well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

thanks for sharing your experience with us....I'm 36 and haven't been mother yet....I do love to have a baby and I'm afraid about the timing too...but in other hand, what's a point of being with a guy who can't make a good dad....
Belle...my dear...sometimes, the best thing is just to let him go with love....send your love towards them and free your heart and mind from them....

Belle,

Thinking of you, I can relate. I spent 5 years with a man, that was never going to marry me. I dumped him, but the moral of the story is that I then met my now husband after I set him free. Love will find you again, and bring the joy of motherhood to you also when God's time is right. Focus on the beauty of you right now and enjoy yourself.

awesome circle of loving supporters you have gathered here with you Belle on your journey through a heart changing time in your life. A journey many have and/or are traveling with you. Let us all believe in our hearts desire. Drawing to us that which we imagine. Be well.

Thank you all for the loving and caring support. Sanity Seeker thanks for sharing your story.

I see my T tonight... and I feel I need to today. Not exactly a bad day yesterday but not a good day. Today seems to be shaping up the same.

I ended up emailing Mark to ask if she was pregnant... had to know - it wouldn't have made a difference to me I don't think really but I just wanted to ask again. He replied with "No, unless she hasn't told me that she is."

I have cut contact with him right back to about once a week... and then it's still too much but with time I know that I'll fully move on and past him to a better place.

you have to try and move forward, try not to have contact with him, it will only bring about more pain.

by ignoring him and not contacting him and not even replying back to his emails or calls or txts, you can feel the empowerment and joy....

I agree with amante and marjan..... the sooner you cut off contact the better. I know you know that too Belle. It's hard. It is good you will be talking with your T tonight. Those sessions always give you focus and renewed strength. Maybe you can arrange more regular sessions for a while so that your positive energy can be better sustained. Just a thought.

So how do you feel about asking Mark and his response? Did it help you let it go? You said 'ask again'. Does that mean you asked him before? LOL... I am sounding like a T here. Forgive me. I will leave that kind of probbing to the professionals. Just leave them here for thought. No response required.

Yea.... you will get past Mark. Sooner or later. Any chance you can take a holiday and get out of town for a while. A change of scenery is always a good thing. Maybe a yoga retreat or something equally self caring.

Be well my friend.

I want to respond Sanity Seeker

Yes when he first rang me to tell me that he was engaged I asked if she was pregnant... I guess it's the first thing that went through my mind and that of people around me.
It doesn't make me feel any different about the situation really. It was more of a jealousy thing I think. That my dreams (and now thats all they were) were that we would get married and have kids soon...

I'm always great after my T sessions.. usually for about two weeks. Seeing him more often I don't think would help much as I'd use it as a crutch rather than standing on my own two feet

I have email contact with him in between sessions if I'm not doing well and I can always ring him too. Plus my GP is great - I had never really gone to this doc before but he will be my regular GP from now on.

I've been to a few different T's over my years and really this guy is the best and knows exactly how to get me to see things as they are rather than as I want to believe them to be.

I have another "friend" date this weekend, but I'm not sure that I really want to go. It's about broardening my horizons and getting a bigger circle of friends. If I can keep it on a friendship level that will be great.

I am actually starting to miss Paul (the guy that came down from Tom Price - 17 hours away) but I don't think it means I want a relationship with him, more that I'm just a little lonely and it was great to spend all weekend doing fun things with someone who was attentive and affectionate

Love to you all, especially you Sanity Seeker xxx

awe... you are tooo sweet to me. Sounds like you have a great support team working with you so you are in good hands all round.

As for the question.... I think it was probably my first thought to so not surprised you asked him straight away. Still you will likely never make sense of his sudden decision to marry this girl. I guess in a way it is good news that she isn't pregnant given your desire to have a child. That would be like mud in the face after being splashed by puddle spray. lol... where did that come from. What you call my poetic writing style. lol.

I think its cool you are going out again this weekend. The right life for a beautiful 30 year old woman to be enjoying. Perfect. That's how you do it. Keep on living life to the fullest. Just relax and have fun. Enjoy the moments as they come. Don't worry about defining anything, just have some fun. You so deserve it.

Sanity Seeker you are right, if she was pregnant I think it would be like she had stolen my entire dream and not just part of it.... But it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things I guess.
I am happy just being me. I had my T appointment yesterday and it makes me feel so great and bouncy afterwards. Plus it's Friday here so that's usually a good day
We didn't really talk all that much about Mark and Lisa, more just about me and how I feel. He told me that I was noble and that not many women out there are like that. I like the term noble but it's something that I don't really see applying to myself.

As you say I will just enjoy the moments as they come and try not to label anything. It's a new concept for me to live one day at a time and not really worry so much about the future but it's working well for me right now xxxx

I have ahad a good weekend for far. Went out on Friday night (haven't been on that whole scene for over 5 years!) it was nice and I have realised that I can still have a great time without drinking. I think that was what stopped me going out, that I didn't know if I cold handle the situation being sober.

I went for my early morning walk and it was great. I love that time with my friend and it's important really to how I feel come Monday. I'm climbing up the side of the ravine that I was in and I have got a firm grip this time I think!

Sunday nights seem to be my bad time. Not sure why, maybe it's because I'm relaxed and alone getting ready for the working week.
I thought and dreamed about him last night. I hate that I still do that and that I miss him. I don't feel I love him anymore so that doesn't seem to be the issue. It's more that I miss the 'relationship' and there are things I miss about him I think... only that I didn't have to explain myself or anything like that. He knew who I was and what I was... with no 'getting to know you' needed.

I still hope that his relationship ends bitterly... makes me horrible I guess but he doesn't deserve to be happy in my opinion. Not right now anyway

my dear Belle....don't wish bad for others....that's not good....just try to shift your thoughts away from them....I know that's difficult to think about them together and you being alone....
that has happened to me last year, but not like yours....you've been with this guy longer....however, when he broke up with me, quickly got a girlfriend and wrote n his facebook that he's in a relationship with her....but that relationship didn't last that long....I didn't know because I stop all communications with him till I got back to my dance class when I healed completely....boom...I saw him alone....and he told me that the girl has dumped him....whatever.....I felt sad for him which was surprised to myself....I was like you thinking about a bitter end for them....but then when I saw him unhappy, I found out, I don't want to see him unhappy.....
Sometime, we got to learn how to let it go and set ourselves free from drama.....
what is happened has happened.....past and future don't exist....stay in this present moment and try to do what makes you happy.....find a hobby that keeps you busy.....try try try....and then you will find that person.....
I'm still hopeful too....and you are younger.....don't waste your time and your mind thinking about him....He is the past....and past doesn't exist anymore.....think this way that you may find a better guy....ha...it's so exciting.....
take care
Marjan

Thanks so much xx

I suppose I don't really want him to be in pain and wishing bad things is horrible.
i have started going to Yoga and I am getting out a lot more.. it's nice until the down times.
I'm enjoying myself most of the time though. Not really looking for the next relationship. Am happy being just me for the time being. I think that I will find it when I am not looking for it xx

You don't even need to explain the situation. I just spent the past year in the same kind of agony and just a few days ago finally came to resolution. My heart really goes out to you!!! <3 <3 <3
At least now we can heal and move on.

I used to do Yoga....and it's good and relaxing....but now I found meditation better even than Yoga....and I do lots of exercise....It's great....It makes me feel great....
the happiness is all in our mind....what we think? what we think is making us happy or sad....simple....if we learn to think positively and ignore all negative thoughts in our mind, we can stay happy most of the time.....
Good that you feel okay....and give it a time...day by day you will feel better and better.....

I am loving Yoga and they do meditation at the end for about 20 minutes - I have trouble stopping the chatter in my mind but it's getting easier each time I go.
I agree that happiness is all in our minds. 90% of the time I am positive (used to be 99.95%) just the odd thought sneaks in occassionally.

Thanks heaps x

I think it is pretty natural to wish him suffering to know your pain even if it is toxic. That said we know it is important to not let toxic thinking in or it can easily consume us and change us into someone we don't want to be. Like with Marjan if you did see him in pain you would feel badly for him and that is who you are and who you want to continue to be. A loving, caring person who is currently mending a broken heart. It is best for you to wish him well which in turn brings you healing rather than entertaining bad wishes that keep you hooked to the pain without any gain.

Off topic..... I need.... want.... feel compelled.... to comment on the assumption that happiness is all in our minds. No doubt that is true and I work it all the time but ignoring negative thoughts is sometimes a lot easier said than done. I know I am over sensitive to this topic because I get a lot of the 'snap out of it' and 'think positive' advice from friends and family so it is easy for any discussion about 'happiness is in the mind' to take me to a sensitive and defensive place. Hell, I teach the stuff so I know it is true but sometimes its not easy and even down right impossible when the mind is dysfunctioning.... due to mental illness. I am judged and criticized by myself and others for not being able to maintain a truthful happy persona from one day to the next. For using mental illness like a crutch for something I could control if I choose to... if I want to be happy all I need to do is 'just' think happy thoughts. blah blah blah Think postively, think positively. Yes. I get it. And it works.... I know that too... but it can be short lived and fleeting. People in my life assume I choose to be negative when I could choose to be positive. Who does that? they ask while waving a 'give up on you' hand back at me. Get over yourself is pretty much what people think about me when I tell them I am having a bad day so for the most part I fake it and keep encounters with others short and sweet. It is enough to stop myself from blaming myself and beating myself up for loosing the battle with negative thinking let alone battling other peoples' assumptions about me too. I guess I want to know someone in my life gets how hard it is sometimes. When the negative is just so invasive and the effort to think positively exhausts me I want someone in my life to to say, 'Its okay. Its not your fault. It is hard and I am amazed you are still fighting.' Instead they say, 'just think postively and relax.' I want someone to come into my head and just see how hard it can be sometimes. I want someone to understand the struggle it really is to push away the negative thoughts and feelings. I will have a day without the battle and actually have a taste of happiness and even think 'hey this is easy' only to wake the next day in the midst of a war zone with the negative thinking consuming every minute of every hour of my attention. My only defense is to counter the negative with positive but it is bloody exhausting just to stop the spiralling until something in my head breaks and the negativity retreats for an unpredictable period of time. The positive thinking for all its power doesn't produce happiness for me it just prevented the negative from destroying me. For as long as I can remember all I have ever wanted out of life is to be happy. Just to be happy. Consumed with negative thinking makes that really tough. Having good days and bad days with no apparent determining factors continues to defy logic for me. Yes think positively but if it doesn't work sometimes don't hate yourself for it. Just love yourself through every minute of every day no matter what.

Sorry... I know I am over reacting to good and solid advice. I don't mean to offend anyone here and I probably should not have dumped my own drama here either because I know I am preaching to the choir. After all PC is the place where people do understand and know how I feel and where I come for comfort. I am venting to those who aren't even here to read this. Forgive me my self indulgence.

Thinking happy thoughts for you and all of us. The sun is shining in my part of the world today and my garden is whispering invitations through my open window. Think I will go indulge in some earth therapy for a while.

Be well sweet friends.

Thanks Sanity Seeker

Feel free to have your opinions all of the time. I sort of understand. I can 'try' to be positive, bubbly and happy but when the bad stuff creeps it's impossible to stay that way ALL of the time.
Sometimes I feel that being 'bubbly/bouncy' is a bit of a lie... putting on a good face inspite of the bad. True it does pick up my mood when I am down.

Love to everyone

I found out most of people don't know even what positive thinking is all about....and how to think positively....I know you can get exhausted by pushing your mind to think and think positively....but what really that positive thinking is? that's the main question.....
I attended different type of classes about positive thinking and meditation, yoga and read so many books and articles and it was killing me.....till I found the way by myself.....I think it just comes with practice and wanting it and finding out what is the best for YOU.....
I don't say I'm a master of positive thinking (then I would be an enlightened being like Buddha...hehehe).....but when I can check mark a whole months without feeling really down, I consider it as a very good month....
I think I was so sad for so many years that I finally gave up on sadness.....but we are all human being and we have good and bad days....if we don't have bad days then we won't appreciate those good days.....
And yes it's so hard for Belle to feel happy and wishing good for him while he left her like that all with questions......
We don't have answer for things which are happening in our life....we don't know why some people are so lucky and all good things are happening to them and some of us are not that fortunate....but at least we have our mind and that property is us and we can control it....but not by forcing too much....nothing will change over night....It needs practice and start with little things first.....little by little.....
sorry to bla bla about positive thinking.....but I know that's possible....I'm at the beginning of the journey and I hope it goes this way.....I really don't want all those sadness come back to me....those depressed days.....no....nobody should have those days.....we should be all happy.....
but it looks like it's easier to be sad than happy....that's the ugly truth....there is more effort to be happy than be sad!
hope every one of us find out how to stay happy or at least neutral.....
take care
Marjan

Thanks Marjan x

I think happiness can be found in the least likely places. I am happy most of the time and it's great!

I appreciate knowing you all know how difficult it is to not give in to the sadness and the negativity it creates.

I totally agree that positive thinking takes practise and somedays it works better than others. I know for me because of positive thinking I am able to keep myself out of that horrible pit of dispair that used to consume me even if a genuine sense of happiness still seems a fair off reach for me to achieve. I too need and want to believe it will just get better and better with practise and the worst is behind me.

Thank you both for indulging me in my moment of rant. I am learning that too Belle. To appreciate the blessing and allow myself to enjoy moments of happiness as I look for them more diligently.

Today while in the garden, gazing on the rock cliffs I actually giggled at some of the faces I could see the sun and shadows expose to me. I call them my power rocks because they empower me to believe.

Blessings.......

I do believe that life is a journey.....we can have good and bad moments....good and bad events.....but it's up to us how to look at them....how to turn them into a good thing or a sad thing....it's like we are watching a movie of ourselves....and we are the actors and actress of the movie....we can laugh at our misfortunes or we can cry over them.....
I don't like those books telling me how to think about money stuff and get rich....and that's the positive thinking....or think stupidly about relationships and then boom the guy would magically fall in love with me....no....those are big B.S. and are not positive thinking....those are just trying to control things and other people....that's not good at all!!!! that doesn't bring happiness....actually, I think opposite, it will bring sadness if it doesn't work!
I specially didn't like the book "Secret"....I found it very commercial....and I could not even finish that book....arggg....
What I find real and true is what I'm learning from Buddhism and meditation class that I'm going....and learning how to find happiness through compassion and understanding that most of sufferings are coming from attachments.....and understand that the challenges in life are there to make me stronger and more patient.....
well....that's my believe....and I'm still new to the whole subject....but it's really working for me....and I enjoy it....I love the way that I'm watching what I'm thinking and if I'm trapping so much in past or future, then I tell myself "past and future don't exist yet...leave them alone Marjan....enjoy this breathing time or enjoy this music...."
Yes...music, dancing, reading, writing and exercising are making me focus to my present moment.....
I used to go to my dance class and if Aaron wasn't showing up, I was so sad and not wanting to dance at all.....I even quite my dancing for awhile when I found out he walked into the class with the new girl.....oh god, that was so painful....now, I'm free of that attachment.....although, I still see him handsome and I have the chemistry with him and it won't be enjoyable seeing him with somebody else.....but that's the reality of life....he won't stay alone....and I hope I won't stay alone too....I love my dance class for now, and I want to go without feeling that attachment to him....so....I set myself free from attachment and it feels great.....
I'm hoping to be helpful here.....just wanted to say that....if you have a bad day, just wait a moment, breath and try it....little by little.....
with love
Marjan

Thanks both Sanity Seeker and Marjan x

I just came back from Yoga and lke you say Marjan it makes me just focus on the moment. The meditation is hard at the moment - last week was great I was able to open my mind and just be, tonight images of Mark came in and I had to shut them out. I don't even kno where they came from as that hasn't happened before. Strange.

Thanks for sharing your life journey and what you are learning. Every experience that I read about makes me more positive about the present and the future.

Good to hear Belle you are keeping up with the yoga. I have yet to crack open my yoga videos but working in the garden for a few hours most days now that spring is on the horizon is stretching the old bones and muscles. The sunshine is getting me outside more and I benefit a lot from spending time in nature. It is also where I am able to focus best on the 'now'. It is like an active meditation. I declare my time in the garden or walking in the forest as 'no thinking time'. I only observe what is and push all other thoughts and concerns away. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about 'stuff' and have to remind myself again that I am in a 'no thinking zone'.

I still get flash thoughts of Dennis out of no where now and then. Romanticizing what could have been if..., what could still be again if.... They take me nowhere useful of course so like you I push them away and get on with life accepting what is and giving thanks for the memories. I am fortunate that we are still each others best friend but that took time to evolve and since we share a son it makes us better parents. I am yet to be tested with the news that he has a new partner in his life but as time goes by I feel more prepared and in fact find myself hoping he does because I know how much he would like that to happen.

I too appreciate what you are sharing Marjn. I have been practicing meditation and studying Buddist teachings for a few years now.... irregularly but it always draws me back to its peaceful centredness. It is very compatable to other old teachings and belief systems that I have learned over the years to incorporate into my life. Teaching that remind me of the importance of being present, in touch with and nurturing of my whole self... physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Mostly medicine wheel teachings of my ancestral people.

I hear you about The Secret. It is a very commercialized version and exploited mis-use in my opinion of an old truth. Setting intentions for things you want to come into your life has value in that it can focus you to create positive energy but I think if misunderstood people fail to gain from it as a mindset and get lost instead searching for elusive dreams that fall short.

I wonder if either of you have read any of Ekhart Tolle's books. The Power of Now and A New Earth. He has a newer one out too but I can't think of the name. I really enjoy his writing and how he brings forward the wisdom of the ages in a fresh way. The Power of Now helps me alot to settle the rapid thinking that goes on in my head sometimes. It is really about meditation. Also Dr. Wayne Dyer has been writing a lot recently about the Toa and it adds another dimension to this kind of positive energy and remaining present based approaches. Applying the principles and practices of meditation and positive thought energy to strengthen and focus a person forward. At least that is how I apply it while I need reminders of how to cope with the urges to give in to the negative sadness that can be very front and centre somedays.

At the end of the day it is like you say Marjn a choice to just wait a moment, breath and set yourself free from the past attachment with thoughts that are positive and separate from people or things that no longer define us. It is what can spring us forward into the new possibilities. Letting go of attachments to past loves is how we open the door to future loves..... or careers or dreams of children or anything else we want to welcome into our lives.

For many years now I have been mourning the loss of my career and berating myself for letting go of 'the perfect job'. Blaming my illness for ruining my life. I have just recently come to understand.... and this discussion has reminded me again.... how by staying attaching to the memories of the job and my version of how I lost it I was preventing myself from blossoming onto a new career journey. I was trapped into thinking I would never rise again. I am working hard now to break that attachment and replace the recentments with appreciation for what was so that I can finally let go and move forward. So that I can have eyes to see and a heart to embrass what is ahead instead of dwelling on a romanticize version of what is now behind me. While Dennis and my job shaped me in many ways they need not hold me to that same shape.

Because of our past attachments there is much for all of us to look forward to with apprecation as times and experiences shared rather than sad reminders of dreams and futures lost. Nothing is lost. The journey has simply taken a change in direction we hadn't expected. Our choice now is to embrace the future.

Okay.... enough of my rambling here. Just got me fired up with optomism thinking about the positive side of the coin. Feels good. Happy day!! By choice and by my intention. lol.

Be well....