[kyisme]

my fiance has a problem with having phone sex to the point that he pretends to be me (a woman) on some websites just to get other women. he will text them as if he is me until he can convince them that i want them to be with my husband then he takes it as far as phone sex and web cam sex with them. if he is not doing that then he will be himself and have multiple women that he has phone affairs with, actual long distance phone relationships, for company, conversations and phone sex. when i find out he lies beyond lying, i have phone records showing all the chatlines and hours upon hours of talking to these women, as well as talking to them myself, he still lies with the proof in front of his face. then he actually gets mad at me and tells me i'm crazy and jealous and he cant handle it, but all i want is for it to stop. it hurts me so badly, but i love him so much and i tried to ask him to go to counseling, i will go to, but he refuses to admit that its a problem, he thinks its normal, he even says he is helping these women by bringing up there self esteem. right now he actually has a woman so in love with "me" (his version of me anyway) that she is going to buy a plane ticket to come see "me" and him ( which are actually one and the same) how do i get him to realize there is something wrong with what he is doing? please i need some advice people, we have 3 children and one on the way and i dont want to lose my family because of his sexual addictions. HELP ME

Hello, kyisme.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/wha...ual-addiction/
http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm

As these articles note, those who will not acknowledge a problem likely are going to continue. In fact, their behavior may get worse. He must be spending some money to carry on his addiction.

Does he love you? Is he the father of the children?

Perhaps you might consider therapy?

Good luck in whatever you decide.

If he won't admit he has a problem and wants to fix it - then leave.

[angelbud]

I understand how you are feeling as I have the same problems in my relationship. It has left me feeling degraded, humiliated, hurt and incredibly confused. People have been telling me for three years that he will not change....and finally now I believe them. I have also asked my partner to go to counselling and he has refused. I now put this down to the fact that deep down he knows what he is doing is wrong on so many levels, but if he went to counselling, he would have to admit the problem, confront it, and then do something about it. I know he won't do this because it's all about control, and people who have that need for control won't do anything to lose it. I have chosen not to be a part of this any more, no more humiliation or degradation for the sake of someone else. I am getting a support network together to help me through the process of leaving and I feel better already. I hope you find the support you need to help you with whatever you decide.

Good luck, angelbud.

[marjan]

RUN....RUN...RUN FAST....you are in my thoughts....and stay strong

[kyisme]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, kyisme.

As these articles note, those who will not acknowledge a problem likely are going to continue. In fact, their behavior may get worse. He must be spending some money to carry on his addiction.

Does he love you? Is he the father of the children?

Perhaps you might consider therapy?

Good luck in whatever you decide.

actually he doesn't spend any money on it now he has about 3 or 4 pages in his phone book of chatlines, he uses all the free time then moves to the next, although a few he has are free for men as well so he uses those on a regular basis. i know he loves me he has given up alot just to be with me, but love will obviously not stop this problem and i have tried to get him to go to therepy with me or alone either way he says he doesn't need it, i just don't know, still trying to figure out what the best thing to do is...

[kyisme]

wow angelbud sounds all to familiar... i just wish i knew of a way to make him realize its wrong and he needs to stop, i just found more womens phone numbers on my computer desk that he wrote down while i was out of town for a few days, and he has stopped talking to the girl in my original post and has cut me off from so much as touching his phone for any reason. but as i already knew he had been up to dirt, when i did look at his phone last night he had new pictures of his chest and arms as well as other parts of his body... they were not there last week and why on earth would you need them in your phone if your not sending them to someone? i have stopped confronting him on most things because i just cant handle him acting like its me that has done something wrong. i have gotten to the point that i dont really even want to be around him anymore, the sad part is i dont really think he cares, if he did don't you think he would say something or show some type of emotion? i no longer hold him at night and don't even have much to say to him when were home together, but he seems ok with that... i just dont know maybe its time to leave....

kyisme, best wishes in whatever you decide.

[NuckingFutz]

I think you should do what is in the best interest for you and your children. Now, take a deep breath here...just focus on you and the kids. Not him or his addiction. Just you and your kids. When you sing them to sleep at night, you can then start to plan your future. Those are the first steps in the right direction.

[bridgie]

Originally Posted by kyisme

wow angelbud sounds all to familiar... i just wish i knew of a way to make him realize its wrong and he needs to stop, i just found more womens phone numbers on my computer desk that he wrote down while i was out of town for a few days, and he has stopped talking to the girl in my original post and has cut me off from so much as touching his phone for any reason. but as i already knew he had been up to dirt, when i did look at his phone last night he had new pictures of his chest and arms as well as other parts of his body... they were not there last week and why on earth would you need them in your phone if your not sending them to someone? i have stopped confronting him on most things because i just cant handle him acting like its me that has done something wrong. i have gotten to the point that i dont really even want to be around him anymore, the sad part is i dont really think he cares, if he did don't you think he would say something or show some type of emotion? i no longer hold him at night and don't even have much to say to him when were home together, but he seems ok with that... i just dont know maybe its time to leave....

this doesnt sound like a healthy realationship at all. if you cant talk to him about the things that need to be talked about and if he is hiding things then it seems he is not invested in your relationship. Personally i would have to leave if i were in that situation i wouldnt want to get married for sure unless there were changes so at least hold off on the marriage part until you know for sure things are going to be different you dont deserve to be treated with disregard and without respect. i hope you figure out what you want to do soon. good luck

[angelbud]

I read what you have to say, and I see myself. One of the problems with this is, all the things they see as such a turn-on, are for us the biggest turn-offs. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing sexy about watching a man flapping his southerly bits around in the belief your going to drop to your knees because of your inability to resist what's before you. I used to laugh at these antics, but now they just make me feel sick. The only things these men want, is everything they can get and they don't care that they trample all over our self-esteem and self-worth to get it. As women, we deserve to be treated far better than this, as human beings we have the right to say enough is enough. So, I have to ask myself, What is it about women in our position, what is it that we need, that we can't just say STOP?. This is only my opinion but I think it is part of the answer, and it happens over a period of time so we don't even realize what's being done. An insidious and slow moving manipulation and brainwashing until one day the person we used to be and the beliefs we used to have about what's right and wrong for us, becomes confused with their conviction that if we disagree, we're the one's with the problems.

We're not.
They are.

Hold that thought. What you think and how you feel is what's important.

Take care,

Loneliness is epidemic. I think it is a factor here as well.

[Skully]

You can't change him even after you are married to him. Run now before you have a messy divorce ahead of you! It is only a matter of time before he starts having real sex with other women.

[NuckingFutz]

How are you doing?

[justjoanie]

This isn't healthy for you or your kids. I'm voting for you to leave. But give him the chance to get help. Maybe when you and the kids are gone, he will realize that he has a problem. If he won't get help within a month of you leaving, then go your own way, and don't look back.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know from experience how bad it can hurt. Phone affairs and physical affairs hurt just the same. And soon one is going to lead to the other.
You may consider talking to someone yourself. Sometimes when you talk it out with someone not related to the situation, it makes it a little easier to wrap your head around.

[kyisme]

thank you all for your advice! i decided to just distance myself from him so that i am not torturing myself to beg for his love and the hopes that he will change. i think now it has turned into more than just the addiction, we are now not even speaking to each other, i don't know when it happened, but it is to the point of no return, i think!! today i told him that if he wishes to continue to be this way towards me then i would appreciate for him to not be around me, it hurts to bad to be in the same home with the man you once thought of as your knight in shining armor, but now is only the cause of my heart breaking more and more everyday. I wish this could be easy, my love for him is so strong, i would stick by his side and fight any battle that comes our way!! But to come home everyday not knowing if he will speak to me or even look at me is to much to bare. when i look at the comp each day theres is nothing but sports and porn, but yet he can't even tell me he loves me, look at my face, or give the smallest hint that i mean anything to him, i guess this truly is the end for us....

[50guy]

If he truly loved you he would stop this activity. IF he can't do it on his own he would seek counsel. Love would conquer this addiction. He would do it for you, don't be a fool and fall for the "I can't help it" routine. There are many ways to stop this behavior.

Best wishes to you and your family....

[Perna]

I know you say you love him, but I don't get how that happens once you find out something disturbing like this? I assume he was doing it when you first met/started living together or whatever. I would be repulsed, especially if he was pretending to be me. It sounds very complicated and time consuming too; where is a "normal" relationship that allows for mature love and sharing?

I love my husband and have been married over 20 years but if his sexual interests took him to the Internet and convoluted lies to have cyber sex, not to mention phone sex??? I'd be separating real fast, especially if he was lying/defending/not agreeing to therapy, etc. I don't personally want to be around that and it's my life I'm living.

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by 50guy

If he truly loved you he would stop this activity. IF he can't do it on his own he would seek counsel. Love would conquer this addiction. He would do it for you, don't be a fool and fall for the "I can't help it" routine. There are many ways to stop this behavior.

Best wishes to you and your family....

This is not true. Love isnt enough. You have to understand this man is an addict, and like all addicts he is in denial of his behavior.

I wouldnt give up on your husband just yet. I would gather his friends, parents, pastor, etc and discuss with them what is going on. I would hold an intervention. I am being serious.

Get together the people in his life he cares about and confront him in a serious way. Let him know if he doesnt get help that you will separate (if possible) until he gets the help he needs.

Remember he is an addict and his emotional/mental problems run very deep. He is in need of some serious counseling. Your husband probably does love you, but the addiction has taken over his life it would seem.

I wish you luck, but dont quit on your marriage until you have tried everything to save it.