i am NOT arguing

so, it took me quite some time to figure out where to put this, but i finally realized that this issue, for me, is a communication issue. "what issue?" you ask, well, i'll tell you i have always had the feeling that people didn't understand me, since i was a kid, i had that feeling. i know EVERYONE has that feeling... lol, so few of the things that we think are our own little quirks are really our own, more often than not, MANY people have felt/do feel that same way... but this is a bit different (maybe?), i think that it is a communication issue that i have. i have a very strong NEED to make sure that i am understood, so i like to explain myself (lol as you can tell by this long post) very thoroughly, just to make sure. the thing is, that people seem to take what i am saying as if i am arguing with them.

for example, today at work i had a disagreement with my supervisor on how something is required to be done, i expressed myself to her, and she said she would ask the manager, all very civil when the answer came back, and i was wrong/incorrect, i proceeded to thank them both for clarifying, then i explained why i had thought what i did, which both immediately took as me arguing with them... of course i found this to be a bit stressful, i don't want them to think i am arguing, they are my boss & supervisor after all, and i'm not arguing, just trying to convey to them where i was coming from and, again, that i appreciate the clarification *sigh* so, i can feel myself getting a little freaked out, "do i just walk away? but they don't understand me yet... oh no, now they think i'm getting mad and trying to prove my point, oh no..." of course this inner conflict reads to others that i am angry, and there is no way to gracefully bow out of the conversation at this point, at least none that i can think of, not without it seeming that i am walking away mad... so i try to say "thanks for clarifying that for me" and smile and walk away...

so, this is a long post, but hopefully, you can see what i am talking about... i'm not sure how to change this behavior... i don't seem to notice other people behaving this way, but then again, i just may not be noticing... any suggestions for how to learn to let go of this need? or how to communicate my point more clearly so that i don't have the need? or well... any input would be appreciated... thank you

lol, i just realized i might have posted this in the wrong forum... don't know it that is a problem, but i'm still not sure where to post it exactly... ???

I know exactly how you feel! I am the same way. Soul mate! Haha. Anyways I just really saw myself in your post. There's a couple of things you have that I have. For one, I am very defensive. It seems like you may be the same way. Which leads me to the second thing, you feel the need to explain yourself too much. Which the defensiveness and the explaining CAN go hand-in-hand. Though it doesn't always, of course. I've always had these problems and I too have the problem where no one gets me. Also, when I try to explain things to people they either think I am picking a fight or I am trying to prove them wrong. Which isn't the case.

My thing is I want people to know why I think the way I do, or if I made a mistake, why I made the mistake I did. Normally if I do something wrong I did it because of a way I was told, wasn't told, or something of that nature. I have a Supervisor much like yours who doesn't want to hear it, but I still tell him. I don't mind if he gets mad at me (not much he can do anyways, he has to go through the School District to get rid of me) and I just like my Supervisor to know that everything I do has an explanation for it. Same goes with friends, family, my animals (just kidding, lol) but you know things of that sort.

The good news is you aren't the only one! Here's the bad news.. There is no cure! We were blessed with this and we will always have it, haha. Unless we tell ourselves to shut up, or duct tape our mouth (super glue might work better actually..) then we will always have this problem. We just have to deal with it, and so do the people around us. Take care mate.

My thought is you conveyed your thinking on the matter to your supervisor who took it to the manager. Once you received the clarification, what more was there to say but a thank you?

I think I know where you are coming from; I did/do the same thing, have the same "need" to be understood. I was in therapy for a long time to help with that, don't know what I would suggest to you other than maybe the more you are "aware" you are feeling that way and just do as TheByzantine says and "stop"/stifle yourself maybe the need will lessen?

I guess I would first try to learn to preface my explanations with a "joyous" look lit-up eyes and big smile of gratitude and then a kind of exaggerated, "Oh! I thought. . ." as if I'm really glad it was clarified. They might not see that as arguing, might just think I'm "slow" to understand.

Of course, one might not want one's boss to think one was slow so I'd train myself to first respond to something with a "code" word or expression to myself that would help me learn to not explain beyond a particular point, except in my head. I'd maybe immediately say, "Oh, I get it now!" or something innocuous like that.

Maybe if you treated explaining as if it were "punishment" and made a note of it and wrote it out in a journal at night after you got home or something? Or, if you do a desk job w/computer to yourself, maybe type it up in a personal file quickly instead of saying it?

there was not really anything more to say, just the need to make sure that i was understood... in that example, i felt like it was important to make sure that they were aware of how/why i had been doing it the way i had been doing... *shrugs* but when i am no longer in that situation, who cares? i mean, they aren't going to be spending anytime thinking about the situation, unless they think about it as another instance where i argued... but lol, you are right, at least IMO... thank you for your reply

i think you hit the nail on the head with the "defensive" observation! thank you for putting it into that light... tho i disagree that there is nothing to be done about it i'm a big believer in the power to change, and i believe that i can change myself, especially if my issue is rooted in insecurity. i may still want to make sure that i communicate clearly, but i don't need to over explain EVERYTHING... lol, thank you very much for your reply tho, and it does feel good to realize that i am not in fact the only person who does this...
thank you so much! this was very helpful... i know it isn't the right term, but i love mnemonic device type trigger/memory things... i will work on that! and the journal idea was a good one too, tho i don't like to look at things as punishment, as a general rule, it would be good to sorta keep track of it, and explore it and see what will work. i also like the idea of training myself to use a sorta "i got it" catch phrase so that i am expressing that first, which will hopefully help me to stop the over-explaining... and the anxiety that goes along with that... i am also struggling with teaching myself not to say "i know" when someone tells me something, lol, i mean it as "oh i get you, no need to continue" which is what i wish people would say to me, but *sigh* most people i know aren't very psychic so, i feel like they think i am just a "know-it-all"

thank you all so much for your replies!

Maybe it was in the delivery? Supervisors and managers are paid to establish what sort of personalities their workers are and how we take supervision and training. We are placed into personality types. Sounds unfair but it's a fact of life, it's done to enable supervisors and managers to know who and what they are dealing with so that in training they can adapt strategies to train every person to understand the same way. In doing this they may have to train you with a firm hand yet someone else with a delicate hand, get me?

If we have already made clear what we thought to the supervisor there is no need to go further because you are hammering home to them that you still think you are right when you are not right (that is how they see it and hear it). There is no need to continue to try to make yourself heard or understood because it is a moot point; you were wrong that is it end of story (as far as they are concerned).

Point being that you have an obsessive need to go over your story again and you are subconsciously giving them one more opportunity to say "AAAAhhhhh yes you're right".

Let it go and work on why you have the need. It is possible that something happened when you were younger that either embarrassed you beyond belief, or a situation where you were right but were told you were wrong has caused you to feel the need to explain yourself ad nauseum creating an anxiety reaction in you so that you now need to continually exlpain yourself to be certain, which allays the anxiety but creates an uncomfortable relationship between you and others; vis "people don't get you".

Well, I agree. Anyone can change, and we can change ourselves. However, I think you will still (for the most part) feel the need to explain more than might be needed. I don't see a problem with explaining yourself though, and if people don't like me for it then tough. I just know that for myself, I won't ever be able to get out of that. I will always feel the need to explain why I did whatever it was I did, and to have a reason for it. Maybe you won't always have to, though. I hope you find a way to not have to at all because life is much easier without dealing with that, haha.

you know, you do have a very good point tho, i was just thinking about it, it is really important to be able to accept things about yourself, and not always try to change everything too... i just feel like, for me, it makes my life hard to be that way, so i'd like to change some aspects of the behavior to make it less of a stumbling block... hope that makes sense (lol, but you probably already knew that)

thank you also rhiannonsmoon, for your reply... i am trying to figure out how to do the things that you are describing... will be working on it

this part of your reply gave me pause tho:
i'm going to have to think about that ... perhaps, my internal motivation is that i am arguing after all, tho, like i said it doesn't seem like it to me at the time. what i would really like to hear is "oh, i see where you are coming from" or something along those lines... but *shrugs* admitting you are wrong is a difficult thing for most people to do...

Hello Sun,

This is exactly what I mean. "What I like to hear" is key and "Oh I see where you are coming from" is also key.

Those 2 statements are giving you what you want. Clarification that you are right in what you are thinking even if the delivered action is not the preferred outcome for the supervisor or manager.

This situation will need specific self training to change but it can be done. So you will go from "what I like to hear" to "tell me what I need to hear". When this happens there will be no more need for clarification because you will have heard and fully understood what your supervisor and manager want you to understand to fulfill your role as an employee.

Take care