[bridgie]

so I have this cousin. as kids we all used to play and had fun. somewhere along the line some animosity came about. I dont even really know why. I have always been slightly jealous of her, and her family, its a favortism thing. my family was the black sheep and I more so than all the rest. I always thought she was so pretty, popular(lol this was high school times) and that she had so many things I didnt, yep a little jealous. but for her to not like me I dont know what I did or what is is about me. Recently I've been thinking about my cousin some of the things that have occured and a possibility of making amends. I feel bad that we arent close because we are family. so I wrote her an email on fb told her i saw a pic of her daughter and how lovely and big she is getting. my cousin runs a daycare and at work we just got a new educational section and I let her know in the email plus a way to get a discount if she was eligible. and told her I just wanted to say hi and requested to be her fb friend. She hasnt responded or accepted my friend request but she has been on. She is friends with my sister and brothers. I have her sister and mom as friends. Also recently I received an invite to her baby shower. I went to her sisters so Im feeling a little obligated but Im wondering why do I have to go. She doesnt like me, she didnt come to mine, she wont accept me as a friend. plus some the things she did when we were younger are still bothersom. why am I so worried about her, why do i even care. I don't think I should force myself to go to her baby shower. I don't know. I dont even know why i bother.

[bridgie]

oh goodness. never mind this is just so trivial.

[multi_gal71]

Originally Posted by bridgie

so I have this cousin. as kids we all used to play and had fun. somewhere along the line some animosity came about. I dont even really know why. I have always been slightly jealous of her, and her family, its a favortism thing. my family was the black sheep and I more so than all the rest. I always thought she was so pretty, popular(lol this was high school times) and that she had so many things I didnt, yep a little jealous. but for her to not like me I dont know what I did or what is is about me. Recently I've been thinking about my cousin some of the things that have occured and a possibility of making amends. I feel bad that we arent close because we are family. so I wrote her an email on fb told her i saw a pic of her daughter and how lovely and big she is getting. my cousin runs a daycare and at work we just got a new educational section and I let her know in the email plus a way to get a discount if she was eligible. and told her I just wanted to say hi and requested to be her fb friend. She hasnt responded or accepted my friend request but she has been on. She is friends with my sister and brothers. I have her sister and mom as friends. Also recently I received an invite to her baby shower. I went to her sisters so Im feeling a little obligated but Im wondering why do I have to go. She doesnt like me, she didnt come to mine, she wont accept me as a friend. plus some the things she did when we were younger are still bothersom. why am I so worried about her, why do i even care. I don't think I should force myself to go to her baby shower. I don't know. I dont even know why i bother.

FWIW, I don't think it's trivial that it hurts your feelings -- mine would be hurt, too. You're both adults, what occurred in the past (high school! Speaking of trivial, wasn't everything, then?) is in the past and the behavior you're exhibiting: Trying to make amends for past disagreements, communing with her as a parent, sent her a coupon that most of us mothers could desperately use as a kind gesture...it sounds righteous to me. It sounds like she's the one who's being trivial -- the hurt you're feeling is valid.

That said: I think you've made all the unrequited gestures you're obligated to make and if it were me, I would not go to that shower. Speaking for myself, I have found myself in situations like this (mainly with my late husband's family, who willfully ignore me and our son since his death and don't include us in family things -- me, I understand, but their own flesh and blood? Makes my own blood boil! It hurts!) and I could only take so many rejections veiled in willful ignorance of my existence before I wrote a letter and said, "NO MORE, my continual efforts to maintain a relationship with you for the sake of the child I bore with your son are obviously futile; should you wish to have a relationship with him or me, the effort is now officially on your shoulders to make it happen. With love, MG71."

That was two years ago and not only did my letter go unacknowledged, but we continue to be ignored by them unless it is convenient for them and then they put demands on me and I just keep putting down my foot -- demands don't fly, either. It will take an earnest discussion explaining "why," and a sincere, non-aggressive approach to a relationship with us to change my mind: It was affecting my mental health, causing me anxiety and triggering traumas and I decided I'd rather not feel guilty about people that didn't care about my feelings.

I hope that you are able to make a decision that will leave you feeling good about yourself, knowing that you are the "better person," so to speak, and that will help you eventually put this woman in a place of relative irrelevance in your mind and soul. In my opinion: You've done more than enough. Don't beat yourself up!

[babydoll233]

if it's bothering you it's not trivial.... i have learned in my 45 years to do what you want to do, not what everyone expects you to do.....i am still learning every day, do what makes you happy, everyone else does!!

[bridgie]

Mg71 I know how you feel about the other family not acknowledging you not just because of the cousin issue but my sons fathers family hasent acknowledged my son either. They know of him seen him and completely ignored him. So sorry you have to go through that too.
Babydoll. I am learning as well. I have decided not to go to the shower but I am going to send a small gift to the hostess to deliver it for me. I can't (without feeling bad) withhold a congrats for something so wonderful as a new baby. I"m a sap. Love babies. It will be small and pobably a little something fo alexis(big sister) other than that I feel that is all I need to do for me to feel better about it all. I won't continue to put myself out there but I think its the right thing to do for both of us. Perhaps like mg71 I will put a final note in the card worded in a calm and as nice a way as possible. I can be blunt and harzh at times but I try not. And I've been trying to let "bad" people slide off. Tough skin so to speak.
Thank you both for your responses you both are right it isn't trivial if it bothers. Just seems not as bad as others issues and I feel like I have no right to worry when it isn't as bad. I think I already knew what I should do but it helps to get it out. And at times I need a word from an outside perspective. Thank you

[Perna]

It could be (not likely but possible :-) that she remembers how she didn't like you (for whatever reason) and things she did to you then, etc. and is embarrassed because here you are being nice and she doesn't know how to respond. I contacted my first cousin on fb a couple months ago and we exchanged an email and then he quit answering ones I sent and nothing happened but suddenly, a couple days ago I got a nice letter in snail mail with copies of pictures, etc. Maybe she's at a loss as to how to respond and is thinking she is not deserving of your friendship now :-)

I think not going to the shower, though more comfortable for you, enforces your feeling that you are inferior to her (your cause for jealousy). It's hard for you to reach out to her but you did and now you're feeling like your hand has been slapped and probably, inside, feel maybe you were "wrong" in some way, that nothing has changed but you have! You are every bit "as good" as she is and were invited to this party and there are other people there; you could make more friends, meet someone new/interesting, etc. Money and looks, we know don't matter that much! What kind of woman do you want to be for you? You have not gotten a negative reply; just a rude silence. That's about her and what kind of woman SHE is.

[bridgie]

I want to be a kind caring and open person and be available if she ever would come around (I don't have high hopes for that) the shower is alos in a location that makes it difficult for me to get to. So I thought that if I sent a gift and card and I guess excused the absence from the event that I'd still be participating. But in a form that alleviates some of my anxiety over the situation. Perhaps I will hear from her later I don't know. I would hope at least a thank you card for the gift(not necessary but kind) the location has been a factor in all of this too. I would have to go to the city to a very social situation where as I am afraid I would have a panic attack. It would be beneficial to work through the attack though. I have two weeks to decide. I'm thinking if I could get a ride in I may be more likely to go. Have a safety person with me to keep the panic at bay. I really would like to have a relationship with my cousin. I miss the days when things were good.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello dear bridgie,

I don't think this is trivial. Things that cause us anxiety are not trivial. I can almost fall apart at times with the anxiety but no one knows because they don't feel it for themselves.

I do think though that she will be offended if you don't go to the shower. Maybe that is her way of reaching out to you to see if you will go and see if you are prepared to really bury the hatchet (that is a troubling analogy hmmm....). If someone else in your family is going maybe you could get a lift with them? and take a magic anti anxiety pill to help you through, that is what they are there for.

I just read your first post and from the beginning to the end it sounded like you only wanted to talk yourself out of it. We are here to support you and to let you know that we are here for you. How would you face any other situation that you simply could not escape? I know you can do it. But do you?

Loving hugs

Rhiannon

[bridgie]

Thanks rhiannon. It would make me feel better if the invite came from her personally but this is a surprise shower she has no idea it is happening or who is invited. I'm not sure I would have received one if she was giving it for herself. Been pondering it and she probably would get offended if I don't go. I mean she may not like me or really want me there but to just blow off her baby shower does seem a bit rude. I've been looking at gift ideas and have that. That's the easy part. I don't know if we will ever be able to make amends and I know at least at the start I will be so very uncomfortable and anxious(anxious for more reasons than just the shower the anxiety issue is a whole other thread) I know I felt bad when she didn't come to mine. I can only assume she would feel the same way. I think I'm going to have to find a way to the venue. Oy that's a whole other thread too. Lol.
Thank you all for your insights. I have to get my head together and pull this off somehow.
And after the shower I can only hope things between us improve. It is quite draining to try and try and yet nothing. I don't want to end up being all stalker like(lol sorry amused myself) so I will have to just let things go at some point.

[Yoda]

It sounds like you have lots of conflicting feelings. You want to be her friend but you want her to reach out to you first. You want to go to the baby shower but you are not sure how welcome you are since it is a surprise. You want to make up and let go of the problems from high school but you don't know how. Is any of this correct? Or I could be way off.

Perhaps you and she should go about getting to know each other as adults because you are not in high school anymore.

Meant to be helpful here but if it is not disregard.

[bridgie]

Yoda you are partially correct. I have been going to family events at her mother home to try but if she know I'm going to be there she doesn't go. I've been sending christmas cards. I gave up for awhile. Recently I sent the email I wrote of up above and received no response. Shortly after the baby shower invite came and I'm going back and forth is this the chance to help it truly move forwar or is it going to be one more time I feel that I'm being disregarded. Last time she saw me was at the fair with her husband and father. Her husband and my uncle talked to me but she said nothing. This was one summer ago. She also refused to go to the family reunion and she was in town. I don't know. I keep thinking one more try. One more try. When do you stop trying? How many times can one handle the rejection of someone you used to be so close to. And I'm sure she has her reasons too. I'm not sure what I did and won't know unless she told me. Feeling conflicted yes. I don't know how not to at this point. I am definitely going back and forth. Can even tell from my responses. I have an idea in my head but I would need a ride to go. That may be the only way to get me there. I need to settle one way or the other so I can rsvp. Its eating away at me making me very nervous.