at all.....

Peeking on facebook is never a good thing LOL but I do it too - natural I think

He wasn't good for you and I think that you are well rid of him... but yes it can still frustrate and cause anger.... on the positive side is that you are not going to be hurt by him again and that you WILL find someone special that will treat you like you deserve

yes....bad me....I don't usually have time for facebook....work is going crazy and there is nothing special going on on facebook....I prefer PC to FB!
But last night, I was just surfing on FB and as I don't have anything special to see on facebook, I thought lets check his page and I can just see his pictures and friends' list as I'm not his friend anymore.....then I saw him with that girl...I was shocked though!
Anyway....not my business really....

Today, I have cold and stay home....couldn't move in the morning and I called in sick....I love my job and I miss it really....It's weird staying at home....It reminds me of the time I got lay off....not a pleasant feelings!

It's better I take care of some works including taking my laptop for repair....and filing my tax return....

Today, all of a sudden I felt it's high possibility to meet somebody that I get connected with....I do have HOPE in my heart.....I think it's just matter of time.....

how is it going with you Belle?

and I hope Sanity is doing well.....stay strong, we need you

I hope you feel better soon Marjan

I am doing okay - had a shocking day yesterday at work.. just super busy but nothing really getting done ughhhh.

I haven't heard from Ben since Monday (he text me in the afternoon).. so now am wondering if I will see him again or not.. hate the waiting game LOL

Long day ahead and I don't really have access to the internet after 9am as I am working from a clients office (total pain in the butt!) but will check in tonight xxx

I know, I hate that waiting game either....but that's the way it is...both side don't want to show they are desperate or too available....hehehe.....
It's just Tuesday....I think by Thursday, he will get in touch with you....just wait....as much as you want to know the next step, he wants to know that too....
I'm getting better....I took my laptop to the shop for repair, and the shop is so far....then guess what? they told me although I have Warranty, but if they find out it's a software issue, then I got to pay $60.....so I took it back to reformat my computer again and make sure that it's not a software issue.....
I really need to get it fix....I want to get on the online dating site, but this laptop is getting crashed all of a sudden....hehehe...not a good first impression then!
I miss my dance class yesterday and I didn't go to gym for three days now....that's one of the reason I'm feeling down a bit....but I got to get over the cold first....getting much better....I think I'm good to go by tomorrow

I hope you are getting better

Yes get online and see what options are out there - I'm not sure that it's a 'soulmate' finding place but I've had a lot of fun and met some really nice people.

I text Ben today just asking how his day was. He text back... just answering the question... hmmmm now will leave it up to hm to see if he gets in contact with me again I think because I am a planner (control freak really LOL) I want to know now if he wants to see me on the weekend - otherwise I'll plan other things to do

How can the computer shop charge when it's still under warranty? Sounds wrong to me!

I think you go ahead and plan for your weekend and if Ben ask you out for weekend, just tell him that you are not available and you can go out with him next weekend! If he wants you, he got to be more active....and don't put so much thought into it....what can happen? not going out with him? well....two weeks ago, you didn't even know him....so, you will get back to square one and start another one over again!
Based on my experience, when I'm putting so much thoughts and efforts into the relationship, then that's the wrong one....I think things got to go smoothly without so much stress in both side....
Yesterday, I checked out how the online dating guys are in the new neighborhood and they looked okay....one of them was so obnoxious living in Malibu, he wrote on his profile that don't bother if you are looking for sugar daddy....arggg....I hate when guys say that.... and so rude.....
I want to put an offer on the home that I liked, I'm still scared to do that and I hate it, but I really liked the place....I'm going to talk to my real estate agent today!
take care and have a wonderful day....just start working now
Marjan

please read this:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/04...ion/12627.html

I wasn't able to exercise since Sunday and I don't feel that great....that's so true that exercise is helping us with our moods....

How come you don't just ask Ben out yourself Belle if you want to see him this weekend? Isn't that the way of your generation? For a modern girl you seem to be walking an old path on this one.

Wow Marjn... that's really exciting about the house. First time home buying is scary. Couple of things I have thought I should have done before buying my home that I will share with you to consider. Of course make sure you get a home inspection done so you aren't surprised by anything but I image you know that. But somethings you might not think to do that I wish I had done......

1) Go and just spend time hanging out and walking around the neighbourhood for a couple of hours. More than once even at different times of the day and night for that matter. Look at who lives there. How people drive through the neighbourhood. Who is out and about. What animals are running free. Barking all the time. Get a feel for the neighbourhood. See how quiet or noisy it is. Checking it out at night can be useful to see how well lite the neighbourhood is and if any lamps are spotlighting your house. Checking it out in the rain can show you where puddles might form on the street or how well your driveway runs off the rain and how well the eaves are catching the rain from your roof.

2) Check out the amenities and the shops. Is there a gym or community centre, parks or whatever else you would like available to you. What kind of activities could you get involved in. Check out the people in the grocery store and other shops. Read public bulletin boards to get a sense of the community.

Get a real feel for the neighbourhood before committing to the house. A great house in a bad neighbourhood won't make you happy. Better to have a less than great house in a great neighbourhood.

Just like people with kids will often pick the school first and then the house it can be wise to pick the neighbourhood first and then find a house in that area that you like.

If I had done some of those things I would not be in this house. I am too close to a busy road but at the time thought it was great to be across the street from a school. Being on the corner means snow gets pilled on my yard from 3 directions and backing out of the driveway takes extra care. The size of the yard is great but the cliffs surrounding us limit the direct sunlight and that makes it hard to grow sunloving veggies. Winters are very dark with only about 30 minutes of sun exposed above the cliffs. Lots of other things too that I didn't notice but may have had just hung around the neighbourhood before committing to the house.

Just some ideas for you to consider.

Oh.. and one other thing. When I buy another house I will make sure it faces north south and not east west. Then I could have more plants in the house and better sun positioning in the yard for garden spaces. The best gardens have the most southern exposure.

If your house faces east west then in the summer the sun beating into windows during the hottest part of the day really makes it tough to keep the house cool.

Thanks for the advice....but what does it mean north south? This home has a backyard that the window is opening to north and the backyard is at the back of the home which is in north part....I think not that much of sun then but the backyard looked pretty nice and green!!
The city is one of the safest city of the west side of US....the home that I like is in a very good/high end neighborhood with a nice school districts....unfortunately, I can't really hang out there during night as I'm living 40 miles away! but my girlfriend is living couple of street away and she knows the city well....she checked it out for me and told me it's good....
about different activities, not that much going on there....yes, they do have the gym I'm going to, and it's close to my work and honesty, anywhere in US you go, you will see same shops and coffee shops and restaurants and malls....hehehe....
I'm a first home buyer here in California, but I used to own a place in Toronto twice, and honesty, I didn't like the second one at all....I sold it quickly! I was lucky to not lose so much money though! that's why I'm a bit scared now to get a home without having that much of info!
Thanks again for your great information....I would go there and see how far it is from shops and how it is during day time

Sounds like a north south house to me. Back facing north, means front faces south. Pefect. The lawn will love it and flowers and veggies alike will flourish. That means the sun rises and sets on the sides of the house not the front and back so you won't have the sun burning into the house during the day.

It sounds like a wonderful area you are looking at. Great advantage having a friend who knows the area. Good luck.

You both sound cheerful and I love reading posts here when we are back to being mostly positive! keep it up my friends xx

guess what? I called the real estate agent and she told me "oh...that home has already an offer on it!"....well....I will find out tomorrow....but honesty,
I can't trust real estate agents at all....I had bad experiences before....funny....the home is on the market for so many months....when she showed it to me, she said it's been just listed....then my girlfriend found out from another website that the home has been in the market for so couple of months and even the price got reduced twice!!!!
I don't know if I should trust her or think that she just made a mistake!!!!
My friend told me to not worry at all and if she said it's been sold to somebody else, just say....oh....great....I'm happy for both the owner and the buyer!
true, if it's my destiny to go there, I will, if not, then something else is out there for me....
It's better I go and sleep....I had a meditation class tonight, but couldn't really concentrate with my cough and sinus problem....hehehe....I hold myself so much to not cough to not disturbed others....

one thing that she taught us tonight was that....we get angry out of things because things are not going the way that we wanted!
and she said "Anger solves Nothing!"....it's just a result of deluded mind!

it's always the teaching are so match with my situation.....I've been moody and angry recently....good to cool down

Sounds like you really know how to put things in perspective there Marjn. Good on you. Look forward to hearing what you learn about the house tomorrow. Hope you are feeling better soon. By the way.... did you finally get those test results you were waiting for?

hey belle.... saw your new thread and couldn't help wonder if some of your thinking has been triggered this week by that other thread... you know the one I am talking about hey? Cheating is so toxic.... the line of victims never ends.

wishing you only well my sweet friend. P

Sanity I think that the other thread has triggered a lot of it...
It took me a while to add to that thread because of how it made me feel just reading the title....

Thanks for asking.....The doctor has not called me yet and it's been two weeks now.....I think no news is a good news....He told me if he doesn't call me within 10 days it means that everything is fine....OMG...is it possible? does that mean I'm out of HPV? my body got rid of the virus? I don't want to give myself so much hope....so, I'm just trying to push all these thoughts away from my mind.....sometimes, I think he might be in vacation or forgot to call me....but I'm so scarred to call and ask....
He told me HPV is kind of virus that body immune system can get rid.....each day goes by without having my doctor calls me is just a blissful day....feel like walking on the eggshells....I hope he never calls me......
Thanks again for asking....and I'll let you know about the home....
I think it's better I don't take stress over it....if I meant to live in that home, I will get it...if not, then somebody else will enjoy it!
All I know is that I want to get out from my current apartment badly....I feel it has a bad karma....crazy ha?...but I feel something has happened there before me! and the main reason I don't like the place is that I was here when my dad past away and also I broke up with Aaron here and also, I've never had any dates....very unusual....
well...probably I'm getting a bit sarcastic!

wierd... I think my post on your other thread was in response to #246 here. Wonder how I did that? Ya know Belle the thread may have surfaced the feelings but I think it is to be expected that you will continue to have these kinds of waves of emotions now and then. Over time they are less and less but the grief will always be there to some degree. Your heart was broken. You feel betrayed. Those are real and painful truths. I still.... coming on 30 years since my mother passed... have moments when the grief consumes me. When my thoughts are flooded with unanswerable questions. This time of year especially as we approach the date of her passing. For ten years after I would cycle into a major depression every year at this time. So many reminders of the loss. My birthday, her passing, mothers day. Even fathers day would add a punch thinking about how he betrayed her and our family. I would be a basket case for most of the spring and summer caught in the grip of grief. A ceremony that my ex arranged managed to free me on the 10th anniversary of her passing. I still have bad days and I will still obsess over the questions sometimes but I don't get lost in it for months at a time anymore.

Grief is grief Belle. Whether we are talking about the death of someone we love or the death of a loving relationship. We never quit get over it and some days it feels as fresh as if the loose just happened. I don't think you ever completely get over it. You just learn to live with the hurt. You learn to give thanks anyways. Thanks for the good memories and the love that was real and is still real but different now. You will always love Mark and I believe he will always love you. The love has changed. You will over time change with it. Change and acceptance. Acceptance and change. With thanksgiving.

There is a ceremony we do adapted from our culture that you might want to try. Write a letter and express all of your feelings and then burn the letter as a symbol of letting go. Ceremonies have a magical way of washing us clean and renewing our spirits. Letting out that which otherwise can fester and brew into a poisonous sadness.

Don't just stuff the feelings. Find constructive ways to express them with the intension of setting your spirit free. Free to accept and change and move forward in peace.

I hope the days ahead are better than these days right now. I know they will be. You are too brilliant a lady not to let the brightness shine in. You will be okay. You are okay. Pained, scared, bewildered and more but also strong, recilliant and optomistic. You are a survivor and a warrior woman whose strength knows no bounds. One day at a time.

Wonder too if hormones aren't effecting your mood right now. Is it your moon time right now? That used to really do it to me. The slightest trigger at that time of month and I would be entangled in the grief again. Knowing that sometimes helped me keep a perspective. I learned to treat myself with special kindness to get through the most emotional of those days.

The weekend is here for you.... so what are your plans Belle. I just love hearing about your weekend activities. Stand tall, put that smile on your face and go have some fun. Get lost in the moments of joy that you create for yourself. Celebrate the miracle of your blessed and bountiful life. You are so precious.

Marjn.... PICK UP THE PHONE AND END THE WORRY! I put off phone calls all the time and it is not the way to go. Once I finally pick up the phone and get the answer then you will know what you need to know to move forward. Quit torturing yourself my girl. Geesh. You know better than that so pick up the phone. K?

Good on you for not fussing about the house business. Go with the flow and let it all unfold as it should. Be proactive and assertive. If you want this house make an offer. Just know your limit and be willing to walk away.

I know what you mean about wanting to get away from someplace that is loaded with difficult memories. In my culture we would smudge the house.... wash it with the smoke of medicines (sage, cedar, sweetgrass, tabacco among other things) telling the spirits to leave. We might also wash down all the walls with rose water. We would gather rose hips and boil them in water and then use that water to wash down the walls and furnishings around the house. Special attention would be give to rooms where the loved one spent more time than another. Special care would be given to remove anything that belonged to the loved one who is no longer in your life. If not put out of the home then put in a box and put away.

Ceremonies are a wonderful way for us to reclaim our spaces. Our mental, physcial, emotional and spiritual spaces. Creating your own ceremony can be very powerful too. The point is to overtly reclaim you power. Reclaim your authority over your life, times and spaces.

You are both the most amazing young women I feel privileged to know. You have taught me much these last months about perseverance and endurance. You get up and go and keep on getting up and going. You make me believe in miracles again.

Have a great day and let a smile dominate your being today. You are blessed.

Marjan - I totally agree with Sanity, call the doctor and then you will know for sure! Sounds like it will be good news

I think that houses/places can have bad karma - feel that way about my investment property (probably only the emotional ties that mark and I had when buying it though - but I couldn't imagine living there again).

Sanity you are so nice and loving - I will think about writting it all down and burning the letter - might be something to do over the weekend in fact

I don't really have plans for this weekend - Haven't really heard from Ben so I text him yesterday asking if he wanted to catch up as I was starting to plan my weekend. Didn't get a text message back so think I will scrap that one off my list of potentials.
Paul is back up in Tom Price but is meant to be coming down again in two weeks - will be nice to see him.
Chris is more of a friend now but at least he replies to my text messages!!!

So all in all I think my negative mood has also made me less want to go out on the weekend It's probably not a bad thing really as I am so worn out from this week and a weekend of just kicking back might be nice. Just hope that the thoughts about Mark can go away so that I don't have a bad weekend.

Hopw you are both well. I love you girls so much!