[salukigirl]

So I'm sure you all have read my insane amount of posts about my bf being a total jerk. And I'm sure you all have read that the main reason I'm thinking about this is bc I'm moving to Arkansas in May. Well my question is, is it wrong to give an ultimatum? Like if I don't see some change by April I'm moving by myself? I feel bad doing that but I don't know how else to get through to him.

[perpetuallysad]

I think that I am going to take a chance and be really honest with you here, though please know I am basing this solely on what you have said about your relationship, so I obviously don't know everything that's going on:

That being said, I have to say that I think you have already made up your mind about going without him, but you feel some need to "make sure" you are doing the right thing. As much as it sucks, you two just don't seem to be on the same page about things and it seem to be a situation where your opposite traits are not complimentary. Perhaps if you and he were more balanced together, things would be alright, but it seems as though the traits he exhibits are things you don't like. From my own personal experience in several long term relationships you have to know that you can never change another person. And if you did tell him he's got to change to stay, he may "change" for the time being, but he's only doing it to keep you, not out of a genuine desire to be different. The only person you can ever induce to real change is yourself. Its likely if he "changes" that all he will do is revert back to his old ways once he feels comfortable again and not on notice that he's going to lose you. I'm not saying its not possible for him to genuinely change, but if he does the desire to change is going to have to originate within him and be his decision.

I hope that I didn't offend you by being so direct, if I did, I really apologize. I want you to be happy.

[salukigirl]

No you didn't offend me. I pretty much have made up my mind. Sadly, I feel like, if I give an ultimatum that I know wont happen, its an easy way out. Which is bad, I know. I probably sound like a jerk saying that. But I feel like we can't break up right now simply because we live together and he is not the type that would make it easy on me to be roommates who aren't dating. So I feel like if I say April, when April comes I know he wont be different so it will be time to go anyways. That's absolutely horrible. God, now I feel horrible for actually admitting that I know we're not right together. I just can't find a way for it to end civilly. I'm on good terms with pretty much all my exes because it has been mutual but I really don't see him doing that. I see him sending me on a huge guilt trip. Ugh.

[perpetuallysad]

Guilt trip or not, you are not obligated to stay with someone when you are not happy. You have a lot of really great things happening in your life and you deserve to be able to enjoy them and enjoy your life. I can understand why you are thinking of the ultimatum and while it may be passive agressive, it may be the only way you feel comfortable doing things. But keep in mind what you will do if he makes some cosmetic changes. I don't know if it would work, but maybe you can say that you want him to stay until April, but then you are moving to Arkansas by yourself. Tell him that while you love him, you know this is something you need to do for yourself alone. Then don't listen to guilt trips, because that's just a crappy form of manipulation. Can you afford to pay your bills if he moves out? If so, I wouldn't drag this out until April.

[NuckingFutz]

I would make your exit as soon as possible. This guy has dragged you through the mud. He could do a lot more damage between now and then. Keep posting. Hugs to you.

just break up with him. keep it simple. you sound pretty unhappy with him.

[salukigirl]

Well I told him it would be much easier to deal with if he ever did things to show me he cared. I was like its a simple as leaving a greeting card or a little note saying I love you for me to see later. I do that stuff for him all the time. He has a little notebook to record his workouts and I put little notes in there for him to find all the time. Or if I came home to dinner already made with some candles, or drawing me a bath or anything. I have told him those things several times but he never does them. And when I tell him I'm pretty much done with him I don't really see any emotion. He did actually cry last night for the first time in front of me.

But then today someone pulled out in front of him and he sped up real fast on the guy's rear end which is just aggressive and unnecessary. Those are the kind of things I'm talking about. Just overall aggressive behavior. I would like to see him fight for me and make me feel like he cares if I leave but he is so closed off it feels like it wouldn't matter. It would be much easier to deal with him overreacting if he did things like what I mentioned to make me feel special.

[perpetuallysad]

Oh honey, I hate it, but its just not there for you like it should be. If he doesn't show any feeling until he's shown the door, there is definitely something missing. I sense your reluctance to let him go, but I also sense that you won't be happy with him if he stays. I know this is hard; you'll do the right thing.

[salukigirl]

Thanks. I have gone over this with my T before that I take on others' responsibilities so I will stay with someone simply so that I don't have to hurt them. And I feel like I'm being cold hearted if I say "you just aren't enough for me" but that's the truth. I just have to stand up for myself. I know a fight will just happen again in a week so....

[salukigirl]

Byz posted an article from the Mayo clinic about learning to be more assertive instead of aggressive and I sent it to him in an email and he read it. And yesterday he bought me flowers and apologized again and took me out to sushi. I gave him this book called The Road Less Traveled that talks about personality disorders and how to overcome them and learning to have more empathy etc... and asked him to read it.

He is going out of town on Thursday and wont be back until Sunday night which will give me some time to myself to really weigh the pros and cons of our relationship. I seriously need to make a table with each thing written down or else I wont be able to keep all my thoughts together.

[perpetuallysad]

Good luck. And think, even if you don't stay together, maybe with him being willing to try, you can part of better terms.

[dyzan]

SG,
You didn't say here what's taking you to Arkansas,( there is a college there with a really cool logo, Razorback, looks nice on a hat. )
LOL.
That you pointed out your bfs' aggressive driving, your need for small showings of affection, the opposites attract saying probably won't fit very well. Square peg in a round hole takes alot of re-shaping.

I am not sure how old you are, but it sounds as if you have your whole life ahead of you.
You want for the small gestures of love and kindness, ( if a person brought you a wildflower picked from a field, that would probably generate an awww from you. )

In the meantime, maybe keep life simple for the moment, and concentrate on You!
You are really the only one that will know when You are Happy.

Good Luck, in whatever your decision is.
dyzan.
~waves~

[salukigirl]

I actually am going to University of Arkansas so I will be a Razorback lol

I told him earlier that I don't think we are stable enough to move there together right now. We went for a prelim counseling session and they were supposed to place us with a couples counselor but have never called either of us back.

When I told him my concerns about moving there together he said that it makes sense and he understands. He just keeps saying how horrible he feels for letting it get to this point. We talked about personality disorders and he recognizes his inability to show emotion. I think he understands the causes behind it and sees how he is turning into his father which is good. The simple fact that he sees something is wrong is what keeps me around I guess.

I know that he cares about me and I can see that it really hurts him when he hurts me. I just know that its not the easiest thing in the world to find someone that you know for a fact loves you and cares about you. So that is what makes me want to work it out. I know that we have fun together and have pretty much all of the same interests. Its the simple act of communication that gets in our way. I'm very assertive and say exactly what I mean whereas he is more passive aggressive. What bothers me is that i can see right through it. I know what he is thinking without him saying it so it makes me angry when I know what he wants to say but he wont just say it.

I asked him to call the counseling center again and figure out why we haven't been placed. And he really is willing to do anything to make it work. He was not reluctant at all when I mentioned counseling and, in fact, took the initiative to make the appt.

And another thing is that I remember going through what he is going through right now. And he stuck by me through all of my stuff. I remember going off on temper tantrums and not even realizing what I was doing. And he stuck around for months until I got my act together. So on one hand I don't want to deal with it anymore. But on the other, he has always been there for me and I know in my heart that he cares about me more than anything. I'm such a doofus sometimes

[uoffl]

Do you think you're staying with him because you feel obligated to stay? Because he stuck by you when you were going through your own issues? So you're thinking "Well he gave me the chance to work through my problems back then so I've gotta give him the chance to work through his too"?

[salukigirl]

uoffl - yeah I guess. that's part of it. not the only reason but yes I do feel like its not right for him to stick by me and then me dip out when stuff doesn't go right for a couple months.

Plus I feel like, I know all relationships are hard work. And I feel like, given the chance, I always give up on them without actually seeing them through. And if I'm ever going to have a successful relationship, I need to stick by and fulfill my commitment that I have made. Because if I leave him, go see another guy and eventually get married, these kinds of problems are going to come up again just in a different form. I just kind of feel like if I let a couple months of aggravation drive me away then how am I ever going to deal with relationship problems?

[perpetuallysad]

Its good that you are really thinking about things. You will be glad you spent the time doing it later, whether you stay or go. I would suggest seriously trying to spend some time figuring out what you want from a relationship. Don't think about him when you do it, think only about you and what you desire. Write out a good list, be fair to yourself and be really honest about things. It took me a really long time to realize why all my relationships failed. I was picking people who "had potential" for being what I wanted, but didn't really fill what I really wanted. I was accepting things that were on my "definitely don't want" list because I thought, well, if they accept my flaws I should accept theirs. The thing is, maybe my flaws weren't on their "don't want" list. So they were things they could deal with. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you look at it), the things that I saw as flaws in them were things I couldn't accept. It wasn't wrong for me to admit this to myself. In fact, once I came to accept what I wanted and didn't want, it was A LOT easier for me to see what I was doing and I actually found a person that fit into most of my "must haves" and who didn't have any of the "definitely don't wants". I love my husband dearly. The flaws I have are things he can deal with, things he willing to work on and he knows are just a part of me that I cannot change just because he doesn't like them. The flaws he has are things I can live with. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, sometimes things he does really drive me up the wall, but he's yet to cross over the line into things I cannot deal with. I know this was a long *** response, but I really think you owe it to yourself to find what you want. You aren't being mean or unreasonable. In fact, I think it is far kinder to you and him that you do decide what you can and cannot live with. Otherwise you will resent things that you feel you have to work too hard on or you have to overlook that you really hate and don't want in a partner. There's a huge difference in just saying "well, that's just so-and-so, but I love him" and "this particular habit or trait is something that I hate". When you find someone who can love you and who doesn't have a problem with your flaws, and who you can love and you don't have a problem with their flaws, it really is easier to work on things. Yes, a relationship is hard work, but it shouldn't involve you putting aside your wants and needs because you felt the other person looked past some of your flaws.

Does that make any sense whatsoever?

sg, i also think it would be helpful for you to get your focus off of him and onto what you want and don't want. sometimes it is good to just write down what is essential in a relationship for you and what you'd really like as well. some of those things will be negotiable and some will be non-negotiables. you can't change or fix him and it really isn't your job. your focus seems to be very much on him and what he's doing or not doing that you don't like. i don't think this is healthy for either or you. you have to decide if he is someone you can be with as he is.

[salukigirl]

I guess the things I absolutely cannot deal with are things like lying, cheating, hitting me, and having a drug or alcohol problem (and honestly I don't think I could ever date a republican either - no joke). I also really need someone who is okay with me having my own life with my own friends - doesn't get mad when I go out with the girls. Things I absolutely have to have are a love of the outdoors and being active, the ability to make me laugh, knows what he wants (whether it be with work, school etc...).

As far as things I absolutely cannot deal with - I'm only 22. And even though I have dated a lot, most of them have been a year or longer or just a couple dates. So either I'm with a guy for 2 years or 2 days. So I'm not sure I have run into enough to give me more than just a few things I can't stand. My bf when I was 16-18 lied to me about chewing and then told me he shouldn't have to buy birth control bc I wasn't giving it up enough. My next bf was abusive and an alcoholic and cheated on me. My next bf was too flirty for me and I felt really uncomfortable with it. Now I'm a lot better with that and don't get nearly as jealous so being flirty isn't an absolutely not anymore. My next bf was extremely controlling. I would get crap every time I wanted to go out without him and he would accuse me of cheating. He griped at me to quit my jobs so I could focus on school so I did, then he would get mad that I was "spending all his money".

So I guess that's my list. The biggest of those probably being allowing me to be my own person. Then again, they change in importance depending on what I have most recently gone through. Dave has never lied to me or cheated on me so those things, while they used to be #1 and #2, now they are barely mentionable. While my last boyfriend was extremely controlling so that has moved up in importance.

And what I really like is confidence. Being able to go to the bar and dance goofy with me to a bluegrass band. Or doing karaoke with me or playing video games and laughing every time I die. I like really laid back personalities bc I normally am a pretty laid back person.

[dyzan]

SG,
Perhaps the distance and each of your own commitments, ( continuing to seek and recieve counseling ), may give a bond that will endure the distance.
And on a cheerier note. Sounds like you both have a Friend for support and understanding.

dyzan.
~waves~

[salukigirl]

So he went on this trip to Arkansas and I now realize all the stuff he does for me. My friend came over last night and apparently I'm a doofus who can't work a PS3 but he just kinda does it....I still have no idea what he does but I ended up walking around just thinking "man, I wish Dave were here". The dishes are piling up and I took that nasty trash out. And I thought....wow, he really does a lot that I never even notice.

So then I started to feel bad that maybe I just don't act appreciative enough and he is feeling a little ignored. And when I came home I opened up my laptop and he had opened up word and left a little note for me to find when I got home.

So now I really miss him. I feel like maybe we just needed some time apart to really miss each other y'know? He will be gone another 3 days and I feel kind of lost. It feels weird to sit here and look up and not see him. So I was on the fence and now that he is gone I feel like I really do take him for granted sometimes and that might have something to do with him lashing out lately.

Now I feel like a total jerk

[perpetuallysad]

Aww, you're not a jerk at all!

I think its good to have a break and maybe you found exactly what you needed in this break; that you do want to be with him. That's a great thing!

(((salukigirl)))

[RomanSunburn]

Aw, Saluki, you're not a jerk! You're just human! It happens to the best of us. It's good you had this mini-break to kind of get a new perspective on your relationship.

From my point of view, it seems like you need to feel independent yourself and the two of you need to work on communication. Has the couples therapy started?

Keep us posted, and don't be too hard on yourself!

,
Ro

[salukigirl]

Not yet Neither of us have insurance except through the school and it takes forever to get counseling here. We have both called and they always say that they are waiting to find a counselor to place us with and that was months ago.....

Hopefully since he is graduating and getting a job soon he will get insurance and maybe it will be easier to find one then. Who knows....

[uoffl]

Aw you're missing him. That's so sweet hehe. I agree too with everyone here, you're not a jerk! Don't think like that.
Maybe you can just keep calling to bother the school about finding a counselor. Sometimes they get sooo annoyed they'll speed up the whole process. It's good annoyance lol!

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

Now I feel like a total jerk

That's really valuable stuff you're discovering (and sharing with us -- thank you!) The way to become a jerk (in case you ever wanted to) would be by refusing to notice stuff like that.