[myoasis89]

my bf has problems with being on time and meeting deadlines in his everyday life. Its difficult for him to meet deadlines in school, work friends and so on. He has done a lot for me, bought me a fridge when my parents didn't, stayed with me when i was confused about who I loved, him or an ex...the ex was abusive and I was really confused at that time...his mom makes me turkey sandwiches and food when I'm hungry.

I have him at my house, he is 25 and tring hard to get his degree done and become independent from his family. he is only allowed to stay the night once a week but he is allowed to hang out at my house until late on other days.

sometimes I feel like he dictates the time we spend together and he often tells me...he will be at my house at a certain time and does not ask.

he promised me the day before that he would come early and elave late saturday, we had previously spent the night together when we ahd dinner with his friend.

his internet went out so he couldn't work on his essay...he called the shaw guys in but they coudln't come in until 9 pm...he wasn't at my house until 10:30...then he said he coudln't hang out as late as he said...I exploded because I was excited to see him...and I ahte when people are not on time or do not stay until they had said...it amkes me feel like they are not following through.

Often I feel as though I have major trust issues...and little things will jsut agravate me...and I will not be loving if I don't get my own way...its really ahrd for me to hange...I don't want to be like this forever...for one it relaly hruts my bf when he feels that he fails...2 I hurt myself.

we've been dating almsot a year now.. and my bf always talks about marriage. ...I don't want to screw things up

[bridgie]

if he is late with every aspect of his life then at least its not just you he is doing that too. he has to work on his punctuality. you can dictate for yourself when he is allowed to come over and if he is late your plans may change. give him a time frame or something. also did he call and let you know he will be late>? is it just punctuality you are having issues with at this time or is this something easy to choose when there is something else truly bothering you??

[myoasis89]

I've had an abusive relationship before him...and I was blind to the abuse and allowed it to continue until i left the relaitonship...I look back on it and can't beleive I allowed someoen to treat me the way they did, there was emotional and physicla as well as sexual abuse.

I also had emotionally abusive parents and family emembers. The only close person I trust is my current bf...but little things get to me.

he told me he has trouble with punctuality...we tlaked about it and he said from now on...if he says he will be at my hosue at a certain time...he will be there...and if he says he'll stay till a certain time he will.

I'm better at managing my time and he admits that...I'm just afraid of being abused again, and there is always that worry in the back of my mind

I also get abused at work by coworkers...who tell me I'm a loser and treat me like crap...my bf defends me all the time and comforts me when these people hurt my feelings...he tlels me not to lsiten to them

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear that he's treating you this way. I'm more saddened that you are allowing him to treat you that way, in fact, you seem to be enabling him.

Step back away from your post and read it as though you were someone else and about to give good advice to the person who is in this situation.

YOU need to set times and days... it's called " a date." You can benefit from creating your own life without him, and then if he shows up and you happen to have an enjoyable time, it's an accent to your already enjoyable life.

I suspect that your past negative relationships with men is the reason you allow this behavior from him. And people like him have a knack for finding people like you, to use. I suspect you may be as upset at yourself for putting up with him and needing him to be there for you, as you are upset at him for not being that person for you.

If you can't bear to break it off completely with this guy (unless you have something scheduled with other friends and invite him to show up, so if he does, fine, if not, also fine) then at the very least set some rules and stick to them for your own good mental health! Just my POV.

[turquoisesea]

This sounds very familiar to me. My boyfriend has scheduling issues too. They've only gotten a little better.

My advice - you can't change him. As much as you want to, that's who he is. The best you can do is ask for him to try, and be OPEN about how you feel, without being rude or mean. In a relationship both sides have to compromise, it's a matter of how much you're willing or able to do so.

It sounds like he has issues of his own that are getting in the way of the relationship. Is he getting any help for these issues? Therapy, doctors, someone else to talk to other than you, career or study counselors at his school? These things might take the pressure off the relationship a little?

[AAAAA]

We each have our own faults. I also find it very annoying when people do not do what they say they will when they say they will do it. It is important to remember that he is not doing this to annoy or anger you. Perhaps when he makes the plans he has every intention of doing just what he says but he over-estimates how much time he has. Sometimes life just happens.

You say that you feel as if he dictates the time you spend together, but what I hear is that you want to spend as much time together as possible and he is letting you know what time he has free. What more can a person do? If you feel that he is taking you for granted, then make your own plans and if his schedule interfers with yours it is his tough luck.

[boodles]

he is only allowed to stay the night once a week but he is allowed to hang out at my house until late on other days.

sometimes I feel like he dictates the time we spend together and he often tells me...he will be at my house at a certain time and does not ask.

myoasis, JD's advice to you is very wise. I hope you can stand back, look at this situation and realize that you have more value than to be told when he will spend time with you. A relationship is a two-way street.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I think that you do need to step back but you need to look at both of you. You posted recently about your explosion because you were hungry and your bf didn't turn up with some food for you when he said he would, but his father didn't allow him to leave the house very late (which I think was reasonable). You got really upset because he was eating which you felt very angry about.

Some times because we have high expectations of ourself we can develop very high expectations of others when we know they cannot abide by those expectations. Is it fair to expect him to live by your schedule when you know he won't turn up on time? Tell him you want to meet at 5 instead of 6pm. His parents are in the mix with a strong influence on his movements and curfews so that needs to be taken into consideration. Is it fair to try to force your own way when you know you won't always get it? That is throwing punches before you've even left your corner.

You are hurting both of you, and though he puts up with it now, how long will he? It isn't his fault that the repair guys couldn't get out until a certain time. I don't think he'd abuse them for that. I'm not having a go at you by the way, I'm just pointing things out that seem to be relevant.

Swallow the anger, and maybe try to discuss things rather than fight and you may find that both of you will be happier. I don't really see him abusing or being abusive to you in fact he seems to be the one who is making promises to change this that and the other but can he? You know when we try to bend others to our will it rarely turns out well, unless the bending is really needed.

I really wish you both all the very best, and peace both inner and outer

[AAAAA]

Very well put Moon. The baggage we carry sometimes makes things appear as they are not, both positive and negative.

[myoasis89]

Bf did it again...last night he asked if he could come over I said yes. The next day he had a bunch of things ot finish and he said he would be at my house at 2pm. Does anyone else see what is worng with this picture.

My whole day is wasted because i am waiting for him to finish things...and its my house...he is telling me when he is oging to come over.

I told him not to come that I wanted to go to the hot tub at the community centre and do studying.

Also I'm down with a sinus infection at the same time...and its relaly annoying...I feel like I don't get much sympathy from him on this subject either.

you know what else he said to me...it sounds sweet but in the shower he said...I don't look at your body I look at your face...it must be love....ick...hello???...are all guys like this. seriously...

[myoasis89]

ps...he didn't tell me he was coming to my house at 2 until 12:30

[myoasis89]

he also argues and tells me my thinking is illogical...that I get upset for nothing and should be happy I have someon who loves me so much. He says he puts my happiness before his??...it makes me feel like when i am upset I tell him...and he takes it personally....he says do you realise how much I do for you....I feel like he hates being wrong

[myoasis89]

Originally Posted by myoasis89

he also argues and tells me my thinking is illogical...that I get upset for nothing and should be happy I have someon who loves me so much. He says he puts my happiness before his??...it makes me feel like when i am upset I tell him...and he takes it personally....he says do you realise how much I do for you....I feel like he hates being wrong

I'm so frustrated right now...I don't know whether to get upset or just keep quiet...the last thing I want to do is not appreciate someone but as soon as someone steps on my toes, I turn on them.

[AAAAA]

Whether anyone thinks it is "wrong" for you to be upset is beside the point. You are upset. It is very likely that the source of this irritation/frustration is a combination of your issues and his personality.

Men sometimes do say the strangest things and think they are giving you a compliment. But who hasn't said something out loud that sounded better in their head?

It sounds to me as if the main thing that is irritating you is that you feel that you are putting your life on hold to suit his schedule. If this is the case, first let him know without putting him on the defense. "I feel you take me for granted when you do not give me much notice when you want to come over. Whether or not this is your intention, it makes me feel insignificant and unimportant when you say you will be here at 2 and arrive at 4." Then concider what you both can do so you don't feel this way.

I do not know if this is gender specific, but my husband thinks one kind gesture will excuse another oversight. If I've asked him to mow the lawn and he does not he thinks a foot rub will "balance the scale". The lawn still needs to be mowed.

It sounds like there are multiple communication issues going on. First it is really important that you understand what it is you wish to express. Next, equally important, that what you say and what he hears is the same thing.

On another note, I am sorry that you've got a sinus infection. I used to get them chronically. I rarely get them anymore thanks to a netti pot. I just had a doosey because I ran out of solution, it really makes a HUGE difference. They are cheap and work wonders!

[boodles]

myoasis, do you ever get the opportunity to say "hey, I'd like to go to [the movies] (fill in the blank with your own example) tomorrow" and have him agree?

Or are your visits together always decided by his availability?

I understand your feeling of being on "standby" for him and how much it frustrates you.

[AAAAA]

I have to say that I'm a bit troubled by the focus on his availability. I know that this can be a control issue however there have been times when I had more free time than my husband and vice versa. Perhaps the difference is that we both wanted to spend as much time together as possible. But on the other hand we each understood that until we got married we had other familial, educational, and employment obligations.

Something came to mind while I was thinking about this... It is much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I wonder how you would feel if he was honest and said "I am too busy to see you." That sounds rather harsh to me. Even though the broken dates would irritate me to no ungodly end, having a loved one tell me that he didn't have time for me would really hurt my feelings.

Maybe this isn't the right time for the two of you to have a relationship. Sometimes you find the right person at the wrong time.

[myoasis89]

Warning this might trigor

I have never had this happen...and I feel horrible

my bf started hitting himself infront of me and caused bruises on his face. He told me he can't take me complaining anymore and that I make him want to hurt himself and commit suicide.

I complained that I thought we were oging to have a romantic evening and it tore at me becuase I did all these romantic gestures before he came home at 2 in the morning at my house after work...and he just went to sleep beside me. I guess I was upset because I thoguht about it all day and my hopes were too high.

He told me that he is obsessed with me and could not see me leave him and be with someone else.

I told him he should leave me if he is going thorugh this much pain being with me...I don't want to be the reason fro someone injuring myself...and it makes me feel relaly bad as a person. I don't like myself.

I started crying and went in the bathroom...he came in and grabbed me hard and I told him not to grab me and pulled a way...he grabbed me if harder by the shoulder and arm and puilled me on the chair to sit down. he told me not to move and if I did he would break up with me. he started yelling at me and hitting himself infront of me and I wanted him to stop but everytime I tries to stop him from hurting himself he pushed me a way and he is really strong. I then just held him and hugged him...some how I was able to do this...and he just broke down and cried and asked what kind of person he turned into and said he used to be so happy.

I don't even know what to make of this...I'm traumatised

[AAAAA]

It sounds like this relationship has taken a seriously unhealthy turn for both of you. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is walk away.