[uoffl]

I posted a little bit ago about wanting to get to know my boyfriend's family, and he said he'd introduce me to them when he's in medical school. So here's a little bump that came up with the school department.
Since we both thought he's going to this one med school, I plan to move with him over to his area, so I applied to a school near his school to go there for graduate studies before I start my med years. We were planning to rent an apartment together near his school, and it'll be 45 min away from my school so I can just drive.
The bump that came up is this, that med school is not taking him off the waitlist, and he might not go there after all. So I was thinking, oh it's ok 'cause my graduate studies is condensed into 1 year instead of 2, so instead of staying near his school we can rent an apartment near my school. While I work my butt off in school to really pull through, he can work and volunteer in their hospitals for more experiences. Well, to make story short, he doesn't want to move with me if he's not going to school. So I have no clue what's gonna happen with my school plans now =(
I know he's not comfortable with me going to school just by myself and he's not there. I just know it, 'cause he keeps asking "so you're still going to so-and-so school?" even though I said yeah I think this program can really help me stand out in med and open many more doors for me as long as I do really good. But I've been thinking about it, and maybe it isn't such a good idea. I know he's not comfortable with me going away to a far school without him, so I need to come up with another plan for schooling! What should I do? I don't know what to do anymore. The thing is, I promised my Grandma I would get a degree from graduate school, and I want to make her happy.
But if I go away by myself, my boyfriend's not gonna be happy and what if he breaks up with me and I don't want that. I want to be with him, that's why I sacrifice so much to match my schooling with his so I can be by his side.
I wish he can just move with me for just 1 year! But that's the thing, he doesn't want to move, an I understand so I don't want to make him move. I'm soo stuckk! Maybe I should forget about going to the school I planned to go, and look into the school that's in my hometown where my boyfriend is. The thing is I don't know if they even offer such program 'cause the university is new. Sigh. Whichever way I look, I'm really stuck. I know he wants the best for me, he said he'll support me whichever way I choose, but I know he's not happy with me going away so far. Maybe I just need to step away from it....eat some chocolate...and re-look at the alternatives.

[Yoda]

You say he wants the best for you but it sounds like he wants the best for him.

It seems very one sided that you are the one changing plans according to his whim of the moment. He doesn't seem to be reciprocating.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with Yoda... This seems very one sided.

How long have you two been together? How far away would you be from each other if he stayed put and you went to the school you got accepted to?

He should want the best for you and be able to put his ego on the shelf for a few minutes and really understand what is best for YOU.

I don't think you should sacrifice your dreams, plans, or goals for him because he wasn't able to get into school and wants you to settle for less simply to be next to him.

I know this probably sounded harsh, and I apologize. But don't let your intelligence, passion, etc. be crushed for someone who can't appreciate all your talents.

Best wishes,
Ro

[Elysium]

I have to say that I agree with Yoda and Ro.

This sounds like he's not wanting to compromise here. Both of your educations are very important and neither one of you should have to sacrifice your education for a relationship.

If the relationship is truly strong, this won't be such an issue. If your Grad studies are condensed to one year, what's the big issue? One year is not that long to not live together in order for you to get your Grad stuff done and for him to get started at his school. Then, once you are done with your Grad studies, you could move with him. What is his reasoning for not being comfortable with you going to school without him there? Again, this sounds a bit selfish on his part, not to mention it sounds like he's attempting to isolate you.

What is his reason for wanting to wait till he is in Med School to introduce you to his family? That doesn't make sense to me. What is going to be the difference between now and then?

It doesn't sound like your so stuck. It sounds like you know which end is up in this relationship and that you can see he isn't being very fair or understanding but you don't like the choices you are looking at having to make.

Honestly, your education is VERY important. Your BF knows this but is wanting you to sacrifice that for him. My suggestion would be to really evaluate your relationship with him and see what is going to help you achieve your ultimate goals easier.

If it were me in this situation, I would tell the BF that my education comes first at this point and that if he truly cares he would support me in finishing my education, even if that meant going to a different school and living on my own for a while.

There's plenty of time to live together later.

if you really want to go to this school you got into then i do hope you will go. you've already sacrificed by being willing to find a school near his school choice location and live near his school once you guys were to be there. now, he needs to do some sacrificing for you. it can't always be you doing all the sacrificing. that isn't healthy. if he can't do that, well then maybe he's not really the best guy for you.

my best friend's brother didn't get into med school the first time he applied. so, he did a one-year grad school program and reapplied the following year. he got in and has been a happily practicing doctor for quite some time now. if your boyfriend really wants to go to this particular school then he should do something like you suggested and reapply next year. i do hope you two will be able to work something out.

[uoffl]

Hi everyone!
My boyfriend never said he wasn't okay with me going away to school. He always says I should do what I feel is the best way. I know he supports me and my education.
when I think what is the best way, I get stuck. We're working on problems in the relationship because of me, and the distance is going to make it much harder to work on those problems. I feel he would like me to be home and not be so far away because it would help with our problems and how we work on it. Which is why I would like to be able to stay in my hometown, but it's kinda late to apply to another program in my hometown so that's another reason why I'm stuck. I don't want to wait another year to get into master's, and I want to get a master degree, no matter where I go for school. I'm not particularly fond with the school I chose, since I chose it to be near him. So it didn't matter where I go really.
But we talked about it last night, and he says he wants me to do what I think is best. I kept asking him what does he think is best. So we looked at the pros and cons of each path. It's basically down to time vs. home. If I do the 1-year master, then we'll be able to accelerate our time to enter our choice of schooling after my master. If I choose to stay home and do 2 year, then he has to push his own schooling back 1 year, which he doesn't want to do. So we decided for me to do the original plan so we can speed up our schooling. I feel more at ease continuing this plan since he's said he's okay with it. I still know he wants me to be near, and he doesn't want to move with me. But this is what we have, so we gotta take it and take a leap together. I'm glad I talked it out with him, and I'm so thankful for all his efforts.

[uoffl]

Hi Yoda,
I know he's doing the best he can in our relationship. We do have a lot of work on though, since we're both so young and still so much to learn to balance everything out

[uoffl]

Hi RomanSunBurn,
We've been together almost 2 years, and I'll be away for 2 hours. The thing is, since his parents don't know about me, he won't be able to drive that long to my school to see me, or even talk to me on the phone.
He knows how much I want to be a doctor though, so he's really supportive about my education. I don't think he'd never want me to settle for anything less than what I want.

[salukigirl]

Y'know...at first I didn't like this guy. Then I did. Now I don't again.

You were going to move your education to be with him but he can't do the same for you. Personally, it sounds like he is controlling and doesn't really care one way or another what you do. It's all about him. He's a big boy! He can drive a couple hours to see you.

I'm sorry but this would be a breaker for me. He isn't "comfortable" with you going to school away from him? You're not 12. You can take care of yourself. And if it comes down to him not trusting you, well then that's not good either. You should NEVER sacrifice your happiness and education for a man! Especially when he doesn't even care about it. All he cares about is himself, where he goes and that you follow him where he goes. I would end this thing now.

And what problems are you working on that are all on you? You are being way too hard on yourself and way too accommodating to a guy who wont even introduce you to his parents after 2 years.

I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a dud to me. I would seriously consider going separate ways because you don't sound happy at all. Sounds like a one way street with this guy.

[uoffl]

I wanted to reply to everyone's responses, but I talked to my boyfriend again. I think there was a misunderstanding. I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore. I thought he said he's okay with me going away for 1 year. But now he seems to not be okay. He asked me if I email a school about 2 year online program so I can study at home, and I said I thought we agreed that I'd do the 1 year. And he asked "I said I thought it was best to do the 1 year?" Now I'm doubting my reading skill, did I really see him say that he was okay? What's wrong with me? Did I interpret what he said wrong? I think he got mad at me. I can't tell through online talking. He just turned cold the kind of "it's ok, I don't care" and I'm scared. I just need his help in deciding what'd best way for us. I'm just scared. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I can't tell reality anymore. I can't tell what's my fault, what's not. I'm so confused.
I'm not gonna cry. I told myself I'm not gonna cry. He hates it when I cry, so I'm not gonna cry. I dont want my sister and my mom worry about me either. So I can't cry. I know my friends would be hurt seeing me like this, so I can't cry. No, I've gotta smile and recollect myself, and maybe I'll be able to think straight and clearly, and come up with a solution.
Don't worry about me everyone. I just...don't know why I started typing nonsense. I'm gonna go and calm down. I'm gonna email a school about their online program.
I am in no mental condition to go to med, or be anyone's doctor.

[salukigirl]

Wow. He is absolutely controlling your every move. Do what's best for YOU. Not him. Go to the school you want. I guarantee you there are plenty of guys out there that will treat you a million times better than this guy. He is suffocating you by the sound of it. This really sounds like a dependent relationship which is not love. Please look into dependency in a relationship because what you're describing is not healthy.

[salukigirl]

I just wanted to add that this is crutial. If you allow him to decide your education it will only get worse. You are basically telling
himm that it's okay for him to push you around. You need to stand up for yourself. He is not your owner and had
absolutely no right to TELL you what to do with your life. I can almost guarantee that this will turn into resentment. I kind of wanna punch this guy.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with Saluki. Don't let this guy push you around. This is your education, your career, your life. Don't let him be the boss of it.

Why hasn't he introduced you to his parents after two years? Why doesn't he want them to know about calling your or visiting you? Two hours is not that far and is very do-able. I'm currently 2 and a half hours from my boyfriend. He fully supports my desire to get an education and encourages me to do well and praises me for my hard work. He makes a point of coming to see me on weekends when he has time.

Do not let him blame you or make you feel guilty about trying to go to school. Don't let him twist your arm about being two hours away, convincing you to do an online program. He sounds like he is trying to manipulate the situation to his favor and in away, seems to be isolating you as well.

Please take care of yourself. Don't let him try to tell you what is best for you. You're smart, you can do this, even on your own if need be!

[salukigirl]

P.S. What you described is pretty much the definition of emotional abuse.

[uoffl]

I'm okay now. I'm really really embarrassed I completely went crazy typing crazy stuff! Usually, I try to articulate my thoughts coherently so it'd make more sense. When things went haywire, I couldn't get into contact with my close friend 'cause her phone is broken, so I guess I just started typing what I kept repeating in my head. Lol, I am amazed my friend can understand me in my crazy state! I'm so blessed to have wonderful friends
Hi Salukigirl,
I feel relationships take a lot work too, I just don't want to run away from it 'cause there're few problems. I agree I do need to have a clearer perspective though. My friends kinda gave up on convincing me, and now there's nothing they can do except to be there for me when I'm blue. So it's my turn now to decide what's best for me. I can't wait until I get back to school, so I can go to their counselors. I don't have insurance too.

Hi RomanSunBurn,
The reason why he doesn't want to introduce me is because his parents are super strict. They'd like for him to be successful before he gets involved in relationships. I understand it, and he says he's gonna introduce me once he gets into med so I'm fine with it now
I'll see how it goes on his part.

[salukigirl]

Well I give up then. Obviously none of us can convince you otherwise so all there is to say is good luck. I hope eventually you see what he is doing to you but that's why the saying "Love is blind" was created. I beg you to look at this from a logical side to see that he is emotionally abusing you and controlling you. Good luck.

uoffl, if your friends in rl and the people here at PC are all telling you the same thing then i do hope you will listen. they wouldn't all be saying the same thing unless they could see something you are not able to right now.