ewww i added himm

i added back my ex. unblocked. then deleted but left it unblocked and then i got anxious so i added him back PLUS his friend and now im just hiding the fact that i have them added at all by avoiding opening the msn messenger thingy.

i know i shouldn't add him back, and i know that either a.) he's blocked me so this wont matter b.) he'll try talking to me but be mean and humiliate me with his gf. or c.) be nice and talk to me like a normal person (HIGHLY UNLIKELY). a and b are most likely. c is what i wanna happen. actually i dont really WANT to talk to him at all, so i dont know why i even bothered adding him..

my emotions are being confusing again

annd now im going through old chat logs -_-

i'm hopelesss

I know what it's like
I deleted Lou from FB.. then sent a freidns request... then took it away when he hadnt added me in a reasonable time.. then tried again later.. then took it away again..
I wne tback through all the old chat logs on Skype.. all the things he said to me that seemed to be the dream v=come true etc.. did he meant it or not?? well not I guess.. or maybe just at the time...

When ever I emiled him (after the break up) I was S**t scared to open my hotmail incase he had replied or hadn't..

Deleted him darling... and if he wants to be friends then let him add you.

Stay strong and positive.. if you do then I will to

Hey ladies,hugs to both of u i have done this adding and deleting thing A LOT to James. And he accepted it each and every time. While guys responses vary,i think that us,women do so because we still hope to have that person in our life in some way.

so true!

lol so i added him but ran away to sleep and he messaged me at 1am in the morning saying that ifi didn't respond he'd go back and block me again but of course i was sleeping so i woke up all like 'damn..' but he sent me this thing, this website page, document thing of how he felt about the relationship and our break up, and i wasn't really happy with it, but it was peaceful without any resentment, and at the end it made me cry cause i realized he was no longer within my reach like he used to be.

i sent him a long e-mail a few moments ago in response to that, half hoping that becuz im blocked on messenger he won't get it. but it was really neautral. i didn't mention hurting, nor did i mention crying, or how wrong he was, or how my family hated him, etc. it was more or less an e-mail that had no intentions, but claimed that i was getting help, implying my capability of moving on, and saying the whole thing had taught me many valuable lessons, that i viewed him and our relationship has a thing that was needed so i could learn, and that i was thankful for it. it also said that i didn't feel like hanging on anymore, and that i viewed him as a friend that i couldn't have. i said that i would no longer feel guilty or upset about how things might have been my fault because it would be a waste of time, and the only thing i was sorry about was the fact that because rachel wont let him talk to me anymore, he's missing out on all my growing and accomplishments after he spent over a year, encouraging and trying to get me to this point.

of course most of this was said indirectly, but if he reads it, which half of me doesn't think he will, then i hope he gets that from it.

you're actually right. I usually always wanna stay friends with Jesse no matter what! I even got him to promise me that no matter what happened we would be friends forever, and he did. But as soon as I found out about him and Rachel he dropped me and all our promises like a rock just because she is insecure and jealous and doesn't want him to talk to me. It's completely unfair because while I had been with Jesse, after the first time she went with him, I never wanted them to talk, I was okay with him talking to other girls cause I ignored it and told myself I could trust him, but with her I would freak out if I found out she had contacted him in anyway because I knew how she was and what she would do. But she would always cross that line, constantly, she would talk to him behind my back and the day before they started cheating on me I had freaked out because she had tried to be friends with him and I tried to be calm and I tried to tell her I wasn't comfortable with it but she acted like my feelings were nothing, and apparently he did too.

I hate unfair treatment, it's my biggest pet peeve, but I was always getting this. But despite that I always still wanted to hold onto something I once had until I could gracefully, and slowly move away from that person as I met new people where it could come to a point where I didn't talk to them ever and I could delete them. But it was just so abrupt, I had barely a moment to grasp the fact until they took off.

I felt free and calm after I sent the e-mail but now the reality.. it's coming back to me and settling, and I'm hurting again. I really dislike heart break pain, it's worse than physical pain to me.

Physical pain you can see a reason for and try to fix it (be it a bandaid, panadol etc..) heart break is just there and you can't solve the problem easily.

My Ex used to say to me, that once I accept that people don't and wont be as nice/caring as I am and go out of their way to helps others, that I would be a happier person.

It all comes back to treat others as you wish to be treated.. when they don't respond in kind it jades your vision of the world (imo)

I have written many a "brave" email without showing my hurt.. how everything is fine in my life.. and yes sometimes it feels real but like you littleforgetmenot, the reality is that the hurt will be there no matter what face you put on or words you write xxx.

Take care sweet one

yeah. i was fine, and fine hurting just a little. and then my friend, aster, came back and suddenly as i showed him what jesse wrote in his webpage (him and jesse used to be good friends and he had helped us patch up our relationship in the past) while he read it i read it over as well, and suddenly i started noticing these facts in this story that wasn't true.. and it wasn't just because i didn't remember it that way, it was actually because i had journals, and chat logs, that proved this version wasn't accurate. the more i went through the page, the more i found, and the more frustrated i got. by the end i was so mad and i spent like a half hour ranting to aster. he was quiet as he listened to me, not really saying a thing, and told me it was good that i was letting it all out. when i was done i was at the resolve that i hated jesse to the core, and rachel and his own guilt had deluded himself into thinking that this was all an innocent mistake on his part. he even said he had left me with just a "good bye" but in reality the last time we spoke was when he was threatening to murder me. Even how he started cheating on me with rachel was completely wrong. he said it was because i had left him on the 13th of august, and then we got back together on the 15th when he had already started with rachel. which is WRONG. chat logs prove, that we had gotten into an argument on the 11th and the very next morning, i had gotten over it and we fixed it up. the rest was them. i have chat logs proving that i had told both of them i was aware that they were trying to contact each other and i wasn't comfortable with it. that was on the 13th. so basically the day before all of this started, rachel did a test, and then got my horrible reaction from it. she learned i was hurt by this little thing, insecure and paranoid, and so on the next day she perused. on the 15th she had asked me if i was okay because i seemed upset even though i was chipper and perfectly normal. now when i look back she was probably looking to see if i suspected or if jesse had told me anything.

it's so clear to me now, so bluntly obvious, what went on.. but for him he has this toned down, biased version, which is full of so many flaws it's sickening. i came to realize he was an extremely selfish person. so selfish that even though he had tried to tone down his actions in his story for his own justification i was sure, it couldn't mask how selfish it seemed. my feelings had been disregarded completely which further proved he didn't know a damn thing about how i felt.. even though i had explained it clearly to him throughout our relationship so many times.

On the bright side however, Aster, through my rants and anger, had taken a pumpkin that he had bought, and wrote down on it that he loved me (you know that nice friendship love) he showed me the pictures, and it completely dissolved my anger, and immediately made me extremely happy. after he left i just became calm, not angry anymore or sad, and i didn't think about it much. i dont know how i feel right now, i know im still a little irritated over it all when i go through it in my mind, but my over all feeling is just "ugh".

plus he never mentioned the fact that rachel had brought in that girl kelsie he went out with to deliberately break us up. he never mentioned the fact that since day 1, since she had learned i was going out with jesse, she wanted us broken up. he didn't mention the fact that through out our whole relationship rachel had been pushing me and pushing me to break up with him. AND he didn't mention the fact that the last time she went out with jesse, she said it was a cover for kelsie, just so, again, rachel could break us up.

he doens't mention these things in his story >_> deluded jerkk...

Now that you have read over it can you delete it? (my advice.. can give can't take it though )
I spent a month looking over Louis's chat with me.. the I LOVE YOU's, the I am so happy right now with you in my life.. its perfect.. blah blah..
re-analysing it doesn't help.. believe me..

You know the answers deep down inside and always have.. it's easy to see the good and not the bad.
You are at the anger stage and it's healthy!!

i can't delete it. jesse was a programming computer enthusiast and he made it a webpage. like he made one, and put down the whole story. i have NO idea why he would go to such lengths, but according to him while i had been sleeping , he had finished that a few days ago. the most i could do would be to not go on that page anymore and aggravating myself with the false facts.

as for the chat logs.. i keep them so i know exactly what went on. I dont USUALLY go over them unless I'm looking for proof or a key factor I can use. When he sent me that webpage I went through a lot of my old saved chats and messages which was why I had gotten so upset, if I hadn't had my proof I probably would have accepted his version. I'm sure in a few months when it's all blown over and I don't care anymore and I know that no matter what there is like a 0.1% chance he'll ever talk to me again, i'll probably delete it. but as it's so early, i keep it so i can't be taken advantage of with lies..

i'm glad it's healthy, but i don't know how long it'll last for i want to have the anger stage for a long time and not have to feel the sadness again... You're right though that i've always known the answers.. i mean i always had this gutt feeling that this would happen again. as long as there is rachel, there will be this cycle. as long as there was jesse, there would always be that other cycle. i knew this, and it was so obvious to me but i didn't want it, i wanted to ignore it. they all said i didn't trust and i was too closed off. but by even setting myself up for that risk i was already making their accusations irrelevant but they never noticed that, never noticed who i was and yelled at me when i didn't match up to the person they wanted me to be.

i didn't notice until just now, how unhealthy it was for me to be around these people. i think aster called rachel a toxic person when he found out everything. She was a poison i kept on drinking and it took me this long to realize. Jesse too was a poison i suppose.. but he was more of a drug, or an addiction. he was the substance that you hated, that you disliked taking, but you needed, and it gave you moments of pure bliss.. but there was the damage that with every dose got worse and worse but so did the attachment and addiction..

Wow. Now i can say I've been friends with a drug AND a poison. how interesting