[geez]

I have been married for 9yrs together for 13yrs. We have two young children. I'm not happy in my marriage. I don't know if it's all about him or is it really all about me. I love him but never felt head over heals in love with him but always thought he would be good for me and even thought there was a feeling inside of me that wasn't sure I decided that marrying him was a good thing to do. He has been good for me in many ways but on an emotional level I don't feel that way. I almost feel like I've been lying to myself for all these years and now I'm trying to make peace with that by finding some happiness or comfort for being in this marriage (I feel like I'm lying to myself for staying in this marriage because I'm not finding this marriage fullfilling). My husband doesn't spend much time with me but is great about being supportive in my individual interest. He won't go to marital counseling

I would like to find this marriage fulfilling but not sure that can happen.

Is there anyone else out there with this feeling of being unsettled in their marriage?

PS - he is taking me out next Sat for a nice dinner out but that doesn't magicly make me love him.

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by geez

Is there anyone else out there with this feeling of being unsettled in their marriage?

*shyly raises hand*
you are definitely not alone in this one...

[JustAPixie]

Wow, it feels as though you wrote that about my marriage. You are definately not the only one who feels a bit stuck and unsettled. I still think love is a choice, I don't believe in soulmates. I also love my husband, but I feel that he doesnt' really get my needs and we just kind of exist next to one another... I wish I had some good old fashioned advice to help with this predicament... maybe you should try drinking a glass of water upside down? (I suddenly miss my grandma... she always had such random advice)

This is a really tough problem, I think it's especially hard because on the surface it does not seem that there is any need for concern.

Wishing you luck and wisdom is all I can offer at the moment.

Pix

[geez]

Miracle and Justapixie TY so much for your reply. It makes me feel not so alone. Some of this I have talked about in therapy and my T says it's not all about me or all about him it takes two people in a marriage. I do have my flaws as so does he. I just wish this bad feeling would go away. I guess I need to suck it up and try a different approach perhaps? I told my husband this evening that we needed to do fun and different things together. Not sure where this road is taking me but we'll see. PM me anytime - anyone if you would like to discuss this or perhaps start a group??

Hello, geez. Make a list of "fun and different things." Ask your husband if he would be willing to try them. He might be willing to try at least some of them. You might want to do some of the things yourself even if he will not.

[Muser]

The Stages of a Relationship:

All you have to do is google this and you can find unlimited writings on this topic. The trick is...to figure out if your marriage is in a slump, if you are moving onto the next stage, or if you really married the wrong person. (which sometimes does happen) but say you do leave and start off with another man at some point, in 10 years or so you might find yourself about in the same place again only with more complications like step-kids and what-not.

http://gcuc.ncf.ca/relate5.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stages-o...hips&id=528343

http://www.relationship-institute.co...article_ID=153

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/stages.asp

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/stage...ationship.html

I'm not saying this is what is happening with you but to a large degree I have to agree with JustAPixie in saying " I still think love is a choice, I don't believe in soulmates."

After being with the same man for 23 years I felt I could not bear to live another day with him. I left....actually dated him about a year later only to leave him again for someone else. Strangely, after about 10 years into this new relationship I found myself behaving very much same way I did in my marriage and to be honest....I didn't like that person whom I had become again...didn't like her very much at all.

Fortunately I got a wake-up call. I had to face my own responsibility in BOTH relationships and well....become a nicer person.

Again, I have to reiterate...that was me....not necessarily you, but if you look at the stages of love you may actually find that you are moving into a level of deeper commitment.

One side note....there is no man that will love your children better than their father.

There are a lot of good, great, fantastic men out there. Just imagine if there is someone out there that thinks your husband is that guy for them. Would you really want to loose him to her?

Sorry if this is not in the direction you wanted to go. It's a very complicated topic to say the least. This comment is like only one grain of sand in all the beaches of the world that could be said bout it. Please take this as discussion and not criticism.

Lovingly,

[geez]

Muser thank you so much for your wisdom. Your words are just what I needed to hear. I will be reading the links you posted and will keep you all updated on this thread as I figure things out. Many hugs

[Muser]

I am hopeful I did not overstep or offend.

One thing my guy said to me when we were trying to get past our problems was that I acted like I didn't even like him. I was shocked....but then I took a hard look at my behavior. Instead of being angry all the time over gads of little things I try to concentrate on what is important. Thinking of us not being together was a lot worse than crumbs on the counter....but if something is important to me I try to "inform" him and he welcomes the info. I tell him in plain English what I need. He's not a mind reader. Me figuring "if he loves me he will figure it out" does not work.

If your husband doesn't spend a lot of time with you I wonder if you are available to him? Is he leaving you alone because he thinks you are busy with the kids? He might think he is doing you a favor and giving you space. For the longest time I was horribly hurt because my guy didn't get up and welcome me when I got home. I figured I'd might as well stay at work.....until I told him how it made me feel. Not in an accusatory way...but just simply explained. He did great with the information!! When he comes in the house he likes to go through his stuff and get organized first while things are fresh in his mind. He was giving me what he thought everybody liked.

The best I can give my guy is to treat him like the dear friend he is....with kindness and respectful communication. The fact that we are partners doesn't mean he deserves any less.

I wish you the very best, truly.

[jenkins09]

I see this so much, and have many friends whose marriages are ending because they feel that they are no longer "soul mates." It is usually the women who are saying this. I agree with the poster who said that you are in a new stage of your marriage. I also dont know your age, perhaps you are having a midlife crisis?

The one thing I do know is that the language that men and women speak is so incredibly different. I wish that we were given a manual before marriage so that we could communicate more effectively. It all comes down to learning how to speak each others language. My T loves the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' she just raves about it.

Have you honestly approached your husband in a non blaming way and said "I miss you?" or shared how you really feel? I would bet you he has no clue, I didnt. We men often go along, and have no idea our wife is about to walk out the door, and it isnt because we dont care, we just dont know.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Muser

I am hopeful I did not overstep or offend.

If your husband doesn't spend a lot of time with you I wonder if you are available to him?The best I can give my guy is to treat him like the dear friend he is....with kindness and respectful communication. The fact that we are partners doesn't mean he deserves any less.

I wish you the very best, truly.

Thanks again Muser for sharing your experiences. Me being available to him can be part of it. I'm not always available. - ok most of the time. I do however treat him with respect/we respect each other. Say please and thank you etc... I've been also begging him to go to counseling for like two years and he refuses to pay someone to listen to him/us. I do however go to my own T and try to work on my end of things on an individual level and how I am in my relationships.

I am trying and I read the articles. I guess i"m growing up at age 38 perhaps? Thanks for listening.

[geez]

Originally Posted by jenkins09

I see this so much, and have many friends whose marriages are ending because they feel that they are no longer "soul mates." It is usually the women who are saying this. I agree with the poster who said that you are in a new stage of your marriage. I also dont know your age, perhaps you are having a midlife crisis?

The one thing I do know is that the language that men and women speak is so incredibly different. I wish that we were given a manual before marriage so that we could communicate more effectively. It all comes down to learning how to speak each others language. My T loves the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' she just raves about it.

Have you honestly approached your husband in a non blaming way and said "I miss you?" or shared how you really feel? I would bet you he has no clue, I didnt. We men often go along, and have no idea our wife is about , to walk out the door, and it isnt because we dont care, we just dont know.

I have told my husband I wanted to go to marriage counseling and he won't go.

Jenkins I did read the book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus and it is a good book. I taught my husband some of what is in the book

Communication is key and that's one of our tough parts. I need to communicate to my husband that I need him to listen and not to fix me. - Kind of like how girlfriends listen to eatchother but don't try to fix eatchother unless one requests it. And I am 38 and trying to figure my life out I'm going to make an effort to do new and fun things with my husband and hope that helps. We need to be more than just parents.

Thanks for listening

[Muser]

Originally Posted by geez

I am trying and I read the articles. I guess i"m growing up at age 38 perhaps?

I've got you by more than just a couple and I refuse to grow up

Living with another person is a challenge no matter how old (or young) you are. That's why we lean on our friends....be they older or younger. Lean on me and I will in turn lean on you.

Thank you for bring up this topic. I value your insight as well.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Muser

I've got you by more than just a couple and I refuse to grow up

Living with another person is a challenge no matter how old (or young) you are. That's why we lean on our friends....be they older or younger. Lean on me and I will in turn lean on you.

Thank you for bring up this topic. I value your insight as well.

Lean on my anytime Muser.

[geez]

Since this posting my husband had a date night. We were able to have a nice dinner out kid free!! great food and good conversation. I'm going to try an work on things more and offer some fun suggestions for us to spend some more together.

Thank you all for listening!

[Muser]

Glad to hear it!!

Wishing you the VERY best!!

[LookingforCalm]

I left my marriage too for pretty much the same reasons. He always made it seem like the problems were one-sided, that my feelings were me over-reacting, and didn't really respect much I had to say.

The thing about this stuff is knowing when you've had enough. For me, I hit my limit one night after years of BS, and decided to leave. As hard as it was, I did it, and I have no regrets.

You have think about what you want. I'm especially concerned with the fact that he refuses counseling. I simply don't understand why someone won't work on their marriage.