well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

Marjan... I am sorry you are feeling this stress from you sister. Sybling relationships can be so challenging. My sister and I love each other as family but we don't see or talk to each other very often. Maybe once a year if that unless a family issue comes up that we need to talk about.

Go ahead and rant all you need to Marjan. I know it can help to unload sometimes. Perhaps one of you needs to be the hero and take the risk of planning something for tomorrow for you to share together. Maybe if you just dropped by after your class with some pizza or something if you think she would turn down a preplanned invitation to get together. I hope you don't miss the chance to share the holiday together since it obviously means a lot to you that neither of you be alone.

Tell me more... what new year is this tomorrow?

Thanks SanitySeeker....well...I'm always the one who forgive and she knows it very well....even my other sister knows it and they play the game with me....they always show their anger towards me and I'm the one who calls them first....they even say that....but I guess it's becasue I need them more than they need me! They have husbands and my older sister has two kids, versus me not having anybody in my life....I'm kinda pissed at myself for not having a partner and needing my family for holidays....
I emailed her today telling her that our new year is all about forgiveness to put all bad things behind and forgive each other, why are you turning against of me for just one word poped out from my mouth saying I have a class at that time.....and I said I want to be together for the new year...
She hasn't respond me back.....honesty, I'm tired of their childish behaviours.....I miss my dad so much....he was the only one who was on my side always and could understand me.....my mom and my sisters are a group together.....I don't even look like them! They always share lots of interests together which are not my interests.....I'm more into outdoor activities, making friends, studying stuff and they are more into home decoration, cooking and fasion!!! I feel always left alone.....specially now that dad is not around anymore....
last night, she emailed me that she has a plan for the whole day....I think I will go to her home in the morning and if she's not there then I'll go to my class and tomorrow would be another regular day of the calendar!
This is a Persian New year....we celebrate the moment that spring starts and it's all about forgivness and celebrate the rebirth!
thanks for listening to me....
I'm so stressed these days from work, relationships and now my sister has spiced up to it.....
I'm actually close to my sisters, we talk often on the phone or email....but if I want to choose a friend, they are not the one that's why my friends are so different than my family!
last night I slept really bad and I had bad dreams.....I had dream that one of my girlfriends were making up with Kevin in front of me....I didn't want Keving in my dream, but I was pissed at the friend.....
sometimes, I think if I have my own family and kids, then I won't have all these dramas!
M.

It is rough to be the outsider in a family. I am sorry you are hurting for the loss of your dad today. I lost my mother a long time ago but the hurt is fresh none the less. We were very close and it really is lonely without her.

I am glad to be here for you Marjn. I am sorry you are hurting and I really hope something special happens today to lift your spirits. I hope someone special comes into your life really soon to fill some of the voids you feel.

lol... don't kid yourself. When you have your only family and kids you will live a whole new kind of drama. Of course it is different but drama is everywhere. It is how we cope and grow that makes it worth it.

I managed to get to sleep quickly last night after I did some tapping exercises but I woke twice from bad dreams. Curled up in a ball crying away but I can't really remember the dreams now. The first one had something to do with stuff being pilled up around and on top of me and no one listening. The second one I can't recall anything about. I don't often remember dreaming at all so wonder if the tapping brought this on or what happened there. Feeling really lonely and heavy today. Emotionally heavy. Like I can't feel but I know I am loaded up with something. Will try to shake it off somehow.

That sounds like a beautiful way to bring in the spring season. In my culture we celebrate spring with a cleansing of the body with the first morning dew. Giving thanks to Creator and Mother Earth for the bounty of provisions the new season of life's forces represents. Rebirth. Renewed from the long winter rest. Very similar.

Join me today to celebrate the beauty that surrounds us, that offers itself freely without drama without pain without us needing to do anything or be anyone except who we are already. Children of the universe. hey.... I think I am going to google up that song. Deserata. Could use a lift up today.

Take good care.

thanks Sanityseeker.....

ya....spring is in the corner and we all deserve to have that special person in our life....but it looks like life wants something else for us...what should I say?

I usually have very low expectations from friends and family and I go with a flow and I hate it when they throw their stress over my shoulder....

We celebrate the spring with cleaning our home and mind....so, I cleaned the home, but not sure about the mind.....

I think I'm getting better each day, by meditation and not thinking too much, but there are times that I'm truly wishing for a love from a guy.....I think I'm more angry at Kevin for being such a loser, but that's not a valid anger....he is what he is....poor guy....I'm sure he has down side specially that I dumped him....but he was all smiling and happy looking on Wednesday hike and he was talking to a Chinese girl the whole night....I didn't care...didn't even look!

Exercise is the great way to reduce my stress and eating healthy food and meditation.....I'm still hopeful for a future with a family of my own!

Did you get any response back from your interview? Do you look for a job in Craigslists? you will be surprised, both my previous jobs, I found them on the craigslist....

good luck and thanks again
Marjan

You should say.... in its perfect time. When I am most ready.... they will come. Meanwhile I will grow and be and become all that I am blessed to be. A child of the universe... no less than the trees and the stars... you have a right to be here... the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace..... Listen....



No phone call... yet. Not holding my breath. Have a couple other leads. Will follow up. Not thinking about it today.

Oh....I love this....thanks....I will repeat it in my head....that gives me lots of courage

thanks
and wish the best for you
Marjan

After work, I went to my sister's home.....I found her sick and her home was messy.....I cleaned her kitchen....and told her that tomorrow I will come and pick her up before our new year and we can be together at that time....her husband has an exam tomorrow.....
I feel better now....I hate to have conflicts....I want everybody to be happy including myself
Life is so short...we don't know from where we came and where we go...then why bother with sadness?!

wish you all the best
Marjan

Hi girls

Sanity Seeker did you hear back about the job? I'll check the other thread in a second... that may have news

Marjan you are suck a lovely person. I hate confilict too and try to do everything to stop it and I shy away from confrontation - except in my job, sometimes it just has to happen... I suppose that's a contradiction..

I went out with Chris on Friday night. Was lovely evening with a nice ending. Back to his place for a few cuddles.
Yesterday I had a really bad/down day. One of those days you just don't want to get out of bed, shower or get dressed. The only thing I can think of to explain it is - I want to find love - the love I have felt before and I don't think Chris is the one.. or any of the others that I occassionally date..
I dwelled on it all day I think ad it made me miss Mark. I loved him with all of my heart and it still drives me nuts that he is with someone else.... The questions all came back yesterday.. Why? What's wrong with me?

ANYWAY....... Today I am feeling much better. I walked on the beach with my wonderful friend, laughed and talked about 'nothing' and 'everything'...

My little sister and her little boy are coming for lunch.. I love them to bits but do wonder will I ever have that.. will I have a child and a relationship that I am totally happy with ever again...

But keeping my chin up - there are so many positives that I can focus on and that's what I plan to do for this week.

A bit of a whinging self seving post - sorry

Hope the sun is shining on both of you today xx

It's okay my friend to whine sometimes....yes...all those thoughts are in my mind too....but that should not stop you from smelling the roses in meanwhile....
I think I don't know what life wants from me.....I have to be patient and see how it goes.....
Yesterday I had choice, I could just not go to my sister and stop talking to her for a while or I could just go and knock her door....I chose to go and knock her door and forget about the pain she caused me on Wednesday night....I didn't sleep well the whole night and I was late at my work!
Today, I picked her up and we spent the whole day together....It was nice....she was happy and that's important to me....I cooked for her (I hate cooking....just simply I think we can do something better in our life rather than wasting time by cooking!) I gave her a check as a gift for new year....she cried and told me this is the first year not having dad....I had to be strong and not cry and just hold her as an older sister.....
We went to theater after that and watched Alice in wonderland in 3D....It was okay....I could connect to Alice....I'm Alice in wonderland....I always have dreams....sometimes not sure even if the dream is true or just a dream.....
then I dropped her off at her home.....her husband didn't show up, he's pretty sick with flu and ear infection!
we talked to mom and she was doing okay.....when I dropped off my sister, I cried so hard alone in the car.....I miss my dad and wished mom was not alone.....wished my sister had a better job.....but we can't change things quickly, just we can wish for things.....
Belle....you are young and I'm sure you will find somebody that you feel connected with.....enjoy your life....I can see a wonderful person in you....any guy would be so happy to have you....just wait....
It's so normal to think about Mark....I'm like you, whenever I'm with somebody that I don't feel that much, I want the one that I felt connected with, but based on my experience, when the one that you feel for is coming to your life, you will forget all about Mark.....and that's amazing....that's how our mind is working....we can program it....
take care of yourself and it's better I go to bed now....I'm boomed so tired....gosh....cooking is making me more tired than working out....hehehe.....

with love
Marjan

I'm glad that you got to spend the day with your sister even if it made you want better things for your family and miss your dad. Family is so important.

I spent the day with my step sister and her little boy - it was a great day (yes I'd like a little baby of my own) I love him to bits and enjoy spending time with her and him.

Thanks for readng my whinge I think you are right.. the one that I will connect to is out there some where (for both of us!)

Sanity I hope you are doing okay .
Big hugs to both of you xx

I am well Belle. Keeping busy with spring cleaning. No gardening today as it is raining heavily. Disappointing since I opted for cleaning yesterday with a plan to garden today. It didn't look or feel like ran was coming. Wish now I had reversed the order especially since I have piles of garden scraps from the last time I was out scattered around the yard. They will be a mess to clean up now.

A friend came over yesterday to see the kittens. Unfortunately her husband isn't as keen as she to adopt one. We went out for chinese food afterwards with my son. It was a nice change to have a visitor.

I loved being an auntie to my sister's children when they were young. My mother was still alive and they would come to stay with us often. We spoiled them to peices. The older girl remembers her gramma and all the shopping trips and happy times but her younger brother does not since he was still a baby when she passed. We have a special bond and I charish it.

I lived with a cousin for a few years and his children would visit on weekends. We grew very close and to this day I am like a second mom to his daughter. I have a similar relationship with another young cousin. Her mom is my special auntie.

While motherhood has its unique blessings being an aunt and a special someone for a child can be equally rewarding over a lifetime of special times together. I didn't expect to ever have my own and I think had I not I would still feel the blessings of motherhood because of all the children who are now adults who share a special love for me.

I am so glad Marjn that you and your sister were able to spend the new year day together. My heart aches for your sorrow. Loosing a parent may be the natural order of things but I know no deeper pain. Trust that he is always near and let his love touch you with fond memories and gratitude for the love you shared. It is no small thing to feel deeply the love of a parent. Too many were not so blessed as us.

Be well my friends. I am feeling rather meloncholy today. This too shall pass.

Not having a good day. Need to make some kind of changes. Somehow. Need to zone out for a while. Not coping well. May not be around. Will be holding you dearly in my heart and prayers.

Warm soft hugs Sanity - let us know how you are going

Hope you feel better soon....I think you can blame the rainy weather though.....a funny movie may help....just a tip

yesterday was good and today I went for a long walk with one of my friend then she came over for lunch....she just left.....she knows Kevin and she told me he sounds so boring! I'm just pissed at myself that I can't figure out who is a good match for me before dating the poor guy and dumping him....argg...

I think I'm just so desperate......not sure what to do really....I'm just hanging out with my girlfriends more and exercise more.....and hope for the best.....

with love
Marjan

I am sure that the right person is out there.... going out with girlfriends and exercising is a good distraction.. and you never know - 'he' might be out there one day when you go out some where

Thanks Belle for giving me hope.....

However, for some reason I'm okay....days are coming and going and I'm not stressed over the passing life....I used to be so much in rush and be scared of not accomplishing what called normal, you know what I mean, having kids and husband and family of my own.....but it looks like I'm getting to a conclusion that not everybody's life is the same.....we got to accept the life as it is and go with the flow.....
ya....it's awesome to find that special person and not be alone....but when that person is not there, we still can be happy and live our life to the fullest!
how was your weekend? anything exciting? I know you might be thinking about M. same as me thinking about A. I even let my mind to have some day dream about us together.....hehehe.....that doesn't harm....does it?

take care
Marjan

Yeah I am thinking about M alot... and then he emails me grrrrrrr...
I had decided that if he did and sounded down then I was going to pull him up on it... I was sick of him giving me confused signals - I don't think he knows that he was but he has been.

So I just did it...
Got the usual "not really, nothing special" when I asked him about his weekend.
So I replied with "What no planning a big wedding or buying a house or having kids?? Your meant to be having the most wonderful time of your life!"....
His reply annoyed me so much " nope no plans. What makes you think I'm meant to be having the most wonderful time of my life?"
My reply "I would have expected you to be happy and all that.. you know how love makes you feel.. at least I remember the feeling. When I hear from you, you sound sad/depressed and I just wondered why tis all.. I thought you would have been great"
His response was "I don't know why I'm not happy, never was a happy type of person, why would you expect that to change :P"

Right now I just feel like crying.. he has managed to make me soooo sad with the email and I don't even understand why....

I wanted him to tell me that he has exactly what he wanted out of life and that it was worth breaking me and my heart for what he has now... It would have hurt me but it would have made it feel worthwhile...

I want to scream and shout but as I am at work I wont...

He's a drama queen!
If I were you, I would have either ignore him completely or I would have asked him out and tell him all my feelings and see what he says.....I would have told him how I feel when he left me for another girl and he's engaged to her and still getting in touch with me and giving me mix messages.....If he respects you, then he got to make his choice....
Besides, probably, he's a kind of guy who is never be happy and satisfied.....I don't see him happy with the other girl....honesty, if he was totally happy in his relationship, he would never have emailed you.....
Belle....let him go....try to move on.....you are in a right track....don't waste all your effort.....I know how you feel, but you can't change anybody else.....however, the good news is that you can change yourself and your thoughts and your feelings....so, do it.....
make your choice, either stop contacting him or just jump with your head and talk to him....tell him this is bothering you....It's hard for you to know about him....
At the bottom line, it's you who has to make the choice and make the decision....but this is my advice to you....
Stay strong....I can see a very strong girl on you.....
It's been so many times in my mind to do something and get back to Aaron, but then I remembered how he treated me and how he moved on with another girl, so, this guy would do the same again....why should I even bother myself to put myself in a weak position.....if he wants me, he's a man, he got to make the move and he got to work hard to catch me, otherwise, he will not appreciate me at all.....
Today, again I was thinking about joining an online dating site.....not sure why I'm debating with myself so much....I think because I've tried it and it was so hard for me to get connected with guys like that....but I have some friends who found their husbands on online dating sites.....
anyway, best of luck to you and don't take life so seriously....just enjoy it
Marjan

Thanks Marjan!!!
You are right... I am stronger than I think.. and if he's unhappy then it's his problem

Go with the online dating... I'm trying it and it's okay but I so get what you say about finding it hard to connect with the guys... I just keep trying haha.

I think that I need to go back to focusing on me being me and being happy within myself... I can't save the world by making everyone happy

You can't make everybody happy and we can't really save the world....but....if we stay positive and happy and energetic, then people can get benefit out of that....and that's more possible.....stay strong and whenever negative thoughts come to your mind, just tell them you don't have time for them right now and change your focus on something else.....
then you will be fine....
gosh....I'm so tired already....got to go home and then dance class....I'm looking forward to my class, but I'm boomed so tired....hope I can stay longer and practice tonight!
take care
marjan

Oh and I love that you call him a drama queen.... he used to call me that LOL not in a bad way more of as a joke cos I'g get worked up about little things

just back from dance class, it was great....and my teacher told me that my timing is good....finally ...It was so hard for me to harmonize myself with the music, I was going faster or slower, now I'm better
Aaron didn't show up....and honesty, I'm happier that he doesn't come to the class and I won't have delusion then.....I really don't want him in my life at all....Today, while driving to the class, I just remembered all the bad things he did to me and stuff he told me, then I got mad at myself even thinking about him....arggg.....
then when I was dancing, all of a sudden I thought about Mark...ya...your Mark....and I kinda got angry at him too....hehehe....It's funny, but I'm mad at Mark....I think he's so confused.....how it's possible to be with you for five years, and boom, he broke up with you and get engaged with somebody else.....this is totally wrong....there is something really really wrong with him....and I'm waiting to see how this thing with him and the girl will go.....there is no possibility of happiness like this.....that's not possible!!!!
sorry Belle for being mad at Mark I'm mad at myself too for even thinking about Aaron.....I'm sure he's busy somewhere else, that's why he's not showing up in the class at all.....

take care my friend, I just wanted to share my thoughts with you
M.

I love your thoughts... especially seeing they are along the same lines as my thoughts ... Especially the 'no possibility of hapiness'...
Don't think about it too much LOL you will just give negatives to your emotions

I'm glad that you enjoyed the class. It's nice when someone tells you that you are doing it right... like me with Yoga - there is not real 'right' or 'wrong' but when you nail something head on and it's how it's meant to be.. well I get silly bouncy happy!

I have yoga tonight and I'm looking forward to it also going to try and catch up with my pregnant friend. We used to walk together EVERY night but her hours at work have changed and I feel like I haven't seen her in weeks.. it really hasn't been that long haha

You take care too and enjoy evening x

True....I should not pay attention to my negative thoughts and emotions!
I slept good, that's all matter and today I scaled myself and I lost 3 pounds....hoho...finally....My goal is losing another 7 pounds to be 120 pounds, then I'm good....
ya....dancing is great, I love it....and I'm getting better and better each time!
I used to do Yoga everyday, it's great, but these days I'm more into going to GYM, hiking, rock climbing and dancing....can't do the slow motion my slow motion time is when I'm meditating.....
I think life is good if we are good to it or if we think he's good to us....
Tonight, I have dentist appointment and after that I'm going to Improv comedy club which my acting teacher has it....It should be fun! I love acting....my sister told me probably I can register for a junior college and study acting as part time.....I do enjoy it and I think I'm going to see my options....I'm not looking at it as a new carrier, just a hobby like dancing....
Belle, what has happened between you and the new guy? I can't remember his name....are you still going out with him? I should find a date for myself....hehehe....it's been couple of months without date! Not sure if I want to get into a drama, probably, it's better to find a guy friend rather than a boyfriend.....

I should start working now....
take care my friend and have a wonderful day
Marjan

Hi

Studying acting at junior college would be great for you - you'd meet new people and enjoy yourself at the same time.
I love yoga and last night was good.
Congrats on losing 3lbs! keep dancing and the weight will fall off

Not sure about the new guy... to be honest the spark has faded (am I a horrible person??!) I did sleep with him last weekend - figured that after seeing him every weekend for 2 months it was okay to see what happened. I just felt guilty and let down afterwards *groan* can't explain why.
I have a couple of other guys that are interested... will go on a few dates and see where it leads (the marvels of online dating!). I don't know what I want or what I'm looking for - that could be that I'm just not ready for anything serious as yet but I just don't know...
I want the fairy tale I think

Time for me to do a little work too xx
Take care
Sanity if you are out there drop a quick post when you feel up to it