definition of cheating

what is your definition of cheating?

would you say only physical with someone else?
would you say masturbation and leaving your partner out? by that I mean no sex with said partner for long periods of time?

how about a spouse being bi-sexual?

let's have a good discussion.

Well, I think you can cheat without touching the other person, but the emotions involved make it cheating.

Also, I don't think masturbation is cheating.

And if a spouse is bi-sexual, I don't really see that as being any different than being straight or gay. Either/or/all whatever, as long as you are monogamous it really doesn't make a difference.

I think cheating is able to happen both physically and emotionally. You can cheat on someone emotionally.

I don't think masturbation is cheating.

I don't think being bisexual makes you a cheater. I am bisexual and I am monogamous and never nor would I ever cheat on my bf. I also avoid certain people in respect for my bf.

My most recent ex broke down one day in March and told me she was dating her best friend. They'd been moving in on each other for about a month, and finally decided they loved each other enough to start dating. She told me all they did was kiss and cuddle but even if that's true I still consider myself having been cheated on. Even if it was just emotional, the fact that they were both involved and both willing to go behind my back is cheating as far as I'm concerned.

Hmmm..this may be another subjective issue, maybe a poll would have been a good idea?

Emotional or phsyical is cheating,

Masturbation when partner has been left out for a long time indicates there may be something happening, and masturbation to porn is a type of sensual cheating

Just because someone is bi-sexual doesn't mean they are a cheater, but if they are bi-sexual and avoiding sex with their partner it does indicate that they could have found some one else

I don't think it's a fair assessment to say that masturbation to porn is sensual cheating. While we are part of a couple when we are in a relationship, it doesn't mean every single part of our life has to be shared, even the pleasurable parts. I suppose if you would rather masturbate to porn, perhaps there is a problem in the relationship, but pleasing yourself isn't wrong, porn aided or not.

It's all in your perspective isn't it? For example, I'm bisexual and happily married. If I want to flirt and play a little with a woman, my husband doesn't mind, in fact he encourages it....so it isn't cheating. By the same token, if I have intimate, soul-deep conversations with anyone else (man or woman) my husband would consider it cheating. Cheating is always going to be subjective and can only be defined by the two people in the relationship.

ok heres the deal. I was hoping to get by without disclosing too much but it ain't happening lol...

our relationship is strained to say the least....we rarely have sex anymore but I catch him masturbating. To him it is not cheating but to me it is. He is cheating me out of a healthy sex life. He thinks if I were to be with another woman that is cheating, but he can pleasure himself. now I would not think that is cheating if he were still taking care of me too. Now let me say this too. I use to be bi..sometimes those old feelings come back but it is a religious thing for me.
Hope that helps decide

(((bebop)))

I would say that you and your hub should look into sex or marital counseling.

Perhaps there are physical changes in your husband's body, causing less interest in sex. It's certainly possible that the stresses you're under have affected his sexual interest in you. A lot of times, we aren't too interested in sex with a stressor. I hope that I haven't mis-worded this post! I'm not trying to say, "It's all your fault." Just saying that may be his perspective right now.

That's why I recommend meeting with an impartial 3rd party. A marriage therapist might be more helpful to you, as you discuss a broader range of life. Imo, it's more likey to get down to what's going on emotionally. Then, you can work out these feelings with one another. Sexual therapists typically briefly discuss emotional topics and quickly go on to discuss healthy, happy sex lives.

That is my humble opinion. Very best wishes to you!

I agree with Shezbut that marriage counseling is a good idea. I think if a partner is masturbating but still satisfying his/her partner that fine. If a partner is masturbating but not having sex or excluding you in favor of masturbation - that's not right. Is he masturbating to porn?

The key here is to find out why he prefers self pleasuring. It could be:

1. he's being lazy or having intimacy problems related to the two of you.
2. his private parts just don't work the way they used to and he can only feel satisfaction if he flies solo. But he should still be satisfying you.
3. he's addicted to porn and has become desensitized to regular sex.

Or it could be other reasons I haven't mentioned. Now the other thing thing you mentioned about being with a woman if he's not doing his job as a husband. This would be cheating if he doesn't consent to it. Some people have open marriages, so if he said "go ahead" then it wouldn't be cheating IMO. Some people are in Polyamorous/Polygamist marriages - the fact they're with multiple partners doesn't mean they're cheating, because they're all in agreement to this arrangement.

If a couple all of a sudden decides to declare he's a Polygamist(like in my case) and it's against my beliefs - then that's cheating but to him it's allowed - a no win situation.

So if your hubby says "go ahead", then you're not cheating. But I don't think this would be good for the marriage in the long run. Find what's his reason -don't speak in a blaming emotional way. Tell him you just want to know the facts, so you can both either fix it or figure out what to do. If you want to restore the intimacy you should both go for counseling with a specialist in this area. Best of luck ((Bebop))

I don't think masturbation is cheating, I think however it can become a problem as you are saying it is robbing you and him of sharing a healthy sex life.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you are cheating either, I"m bisexual abut I would never stray on my partner, I am completly faithful to whoever I am in a realtionship with. Sure if I'm in a relatioship with a man I may look at another woman and find her attracitve or if I'm in a relationship with another woman and look at a man and find him attracitve doesn't count as cheating.

What I consider cheating is the mindful and deliberate search for another person without your partner's okay, wether it be a sexual realtion with another person than your partner, or a emotional connnection (no I"m not talking about friendships, I'm talking about carrying on a deep emotional relationship with someone that is similar to what you share with your partner)

But everyone's definiton of cheating is diffrent, what matters is like a few others have mentioned you seek help about any problems your having in your marriage or partnership with a therapist. Sometimes one doesn't see eye to eye with their partner and needs a neutral third party to help partners see on the same level or realize that what they are doing is harmful to the relationship.

Best wishes to you Bebop
Typo

Bebop, I'm sorry...you must feel very lonely and left out. This, I believe, is a time in your life when some soul connected cuddling would be very supportive for you. That need unmet can be so crushing.

My take on men is they're like little volcanoes. They go zipping around in their life and then every few days have to "take care of it" one way or another. I think that's normal, until and unless it get's in the way of the marriage. When it replaces normal sexual relations, then it's a symptom of other issues.

I don't consider masturbation as cheating. And, him masturbating is better than going outside the marriage.

There's no reason you can't masturbate too. Maybe you could migrate to masturbating together. That can be very stimulating. Maybe you could try talking about it. I think finding a way for both of you to connect on some level would be a good thing.

Again, sorry things are so strained. Some couples counseling might be helpful.

lynn no porn that I know of. he works nights so his nights off he might be looking at some but I know on those nights he is not masturbating. we have someone living with us so that would be out as that bedroom is right next to his computer room that has no door. I am at a loss as to what to do. to me if feels like cheating when I am left out like I am right now.

you all are making some really good points. the biggest thing right now in our marriage is lack of emotional intimacy. *sigh* I give up lol. not really because I consider all of this very serious stuff. just not sure which way to turn right now. I do need to feel an emotional connection with someone! argh!!!!!!!!

Have you tried to discuss this is a calm way - a non-judgmental way . IMO it's fine to masturbate as long as the other is being satisfied. You could start by saying, you think it's fine to self pleasure but you also want intimacy - then go on from there.

I think sometimes one partner can become lazy - it's easy to just do it and be done lol. Would he be receptive to talking about this Bebop? Sounds like you both need some quality time together - think of what you both did together at the beginning of your relationship. Tell him you miss him and that connection you had before. Maybe you can write him a letter if that would make you more comfortable. If you are going to talk about it - the tone is very important......you don't want to sound accusatory/blaming. Most men are very sensitive about their sexuality. Are you fine with him masturbating as long as he satisfies you?

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.c...fine-cheating/

((((((((((((((Bebop))))))))))))))))))))))

hon I have talked calmly til I am blue in the face. you have some really good ideas. most I have tried over the last few years. thanks on

(((bebop)))

thanks byz! very helpful!

thanks typo!

Hello bebop,

The one thing that drives every relationship we have, positive or otherwise is emotion, even lack of emotion is a driver in relationships because emotion owns us.

Imho I believe that when we untie the knot of the emotions we have, we can begin to work out where we stand, how our emotions were developed, whether that development was good for us or not so good for us and what we aim to do to get them healthy. When we become the owner of the emotion instead of the other way around, we can have some peace and decide for ourselves what we want to do...

We all have different ideas I know and this has been a really interesting thread to read.

Bebop, I can so relate!

I went through this with my ex husband the last year of our marriage. For 10 months there was no intimacy in our marriage what-so-ever. I would often catch him masturbating to porn. I felt I was not only physically, but emotionally deprived. It led me to have an on-line emotional affair. I admit it was wrong in my actions, and I'm not justifying it, but it did help me cope in a very difficult situation.

I'm not sure what advice I can offer. Maybe try and introduce a new scenario in the bedroom? Role playing, games, new lingerie, a vacation? Don't forget guys are very visual sexually. Sometimes they need to be "shown" what we want rather then told, if you get my drift. I hope that didn't come across as I'm blaming you at all or that you are responsible for his actions towards you. Just thought I would add a different perspective.

I hope things start going the way you want them to! =)

thanks broken. that helps. I know it just hurts that the first 5 yrs in our relationship was wonderful for the most part. like a switch being flipped off it stopped. the last few years have been hell for me.

((((((bebop))))))))

How long have you two been married?

notz haha we have been together over 13 yrs! seems like I could have gotten things right by now lol