[Belle1979]

hey all..

I saw my T last night. Was a good session... I cried A LOT.

The thing that I have to focus on is that I am not a failure and the reason for the end of the relationship with Louis wasn't MY fault. That if anything he was the one that had issues.

A few things came out of the session.. the main one being that i am to get off the dating sites (I did that last night). When my T asked me to it was like he was asking me to cut my leg off .

Seems that I have a "NEED" to be in a relationship to feel whole... its probably true. I have never been single since I was 15 until this year and even then I am searching..

I do feel that I am pathetic... 30, single, living back at home.. I feel that I have to have someone or I am a failure.. worthless and well not NORMAL.

We are going to work on that haha... I am having weekly sessions - don't think even after the Mark thing I had weekly sessions.

Anyway... I wrote to Louis on FB and then deleted him - damn it hurts.. hurts so much!

this is what I wrote:

October 5 at 8:01am
hey,

I have sent you emails and as you haven't replied well.. guessing friendship really isn't something that you want with me LOL
I know that you are busy with your "new" chickies Its good that you can move on so fast really - guess it does prove that there was nothing but smiles between us.
I opened up to you and trusted you and well yeah got hurt.
Don't even know why I am bothering to write this, its not like you care LOL

Anyway.. rather than have "death by 1000 cuts" - how it feels now that it is over.. I am going to delete you from my FB. I realise that you probably wont even notice haha and thats sad.
Any way if you do actually want to be friends.... send me a friends request sometime.

You missed out on a wonderful thing... ME!

I would say "be good".. but whats the fun in that.

I do hope that you find the one that you are looking for.. scary part about that is that I am sure you are saying all the same things you said to me to another girl .. It opened my mind to dream again..... it was nice but heart breaking.

Anyway. Take care and like I said if you actually want to be friends then send a request or text me when you are back in Perth if you are not too busy on your dates

Belinda

What I am hoping is that by making this choice myself I have gained a little control back over how I am feeling

Its going to be a hard long road again.. I know it was only 3 months.. totally pathetic to be this depressed.. but he was my first after Mark and he made me dream again. Made me feel like there was going to be a happy future.

The thing that I am going to work through first is getting that confidence that i know I have back... to stop feeling worthless and like I have achieved nothing in my life but pain...

[Christina86]

Hey Belle! Good for you.

I think a lot of people feel like they need to be in a relationship to be happy/healthy/whole, so you're not alone in feeling that way.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Christina.

I don't like the fact that I did it but I think I needed to get some control back over my emotions and buy removing him well I have tried to take some power back

I know that I am not alone in the feeling of needing to be in a relationship.. but I have to learn that it doesn't make me whole and that no one should be able to have that much influence over who I am or what I feel. I just want to get back to the happy place that I was in even though I was single.

[Elana05]

Hi Belle1979,

Thanks for sharing that. It sounds like you are working really hard in therapy.

I can really relate to this part:

Originally Posted by Belle1979

I feel that I have to have someone or I am a failure.. worthless and well not NORMAL.

It is for something else for me(repace "relationship" with "work"). People (like therapists darn it ) are always saying it is supposed to be the other way around, first you see yourself as a good, upstanding person who is full of worth, then the relationship or job comes later. But... how? I guess that's where T comes in.

E

[Belle1979]

So true Elana

I just want to be happy and I guess that i have to find the happiness in myself (it must be there somewhere!) and THEN find the relationship that I want...

To be honest I still feel horrid for deleting him from my FB... but well how else was I going to be able to move forward?

I am a hopeless romantic and just wanted it all to be well.. a fairy tale... I finally thought that this was going to be my turn to find the happiness.

[Belle1979]

he replied

Hey,
I dont really understand why you are being so rude. I havnt replied to some of your messages cos I finish work each day and I am completly buggered, I did say when we broke up I will be intouch with you when i get back to perth. Not ignoring you at all. And just so you know, and even though its non of your business, im not busy with any new "chickies" and if i do meet someone that i like then we'll see what happens. And about the whole thing of telling them exactly what i told you...........I mean common grow up. We are not kids any more.
I see that you have deleted me cos i did not reply to your emails, and yes i would still like to be able to chat to you. But you deleted me, so if you wanna be friends and stop acting like child and gather the courage to request me again i would happily accept your request but I'm not into playing games so if i dont hear from you, just want you to know I had fun you are a great chick and I hope you find the right person for you in the near future

I wasn't playing games... I wasn't being 'childish'

Was the email rude?

It actually took COURAGE from me too delete him

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

I see that you have deleted me cos i did not reply to your emails, and yes i would still like to be able to chat to you. But you deleted me, so if you wanna be friends and stop acting like child...

I think you were BRAVE and WISE to delete this guy.
I can't believe he wrote "stop acting like a child!" He's the one acting like a child.
Grrrr.
The way it goes is you write someone e-mails and they respond to you, even just to say, "hey, sorry I've been too busy to respond but I will soon." And if someone doesn't even respond but rather just disappears, you have the right to feel hurt and get mad. Then his response should be "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
I know you didn't ask for our opinions here Belle, but I still think you were right. He sounds controlling to me. You don't need 'im.
I know it's hard... try to just let it go.

I believe you did the right thing.

hugs.

Elana

[hoping4best]

Belle i dont mean to be harsh at all, but my experience tells that even though we feel a need to have a proper closure wid the guy, on the other hand the guy gives **** to whatever we have got to say. We speak our heart out,and they think thats just ********! I was heart broken when i realized this,but thts just how mind of most of the guys work.

[hoping4best]

And im proud of u to be courageous enough to delete him ..and i really hope that u remain strong and dont send him request again,cuz i deleted the guy (he was someone i had met online and we became great frnds ,then he went abroad) and added him again for like 20 times,and im NOT exaggerating!

[hoping4best]

I think it will help u move on if u dont get to see what he is upto on facebook and whether or not he is meeting other girls/women. be strong, u r not alone!

[lynn P.]

((Belle)) - I'm going to be very honest with you because you deserve it. I'm going to try to see this from both sides. If I only sympathize with your pain, this will only prolong your discomfort. Since you're in the middle of this unfortunate situation, you may not be able to see this objectively. It's not always easy to go immediately into 'friendship mode' after being intimately involved - not everyone can do this and certainly not right away. You're still hurting and you feel mad - that shows in the email you sent him.

I think it would have been better to wait on the friendship rather than sending him several emails. I agree it's fine to send one email and really vent how you feel but, then leave it at that. You may even find you can't be friends and that's okay, after all you don't have a long history together or kids together lol where a civil friendship is necessary. Truly I can understand why he was upset in his email to you but he was harsh - you were hard on him too I think.

I know it's irritating the way he seems to be moving on easier and even bouncing back on the dating scene. He's free to do this since he's single again. I understand it's painful but nothing you can do really.

At this time I don't think you're ready to be friends with him. When a romantic relationship ends, there's a long process both people go through before they can be 'friends'. When one person can truly feel peace and happy if the other one finds a partner - this is an indicatiion you can be a friend. When you're no longer mad, hurt and feeling resentful -then you can let friendship in. At this time you're not ready and may not be ready. You also can't force a friendship. What you need right now is distance from him Belle - don't communicate or look him up on Facebook or dating sites. I hope you feel better soon.

[John25]

Deleting someone from FB is one thing. But that rude mail wasn't necessary. Yes, I think it was rude.

[eskielover]

I understand that you feel that your email to him was giving you a feeling of control, but you also need to understand that he needed the same sense of control that you did in ending the relationship. To be quite honest, both were childish emails throwing it into each others lap to request friendship & blaming each other for how the relationship turned out.

When I got out of high school in 1970 (ages ago....yea, I know), I had a long distance relationship with a guy who led me on to think we would get married, then he turned around & married another girl from where he lived. A few months later, I got a letter (before email) telling me what a mistake he had made getting married to her & wanted to get back together with me. It was when I was still 17 (graduated from high school at a younger age)......it made me realize that there wasn't a guy in this world that I would allow to jerk me around like that & I didn't NEED anyone to make me happy but focusing on what I wanted to make out of my life myself. It wasn't until I was 22 that I got into a serious relationship. Just before we got married, I realized that I really didn't like his personality or his values as they were not compatible with mine but he was a very nice person & stupidly, I listened to my Mother tell me that HE WOULD GROW UP & MATURE as he was young at 23. Well he never grew up & I had 33 years of a miserable marriage until I finally left 3 years ago. I had my college degree & I had my career that was where I hid away in our marriage even though we had a daughter.

After leaving 3 years ago, it was the most freeing feeling I have felt is all those 33 years.....I didn't need a man to define who I am.....I was finally able to go back to the values I had before I got married & quit living with the stupid financial values I allowed him to drag our marriage into.....it was easier than fighting & I got something out of it also that I shouldn't have allowed to happen.

Bottom line from my years of experience....if you don't define yourself without a relationship with someone, you will never KNOW WHO & WHAT YOU STAND FOR....or WHAT YOUR VALUES ARE. Once you know yourself then you can find someone who is compatible with you instead of always becoming what someone else wants you to be.....many years later, always being what someone else wants you to be ends up being a regret, not a blessing. Having a compatible marriage in all areas is very important.....sexual relations is not a majority of what life is about & when you live your life being what others want you to be rather than what you really are is definitely not a healthy relationship.

Being happy with yourself & knowing yourself, will open you up later to find the right guy for the rest of your life.

Keep away from this guy...as Lynn has said, being friends at this point isn't even a reasonable thought. Staying completely away from him until you don't experience the feelings you are going through right now (your email came across to me, saying how much you still want him, but you won't go to him, he has to come to you. The undertone of your email almost sounded like you were begging him to ask you to be friends).....once you get over those feelings, then you will be on the road to finding yourself & defining who you are....only then will you be truly ready to allow anyone else into your life.

This is another really good reason why NOT to get intimately involved in a relationship quickly......intimate relationships bring out deep emotions (especially on the female's part) which when pulled away by someone who doesn't feel the same about the relationship as you brings about depression.....just a fact of the way emotions work....this is why we are seeing so much depression in the young children who are playing the games with intimate relations.

As females, we need to be in control of our emotions & only let them out to those who deserve them......we also need to be in control of our emotions & know the reality of the relation before allowing ourselves to get involved.....only then will you be able to develop a truly lasting relationship....the kind you want your fantasy to be all about. It takes responsibility of the womans part to find & allow the right man into the relationship that will become what you truly want.....not every guy you come across is one you should allow to even try for that position. It's important to be selective & to be discriminant & take a lot of time to determine. If the guy is truly the right guy, he will be wanting to make sure of the same thing you are.....finding the right person for the lasting relationship.

Just because society is pushing people the way it is with relationships doesn't make it right & we are definitely seeing that it isn't working.

Don't mess with him in the future....he is definitely not someone you would even want to be involved with.....& one can't live in fantasy land....nothing counts but reality when it comes to relationships.

LOVE IS NOT BLIND....never kid yourself about that.......sensuality is blind, but love isn't......love is never there in the first place in all those marriages that are all breaking up so quickly.....it's nothing but lust....not love.......ah, so much for my soap box which comes from all the experiences I have gone through & all the first hand observations I have come across.

Take care of yourself & learn what makes YOU HAPPY without it being based on anyone else....that is when you will truly be ready for a mature relationship.

(((((belle)))))

belle, i don't know if it helps to realize that most of us giving you advice have learned these lessons the hard way too. we've experienced much heartache as you are now experiencing and sometimes we've made the same mistakes in relationships over and over before we finally realized we had to do things differently. none of it is easy to do (but so easy to say) and it is a process, but i think as you come to realize what a valuable person you are you won't feel the need to rush into relationships either physically or emotionally or feel like you have to stay friends with a guy once a relationship ends. it's okay to say no and set boundaries with guys. be true to yourself beautiful belle.

[hoping4best]

I agree with eskielover she has said wonderful things about emotions.

[momoko]

I have also been in relationships since I was 15 and am currently struggling with constant fear and worry about my current relationship because I feel I cannot be alone. Even though there are no signs of breaking up I am worried about when it will end. It's awful.

Therefore, I understand why you feel compelled to always be in a relationship and about being "whole". I don't think it's unhealthy to always be in a relationship, only when it becomes something where you don't feel well when you aren't, which seems to be part of your (and my own) problem.

I don't think you are pathetic, you are obviously allowed to be upset when someone breaks up with you! So much can happen in 3 months and you can't help if you become attatched to someone. But just remember how much happened in those 3 months and move forward to experience all the things that will happen in the next 3 months.


My ex doesn't respond to my texts anymore and at first it upset me. But then I realized he is simply trying to move on and that maybe not getting a response gives me a reason to not care and also move on. Feel better soon.

[Belle1979]

Hey everyone

I didn't meant to stir up so much of a response but I do really appreciate everything that has been written.

This may be a very long reply.. I'll see how I go.

Firstly I had Yoga last night and it has made me feel very calm and relaxed about myself. I forgot how much I missed it and how much I do actually enjoy how I feel afterwards.

I have made no decision yet.
I have to follow my gut (it has been pretty accurate before) and trust my own instincts and feelings. I am feeling emotionally detached from the situation today.
Things I have to decide for myself are;
1.) If I do add him back then am I doing it because I want MORE than friendship.
2.) If I don't add him back with I regret the decision down the track?
3.) Is he the type of person I want as friend and nothing more.

I do appreciate all of the opinions and advice, really I do. So far my gut is leaning towards sending a friends request but not adding any 'message' with it.
I never expected him to reply to be honest.

Okay now to get to what everyone has written:

Elana
Yes I did feel and do feel brave to have deleted him. It was a hard decision for me to make. With Mark I let it drag on and on and on in hope that something would change. I did learn my lesson from that - hence I chose to delete Louis.

Jiakhan
I think that my email must have stung for him to have replied like he did.
You are sounding wise (keep strong in yourself too).
I created my own closure by deleting him. I know that it just ended. Things do and I realise now that it actually was through no fault of my own.

Lynn
I didn't feel like I was being hard on him. I was speaking from my heart.
I have to say that I have found peace in myself now. My head is telling me that I don't want anymore than friendship with him. He would be a fun friend to have.
I also don't mind that he is talking to other girls anymore. Trully I can't be angry at him for that as I am chatting to new guys too - which doesn't mean that I felt nothing for Louis and vise a versa.
The reason for deleting him from Fb was so that i didn't obsess over him.. I have found since I did that that I haven't looked at his page

John25

Can you explain why the email was rude? I didn't intend it to be rude in any way. I was expressing my feelings and thoughts and I was angry at him. I wanted to let him know the reasons for deleting him.

Eskielover
Yes both of us were well "b***hy" to each other in the emails. Mine in the "having fun with your new chickies" and his well with just about everything
It was more hurt talking from both our parts I think. Mine because he hadn't bother to reply and his because I took the initiate and removed him from something that he knows I spend a lot of time on and love.
I have had mature relationships... the one with Mark was probably more mature than I wanted but I was happy and I am always MYSELF. I don't change to suit others expectations and I never will. I grow into a partnership but that I think is different. Trying to enjoy the things that your partner likes but not giving away what you like is part of the 'coupling' in my opinion.

Bloom
I always love your words and your advice.
I do feel that I love myself today and that the depression is fading! It is a wonderful feeling and I am back on track to happiness in myself.
I have my "list" of positives that I used back in therapy long ago.. it is now well displayed again and I read it every day
If I do chose to stay friends with Louis it will be soley that I want him as friend. We did have great fun together - not just couple fun but just going to places that we both enjoyed and having a drink or bite to eat. He was my type of person...the type of person I would chose to be friends with if we met in a different way.

Momoko
After seeing my T I am taking a step back and I have looked at it from different angles.. I don't NEED to be in a relationship. I am a healthy, intelligent and attractive woman. I can be just as happy alone as I can in a relationship.
I have achieved a lot in my life (just have to remember this!).. I went back and studied my Dip. Building design and technology when I was 22 and going back to study was HARD... I own an investment property (well at 350k mortgage! but still).. I have no other debts. I own a brand new car outright. I have self respect and respect for others. I am my own person - just sometimes forget that.

Okay so in summary (haha).

I know you all care about me and I know that you all want me not to go through any more pain EVER.. but I guess the truth of the matter is that everyone is going to get hurt at some stage of their lives.. I have just had a shocking year!!
Everything that happens, happen for a reason and I can only get stronger.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right?

I am giving myself time to think about what to do with Louis. I have to NOT want anything more from him but sporadic friendship.. I am half way, maybe even three quarters of the way there... I know deep down that I wouldn't want him back becuase it wouldn't work anyway (there were doubts at the half way mark remember, but I didn't want to let him go then).

It's not a coin toss.. I actually want to make this decision based on my head and not on my heart

Thanks everyone xxx

[lynn P.]

((Belle)) - I'm fairly sure John25 was responding to your question as to whether your exes email was rude and not yours. Hopefully John will say for sure. I wanted to let you know so you don't feel bothered.

I truly admire you for even being able to open your heart after what happened with your other partner. I'm so far away from ever trusting anyone. You deserve to be happy Belle and I think you will find it.

[Belle1979]

Thank you Lynn
I'm not sure I should have trusted but I am an open person and I don't think I can go through my life with at least trying to trust again xxx
I think if I was in your situation I would have a hard time opening up and trusting ever again.
I am living by the adage of "I don't want to die wondering" for the moment...Just have to see what happens.

[John25]

Hi Belle,

Per your request I will explain why I thought that the email that you sent to Louis was rude.
I am not that good with words like all the other people who responded on your thread here, but I will try to explain as good as I can why I think that your mail was rude.

• You started the mail with blaming him already: you blamed him for not replying to your mails. However, as he mentioned in his response (and I think you also mentioned earlier in your own mails in your thread) he didn’t have the opportunity the last few days to keep writing back and forth. Why didn't you respect him in that? Also, in this matter I agree with what Lynn said: sending him several mails after your break-up wasn’t a good approach from the beginning.
• In the second line in your mail you are being suggestive with the words "him being busy with his new chickies". I don’t know why you mention it the first place because the two of you broke up...Also, he denied it, so it is your words against his, and...does it really matter? No, it doesn't, because you both broke up. Heck, you had already a date with another guy since the relationship with Louis ended, right?
• You ended the first paragraph with the remark that he wouldn't even care in reading your mail. This is another unpleasant remark, in my opinion...I think these kind of remarks just have set the tone for his response.
• Towards the end of the mail: it was nice of you that you wish him the best in finding the one that he is looking for, but...you couldn't leave it with that: you had to add that the next girl would be hurt the same way like you are. At least Louis showed the respect in wishing you to find the right person in the future. He didn't add any blaming here. This "blaming game" again...does this really help yourself for the future?

When you started your mail with the information that you would delete Louis from FB, I thought: great! But when I read the mail that you sent him, I noticed that you couldn't leave your own hurt and anger out of it. I wasn't really surprised about his response.

I am sorry, this is probably not the kind of mail you like to read but it is my opinion and of course, you can do with it whatever you like

Wishing you the best,
John

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Hey everyone

I didn't meant to stir up so much of a response but I do really appreciate everything that has been written.
This may be a very long reply.. I'll see how I go.

John25

Can you explain why the email was rude? I didn't intend it to be rude in any way. I was expressing my feelings and thoughts and I was angry at him. I wanted to let him know the reasons for deleting him.

Thanks everyone xxx

[Belle1979]

Hi John,

Every opinion is a valid opinion. I did not mean to be rude to him. What I wrote is ME and how I feel.

I never did say that the next girl would be hurt like I am hurting.

[Belle1979]

I sent him a friends request...
I was feeling super confident and strong yesterday.. I don't like to lose anything or anyone... I sent him the request in the knowledge that I cannot and never will have anything more than a friendship with him.

[lynn P.]

I think that was a good move to make Belle - good for you!

[Belle1979]

He said to re-add him.. well why hasn't he accepted yet? Playing games with me??... I feel the control of my emotions slipping away again..
Have to stay strong.

[eskielover]

As long as you have anything to do with him, he will have that control over you.....you are allowing it to happen to yourself. If you want to be in control, then you need to end the relationship completely.....that's really the only way for YOU TO BE IN CONTROL.