Help - trust issues (yep I'm back)

... I'm giving him the power to have control over if I feel safe, secure and happy by second guessing everything he says and does...

You are right it took me lots of sessions with my T and lots of soul searching to figure out that I am the only one who can have control over my emotions.

There ya go! Add to that... while you obsess over what he is thinking and intending you loose sight of what you expect, need and want from him. You put yourself second to him. You are not equal in the relationship. You are second or otherwise last. Powerless by default. Powerless by choice. Powerless to him. No wonder you feel vulnerable hey?!

How do you change that status? He can't give you your power back. You have to walk in your power and know that from a place of power you can be disappointed but you can't be broken.

Belle... just noticed the thread or I would have come around here sooner.

Reading through the thread I keep wondering how you might better position yourself to feel less vulnerable. It seems to me you give Louise a lot of your power. I think women generally do that to their detriment.

Why is your security dependant on Louise saying or doing this or that to reassure you? Why are you reading between the lines to discern what he is saying or not saying? Why is he holding all the cards for you?

I think it is a power issue. I think women give up their power to men in relationships and that is why women are so hurt when a relationship breaks down. They have no power. They don't know thier own power because they detached themselves from it when they 'fall in love'.

Maybe the life lesson this relationship represents, and the reason you are struggling to define the relationship and 'know' his 'true' feelings, and the reason you are feeling anxious is because you are once again giving up your power. Power you worked very hard to reclaim after Mark.

What would Louise and the relationship look like if you viewed it with a sense of your own power not being compromised or turned over to him and his whimes and fancies? It is not just about you keeping Louise interested it is also about Louise keeping you interested.

I am not sure I am communicating very well here. I am a little off today. Basically what I am trying to say I think is that women need to hold on to their power and not give it away to get a man. I think men prefer women who are strong and self sufficient and who know their own minds. I am not saying you aren't all of these things but listening to you doubting yourself and questioning his sincerity sounds like you may be giving too much away. It sounds like your happiness is dependant on his feelings, his actions, his intensions. He doesn't seem to have to do anything to win you over except tell you he is not going anywhere.

Just don't give up your power. I want to explain better what I mean by that but its not coming out right so I will just leave it for you to maybe contemplate and see if there isn't something useful you can kleen from the concept.

Thanks

I never used to have them... it's the whole 'trust' issues raising their heads! Am sure that one day I will feel more secure about it all. Getting hurt is the most frightening part of opening your heart.

I tried to get an appt. to see my T between now and when Louis gets back.. he doesn't have any eveing appoinments available (hoping for a cancellation) but just emailing him made me feel stronger and happier... he's a really good T - happy to help by email and phone if he can

How did you end up here Belle? I just found this thread, it is from before I joined and was bumped... To me it is obvious that you weren't right for each other. Look back at what Sanity was saying on page 3 about you keeping your power. That is some very wise and deep stuff, but it is very true. I think that you were too worried about if you were making him happy and and trying to keep him around even though you felt it wasn't right that you forgot about keeping you happy. It becomes a very lopsided (and unhappy on both ends) when one person has all the "power" as Sanity put it. She was right that most (good) men want a woman with her own opinions, who knows and loves herself (not narcissistic), and who isn't afraid to let them know how they feel and what they think. That is how it is for me at least. I have told my girlfriend that I never want her to be "seen and not heard" and that I love to know her opinions and thoughts of everything and every decision that we make... You are a wonderful woman, who I am sure would be an amazing partner in life, we all can see that here, you just have to find and believe that for yourself.... I hope that you can see that soon....

P.S. I added attachments... I hope they work.... (^_^)