[spwhite24]

I am desperately looking for help. I am engaged to a wonderful woman who was in the past in an abusive marriage. I know it was emotional and verbal abusive. It may even go further, I am not sure, since she has really not opened up about this area of her life. We have known one another for 15 years or so. We were both married before and had some issues from our pasts. Our relationship progressed well in a healthy manner taking into consideration both of our needs and issues from the past. We both commented on how so many people are quick to give up on people like us with "issues". We actually were probably brought closer by some of the similar issues we have experinced in our past and the ability to relate to one another as well as be considerate of one another. Everything went well all the way up to getting engaged. Even then she was very happy, making plans for the wedding and all. Then from what I have read so far it seems that she had some type of post traumatic episode stemming from her past abusive relationship. She herself was totally blindsided as well. Even now she says she loves me dearly, has no reason to distrust me and wants to marry me, but she is scared to death. I have reassured her of my love for her and my patient support. I think she will act on my encouragement to seek help from a counselor who specializes in this type of thing. The reason I am posting here is I need some help to be able to support her. I am looking for any resources, books or whatever that can help me in understanding as well as helping me to know what I should actually do for her, though I realize the counseling is key. But I really need help to be able to be there for her. She is truely an amazing girl and is worth all the effort. Please help me, so I can be there for her.
Sincerely,
Steven

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by spwhite24

Please help me, so I can be there for her.

Steven,

You already are there for her. You're here looking for answers on how you can be more supportive and helpful and that reflects a good guy. I cannot tell you what is going to work for your wonderful fiance, but I can tell you what I needed when I suffered from PTSD. The phrase, "Leave me alone but don't leave me" comes to mind. I needed space, a safe space that I could crawl into and pull it together. That space might be physical or it might have been emotional depending on my needs at the time but I definately needed space.

She may, as a result of your relationship, find a safe space in your arms though I wouldn't count on it and I wouldn't take it personal if she doesn't. If she does though, you might take a page from that old children's admonition to be 'seen but not heard' - unless she breaks the silence and engages you. She might break silence and not engage you though - emotional vomit I would call it, just listen and keep the space safe. I know I said that I was going to tell you what worked for me and I've switched from talking about myself to talking about her but I still mean 'me' - it's what I needed.

If she doesn't react that way - if she looks for solitude, respect that. Make it safe for her to go away and come back. The concern in peoples eyes when I returned made me not want to come back - I had to make them feel better, assuage their fears. You may be feeling concern but you're also feeling love and adoration; let her see and feel the latter rather than the former.

I hope that helps some. I know she is worth it but dealing with this is not easy and you deserve a hug and so...

(((spwhite24)))

Welcome to the Community, Steven.

The Post-traumatic Stress Forum is here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=15
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pos...6/METHOD=print
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/p...sdisorder.html
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post..._treatment.htm
http://www.brainphysics.com/ptsd.php
http://www.phobics-awareness.org/ptsd.htm
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/...ily-member.asp

The Relationships & Communication Forum is here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=7
http://www.forests.com/ptsdrelat.html

The Caregivers Support Forum is here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20
http://ptsd.about.com/od/infoforfrie.../caregiver.htm
http://www.nattc.org/resPubs/trauma/caregiver.htm

Good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

You are the type of man that every woman dreams of and hopes for. I have a partner like you, the only difference being that I will never marry again, I was far too controlled and abused to be able to step into another situation that I was told "I own you! You're bought and paid for and I can do whatever I want"...I will never get over that and will never marry...though I am committed to my man and he me,

I know what your fiance is going through, it's that PTSD that stops me from ever wanting to be married again. I am free to come & go as I please and no one will ever own me again.

Your fiance would have similar feelings even if she can't identify them, even if she can't put her finger on what it is that is spooking her she will become what I call a relationship claustrophobic or a marriage claustrophobic. If you keep this in mind and understand that it may take a while for her to feel really comfortable, you may help her to work through it.

I will never change my mind though. I love my partner so very dearly but marriage is not an option...I can do the Goddess 1 year committment and I may do it every year for the rest of my life but that is as far as it goes...

I really wish you good luck and good love; you obviously love her very very much, and she is a very lucky lady,

Rhian

[spwhite24]

I thank you all for your input. I have been reading a little in books I got at the library on domestic violence and have really had my eyes opened alot. WOW! I can already say I can appreciate more where she is coming from. I have posted here and another web site forum. The idea has been shared with me to be gentle, kind, loving and supportive yet not to try to become her fixer or savior. This was on the other forum and I responded there but can any of you relate to this and explain it to me? I have encouraged her to seek professional counseling as I am not a counselor. I will always be there to listen and be supportive, but I want to be her husband not her counselor. Can you share anything on this thought to help me better understand?
Thanks again

[spwhite24]

Not sure what happened here. My reply did not post. Probably user error. HAHA
Well let me say I appreciate the input. I want to say thanks two those who sent me private messages as well. Sadly in being new to this web site I did not save them and so lost the messages. If it is possible could you send them again as you had some real insight I wanted to consider further. Thanks.
On another forum on the internet the idea was shared with me that while being loving and supportive I need to be careful not to become her fixer or savior. Can any of you relate to this idea and explain more detail on it?

Also I bought a book entitled "Healing from the Trauma of Abuse- a womans workbook" It seems from my prospective to be a very useful self help book in rebuilding self esteem and rebuilding. Have any of you seen this book or any others on rebuiling and healing aspects?
thanks again

[FooZe]

Hi Steven, welcome to PC!

Originally Posted by spwhite24

Not sure what happened here. My reply did not post.

It's OK to cancel that panic now. Nothing unusual happened -- you're just in moderation for your first few posts. Here's _sabby_'s account of it: Access for New Members. You probably also received a Private Message explaining that and a few other useful things...

I want to say thanks two those who sent me private messages as well. Sadly in being new to this web site I did not save them and so lost the messages.

You almost certainly still have those messages. They'll be preserved until you explicitly delete them.

You probably got to those PMs originally by responding to the "Your Notifications" link that shows up at the top right whenever you have any unread PMs or other messages. You can get to them anytime by either of two routes:

1. In the blue bar across the top of every forums page, click on Quick Links near the right end. Scroll down to the Miscellaneous section and click on Private Messages. Or...

2. At the left end of the same blue bar, click on My Profile. In the left column of the page that comes up, scroll down to the Private Messages section and click on List Messages.

Hope that helps.

I want to be her husband not her counselor

Please keep in mind what you want may not be what she needs at the moment.

[spwhite24]

Yes I have thought of that as well. I guess I will not know some of this for sure till she starts to open up more to me or someone. I just don't want to give up as I know she would not give up on me. I feel people are to quick to give up on some wonderful people in the world just cause "she or he has issues" Really who of us does not have some "issues." I know I do. However I also realize that one must be careful and I must act in her best interest as well. After all that is what it means to love someone is it not??

[lisadhum1]

I will say this spwhite24: with my husband's issues, a lot of the time I play mommy and therapist more so than wife and I didn't realize it until perhaps it was too late. You need to keep that line drawn and at times it may suck you in but in the end, yes, you are the husband and doing what you are doing now is greatly admired in my book.

Being scared can be a positive thing. One of my mantras if you will is the metaphor of going to the dentist or some equal fear, once you get in the chair and realize it's not so bad you start to forget why you were so afraid in the first place. You're doing a good job and you'll be an amazing husband!

you sound like a really caring guy. if you tell her how much you love her and ask her how best to help her then she can tell you what she needs right now.

[spwhite24]

Well it has been a while. Since I first posted this. I really need to vent a little and you all were very helpful before.
The bad news is that in my sweethearts own word after months of trying to deal with her panic emotions, she feels as if she has gotten no where. She loves me so much and wants to marry me but her panic is off the scale.

The good news is that she has followed my suggestion in making and appointment with a counselor. She has done this by herself and has not given up even though I am 1500 miles away. To me that says something about her and the relationship.

Sadly she is so dicouraged that even though she is going to counselor within days now, she feels as though she is a lost cause. She said she loves me so much, she feels she should let me go. I have patiently and lovingly encouraged her to just relax and lets see how the counseling might help. Perhaps she will gain a new prospective in the next few months. That is my hope. Counseling helped me in this way after my divorce. I guess I am just writing to see what all of you have to share and to vent. Have any of you had experence with this? The counselor I talked to said she could help her with this and to tell her not to give up. I hope she is right. I am commited to her and will stand by her for the long haul, but I really hope she can regain at least some hope. Maybe if she starts to feel a little benefit from the counseling, perhaps feeling more in power of her emotions, she will begin to have more hope of over coming this to the point of being able to better prospective of our relationship. UGH!! I am just going on and on here. UGH!! Anyone have any thoughts??????
Thanks for letting me vent at least
Love doesn't come easy, not of value comes easy

[spwhite24]

OOOPs that was suppose to be "nothing of value comes easy"

[Belle1979]

You are so right, love doesn't come easy and you are a great guy to keep reassuring her. Just keep doing what you are doing. Counselling helped me get to know myself, find out who I REALLY was (yeah I need a top up ) and learn to try to control my emotions... ups and downs are a killer and I don't have the issues that your GF does.

[mysecretname]

spwhite..... there is one thing that I feel (and I may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time) that may have been overlooked. You have said that you are in it for the long haul, which is admirable as I am in semi-similar situation. But what crosses me wrong is that the way you write, you are putting all of your hope into counseling and it making things better and you can go on about life like it was before.... One question I would ask you to think about now instead of later is this...

What will you do if the counseling doesn't change anything or she decides she doesn't want counseling? Will you still stay with her and never get married as in Rhiannon's case or is marriage a must for you that you can not accept going without? I don't want to scare you off, but if you are going to say that you are dedicated and will be there for her, that includes if things get worse or stay the same, not just if they get better....

I hope that you do not take offense and that you have already thought and came to your decision on this. As someone in a similar position as you, I would hate for you to tell her you will always be there, and then decide it is just too hard....