The outcast

It has now been three years since my parents have spoken to me. (well, the anniversary is sometime in the first week of May) I inadvertently created this situation by sending them a letter asking for more honesty in our relationships. My mother's initial response, as relayed to me by my siblings, was rage, and then there has just been silence. Apparently my mother is no longer angry since she drops my name in conversation and doesn't freeze up when someone else mentions me.
But I think she would rather go to her grave without ever speaking to me than to say, "hey, it's time to stop this."

Lately a few things have happened that have made me more aware of how painful it is to be the outcast in the family. It feels like a continuation of my former role as scapegoat/black sheep. I don't want to feel like this any more.

But, I am nowhere near done working through the terror I am left with as a result of what I survived as a child at home. That is one reason my therapist does not favour me reconnecting. It would be so easy though, for me to just send a mother's day card in a couple of weeks. My mother would take that as an apology (even though I have been reassured many times that I did nothing wrong, it seems that is still the only way out, an apology from me)

And then, even though I don't want anything from her/them, indeed know better than to expect anything, at least I would not be the outcast any more.

But maybe I need to sit with this feeling, now that I am finally able to feel it, in order to do the work around it. I don't know. For now I will put this out there and hope I feel a little less alone with it all.

((((((((((((( ripley )))))))))))))))

Sounds to me like you are working really hard to let go of the old thoughts and the emotions that go with them from your childhood. It takes lots of time to get to a point where you are no longer hurt by those old tapes.

Would it help you to remember Mother's Day in a different way? Maybe, instead of sending a card or having any contact, you can have a tree planted in her name, or make a donation to a favorite charity of yours in her name. Or for that matter, make the donations in YOUR name, to celebrate yourself In this way you will have something to feel good about on Mother's Day!

Wishing you well!

sabby

Thanks sabby. Those are some good ideas, but it is not so much about mother's day as about this feeling of separateness. Mother's day would just be a convenient moment to make a gesture without having to explain anything. If I have to concede defeat, I would rather say 'happy mother's day' than 'ok you win, I was wrong, sorry for being a f***-up'
Since there will never be any discussion of these three years (that is just how my family is) I might as well be the one to start the pretence that nothing happened.
I feel as I write this that I am digging the hole of my feelings deeper and deeper. Probably I need to do nothing except grieve

I'm sorry ripley.....

Sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on, no matter how painful and hard it is. I have pretty much done that with most of my family and it's taken a number of years to get to the point where it doesn't really bother me that much anymore. Some of them I do miss and it doesn't mean that I don't love them for who they are. I just realized that we don't have much in common and there have been some hurtful things said and done. Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Sometimes understanding isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Sometimes taking the fall for something that isn't our fault isn't enough to keep a relationship going.

Do something kind for yourself hon. Everyone deserves that now and again. Family is family and they can be the most critical and closed minded of all our relationships.

Thanks sabby,

by the time I got to the end of your post I was crying. partly because of the truth of what you wrote, but also because it seems like you understand. That means a lot, and it helps.

I would ask my therapist why I was the one who had to initiate contacts with siblings to maintain at least a semblance of a relationship. He asked me if maintaining a relationship was important to me. If it is important, the therapist said either I do the contacting or it will not get done. While I do not think the burden should always be on me, I know the therapist is right.

it is not that it is important to me to have a relationship with my parents. It is that I am struggling with the sense of being set apart and rejected in a way that is not the case for my siblings. This is not a new thing, but I have never been able to feel it so deeply, and to know that I felt this way as a child and that it hurt then too. My siblings have ongoing relationships with our parents, but they are entirely obligatory and dysfunctional. My parents could not even get over themselves long enough to visit my nephew when he was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago with a badly broken arm that required surgery. So there is in fact no point to a relationship with them.
But I am trying to overcome the sense of separateness that I carry into all realms of my life. The sense of differentness, of there being something wrong with me. How can there not be if my own parents can disown me so readily? It is not about relating to them though. It is about being able to see myself as just like other people, and to feel worthy of their friendship and caring. My inner self has been terribly alone for almost 50 years. It hurts.

Ripley - I know what you mean. I have been his scapegoat most of my life. Then in my 20s, he re-married. Now his stepkids are his life. He does for them what he would never do for me. I haven't spoken to him for many months after our last big blow-up. It's difficult being cut off from my only remaining family, but I can't take his attitude any more. I know it's the right thing for me, but it's still painful. I feel guilty because he's old and has cancer. I know the stepkids and step mom think I'm a horrible person, but they don't know anything about my childhood except what Dad's told them. His perspective and mine are sooooo different. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this...