well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

why do you feel guilty? you didn't do anything wrong....that's how it works....you date, you sleep together to see if you guys are good match, if not, then you got to move on!
Just one thing....be very careful to not catch any STDs!!!!!
I didn't have that many partners in my life, but I'm HPV positive which puts me in high risk for cervical cancer I think I got it from my ex-bf in Toronto, the only guy that I had x without condoms!!!
I'm just back from gynecologist and I did my pap test.....hate that....he told me sometimes, body gets rid of the virus....I hope so....I really wish this time I don't have the virus and the test comes back negative....it's so scary....so far my pap-smear was always negative which is a good sign but the HPV stayed positive and it's been a year....based on my research, usually body gets rid of the virus within two years.....pray for me....
I'm a healthy person but I'm on the risk of cancer....that's sad....
anyway, I just wanted to share with you that make sure to protect yourself....unfortunately, there is no test for guys for HPV yet!
I'm having another usual day and I'm thinking about going hiking tonight....I have choice either go hiking or go to temple for meditation....I love both of them, but I think I'm in hiking mood today....
take care
Marjan

Hey Marjan,

I hope that your Pap test does come back showing that you dont have HPV.. I know there is a vaccine these days but I havn't had it. Bloody men passing things on....

I'm really careful and wont be sleeping with anyone unless it's protected sex..

Not sure why I fell guilty... not used to sleeping with different men after being with Mark for so long I think...and I'm not sure how the whole dating thing works LOL it's been SO long!

Hiking sounds like a wonderful way to spend the evening xx

Take care and thanks for the concern and for sharing xxxx

The vaccine is just for younger ones, age 9 to 26, and I do have the HPV already....There are 130 types of HPV and 80% of population will get one types of it in their life time....but the body can fight it over....the ones that are more dangerous are four types that are causing cervical cancers mostly and that's what doctors usually testing for with the pap-smear!!!!
I hope my body gets clear of it and this time I don't get any call from my doctor....It's so scary really....sometimes, doctor is calling me to just tells me that I'm still HPV positive with negative pap-smear which is still okay, but I get so scared and I hate that feelings.....
anyway....time to wrap up and leave the work!

Just a quick note to say hi. Not doing very well and too tired of it all to bother talking about it. It is what it is and I have no will to do much more than plug along avoiding as much stress as possible.

Too out of it to absorb your posts or respond to anything so will just wish you well. Take care.

Hi Sanity

Take all the time that you need and remember that we are ALWAYS here for you. Stay safe and away from stressful enviroments as much as possible. You will pick back up I know it and the positive thoughts will flow again.

I'm always on FB during the day if you want to chat there and as usual checking PC lots during the day.

Huge bear hugs to you xxxxx

My dear Sanity.....You have just some bumpy days....this shall pass as well!
We all have or had those days.....just take it slow and I'm sure good will come very soon in your way....be patient....you are in my thoughts

I just came back from hiking....Kevin was there too....I really don't have any problem to stay friend with him....tonight, there was a new girl and she was staying close to Kevin and talking to him....It didn't bother me at all...I even thought that poor girl doesn't know that she won't get anything out of this guy....hehehehe.....He's so lazy to have sex even....arggg.....but best of luck to both of them!!!

It's interesting now....It looks like I'm getting used to date a guy and then seeing him chatting with a girl or having another relationship....well....I don't care anymore....probably, that's a good sign....probably, finally I'm growing up or I'm getting wise!!!! very strange!!!!

I do believe every single emotion that we have and every single experience from life that we have are just creation of our own mind....this is our mind to make the decision if something is good or bad....if something is delicious or not.....tonight, I took dry sour cherries to the hike....this is a favorite snak in my country....kids love them and it's so healthy....guess what....none of my fellow Americans like them....very simple....it was not sweet and not greasy......if the same person was growing up in Iran, then he would jump on those sour cherries....they are very rare and the trees are not here.....we bake with them, cook food with them and they have lots of vitamins.....I really wanted to see if they like it or not.....and it was interesting, then I thought, everything is in our mind, if we like or not.....
we can change our mind and control it with controling our thoughts and emotions.....remember, our emotions are not us, they are ours!

take care....it's better I go and sleep!
Marjan

Had to quote what you had written.. love it! My T would totally sgree.. his main issue with me is that i can let my emotions control me withour them being rational... positive thinking is better than feeling negative

I have a date with a new guy on the weekend.. and I'm nervous haha. He seems really nice (met him online)... and from his facebook photos very attractive.. have been emailing each other many times a day for the past week and a bit...
Don't think that there is a future with Chris... he's too distant between dates - yeah we txt and email but it just feels weird...
The really sweet guy that lives 17 hours away is in Perth for Easter and wants to catch up. I said that would be nice - he's going through a divorce and to be honest hasn't gotten over his ex yet - it's been over a year since she walked out on him.... and seeing I still have a the occassional feeling for Mark we are able to talk about everything together

Marjan are you from Iran originally? The dried sour cherries sound facinating. I have to say that one of my favorite snacks are dried apricots.. prefer healthy food than greasy fatty food

Take care all and sleep well xx

REPEAT. . . REPEAT. . . REPEAT - Not worth reading

I text Mark in a weak moment just to say Hi - to be honest I was bored and on hold to the insurance company.. everyone was getting texts as I was on hold for 35 minutes ...
He asked if I was doing anything fun.. said not at the moment but the weekend looked promising. Asked if he was doing anything exciting.. "Nothing planned".. In the end I asked the question that I think I had been dying to ask.."You and Lisa doing alright? Not my place but you don't seem as happy as you used to be"
The ultimate relpy.... (I mean for ***** sake tell me that you two are great or yes everything is good...).... "I'm fine, thanks for asking"... - THATS NOT AN ANSWER!!!
All I want is the truth - god knows I deserve it after everything he put me through.. if he's super in love and happy then I want to know about it.. I want to know that the hell I went through was worth it for someone (even if it is him!!)...
I just don't get it, I don't get the super polite answers either!!

Had to vent the frustration . . . . yes we have been here before many times . . . . one day I'll just stop and then EVERYTHING will be great - when I find total happiness within myself is when I will just stop caring about him.

Belle Belle Belle.....you are killing me.....gosh girl....no self discipline at all
He's polite and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings...simple!
Stop torturing yourself....enjoy your life....you are young and you have all these guys to choose from...find somebody better than Mark for yourself....

Okay....it's fine....you can write and tell us that you have emailed Mark or texted him....no worries....and I'm going to be mad at you...hehehe....but don't feel bad....I just want to help you....at least somebody should tell you to stop it....probably, soon you will forget all about Mark.....

I've been at your position when I was younger, but not any more....I was dying to go out with Aaron or dance with him and I'm sure if I ask him, he will, but I would never do that....It's not worth it at all....even now, when I'm at my teacher's party or in the class, I'm comfortable to ask every other guys to dance with, but I never ever ask Aaron unless he comes to me and ask me to dance.....He's the one who rejected me and left me alone with pain.....I don't want to get rejected by him even as little as dancing rejection!!!!!

Yes, I'm from Iran and I used to live in Toronto for 10 years then I moved to LA....I'm so happy that I had opportunities to live in different countries and experience different life styles......

time to start working now
Marjan

hey read this article....

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/03...tem/12354.html

between....do you know you have the highest replies on this thread and your thread has the second highest viewers!!!!

Thanks again girls. I am just taking it slowly one day at a time. Avoiding stressful situations edges on isolation but at least I keep busy in my aloneness. Scored a small contract developing a business plan for an aspiring entrepreneur. Not much money but at least it is something. Maybe it will open doors for others to follow. Was asked to facilitate a training workshop for a client. We are all going to Vegas for it in May. I have to put aside my fear of going into the US and get a passport to do it. Motivated by the need for the money. Will be away from home fo 5 days which shoots panic up my spin. Lots of triggers for me to get stressed about but forcing myself to flip the fears.

Hope you have been able to shake off your exchange with Mark Belle. One day it won't even cross your mind to contact him. Sooner the better obviously but you will get there.

I too have traveled and lived in different parts of the world Marjn. I really loved it but within a couple of years I was always pulled home. I feel really connected to the land of my birth. Not just my home country but my home territory. The climate, the landscape and of course my family. Even if I don't see them very often I just like to know they are close. I feel closer to my mom too when I am home.

Sounds like you both has some fun plans for the weekend. Enjoy.

Vegas is fun...It's four hours drive for me...I've been there at Christmas time....but I can't stay more than couple of nights....It's just too much for me....besides, I love to gamble...so, it's better to not stay there longer and lose my money!
Taking one day at a time is great....not worry too much for future and not regretting for the past, just staying here in present and enjoy it!
I'm terrified when I think about within 9 days I will find out if the HPV has damaged me or not....but I'm trying my best to not think about it....even thinking about it is making my heart race
I just bought couple of dresses for my niece....she loves "Hello Kitty"....gosh...it's hard to have kids, their stuff are expensive
got to get something for my nephew then I can post them all together....
I love my niece and nephew to pieces....wish they were living here....they live in England....in one year, they will come back home....can't wait for that!
I did not work today that much....it's better I get back to my job!
take care
Marjan

Sanity I am so gald that you have a little work trickling in Stay positive and try to not let the anxiety over take you - focus on the outcome and not the trip manybe.

Marjan you are allowed to get angry at me - I think that's the other reason I write it all down LOL need someone to tell me to STOP.. but have to say that I don't think I will until I get to a place where either I'm in a new relationship or just totally over it all.
I said to him that we should catch up for coffee soon.. and he replied with "yeah, next week?".. I replied with "You don't have to, am only being polite" That threw him a little, he wasn't sure if i was joking or not .
To be honest I don't think I do want to see him.. can't explain it other than I know that seeing him isn't going to have the outcome that I want so what's the point??!! I'm not sure it's even love anymore... more that I want to win back what was taken from me - if it happened I don't know what I would do about it anyway
I do miss him as a friend that I can confide in and just talk about everything with.. 5 years of being so close that is now just text msgs and email.. weird!!!

I noticed that this forum had a heap of views .. I guess it's more of an open letter between the three of us now LOL... I hope that someone out there is reading it and finding some positive feelings and that it's helping someone other than us

My brother just left from helping me file my years of past due income tax returns. One of those jobs I have been stressing over without getting anywhere. I am really grateful to him for his help. I am tired from the effort but relieved to have it almost done. I think I can finish the last of them on my own now.

I am keeping positive thoughts for you Marjn that your test result will come back to show you are not damaged. I can imagine how scary that must be. Keep busy and the days will go by faster. I was reading that article you posted about positive thoughts improving the outcomes of surgery patients. We will do the same as a united force for your results.

I have been to Vegas before and I love all the lights and I will have my own room so that will make it easier for me to retreat from the hustle and bustle. I also know most of the group I will be travelling with, in fact one is a cousin of mine so it should be fun. I just need to make sure I don't gamble my fee away. lol. I am not really much of a gambler but I have gotten caught once or twice before.

It was 16 years ago when my son was a baby on our way to New Mexico for a big pow wow. We were just there for a couple of nights. We will be driving through customs so that will be easier than going through at the airport so I am glad for that too.

Take care of yourselves. Be cautious with Mark Belle. lol. Bet you thought I wasn't going to say anything hey. lol. Face to face might be dangerous. You wouldn't want to find yourself in the position of the other woman in this soap opera Mark is living. I gotta say, I don't get what is up with Mark. He sure doesn't sound like a guy setting to get married. Hope they don't spend too much money on that nuptual event. geesh!

Feeling so much better today than I have for some time now. Feeling energized to do some networking in town tomorrow. See what work I might be able to shake from the bushes.

don't worry.....I'm like you too....I try so hard for the one that I like, then I give up....you know better than us that it's not love anymore, because you can't love him back after all these.....as you said....you want to win him back.....
I wish whatever is good will happen to you.....and write us back....
oh...by the way....can you tell Mark that Marjan wants to know what is wrong with him?....hehehe....ya....tell him..."My online friend from PC, Marjan, is so curious to know what's up with all these dramas Mark has created?"

Belle....you are such a great person....you had so much progress....I'm so proud of you....any guy would be so grateful to have a woman like you in his life....just be patient my friend, it will pay off at the end!

Sanity, I'm so happy that you are feeling better....stay strong....and thanks for your good thoughts for me


today....I saw some homes in the other sides of the town, 40 miles away from my home, but close to my job.....I absolutly loved the area and homes were nicer and cheaper.....it's the safest cithy in southern California!
ya...everything sounds promising except one thing....I'm not sure how my life would be there....they are more families than singles....probably, less guys....but in the city that I'm living right now, they are just bunch of losers who can't even pay for my coffee....arggg....not that I want them to pay, but come on guys, some nice gesture would be nice!!!!
So, I've been living in this cool city for two years and I dated just two guys....#1 was Aaron who was A.H....then #2 was Kevin who was a total loser!!!! What do you guys think? should I move to the nice suburban city and live in a nice place or stay in this city and stick with my single friend?

oh my god...I'm so tired, I can't think anymore....catch up later....

have fun
Marjan

Sanity you sound more positive about the trip - am so happy with how you sound
I did think that you weren't going to comment on the Mark stuff you caught me off guard haha.
I asked about wedding plans.. and as far as he's telling me they haven't started planning anything - it's crazy to get engaged so quickly so maybe the engagment will be long enough for him to actually get to know the real her.
I am being careful.
Marjan.. I would love to ask him that - he knows that (as he put it) "our lives are on the net for everyone to see"... and understands that I have to vent here - I don't think he knows what is happening in his life so I don't think we would get an answer!

On the moving topic.. move to the 'burbs is my vote - your new neighbours could have financially secure single friends/brothers/cousins ... and if it's a safer nicer evironment then I think the chances of finding a 'better' quality of life is greater.

I went shopping iwth my pregnant friend this afternoon and then we came back to mine and talked... she knows all the Mark stuff (the messages/emails etc) We talked about what would be the outcome of meeting up with him. I know what I want to happen wont and I don't want to become an emotional mess either - I do miss his friendship but it wouldn't be the same anyway.. just confusnig.

One moment at a time - yes his messages are confusing - yes I still care about him - if the coffee date gets set then I'll see how I feel about it when it happens..

Wishing you both happiness and positive thoughts for the rest of the week and weekend

good morning....

I wish you could stop yourself and not meeting him....but girl, I know nobody can stop you even yourself can't stop you.....hehehe.....so, I hope you get some answers at least and see how it is going.....

As much as I'm thinking about a place to live, I think the suburban area close to my work is a nice place to live.....It's close to Malibu and they are lots of hiking trails here too....I can hike there....plus, I can do the drive and visit my friends or dancing or whatever else that I'm doing usually.....right now, I drive 80 miles everyday.....if I live close to work, I will dive less everyday but still any time I want to go to the other part of the town, I can do it.....

Probably, it's better for me to have nice home and stay focus more at my job and I might do some work from home too.....right now, my place is so small and neighbors are making so much noise and I'm right close to the highway....I have to sleep every single night with ear plugs...that's horrible! I'm so embarrassed to invite any friends over, I just invite my single friends who are in same situation like me....however, I still got to search....

and honesty....I'm fed up searching for a guy....if I have luck, he will find me....if not, no matter which part of the world I live, it doesn't matter.....I used to live in Toronto and there were so many single guys around me and I was dateless as usual....hehehe.....so, I vote for a better home in a good nice quiet location!

Belle....one more time....please stay strong and let the time show your way instead of you trying to change everything....I'm afraid your meeting with Mark will make you feel worse than better....at least tell him that you've been dating guys....what I see from you right now is a happy person, just please don't ruin it....personally, I don't want to mess around with the peace of mind I have right now....I would love to have a partner, but a good one, not the one who's giving me stress or is a loser!

try to learn to put yourself and your needs first....not being selfish but think about it, if you are happy and you feel good, then others can benefit out of that....we all want to have happy positive friends around rather than a negative, depressed ones.....

best of luck to you and keep us posted

time to work now
Marjan

You took the words right out of my mouth Belle. Move to the burbs Marjn and meet all the neighbours and their single friends and relatives. Just beware of the 'misunderstood husbands' lol. Besides that.... I thinking owning your own home is the best investment you can make. There is nothing like it really. Plus you get to have a garden. If you are into gardening then that is a bonus. It all sounds like the perfect change for you right now.

I think your girlfriend Belle helped you assess the coffee date setup for disaster, I mean date.... very well. Don't forget the insights you had in that discussion. Whatever you decide to do if and when the invitation comes we are here for you Belle. No matter what you will survive. It is just a question of how much you are willing to hurt and hang on to the emotional attachment and be further confused by his waivering.

Keep well.

Yes...our friend Belle is looking for some emotional roller coasters....arggg....what can we do with this girl?! she got to experience the life and the pain....she doesn't know yet that this is good for her the drama Mark is not in his life....she will find out when she has that charming guy with her!

thanks for the input...I think suburban home is a nice one and it's more fordable and I can drive always....The problem is these real estates people that they are in a bad market and they want to sell the stuff any how!
she told me that the home that I liked yesterday is in the market just for one day....then I told my friend and she checked it in a website and this home is on sale for 74 days and it had twice price adjustments!!! can you believe that? I got to be more careful....and do my homework better!

I've done all these before and I know how they can sale cheap stuff so expensive!

end of the day at work
have a wonderful weekend
Marjan

P.S. I do like gardening....although, I've never done it....it sounds fun

Hey girls

I'm not intending to go through the enitre rollre coaster ride again PROMISE
I walked this morning with Tom and he said I'm sunding even better than usual got to love him. I told him I had asked Mark how him and Lisa were going... and what he picked up on was that the answer mark gave me didn't matter.. I just wanted to ask the question
As for catching up it may never happen.. and if I do decide that I want to then I will make sure it's the day before my T appointment LOL.

On to better things... The coffee date lsat night lasted 4 hours! met at 6 and just talked and talked.... really nice guy, knows what he wants from life and is financially stable (as well as being totally cute )
He's 31, travelled far and wide, is a sales manager for a good company... ummm never cheated on a partner, never had a one night stand (yes we talked about that - weird I know)... longest relationship that he has been in is 3 years.. Super fit and focused.

At the end of the night he walked me to my car.. no kiss good bye!? Gentleman me thinking or just not atracted to me?? so a little confused but hey is was the first date.

I'm not going to 'chase' him...figure if he wants to see me again then great I'll email him tomorrow (which is how we had been comuncating before last night) just to see how he is going and also he had a 10km run today so can ask how it went

Hope you girls are well and positive xxx

cool....I'm happy that you had a good time with this new date....I wish I could get stronger and get online to do some dating....but I think I can't do it right now as I'm busy finding a home for myself and get my life together.....

my new neighbor is making so much noise and I can't sleep well at night then....I'm going to talk to him tomorrow! He's a night person and the whole night he has TV on and walking around and making noise!

I had a good weekend so far....busy busy...dancing tonight was good and I spent three hours at my hairdresser....gosh....that was long time...color, cut, hair treatment and then blow dry!

Belle, you are in a right track, trust me, just wait and I'm sure you will get the best result from being patient

I have guests over tomorrow and haven't done anything yet....got to sleep now and wake up tomorrow soon to take care of stuff.....

bye for now
M.

Going to the hairdresser is a nice way to relax.. and you always walk away feeling better I think

The date from last night text me today asking if I wanted to go to the football with him tonight... So am taking that as he is keen
I had plans but text him back that "I'd love to see him again and going to the football would have shown how little I know about the game, but that I had plans. Thanks for the offer though."
Not too gushing I hope.
Wait and see what happen.

Have fun with the guests tomorrow - enjoy your weekend xx

When one door closes another door opens. Wait for that door to open...it will be sooo much better than what was behind door #1. Wait for it!!
You can find that life if you are willing to embark on a great adventure..Eldridge.

Is a hairdresser like a nanny? Or, it that where the wigs are kept?