Talking with my ex..

Today my ex called me, we spoke for about 2 hours. Things started off like just a regular conversation, how are you, what are you up to, you know the usual. Things moved on to us talking about our breakup. The reasons, the conditions, a lot of the things I wanted to say that I never really got to say. I'm still in love with her, I still think about her every day. I try to convince myself otherwise, I tell people otherwise and a lot of the time it's true but there hasn't been a day since we broke up that I haven't thought of her. I tried to keep things on a friendship level but I couldn't hold back. I spilled my guts about how I felt our breakup was so abrupt, without any real chance of repairing it. I talked about our memories, our plans, our hopes and dreams. I spoke of some of the things she had said to me, about how no guy had ever treated her how I did, how she knew she would never find anyone that loved her as much as I did. I just got every little bit of emotion out of my head that I had been holding onto these past 3 months since we stopped talking. We spoke once before today, but not like this.

Anyway, it got to the point where she started to cry, she said she couldn't keep talking about this. She kinda rushed off the phone, but it really left me confused. I can't help but think after todays conversation that she still has feelings for me, and if I really do my best to show her that it's worth repairing we can repair it. But now that I've finally got everything out of my head, I don't know how to feel. She put me through a lot of mental anguish, the breakup destroyed a lot of my confidence and really made me question my own self worth. I'm finally starting to get my confidence and belief in myself back now, and I'm doing it without her. I know I still love her, but I don't know if I really want to get back with her.

I've worked to try to forget her and try to get over it but after this call it feels like all of that work has vanished. Granted, we only got off the phone 30 minutes ago so this is all still fresh in my head and may disappear soon. I guess I'm kinda just wrestling with the idea that there really is a chance of us getting back together, when for these past 3 months I was 100% sure we are done for good and I should get over it and move on. I don't know how to feel, I'm happy we had this conversation, I'm happy I got all of this off my chest, I'm confused with her reaction to our conversation and now I'm sad about our breakup all over again. So many mixed emotions. Not sure there is any advice I'm really expecting, I just REALLY had to write down what was going on in my head at the moment.

So confused

Hey - HUGE HUGS TO YOU

You made me cry reading it... I wish you had of told me you were still feeling that way.
Remember I'm there for you as is everyone here on PC. I wont judge.
I still think about my ex... and I think it's normal.
After the engaged conversation it's like a break up all over again.

All I can say is that talk and write and just get it ALL out in the open. Here, on you blog and to everyone that will listen. Thats the only way I have gotten to where I am right now.

My T has told me that the only way was to cut contact and now I have... You were doing so well (I thought). Hopefully finally letting it all out to her you will start the healing process properly.

PM me if you need

Sorry that it brought up all the feelings again. As much as you love her still, try to think of what lead you to break up in the first place. I know how hard it is to still be in love.

Thanks guys, I'm feeling better today. It was just a lot of things I forced myself not to think about for a long time all floating to the top again. Realistically I know we're over, and I am ok with that even if some feelings still linger. Things did end for a reason, and while she was the one that officially pulled the plug, I think it was coming one way or another anyway. I was a bit stupid last night and went to the gym to try to relieve some stress but pushed myself way too hard and can't even straighten out my arms today heh. That, plus I'm snowed in which means today is gonna be a crappy day.

Had one of those incredibly realistic dreams about her last night that woke me up at like 3am and kept me up for 2 hours. I think these feelings are gonna be with me for a long time, or at least until I meet someone that makes me feel how she did. Thanks for your replies

So I woke up about 20 minutes ago and I guess I kinda came to some sort of conclusion why I was feeling how I was. I'm lonely, so lonely. I really don't do anything with my time. I lost a lot of friends over the years while I was with her just because I spent so much time with her or on the phone with her. I don't really go out, I don't have a job, I don't really have any friends, I don't talk to anyone on the phone. I have pretty much no human contact. I'm just a shell of a person right now and it's taking its toll on me.

I wish I could just turn back time, or magically find a job. I'm so tired of living like this and I don't see a way to change it other than getting lucky. I just hate my life right now, there's pretty much nothing good about it, nothing that brings me joy or satisfaction. I know it sounds like I'm whining, I just don't know how to get out of this and I absolutely HATE being here. I know I'm kinda basing my own happiness too much off others, but we're a social species and I have no social aspects in my life at all.

It's the same thing every single day. Wake up, put on a pot of coffee, take a shower, watch a bit of news, hop on the computer and check email and this website, bum around all day while looking for work. Then before I know it it's night and time to go to sleep and do this all over again the next day. I feel pathetic. Like my life has no meaning, and I guess a lot of the meaning in my life involved her. Now that she's gone I have nothing. I don't want my life to revolve around another person, but I've always kinda been that way. I just want someone to love, and someone to love me. I don't have that in any way right now and it's killing me.

Something she said to me that really made me think was "You're a much better person than I am". I asked her why, she said "Look how you're taking your friend cheating on her husband". Basically saying my morals are high and it's a bad thing that they are. After thinking about it, she may be right. I'm too good of a person, I expect too much out of people and I let myself get stepped on at times because I expect more from people. I kinda feel like I need to be more of a bad person I guess. Put myself first, ignore other peoples problems, take advantage of any situation I can take advantage of. My natural response to things is try to help, try to give advice, try to look on the bright side of things. Except if it involves me. I am so down on myself about everything that I really can't ever be happy.

So now I'm kinda at a crossroads. Do I sacrifice my own morals and standards in order to further myself in life? I mean really, you look at the "successful" people in the world and they're mostly ruthless self-centered assholes who will do whatever they can to get ahead. Maybe I need to adopt that mindset. I'm tired of getting stepped on or passed over because I'm easy. I guess I just need to look at the reality that life is a fight, and you come into this world alone and you leave it alone. It hurts to think like that, I like to think there's some good in the world and some caring people. And I know there are some, but usually they're the people like me who get stepped on by the others. I just don't know how I'm supposed to act, I was always taught to be caring and respectful and it hasn't done much good for me. I just don't know about anything really at the moment.

Don't be too hard on yourself ((A Long Ways)). It's very tough in the job market right now - what kind of work are you looking for? I saw one guy on the news and he put on his application, that he would work for free for a week - he got alot of offers and offers to stay at the job.

I know what you're saying about being nice and feeling stepped on. I think you can still be nice, but just learn to be assertive. I was very naive when I was younger, but as I got older, I learned how to stick up for myself respectfully. At the end of the day you need to look at yourself in the mirror and I don't think being nasty will benefit anyone in the end. Have you thought about volunteering for something you feel passioante about - this way you would meet others who have the same in common as you. I hope things improve for you soon.

Well the problem with volunteering is I need money. Pretty badly. I'm back in my mothers house now and... lets just say I don't want to be here long. If I'm spending my days volunteering I can't go on job interviews or search for jobs on the internet/newspaper etc. I was looking for work in building management/apartment brokering since that was what I was doing before the economy took a nosedive, but the market in NY is so completely decimated there's no work in it. Now, I'm basically looking for anything that isn't McDonalds.

One reason why I said I really think I have to change my attitude towards a more agressive, self-centered demeanor is most of the people I was working with still have jobs. I was always the "nice guy that dealt with old ladies", while they were dealing with the big money accounts. I mean, I'm not gonna get ahead in the world off tiny commissions. Granted I was basically working two jobs at once managing and brokering while all they were doing was brokering, but it still didn't change the fact I wasn't making nearly as much cash as them. Anyway, I'm getting a bit sidetracked, this is the relationship forum :x

My T is teaching me something important - I haven't grasped the entire concept yet - but NO ONE should have the ability to control your emotions but yourself....
When I figure out how I'll let you know

Stay safe and do just 1 thing today that makes you happier.. it can be small but baby steps are the best way to climb out of the blackness.

Hope everything is looking up x You are in my thoughts