Humans need human interaction?

This is what im "battling" with my t about recently. I agree people need at least one other person in their lives they feel connected to. However she insists people need a couple people. I am a very private/shy/social phobic type of person. I have my gf and i have online. I also have my family but i think ive visited them only once this year so far. I dont want to have to deal with any more people who have demands of my time/dragging me into social experiences im not intrested in/getting me in trouble by introducing me to do things i dont want(drugs/crime). She insists online isnt nearly as good as 3d and i argue that and say its better cause if i get irritated i can push a button and it goes away. She says thats exactly why its not as good lol. Apparently its really important for me to be irritated.

Anyway after all that my question is: Do you think its possible for some people to be content with one person they feel connected to and still be considered mentally healthy or do you think humans need several humans they feel connected to to be happy?

I don't know what is considered healthy, but I'm certain that if you can get along with one person, then you are capable of getting along with others, too.

Have you been drawn to people who encouraged you to take part in illegal activities? Perhaps you can ask the T as to how one would avoid such people.

Is the relationship with the one person healthy? If not, then there's a problem.

I think what's most important is whether or not someone can have a healthy relationship with another person, and it doesn't really matter how many one is social with.

This should be a discussion between you and your T, not a battle. Let's see what she says about this after she had time to think over your views on the matter. I think it will take more time to come to some understanding.

You are very fortunate to have a gf whom you get along with, Shaymus. I wouldn't want the stress of HAVING to socialize with more people to cause any problems with what already exists between you two. No need to rush into anything. Just give what the T said a chance. Think it over. I'm glad you posted about it here.

-Ray

I must be having problems if I will be required to have someone to be connected with. I have spent 30 years with my husband & it is all coming to an end finally. To be quite honest, I am looking forward to living by myself with my 13 dogs & 4 horses. Some peace & quiet is something I have been longing for a long time now.

I have several friends, but not that close. No family except my daughter....daddys girl....but we are so much closer than ever before now....but still a distance.

I just don't see what is wrong in being alone....it sure beats what I have been living with. To be quite honest, I never knew what love really was until I had the unconditional love from my dogs & horses....it is a wonderful feeling.

Debbie

Shay, I don't think any "one" person can meet all your human needs. You are part of a whole. Donne says it best this way:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind...

Hubby is a loner, too. He spends much time alone reading or listening to music. Doesn't have many friends. However, he's expressed to me his envy, if you will, of me and those that I call friends. He's basically unhappy. Just tonight we spent hours talking about it. What it all boils down to is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not meeting expectations, fear of someone telling him he's wrong or trying to change him... and the list goes on and on.

Give this some thought and see if you don't start to agree with your T.



PS Yes, interaction by this medium can be very helpful, too! Don't tell your T I said! LOL

In my opinion we do need other people. One just isn’t enough. I don’t think it’s enough for the one and it’s too much responsibility to the other. Of course we don’t have to, our bodies won’t physically die, but I think it makes life better.

I also agree with your T that online isn’t the same. Other people may challenge you, even irritate you, but in the end having them is both healthy and rewarding.

I do find it strange that you think friends would automatically be irritating or lead you to drugs and crime. I’m also a very shy, introverted person and am generally terrified in new social situations, but this is a leap of logic I don’t make.

As an Artist I need a great deal of time to myself. I can isolate myself and become a hermit of sorts. yet i do need human interaction. As others have said it might be to much pressure on your Girlfriend to be your only connection. i think we all have a fear of being judged to some degree. at this point in my life I feel you can judge me all you want. what the heck we all have our weirdnesses our quirks and that is what makes us Human. How dull the World would be if we all were the same.

ozzie- I agree that it *can* put too much pressure on the other person. I dont think i put too much pressure on my gf to be everything tho. I really do enjoy being a loner. She works quite a bit so she has outside relationships. Once in a blue moon i allow myself to be dragged along to one of her friends places or something of the sort. I go online quite a bit and get human interaction without the unease of 3d. I feel that is enough for at least a small % of people(namely me).

friedgreymatter- I know i can get along with most people. Im not so worried of that but more that they will pretend to be friendly of me and then down the road i will hear about them talking about what a (insert judgement here) i am. For some reason if someone i get along with 95% of the time gives me a negative feedback 5% of the time i feel betrayed. I much rather they just be mean to me 100% so i dont feel like they are on "my side" and then out of the blue i get blind sided. [2] Lol yes i cant think of any friend ive EVER had that didnt partake in criminal activity(even as a very young kid, my friend and i would steal from each other). Ive had aquantences who didnt but i was never friends with them. [3] Yes i think the relationship with my gf is healthy now. [4] I agree 100% and that is my main argument against what my t is trying to push. It doesnt matter how many as long as there is one.

eskielover- I think friends would count even if they arnt that close. My t said her youngest daughter is friends with everyone but the relationships arnt very deep but for her that works and its fine. I dont see what is wrong with enjoying privacy and being alone either.

SeptemberMorn- I agree expecting one person to meet all my needs sounds like a road that only goes to frustration. I think one of my outlets tho is the internet and "meeting" way more people than i could ever possibly meet in 3d without as many risks to me personally. I can definately relate to hubby's fears. Its kind of rejection for me too but more so that they would see exactly what i do when i look in the mirror and pretend to be polite and be my friend when id rather they just say flat out so i know where to categorize them. Im telling my T you said that!! The part about internet being an ok medium that is.

JohnShaft- You sound like you have been reading my T's thoughts verbatim. It very well could be a leap of logic and strange but if history says friends=trouble and im too wussy to say no to crazy ideas friends have, maybe im better off being able to only have 1 good relationship. After all what if a friend and i get in trouble and then it starts causing trouble in the one i have now and then i end up alone somewhere? Thats worse.

Artist- That is an awesome outlook on life. Your right life would be boring if everyone was perfect. I dont know how you get to that point tho? I mean i dont want to worry what other people think and i try telling myself when around humans that it doesnt matter what they think of me and it just is nuts. I still worry to the extreme.

Thanks for all the replies. If my responses dont seem like they are open minded, just know i am processing them still and in a debate in my head with them It always takes me a couple days to figure out things.

From the NARA Public Information Room
The Caring Touch
by Carolynne Stevens

Human Touch

Now, we come to the part of the human need for tactile connection that is, to make a pun, really "touchy" in today's society. Here's the dilemma. Human beings need human touch for their emotional and mental development and well-being — sometimes even for their will to live.

Human beings need to have all five senses stimulated all the time. Touch is one of the five ways the brain receives stimulating information to enable it to develop, maintain and repair itself. Touch has the first, most direct and powerful effect on the brain's programming and re-programming activity. Accordingly, touch, including its inherent kinesthetic (movement) stimulation, is particularly important in working with young children and with adults with brain impairments.

---------------

The Gift of Touch

These children in many cases are developmentally delayed due to lack of touch and intellectual stimulus. In addition, we taught massage to doctors and nurses at the hospital, worked with abandoned babies and went on home visits to families in the community.

The definition of touch is the sense by which objects or stimuli are perceived through physical contact. As humans, we greet each other by shaking hands or embrace with a hug. We comfort each other with an arm around a shoulder or by wiping away a tear. ... orphans desperately need this gift of touch. It is hard to understand why something so simple as touch offers so much hope and yet the lack of it has clearly impacted these children.

Another thing I worry about with being only connected to one person is if, god forbid, things end between you and your girlfriend. Then where are you left? I've seen this happen to people and had it happen to me in a lesser degree. It's terribly lonely to have no one real, and it's extremely difficult to try and start new relationships from scratch (at least for me). I don't want to sound negative, but it's something to consider.

I've avoided answering this thread because..... it's my argument too... here I am, trying to fit in and be "human" having this physical experience... yet at the same time being expected to perform this without another... without others.... yes, to be human means to need and appreciate human contact/interaction, yet.... I have to without, and have to do it "well?? How is this possible?

I wear hand/wrist splints... sometimes I don't wear them just so another will shake my hand! Please!... human contact, something! (Other than my physical terrorist er therapist... or now, my T who helps me up from being seated (I'm sure this is why he does this, because he knows I have no physical touch from humans) ok ok sorry, didn't mean to make this about me... which is why I waited... sorry ff_topic:

Shaymus-- how ironic!! I didn't see this thread until just now, I was at my T. session this morning and I was talking to him about the VERY same thing!!!

He doesn't care for me to rely on the internet for my socialization. I also don't have any 3-d friends. My husband is the only one I socialize with and of course my two boys- but now that they are teens, they are around less and I don't even see their friends parents like I did when the kids were younger.

It's a small world for me, I suppose-- but I feel similar to you-- I don't want to hang around someone and feel like they are just tolerating me and that 5% bad reaction from anyone- always makes me run!! . It's less stressful only having one person in which to communicate with in person! But like some have said-- -- what if something happened and we wouldn't be together for some reason---- I would be totally alone!! That does scare me a bit!!

My T. keeps asking me what the attraction is for me on forums. So, here's the thing--- I told him today that I'm using it to better my social skills in that I am reaching out ( ever so slightly-- but I'm reaching) to others and trying to find my voice that has been silenced since childhood. I told him, I look at forums as a kind of " walker"- that helps me get around socially. It's kind of like a stepping stone to a better me. I told him -- with this "practice" I'm hoping to be able to someday apply what I've accomplished here-- into my 3-d life.

OK- so that's what I told him-- and he said " Well alright, I can buy that "-- with a bit of apprehension in his voice--- Is he thinking I'm making excuses not to socialize in person?? Perhaps he doesn't believe this is even a process that's workable?? I don't know myself-- but I thought it sounded like a good theory anyway!

Sounds like your T. is concerned that your old habits will not be replaced by newer healthy ones. Maybe if you asked yourself-- " What do I need to work on regarding socializing? " and then try out the exercise on a forum. Like for me--- if I don't get an answer from the original thread starter but the person that posted right after gets answered--- I automatically think- that the thread originator " hates" me--- well, I'm challenging that lately -- by telling myself--- 1) maybe that person just didn't know what to say back to me -- or 2) they accidentally skipped my post -- or 3) they felt totally heard and didn't think anything needed to be said.--- it is very hard to think differently!!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, maybe it would help if you did look at forums like this one, as a tool to help you grow-- then that way- your T. might buy it like mine did!

I don't know if it can help me in the way I'd like, but I figured-- it's worth a try-- what do I have to lose??

Good luck with your T. and the subject of forums!

Mandy

Hehe Sept- I admit im strange but the only person i want to come in contact with me is my gf. Even my own family i cringe and openly complain when they think they need a hug. With gf everything is different. I feel like shes sees all the negatives and still comes back for more so there is not as much fear.

John- My t said the same but i seriously dont believe anything would make life "ok" if anything happened to this relationship. My eggs might all be in one basket but the basket is very soft and cushiony and the eggs feel safe there and everyone else has concrete baskets with sharp edges.

Sky- Im just the opposite. I dont like people touching me for any reason. It even makes me annoyed when people insist. Like for instance at my gfs family reunion her aunt asked if it was ok if she gave me a hug. That bugged me cause since she asked i couldnt be upset that she just did it lol.

2b1better- I agree, the thought of being alone is scary. I dunno what id do but somehow i think my t underestimates my relationship with gf if she thinks having a good friend would make everything tolerable. Here is where we differ a little bit. I dont think i want a friendship as it just creates all sorts of responsibilities and stresses. Plus if something is working for me, why add a possible negative to the equation when i am ok now? Having a friend could take time away from gf time and create trouble or i could get in trouble with friends doing stupid things. Its not the kind of headache i want to invite into my life. Ill wait for life to invite those headaches on its own

It is wonderful you have such a good relationship with your girl. Ask yourself this, What if your girl friend was killed in a car crash? I really don't want to be morbid here and sorry if that thought upsets you. What would you do then who would you turn to? Who would be there for you? If she were suddenly out of your life. Things happen, Thats just part of the deal. good things happen as well as the bad. Work on opening up. you might be surprised to find out that most people are afraid for one reason are another. Having someone to lean on and outside your primary relationship could only enhance your relationship with your Girlfriend. besides why would your T steer you wrong? he is only trying to help you.

Heh i have to do all the driving so if she did die in a car crash then so would i probably I get your point tho. The problem there tho is if something horrible did happen id really need alone time and isolation more than i do now. Having friends telling me cliches wouldnt help any for me. "I'm sorry for your loss" would just make me angry/resentful i think. I think someone was saying how extroverts gain from being around people and introverts are better with being alone. Well im on the extreme side of introverted.

Im glad i started this thread. Its given me lots to think about and given me some insight on why i feel the way i do and ill be better able to discuss this with my t next appointment. Thanks everyone.

My brother is my best friend. We do not live with our mother, and our father is hardly an appropriate attatchment figure. I do not have friends i socialise with besides him, which often results in me being left out. He is growing up, and wants to do his own things without me. Since i have no-one else to look to besides connections online, it is causing a lot of upset.
Therefore i think Humans DO need multiple attatchments in order to me mentally healthy. But how many, and in what form i think depends entirely upon the individual.
If you're happy, i don't think anyone can argue with that.
If you ask yourself truthfully, and find out you're not, then new attatchments might be just what you need.

Shaymus, I think I can relate to your not wanting to relate... but I work in the service industry, and apparently that's a really good way to start disliking other people. Especially tourists in large groups.

I think there's a big difference, tho, between not being around other people because you just don't want to be around them, and avoiding people because you are afraid to be around them even though you want the interaction. We live in a society where we as individuals actually don't have to have large close-knit communities. Most people don't live w/extended families anymore (thank the Gods! I couldn't live w/my in-laws for 5 minutes), children aren't often forced into caring for elderly or ailing parents... We have different grocery clerks every time we go to the grocery store - and not just because we go to three or four different ones depending on what side of the street we're on. I work with 90 people, only 15 of whom I see on a daily basis. It's not like it was even 20 years or so ago when every business acquaintance - your banker, your grocer, your insurance agent, etc. knew you by sight.

I used to be very sociable when I was a teenager, but as married life & work have taken over my social life, I've become more reclusive. I've gotten to the point where I don't like people touching me unless they're a doctor (dentists are still on the don't-like list, as are hair dressers), or sometimes my husband. I have become quieter & more withdrawn as I mostly don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to contribute to conversations, and the conversations that float around me at work are mostly younger women talking about make-up, men & their kids (ugh). I avoid my family & my in-laws like the plague. A lot of time I feel like I just don't have the energy to keep up with anyone around me, and most of my real-life friends have kids now, which I really can't stand to be around.

But, I do have pen-pals & the internet. With pen-pals, I can take six months to write back if I need to. They complain, but they understand - and there's not much they can do if they don't understand. And w/the internet, I can pick & choose what message boards or chats to get involved with. If I feel I can contribute I will, but I'm not forced into conversations that I'm uncomfortable with, or unknowledgeable about.

I know I need to find another therapist & have another go at it, tho, because it's getting harder & harder for me to be around milling groups of humans, like at a mall or concert or even my job. I feel like I'm gonna come out of my skin & get all paranoid & creepy feeling, which isn't normal even for me.

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Perzephone said:
I think there's a big difference, tho, between not being around other people because you just don't want to be around them, and avoiding people because you are afraid to be around them even though you want the interaction.

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I agree totally with that one. I'm pretty careful these days because I have a history of attracting people who give me a hard time. So, it's either get some assertiveness, or spend more time on my own (or both).

One of the things I like in life is wandering in the town, or sitting quietly in a cafe. I very often see, or overhear, people being nasty to each other. This is all good material for my poems and stories.

But the overwhelming pleasure I feel is that they are not doing it to me! I'm finally at the stage where these things are not triggers for me, but just observations. My own choice of friendships has improved as well in the last few years. At the first hint of temper or manipulation, I cool off quickly. I'm looking for maturity, generosity and sensitivity in the people I spend time with.

I like it when I sit next to a cafe table where people are *****ing each other, and then I can pay my bill and stroll out into the sunshine. To know for sure that there is no invisible string connecting me to them. They are so caught up in trying to hurt each other that they don't even notice me leave. It's a joy - pure joy.

Cheers, M

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Perzephone said:
I think there's a big difference, tho, between not being around other people because you just don't want to be around them, and avoiding people because you are afraid to be around them even though you want the interaction.

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I think this is the thing i need to figure out. I dont want to be around people but on the other hand i live in this world and there are times i actually have to go outside(heh). So while i can choose to not have friends i cant choose to never go out and still claim its healthy. Thats the happy medium i want to find. Being able to stay in without feeling guilty yet being able to go out when need be with no fear. Sometimes i wonder if this is possible.