The Married Man and I! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

I also wish you the best of luck.

and welcome to the forums Helena!!

-Jennifer-

Ok let's assume he is telling the truth. I can't read his mind so I can only assume.
The only way in my opinion to get a decision out of him is to stop the relationship until he takes a decision. Habit and security are strong enemies. He needs an incentive (having you) if he leaves his wife and a risk if he doesn't (losing you). If he needed time, he will come back in a while with a decision. If not, you will know he didn't love you and in the meantime you will have taken care of yourself. It is an ultimatum in a soft shell if you want. You would be friendly but firm.

Ya know what, I tried the whole I am not going to talk to you until you are single speal and did a horrible job at it. I am definatly very confused abou this. I go back and forth about what I even want. I mean getting involved I never anticipated getting pregnant, after all we were safe (apparently not safe enough) and now, now I go back and forth. I suppose the mood swings help. I have told him how I felt. How it would be so much easier to explain a newborn than a seventeen year old. I have done the guilt that I see myself driving myself to the hospital while in labor and being all alone having a csection. The speal about denying the kid her/his birthright of relatives. Bringing yet another child into this world without a father. and the only closer we got was finially after what, four months he called a lawyer and got advice. The advice, the common sense, TALK TO THE WIFE and tell her its not working. Duh? But this too is a hard thing to do. I understand this, I really do but I certainly know that anytime I have ever been in a relationship that I felt no love in I have prepared myself to leave and have left. Married or not. I was married once, granted not for twelve years but still.........I suppose there is hope......and yet honestly...........I am not sure this is what I want.........but the friendship I cherish.........I am in a situation that I see no solution because I do not have the slightlest inkling of a clue as to what I want............which would help in a lot of things.........I wanna scream...........Thanks for listening..........I really hate affairs.....they are not meant for me.....

(((((vl))))))

Tonight I broke my cell phone. This may sound crazy to some. However, I had to do something oppose to nothing. Pretending I could just not call him was very stupid of myself. SO the only other option was to break my only tool I have for communication. I suppose this is the step in the right direction. After all if he loves me then this will be a stepping stone to get him to take action himself. ITs not his wife he won't leave, it's his kids. I undestand but enough is enough. I am sick of this affair. I can't take it anymore. Unfortunatly love makes us weak no matter how unhealthy it is to us, we continue after it. I hope this helps me to distance myself. To try and get over him. Hey, atleast I am doing something. I should be applauded for that. It makes sense in my bipolar boderline world of chaos. Break my phone, cease talk. No phone no talk. (He is long distance......) Maybe He just makes me that crazy. AND Trust me, it was not as easy as one would think to just run over a cell phone and break it....I ran over it like ten times and it didn't do anything...I opened it, as it was a flip phone and still it didn't break...I dragged it with my car....still nothing.....finially it did, but I had to rip the display from it..............Audiovox 8900.....superub Quality......recommened as asolid phone....practically unbreakable..........REGARDLESS.....I might need some major support the next few weeks quitting him cold turkey....It is harder than quitting drugs, this addiction is just chronic.........grrrrrr.....thx for listening........ill keep you posted.........three weeks I can find out what my baby is too....I am excited.....although still I have mixed feelings about doing this alone, if I can financially and emotionally......I am sure I will be fine....it's the little things that break me.....

It was nine days later after this post that the married man talked to his wife. Surprise surprise. I guess it went better than he expected and apparently she is moving......I don't know....I am not sure now what role I am supposed to play in this. I want to be there for support but how?

Regardless It finaly happened. One step closer to something.

I am probably just as surprised as the rest that he actually talked to her. NO he didn't fess up to an affair. I wouldn't either not until after the divorce....why complicate things further. he will have to eventualy owe up to it but why hurt the kids?

At last some news! You must be relieved, but think about yourself first and your child is not necessarily better of with a father, depends what kind of father. I am not telling you to give him up. Just don't feel you owe him anything. He put you through a lot. Take your time. Be sure.
I do think it was better not to confess his relationship with you right away. What good would that have done now ? He will have to at some point, but that's his problem, not yours.
I wish you all the best! Keep us posted!
Maybe one day, my prince will wake up. I have "broken my phone" as well.

I had an affair. I swore up and down I was going to leave. But there was always some reason why I had to wait to leave. Eventually my ex husband and I split but the guy I was haveing the affair with had made the decission to move 5 states away. Havent seen him in 3 years. Still hink about him.

Okay. Hmm...So the beginning says its all. I finially made a doctor's appointment. I went in for my first appointment. I brought Keisha with because I thought it would be cool for her to hear the heart beat. I didn't want to do it alone and knew she would like it. So the doctor tries for ten minutes or so for a heart beat. Nothing. No alarm. "The uterus could be tilted" "Maybe you are not that far along" Ultrasound the next day. Late afternoon. The admitting lady was not as informed or as nice as she should have been. I referred to her smugly as "the 'friendly' lady named Sharon". Of course they don't really say much at all. "this is the gaestrasiol sac" (However you spell that, or whatever) It was very tiny. I could see a whitish shape. It measured at about 8 weeks. Keep in mind I am supposed to be at least thirteen weeks to even make sense. "what are the results?" No results until the doctor comes. "Wait here" I knew then. I prepared for what I knew. Of courset it seemed like the minutes streached to hours. . Doctor comes in. He is a friendly guy. I like him. He tells me there is no, I want to say "vitals" as he is somtimes hard to understand because of his thick african accent. Meaning no movement, no sound, no nothing. I need to do blood work. They basically need to measure my pregnancy hormones and then retest in 72 hours. So I hav eot wait til Monday to confirm. People say to give it hope but I know. It's one of the things. I am starting to have the pain, cramping. The lower back aches. The head aches. No bleeding yet, but fluid. I thought I had peed my pants yesterday. so....how about the other fifty million questions? How am I? Did you tell him? What did he say? (it's 1249am and this might take forever and be emotional so I will giv eyou the short version)......

I took the news at first good. I am a strong person. I can be emotionally unavailablt at times. My defense is humor and raw honesty intertwined. A happy tragedy. Today was the aftermath where it bothered me even more. I had to go out in public, I am sorry I chose to go out to see my brother's band play and didn't want anyone to ask me about it. Which one person did "Aren't you pregnant?" and I answered "I don't know." "NO really I don't know" Because I am naturally a smart ***. Rest assured it's okay. Safely it is something that gets mentioned that ONE time and that is it. We naturally do thing. Drop the nonessential tragedys. Emotionally I am in denial. I hate to say I was really exicted. Why I would want to lie about it seems stupid but by accepting this truth I would break down and go absolutly stark raving mad. Is it okay to not grieve in the tradionaly sense? What is even apporiate? I want to cry, I don't know if ever I want to try again. I couldn't go through with this again. The chance. And him....the father....well....I don't even know. Today I wanted to plan to see each other. Like in the next couple days. Yeah, no. Basically and this is not quoted and just how I interrupt his action and response. That even though he talked to his wife, she is still there and so he can't. (my loyal readers, I was jsut as outraged) Mind you this morning she cracked into his alltell account and wrote down my numbers in her calender book. A number that is called very very frequently with long talk time at weird hours and intervals and distant and well yeah.........at first I felt wrong to be mad at him, almost afraid to. Now I just fester all my emotions at him and am one gigantic pissed off person. If that even makes sense. I dont think that five minutes out of his busy schedule will matter. I don't think I am selfish. Consdering I dont ask him for much at all. I haven't needed anyone like this before. I would have liked to talked face to face. But no, I feel I am not important enough. Like turning in a late assignment at school, saying silently, I did this when I wanted to and you are getting it now that I want to give it to you. I know so many people who lie. He really hasnt even sneaked around. I made it convient going to his house while she was at work. I am hurt and mad and upset and well F___ him. I know, I know I have these moods where I say that but given the circumatances around this one, I have every right. And I feel that if this is the case now, how will it be if ever I really need him? When you love someone you make every attempt to be there. Atleast that is a part of its defination. I think. I know I would try to be there.

I suppose the best thing that came out of it is that he does not have to hurt his wife and kids. Although I am begining to resent him for everything. This is probably what they call projection or some defense. Where he is my scapegoat and instead of coping I blame him. Nothing binds us anymore. I feel alone. I feel unimportant. We have changed, whether he knows it or not. He has let me down and maybe when I am done being mad he will be forgiven and yet not forgotten. Always remembering it could happen again. I would have been there. I would have found a way. Who knows maybe he will feel guilty and show up and yet I dont think i want the reality. I think I am going to just block him from life. think of the baby I could have shared with him and the tragedy of it all and how he wasn't there in it's farewell and not want to see him. Has the day arrived? Buh bye from life. The irony of it all. For not being in a relationship that I am in, it's hard to leave it. But I think this is telling me a lot more than something. I prayed I wouldn't go crazy about this. Is it wrong just to accept it and move ahead, like right away. Find out the horrible news and dust myself off and keep on sailing? Must I activly morn? Wht is appropriate? Thanks for listening to me, I know I rambled a lot but THERE is so much on my mind. SO much happening all at once. Life needs to settle down jsut for a little while. The monkeys are dancin gin my head with the symbols walking back and forth. BANG!!! BANG!!! (114)

I'm sorry to hear this Vulgarlove. I hope you find whatever peace there is to be had from this situation.

So I miscarried on Sunday. Lost a lot of blood, almost died and had to have an emergancy D & C. I am off work for a week. I think I am still in shock. I do not know how to feel about it.

vulgerlove, Im so sorry all this has happened. I hope you can manage with all of this. You are in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but kindness

all the girls

(((((((((((vulgarlove))))))))))))))

She is moving out.......to think that no one including I thought that it would even happen.....hmmmm...we are going to try dating....?????

SO out of the blue she, his wife sent me a few text messages. I could hardly resist texting back. I said I suppose this means we can't be friends and told her we should go out for coffee... I don't think she found this to be amusing.........I never admitted to anything......In fact siad I was a lesbian.......I thought that was safe..........I just told her I was sorry for her divorce and if she needs anyone to talk too..............

She started it............

This is just great...........hmmmmmmm.........I am sure that more drama will follow.......hope you guys brought the popcorn because I don't think it's as easy as her writing " I am not wasting any more time on a lying homje wrecker like you"

I tried to tell her it was broken before I came in to the picture. Which it was, I hold no guilt..........hmmmm........she hates me........NO I AM NOT SURPRISED

honestly? I think you should refrain from corresponding with her, even if she text messages you. YOU may know that it was broken, but SHE is probably grieving terribly. Who knows how direct your... boyfriend? was with her.

I think you did the right thing in saying that you're sorry, but don't offer to be friends and you definitely shouldn't lie. I'd just lay low... the more you get involved, the more it will hurt everyone.

Good luck...

(((((((((Vulger)))))))))))) Sorry about your miscarriage.
I hope you're okay.

If this woman contacts you again I would ignore her messages. I think talking to her could make the situation much worse. She is probably hurting right now and it does not sound like you really know both sides of the story. Maybe she has been a great wife and he has been a jerk, or vise versa. I kind of feel like you are saying neeee ner neeeee ner he is mine now! I just think for everyones sake I would stay away from her.

i agree and yet now she wants to be my friend...this is so odd...........she keeps talking to me......how funny.....

Maybe you are all she has thats close to her husband. I suspect shes hurt and lonely so tread carefully, she might have a little broken heart.

Atg

Yeh, maybe she feels that you are now her only link to her husband.......
I just read your saga, VL, whew, you must be emotionally exhausted.

I've found lonely people spend a lot of time in their heads writing scripts for their lives instead of finding a way to fill themselves in the real world.
Didn't you say you waited and waited for a few minutes with him, on the street, during his shift, because he was your only friend back when you were 19? Sounds like you were and still are very lonely.

It feels to me like miscarrying (so very sorry that happened) was an opportunity for you to actually make a clean break with this guy. Oh well, that's not where you went with it. No blame.

Now, his lonely, confused, hurt, betrayed wife reaches to you for friendship??? Whew, she must not have much support either. Feels desperate. Acting from desperation is usually not clearly thought out action..... more like a drowning person who grabs whoever is near to save themself, unfortunately, they can pull the other person down with them.

There are a lot of roads to fullfillment. TV tells us finding ONE other person is THE answer. I haven't found this to be true.
For me, the more I give to a bunch of people, the less I focus on the "need" for one. Maybe it's time for you to enlarge your circle.

Community organizations are desperate for volunteers, Is there something you and your child could do together? Like go to an animal shelter and pet lonely pets? Visit a senior convelesence home and play cards with somebody? Sing in a choir? There are alot of people out there who could use a drop of your love. You will meet others doing the same thing. People to be friends with and find some of the support you really do need. Have I gone preachy? I hope not. I just wish you and your child some stability that is coming from you and not dependant on Mr Cop.

"Letting go" creates a vacuum. Fill it up with giving and you will change your whole thing. Been there, done that. I am puliling for ya!!!!

Good advice, HIll bunny....I need to do that myself!!!
Seeker

i cant do it! I cant talk to her. I feel abd. She is hurting. IT sucks. what a sopa opera i will keep you all psted.