[ChipmunkGal]

Please, please, please I beg anyone reading this post to provide feedback. Rather it be positive or negative, I just need someone to hear me out and say something, anything.

I've recently discovered that my "newlywed" husband has a sexual addiction. In particular, an addiction to porn. I'm devastated. He told me that he has been "battling" this for years and it has nothing to do with me....like he expects me to just accept it. On the other hand, he has been threatening to leave me and becoming very angry and harsh when I have been refusing to let him touch me and when I have crying/angry outburts since I found out about his "secret". I asked him why would he choose a woman on a screen and his hand over my body. All he can say is "She was available and you were not". Then I ask him why would he choose to look at another woman when he could have just used my pictures online to please himself instead. His response "looking at your pictures makes me angry, I have tried it".

We have a very active sex life, and typically have sex twice a day, daily and are very physically affectionate. I like to dress up for him and we do things to make it "exciting" but still despite this, he chooses a woman on a screen. I feel like this is a form of cheating. Even worse, I feel totally betrayed, worthless and disgusting. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I please him? I'm shocked because I thought he was satisfied sexually. I keep thinking about all of the conversations we had (before I found out about this issue) in which he would express to me how beautiful he thought I was and how great our sex life was....but those all feel like lies now.

Some of you reading this may have seen my other posts in which I've shared my struggle with body image issues/anorexia etc. Knowing that he prefers a woman with plastic surgery/fake over my body makes me feel even worse. I'm afraid to eat now. I keep thinking if I stop eating I could lose the rest of the weight I need to lose and then he wouldnt go elsewhere for sex. :'( To make matters worse, since I lost so much weight (I've managed to fit into a size 0 and children's size clothing now) my breasts are very small. He MUST be going to another woman because I'm just a worthless fat cow with no breasts. What do I do now? Why is he not choosing me? Why does a woman on a screen win him?

[lynn P.]

((ChipmunkGal)) -I responded to your other thread in the 'divorce forum'. Sending good vibes and take some calming deep breaths dear.

My hubby looks at porn and the way I found out was by walking in on him one day ! I laughed I found it funny, its just the way it affected me.

I then had a go at him for trying to keep it a secret from me as I was more upset by that fact than that he was actually looking at it.

I asked him why he does it and he replied 'because sometimes its just easier, all I want is to be satisfied quickly and not get into actually making love'.

I can understand that so accepted it. The only proviso I put was that if I ask him if he has been looking at porn then he tells me the truth. So far he has owned up everytime.

I hope you can work this out with your hubby.

[bebop]

for me if my husband were doing that would be ok as long as he still took care of me in that dept. sometimes they just need a "quickie" . don't think of it as you are not good enough hon. maybe he just needs it a little more often at this point in time. how old is he if you don't mind me asking?

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Some of you reading this may have seen my other posts in which I've shared my struggle with body image issues/anorexia etc. Knowing that he prefers a woman with plastic surgery/fake over my body makes me feel even worse. I'm afraid to eat now. I keep thinking if I stop eating I could lose the rest of the weight I need to lose and then he wouldnt go elsewhere for sex. :'( To make matters worse, since I lost so much weight (I've managed to fit into a size 0 and children's size clothing now) my breasts are very small. He MUST be going to another woman because I'm just a worthless fat cow with no breasts. What do I do now? Why is he not choosing me? Why does a woman on a screen win him?

Please don't lose anymore weight, sounds to me like you are small enough. I know that you feel like your weight is something you can control when everything else that is happening feels like it is out of your control... I use my weight in the same way

I have super small breasts, it's how I am built. My sister has a nice 'set' .. but she hates hers just as much as I hate mine LOL. If he didn't find you attractive in the first place he wouldn't have married you - therefore you are attractive to him.

I think that porn gives a guy a quick release.. they don't have to think, they just 'do it' and watching others have sex is either a turn on or not.

Is it a possibility that you can either go to couples counselling together about this? Or maybe try watching the movies together (from what I have seen most of the girls really aren't that attractive! usually have zits on their asses - hope that makes you laugh!).

Don't think of the movies as competition - they can't compete with you as you are REAL xx

[lynn P.]

Since you posted this thread in Divorce forum as well. I gave my answer there, but I'm going to paste it here. I think it's important to realize that Chipmunkgal's husband ADMITS that he's "been battling this addiction for years", so I think this proves this isn't a simple case of moderate porn viewing. Here's my post:

((ChipmunkGal)) - right now I want you to take some SLOW deep breaths and listen. To be honest I was a little concerned for you because you had a bad break up a few months ago and then a whirlwind courtship with a new fellow and subsequent marriage.

Since he had this BEFORE he met you - this isn't YOUR FAULT at all. The fact he admitted it, is a good sign. It has nothing to do with how you look. Your weight and the way you look is fine...don't change a thing. He has an addiction and possibly an addiction to sex, since you're having it twice a day and he's also supplementing with masturbation. Now masturbation IS normal and even porn in moderation isn't too bad.

Is he is treatment for this. He needs to be in treatment but he needs to want to get away from this. The way you look or how good a wife you are, has nothing to do with this. I think you should give him a limited time, on the condition he seeks treatment.

What does worry me, is him saying "he feels angry when he looks at your picture" and that he gets angry when you don't want to have sex. If he continues to verbally abuse you or strong arms you at all...you should leave immediately. Remember this isn't about you - this is his problem.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Lynn x Better to know a bit of background behind it

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

His response "looking at your pictures makes me angry, I have tried it".

That is disturbing to me. You and he are newlyweds and he is angry when he looks at your picture? I think this goes beyond his porn addiction. If one partner is so angry this early in the marriage, it doesn't bode well. (When anger is there, it often builds up slowly over time.) Can you two go to a couples therapist and work on some of this? A good therapist could help with the anger issue, the porn addiction, sexuality in the marriage, and perhaps refer you for individual therapy for your eating issue (please do not lose more weight--a size zero is not a "fat cow"!).

My ex-husband was also into porn. I was shocked when I discovered his habit because he rarely wanted to have sex. Even when we first met, he had extremely low sex drive, and it didn't increase as the years passed. Then I find out he is wasting his few and far between moments of arousal and being in the mood on his hand instead of with me? I felt very betrayed.

Good luck to you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello chipmunkgal,

The others have given you really good advice. I can't add to it so I'm just going to offer you my support and reiterate what Lynn has said and that is to maintain your breathing and take slow deep breaths in through the nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your lips. I really hope you can sort this out, you shouldn't be in this pain

[DaveyJones]

Hey there...

Someone up the thread suggested a deep breath, that's a good idea...

Your husband is not choosing a picture over you. You have an active (I'm jealous!) sex life, he doesn't seem to have any issues with you.

Internet porn is a terrible addiction. It's very quick and easy. The problem is that the stimulus (pictures) and response (orgasm) occur very quickly so the association becomes very powerful very quickly. Guys tend to be quite visual in their arousal (think of dress-up, etc.). We look at pictures. We're kind of like fish..OOH, SHINY THING, LOOK! (ROTFL)

Because this association is so powerful, it is very difficult to treat. IMHO he does not have an emotional attachment to those women. This is not because of something wrong with you! He learned this when he was young, and to be honest it probably will not change. If you two are good in your relationship otherwise I wouldn't worry too much. If that changes, it probably would have anyway. Love him for who he is, I bet he'll do the same.

Go give him a hug! Or....

[purple_fins]

Im going to be the odd one out here again....

I think if it's really upsetting you and you are in a loving relationship then the person doing the upsetting should-- if he/she loves you-- cease any unnecessary behavior. That is what mature love is.

The way I see it-- this "pop culture" is VERY OK with sexually objectifing women and thinks it's fine if a married man does so on his own, away from his partner-- I doubt that men would be so accepting if the tables were turned-- I can almost guarantee that they would feel about the same as you do.

What you feel is of a healthy frame of mind-- one that respects a union between a man and woman. I imagine one hundred years ago everyone would have agreed with your feelings and thought your husband as not acting very loving towards you.
I think your value is beautiful and unfortunately these days-- becoming more and more rare.... as people are taught to spit on the sacred and intimately private union of a man and woman.
Marriage doesn't have the value it used to, sadly.

***Please note-- I am NOT religious... NO No..... I just believe in respect, love and the value of ones feelings and the idea of a loving marriage.... where both partners feelings are considered.

I wish the best for you..... whatever you decide and/or happens.... I hope it gives you much peace within self.

respectfully,
fins (I'm sticking my neck out here... as it seems people get offended with my stand on this subject.. but I wanted you to know there is another way to look at this and that you are not alone or wrong in feeling upset)

[lynn P.]

Im going to be the odd one out here again....

I agree with you ((fins)) so you're not the odd one out.

[purple_fins]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I agree with you ((fins)) so you're not the odd one out.

Wow!!
Cool!
Thanks so much for saying so Lynn

fins.... who often feels so alone, but not right now!

[lynn P.]

I feel perplexed a little. I understand that porn is available with click of a mouse - it's not like the old days where you had to go to a dingy corner store and secretly buy it. I don't approve of porn but I'm realistic and understand that some people can handle it in 'moderation' and I put this is quote. I also fully support a mans or woman's right to masturbate - what ever happened to good old imagination.

If you read CG's post, you'll see that she's newly married - her husband isn't being very kind and he already insulting her and scolding her, when she doesn't want to have sex -even though it's twice a day. There's also a very IMPORTANT point she made and that's - her husband admits "he's been battling this ADDICTION for years". This isn't a simple case of a hubby getting his occasional jollies from porn, where she can just look the other way. He admits he has a problem. I think he may even be addicted to sex. I doubt the average Jane really wants to have sex twice a day for years on end. What's going to happen when she gets tired of doing it twice a day - he gets mad at her - is this normal? I don't get how some are saying - it's okay he's just a normal guy - your marriage is fine.

[ChipmunkGal]

Thank you all Im reading through everyone's posts. <<< hugs >>> I'm still dealing with this and haven't stopped thinking about it much over the past week. I appreciate everyone's feedback, thoughts and support.

[mysecretname]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I feel perplexed a little. I understand that porn is available with click of a mouse - it's not like the old days where you had to go to a dingy corner store and secretly buy it. I don't approve of porn but I'm realistic and understand that some people can handle it in 'moderation' and I put this is quote. I also fully support a mans or woman's right to masturbate - what ever happened to good old imagination.

If you read CG's post, you'll see that she's newly married - her husband isn't being very kind and he already insulting her and scolding her, when she doesn't want to have sex -even though it's twice a day. There's also a very IMPORTANT point she made and that's - her husband admits "he's been battling this ADDICTION for years". This isn't a simple case of a hubby getting his occasional jollies from porn, where she can just look the other way. He admits he has a problem. I think he may even be addicted to sex. I doubt the average Jane really wants to have sex twice a day for years on end. What's going to happen when she gets tired of doing it twice a day - he gets mad at her - is this normal? I don't get how some are saying - it's okay he's just a normal guy - your marriage is fine.

I think the problem here is that there were multiple posts in different areas and not everyone has the whole story... You have brought in information that was not in this current thread, so thank you for that so that everyone can get the "big picture".

I agree that this is a big issue. Not because he is simply looking at porn or that he is masturbating, personally I don't think that there is anything wrong with either one of those things. One thing that women don't understand is that for men, the urge to masturbate and the urge to have sex are very different and completely separate. I have been in relationships where I had sex more than twice a day and still needed to masturbate and I have had times with the complete opposite with very little sex and very little masturbation. I guess I have rambled a bit, but the point is that they are separate urges and I honestly think that no matter how satisfied, beautiful, sexy, desirable, and downright perfect my partner is that occasionally the urge to masturbate will still arise, even multiple times a week or day. Do not take this as you will never be good enough, it is in the way men are wired and should in no way reflect on you as a woman. But all of this would only matter if this was a "normal" bout of porn and masturbating, which this is not.

This is a serious problem that him and you both should seek counseling for. I agree with the points made above. Getting angry at looking at a picture of your partner definitely points to a much deeper issue and he has admitted (which is good) that he has been battling this for years. Even without that he has been aggressive, verbally abusive, threatening and they are still newlyweds. Any of these by themselves would require some serious work to resolve with or without a counselor. All of these issues combined means you definitely need to seek help.

As for you, I am sure even without ever seeing you that your body is not the issue. I know exactly what size you are, as you are the same size as my girlfriend. She is also a size 0 and can wear (and does sometimes) childrens clothing and is usually around 90lbs or so. I don't know how tall you are, but she is 4'11" so she is at least proportionate although her friends and I have to make sure she doesn't drop any weight, if it was up to her she would. It is important to not watch the numbers or the sizes but to just be healthy. Being healthy in mind and body is the most important.

Oh and she does the same with her size/weight, she says it is one thing she can control and she sure as heck make sure she does....

Hope that helps and sorry to write a book on you...

[leejones]

you have sex twice a day?????

every day??????????????????

and he still needs porn?

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by mysecretname

I think the problem here is that there were multiple posts in different areas and not everyone has the whole story... You have brought in information that was not in this current thread, so thank you for that so that everyone can get the "big picture".

I agree that this is a big issue. Not because he is simply looking at porn or that he is masturbating, personally I don't think that there is anything wrong with either one of those things. One thing that women don't understand is that for men, the urge to masturbate and the urge to have sex are very different and completely separate. I have been in relationships where I had sex more than twice a day and still needed to masturbate and I have had times with the complete opposite with very little sex and very little masturbation. I guess I have rambled a bit, but the point is that they are separate urges and I honestly think that no matter how satisfied, beautiful, sexy, desirable, and downright perfect my partner is that occasionally the urge to masturbate will still arise, even multiple times a week or day. Do not take this as you will never be good enough, it is in the way men are wired and should in no way reflect on you as a woman. But all of this would only matter if this was a "normal" bout of porn and masturbating, which this is not.

This is a serious problem that him and you both should seek counseling for. I agree with the points made above. Getting angry at looking at a picture of your partner definitely points to a much deeper issue and he has admitted (which is good) that he has been battling this for years. Even without that he has been aggressive, verbally abusive, threatening and they are still newlyweds. Any of these by themselves would require some serious work to resolve with or without a counselor. All of these issues combined means you definitely need to seek help.

As for you, I am sure even without ever seeing you that your body is not the issue. I know exactly what size you are, as you are the same size as my girlfriend. She is also a size 0 and can wear (and does sometimes) childrens clothing and is usually around 90lbs or so. I don't know how tall you are, but she is 4'11" so she is at least proportionate although her friends and I have to make sure she doesn't drop any weight, if it was up to her she would. It is important to not watch the numbers or the sizes but to just be healthy. Being healthy in mind and body is the most important.

Oh and she does the same with her size/weight, she says it is one thing she can control and she sure as heck make sure she does....

Hope that helps and sorry to write a book on you...

Thanks for explaining things from a guys perspective and I agree with everything you said. I'm completely understanding that men and women for that matter will masturbate even though they have sex with their partner. I also know that many people can handle a moderate amount of porn and it doesn't interfere with their partners happiness.

As I said earlier - Chipmunkgals partner claims he has an addiction and it seems there are other problems as well. Hopefully he's not addicted to sex too.