[ThePainNeverDies]

Ok, so many of you may know that I broke up with my (now) ex, Connor. We've been apart for a good 4 months and I feel fantastic without him in my life. It has been amazing to feel free and out of his evil grasp and be able to just live my life how I want to live it and how I feel is right to live it and it's working out pretty fantastically!

The only problem I have is, I have met a new guy. I went on a dating site shortly after leaving Connor and met the most amazing guy ever! We clicked instantly and we said we'd meet to get to know each other better. I have since been to stay with him 4 times. Each time has been equally, or even more, fantastic and amazing and pretty much (in a good way) overwhelming.

We have a lot of the same interests and he just wants to know about me and asks questions about me and doesn't mind if I just yabber on about nothing. When we have silences, they're not awkward, they're companionable and enjoyable. I love everything about him. He's amazing. I'm totally interested in what he does and have already met his Dad and a lot of his friends and instantly clicked with him.

e recently complimented me on how easy I am to get on with and how laid back and chilled out I can be when I'm with the right people, how fun loving, interesting and funny I am. How awesome I am and how wicked my personality is. He also said that he can see that I'm trying extremely hard to get my life back on track and that I am fantastic, beautiful, lovable and generally amazing.

I am falling head over heels in love with him. It's not like it was with Connor. It's so much stronger, so much more overpowering, overwhelming... Amazing... But I'm having so much trouble because despite what he's said about and to me, I feel he doesn't feel himself falling in love with me, or that he's trying to stop himself doing so... Or maybe it's just too soon. I dunno. I know it's only been like 4 months that I've known him and been meeting him, but these things can happen pretty fast...

It's like... The first time he held my hand, the sparks flew so hard I didn't know if my hand would stay on! (Lol) and that first kiss from him made my heart race so fast that I went dizzy and literally fell onto him (he was sat on his foot stool, I was crouching) and I could feel my World completely lighten up. It's so much more, so much better, than it was with Connor.. I thought I knew what love was and maybe i did with my first love, but this is just completely different and he makes me the happiest woman in the World.

I'm still shocked that he hasn't run away despite all my issues. I know taht he knows I'm trying damned hard to stop the self harm and all the suicide attempts. I spoke to him the other day and it's so nice, this part, but I said: "I'm improving my life more than ever. I've cut 4 bad people out of my life and let one of the best people in " and it was so nice to hear him say "Good girl! You're sorted, well done. I can see you're trying hard to sort yourself out" just to be able to tell him such positive stuff and get that positive affirmation really pushed me to sort myself out even more.

I'm just so scared that if I don't talk to him for a week or something, we'll not ever talk again, or that he's just not interested... Or I'm afraid that I'll tell him properly how I feel and it'll make him run away, but then there's always the chance that he'll come to me and say "I feel the same" but I just dunno what to do. It's tormenting me so much.

Please give me some form of advice... I know this is long, but he's a very special person to me... I've let him get to know my personality traits pretty fast and opened my heart up to him little bit by little bit, quicker than I have with anyone, but there are parts of me holding back because I'm just so unsure.. I know this all sounds very teenager like and very immature, but I believe it's none of those things... I believe it's just... Pure love. Pure wholehearted love and confusion over whether he feels the same...

I just want to know what's going on in that head of his...

[Ygrec23]

Dear The Pain Never Dies,

As a guy, considering what you have written of what your new guy has said to you, I'd think it a pretty darn good bet that he's as much in love with you as you are with him. As you probably know, guys just hold in things like that much more than girls do. I'd be amazed if some time in the next two months he doesn't tell you more about his really positive feelings about you. Take it easy, don't push him, enjoy what you have, and look for those little telltale signs of his real feelings, which as far as I'm concerned are coming loud and clear from what you say he says. And imagine! You'll have to change your screen name! The best of British luck to you.

Take care.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Ygrec, this was such an exciting read! My heart flipped when I read what you said I'm feeling a lot more positive and have even figured out a way to go back to work and still be able to see him as often as possible. I get 2 days off each week so am going to try to make them a Wednesday and Thursday because Tuesdays I work the early shift so could travel to Morgan's in the afternoon, get there in the evening and leave his on the Thursday evening when he gets back from work

Thank you so much for the tip... I will be patient and give it more time and just see what happens... This is very hard though! I guess I'm worried because the last time I had to figure this stuff out was when I was 14 and kids are easier to figure out then! This guy's 26 and very difficult to figure out... But he seems to enjoy my company, so hopefully I'll start to see the signs more..

I guess I'm just worried because he sent a gift to another girl (I think it was for her Birthday) but he didn't with me, maybe it was because I was with him for the week and we celebrated with his friends and such, but I dunno... I guess I just didn't feel so worthy of his time and such?

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive, but.. Yeah. Thanks for the reply

[Perna]

Attraction is always different for different people, an individual thing. Attraction is NOT love! That this guy is interested in you is very clear in his choice of spending time with you. Attraction is a chemical thing to help us get together but does not last in its intensity for very long (maybe a year, hence the term "honeymoon period"). I think it sounds like you are doing a great job working to make the relationship a strong one on it's own merits and sounds like he is too, introducing you to important people in his life, sharing, etc. It sounds like you are growing together quite well.

Were I you, I'd remind myself of how far I've come with the new guy, what we have both shared and how the two of you are working together to get to know one another and help the relationship work. Look at your experience with the relationship instead of your fears, fears are always dicey in that they are in the "future" which no one can guess. Stay with with the experience of what has actually happened and appears to be happening in the now.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Perna, thank you. I needed this I'm sticking with the now and right now, he is chatting to me and I feel ecstactic! Buzz buzz buzz go all the sparks in my body and he's just said that he's gonna try to be around more before he goes away to talk to me and help out

Hmmm everyone's making me blush tonight, saying things like:
Just kirsten roche is awesome, you always make people smile, you have a great warmth to you, your laugh is cute, everything about you, plus when I look at u it's just awesome!
Ur personality shines out a mile,
Ur funny, smart, whitty and just all around amazing
Annnnd ur cute cause ur smile is amazing. Ur nose is bootiful, ur eyes are to die for...

This is unbelievable! I really don't know what's going on, but it's certainly giving me a buzz and has really topped off my weekend well.

I'm just so close to bursting out with "*******it Morgan, I LOVE YOU!!!!" But I can't lose that control. He's making it more and more obvious to me that he's missing talking to me and such and that's really touching me deep and making me buzz even more, but I just have to keep holding on and let it grow... I don't trust him enough yet...

I want to trust him more, why is it that the people who are not good to trust are the easy ones to trust yet the ones who are worthy of it, can't get it from people like us??? It's not fair I guess that's what makes it more worth it huh?

I just want to tell him how much I love him. My heart is burning, aching, twisting... Sounds stupid I know, but it's how it feels. I'm gonna miss him when he goes to Morocco for 2 weeks

ThePainNeverDies, I am happy for you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, TheByzantine I've needed this for sometime

[ThePainNeverDies]

I told him. It was scary. Really, really scary. I was shaking like anything.

So yeah, I told him that I felt like I was gonna burst if I didn't just tell him. So, I did it and asked him how he felt. He said that he does feel something for me, just not as strong as what I do for him. Then he said that right now he's not so good with relationships.

Not sure what to think, because those two things kind of contradicted each other. Having thought about it, I feel like that is just an excuse for "I'm a 26 y/o guy, still immature and just want to be able to sleep with who I want when I want and flirt etc. with who I want when I want." Which is fair enough, but seriously? For a 26 year old to be like that?!? It doesn't make sense to me... Then again it could've just meant he's not ready for a relationship yet because like me, he just wants to be single for a while and not feel trapped and tied down because he's recently come out of a relationship like I have (i don't know how recently)...

But yeah... I'm not sure whether to just put this down as a lost cause or to keep trying. He hardly ever talks to me anymore, I never have any texts from him anymore and when he's online, it's like I'm not even there. He's on the tail of another girl, Sally, who's pretty and older than me, so more likely to get him because maybe he fears I'm too young and immature for him, or maybe too mature for him, I don't know.

I'm totally stuck and am now searching everyday for a new guy.

One of my friends, a very close friend, proposed to me a couple of weeks ago. I thought he was joking, until the next morning when he told me he'd been deadly serious. I said that I didn't know. Then we spoke about it a bit and I said I'm not ready to be tied down yet, after having just come out of an abusive 4 year relationship, I don't trust men very easily and I just want to get used to standing on my own 2 feet etc. Since then he's been trying to get me to get into a relationship with him and has even taken me ring shopping. It's such a huge pressure, yet I'm so tempted to go for it because he is in fact a lovely guy... But I don't want to make another mistake with relationships and I just don't want to rush into things... I don't think he's someone I see myself with for the rest of my life...

I'm so confused and stuck and just so desperate to be loved

“Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you'”
~ Erich Fromm

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at the, the byzantine..? :/

[Belle1979]

You have to follow your heart.... but it does sound like the guy is a bit of a player.. plenty more fish in the sea as the saying goes...
Don't marry your friend just because he's there.. wait and the right person will find you and you will both love each other xx

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello ThePainNeverDies,

I read your initial post with a sinking feeling in my stomach, hoping against hope that you would reel your energy in and slow down; knowing you were in for a bit of a drop. You seemed to be in a rebound falling in love with the first man who treated you better than your ex did. That usually happens with people out of abusive relationships. I felt too when I read that you had told him you loved him that he would react in a negative manner.

What I took from his response to you was that he was trying to help you to get stronger and more personal power, to get your life back on track. He was encouraging you not falling in love with you. I felt bad for you because I felt what was coming.

You are now "confused, stuck and want to be loved". And the difference from your first post which was only 3 weeks ago is disturbing.

It seems that you don't just want love and adoration, you need it and you will fall in love with each man that comes along until you find the one that says "I love you" back to you. So on top of your abuse issues, you are now compounding them with rejection issues. Your need to be loved and wanted is very clear in your considering marrying a friend because he is a good man, not because you love him; in fact you state clearly that you don't love him and don't see him as a life partner.

You should be relationship free for at least 12 months to allow yourself to find your own feet, sort yourself out and train yourself not to be in love with the idea of being in love. Because at the moment you are a relationship disaster waiting to happen. You will be neurotic in a relationship which is something you do not need. You need to be strong and confident in yourself, in who you are and what direction you are headed in.

Get strong for yourself and you will never regret it, stay as you are and you will have a string of relationships or marriages behind you that you will more and more time to recover from as you go through life...

((((((((lots of hugs & support))))))))

Rhiannon

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm not marrying anyone just because they're there. I have said I'm putting relationships on hold...

This guy wasn't the first guy to show me more respect than my ex. A few guys have shown me more respect than he did, even while we were still together. I actually made sure that I didn't go for a rebound love or anything, unlike my ex. I'm enjoying being single in some ways, just finding it hard in other ways but I know I can stand on my own two feet because I already am.

I did reel my energy in and slow down, then I felt able to tell him calmly. I felt it was the best thing to do and knowing it was probably just a phase, I guessed it'd help me out of it and it did, but I do still have those feelings lingering.

There is NO way I'm getting married until I know for sure it's what is right. Nuh uh. I'll never make that mistake.

Today, in fact, proved to me how much stronger and more confident I've got since the break up. It has put me on a high and I'm just trying to hold onto it with everything I've got because today, I ignored the one person who caused my life to be total hell during my childhood. My Adoptive Mother. I pulled my head up, widened my smile and carried on walking confidently. Her response? I flick of the head and quiet 'hmph!' because she doesn't scare me or get to me anymore. Usually I'd have been weak and stared at her and said hi, tried to make a conversation, tried getting her to love me and want me, accept me etc.

But I don't want that. I want new people in my life who love me for who I am and be a friend because they want ME, not what I have or not because they think I'll take their s**t. I used to just sit and take what people gave me, all the abuse and such. not anymore. Anyone says anything and I'll ignore them, not let it get to me and show that it's not getting to me. Anyone hits me, I fight back. And not in the sense of hitting them back. I use the combat skills I learned when I got myself into combat classes and self defence. I'm a sucker for being pushed around, people seem to get a vibe that it's easy to push me around. But I don't think they'll mess with me when they see that I can just as easily grab their arm and put it back where it belongs.

I'm not desperate to be loved, or to love someone... I need to learn to love me first and these achievements are getting me there. Just sometimes I need a bit of a shove in the right direction. I'm happy with the way my life is going now. It's getting back on track slowly. I just want that right person to share it with and I know exactly what that person has to entail.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I'm totally stuck and am now searching everyday for a new guy.

I'm so confused and stuck and just so desperate to be loved

You have to love yourself first, that's the only way that works. If you love yourself, grown men will be attracted to that and you'll have an "equal" relationship, where each person knows themselves and can be there for the other person without excuses or feeling overwhelmed (the other person won't be "needy" will be able to meet their own self-needs) or a lot of questions and wondering, "Is this right? Will this work?".

[ThePainNeverDies]

Perna, I am slowly learning to love myself. There are many things I have started to like and love about myself. Like the fact that I never give up, that I always help people when they need it, the fact that I get on with most people and like to have a giggle and can be funny. but serious when I need to be. I love my smile and my deep, blue eyes

Confidence is the key, I know.

I am meeting different guys along the way and making some good friendships, which is helping me to feel even better about myself. To the point where I feel I am allowed to start loving myself a bit more... But I'm just scared of seeming bigheaded when I say the good things about me, you know? :/

Good for you, ThePainNeverDies.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I just want to feel good about myself for once. That's the bit I'm struggling with most. I still don't quite understand what these guys see in me but I'm getting there...

I just don't understand how people can love my body. It's so gross. I mean, I'm starting to get used to it, although it can be quite uncomfortable... But I guess I just need to understand what they see that I don't and start to see it too. Very difficult when it involves getting used to being touched by a male! Not so good at that.

Though I'm gonna leave that for when it's the right male anyway... I'm just a bit down on myself atm.. ED is going crappy again