Lying to hubby.

I lie to my husband, I say to him what I feel he wants him to hear.

Example.

He goes away I tell him I miss him so much that I need to talk to him on the phone often. When in fact I am fine and really don't need to, however I feel he needs to feel needed and would be hurt if I told him the truth.

Or he will be upset about something and rather than face him being upset with me I will say what I feel he wants to hear.

I have now gotten into the habit of it and its really really causing damage to our relationship.

Any help would be great.

why do you feel responsible for his emotions? why do you feel like you can't be honest with him?

I cant cope with the fall out ie arguments if he gets upset or hurt by anything. I understand the issue is me not him I just find it hard to be honest in case he reacts.

I think I also say to him what I would want to hear. I dont know why.

How is it causing damage to the relationship?

Because he knows and is never sure when I am telling the truth or not, he is sick of it and wants the truth.

I am an extreamly honest person with everything else I just want to know why I do it and how to stop it.

Honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It sounds like you have substituted trying to achieve healthy for convenience and ease.

You say that you "can't" cope... If you truly "can't" cope with the fallouts, then you can't currently stop lying. If you are intent on stopping your lying with him then you must either learn to cope or he must learn to not be bothered by your honesty.

I will have to do the latter ie learn to cope with the fall out as its not fair on him to ask him to change his ways because of my problem.

I really dont know how I am going to do this though....

Well, perhaps this: If I were to have a conversation with my wife regarding such a topic I think I would start by telling her that sometimes I find myself not being completely truthful with her because I am fearful that I will hurt her feelings and that I love her so much that I don't want to hurt her feelings. However, I find that not being completely honest is starting to affect me and I want to change but to do so, I will need her help and understanding. That for instance, when she goes away for trips, that I don't always feel like I'm missing her because her love is with me - perhaps because I feel so safe in the relationship that I never really feel alone - even when she is not here...but I realize that she processes the feeling of 'missing me' differently and hence has different needs. etc etc etc

I don't want to put words in your mouth of course, but if it fits...

It does fit.

Have you got words for this ? lol

When he is upset about something I feel its my fault even if its not I feel I have failed and blame myself so will say anything to make him feel better. He has DID/MPD so its he is depressed or not himself a fair bit and I find the different moods difficult to handle as like I said I blame myself.

He is very understanding so talking to him isnt a real problem unless he is depressed or tired.

I think he should learn not to start an argument every time you say something he doesn't like. If he starts acting not nice, it's his problem too. From my experience, most times both people are equally guilty if something is not working, and both have to change a little bit.

I read him wrong and say what I feel he wants to hear, I am not very good at it and keep changing my story so he sort of gets a bit angry with me for not being honest and to be truthful I can see where he is coming from.

Yes he is not totally innocent but the blame is more mine than his .

I would try to shift to not offering lies but maybe responding with half truths if he asked. When he was going away, I wouldn't say anything; if he's insecure/wants to be needed that's his responsibility and he has to ask if he needs to know, "Will you miss me?" before you comment. I would tend to answer something along the lines, "I enjoy being with you, you know that! Why else would I be married to you?" It seems to respond to what I perceive as his need in asking but doesn't directly answer the immediate question of will I miss him in this instance.

Well this is an inside job - not external. This might require some self-coaching. Although... how is he about being fair minded when he is upset? I ask because with some people you might be able to decompress the situation AND save yourself the guilt just by asking him during one of those episodes, "I'm feeling sad and guilty because your upset. Do you believe that I have fault in this or can I just feel sad that you're not happy?"

Some people are irrational when they are upset, though some people will snap back to reality with such a comment. You are honestly sharing your feelings with him, sharing that you are feeling empathy for him, letting him know that his unhappiness is a source of sadness for you, and that you are willing to take responsibility for any action that you might have taken to contribute. Many men have a protective instinct toward their wives and confronted with the idea that his outburst is having negative effects on her (I know it should be obvious but actually saying the words can make a profoound difference), many pull back and get a grip, or at least assure her that it is not her fault.

If he is too far gone emotionally, it probably won't work immediately, but you might find him coming around later and apologizing in cases where he never would before.

He has a very high IQ and would see right through that one lol. Trust me I have tried to fool him before and it does not work.

He seems very hard towards me ie if I am upset and crying he will not give two hoots about that. And carry on as normal so I dont think he has a protective feeling towards me. I dont know if its the DID/MPD or not. Also once he gets upset it normally stays for a while as its not really him I believe its one of his alts.

He will always come back and say sorry because he is mentally ill he blames himself for everything after the fact. This is one of the things I try to avoid so I really do not like arguments as he blames himself everytime and I feel this really really hard to cope with.

I so want this marriage to work I love him so much.

Look, dealing with a mental illness can be challenging whether it's yours or someone you love. It's not about never having a bad day but it's about getting through the bad days and enjoying the good ones. When the inevitable bad day is over, start enjoying life immediately.

You might have to take charge of that change. I was with someone with DID once and I found that humor would often work. Something like:

"Ahem. This is not about blame. This is about love and getting through it together. Things got sh*tty, we got through it. That's to be celebrated not suffered over. So no wasting today feeling guilty - if you want to waste the day you can give me a foot massage till you feel better. "

I guess I would try to keep my own responses both shorter and simpler so I wouldn't have to lie, there'd be no elaborate story that could get changed, and there'd be less to react negatively to?

I would also respond either positively or neutrally to what he had to say so it wouldn't irritate. "I'm sorry you feel that way" can be true and might forestall arguments. Just a simple "Yes" without elaboration is fine too; you will feel it means X and it may/may not mean that to the other person; neither party has any way to argue with the other when they're agreeing. If a positive is questioned and I don't feel strong/like discussion, I'd stonewall with "Are you going to tell me how I feel?" It can be a little like a stranger asking a personal question that's none of their business; other people, even intimates, cannot legitimately question us when we make a statement about how we feel. And if you call me a "liar" when I tell you how I feel, you will have an argument on your hands that you can't win :-)

I'm curious as to HOW it affects your relationship? Does he blatantly see that you are lying? Or do you just have a guilty conscience?

I hurt my bf's feelings sometimes bc I flat out say that I'm not in the mood to talk to him etc... But he is a big boy. He knows that sometimes he just doesn't feel like talking to me. Is your husband really that needy? You don't necessarily have to lie or, like perna said, elaborate. If my bf is hinting that he wants to hear a specific thing, and he keeps saying little hints over and over I just sit there and listen. So I'm not flat out lying but at the same time I'm not saying "God, you're annoying" lol

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

Assertive vs. passive behavior
If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or easygoing. You routinely say things such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You avoid all conflict. Why's that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as other people's. In essence, you're giving others the license to disregard your wants and needs. Consider this example: You agree when a colleague asks you to take over a project even though your plate is full and the extra works means you'll have to put in overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game.

You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family always come second. This internal conflict may lead to:

Stress
Resentment
Seething anger
Feelings of victimization
Desire to exact revenge

Spot on ....

Thank you for the link !