[anniepickle]

Any advice or just similar situation information would be great...thanks in advance everyone.

I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years. We have never been a wildly passionate couple but there has never been a doubt that we love each other. We are currently seeing a therapist together and each of us seperately. I know we are both depressed and there are times that I just think I am going to completely lose my mind.

We have been through a ton as a couple. A lot of family deaths, job loss and unemployment, forclosure on the house, moving and so much more. We always seem to deal with the issues. We do not have a sex life to speak of. I was really putting forth a lot of effort for awhile to make that part of our marriage better but got tired of always being the one trying to get things going (or just being rejected). Over all I just feel unattractive and undesired. There is also the housework issue. He has always done the laundry and that is great because that is what I hate the most. He doesn't ever seem to contribute to anything else though. I shovel the snow, do the dishes, mow the yard, take out the trash....the list goes on and on. I also work a lot more than he does. I am in retail management and am trying to move up the laddar so I put in 50 hours or more a week. He knew about this before we got married and never said a word about it being a problem. Actully he never really says anything anymore. He is just irritable all the time and sleeps. We don't discuss these issues they just kind of sit there. I am just getting tired of 1. working to support us all the time 2. doing nearly all the housework and 3. feeling like I am alone in the whole situation.

I married saying I would never get divorced. I have never really seen what a "healthy" realationship can be. Not only do I feel that I made this commitment and should stay with it but we also attend a church that divorce is really something that is not done. I would never stay just because my chuch looks down on it but I also just don't want to leave him. Lord knows I love the man and I don't see that ever changing. I do find myself wishing that he would do something really stupid (like cheat on me) so that I had a really good reason to leave him. Sorry this got a bit long. I am just frustrated.

[Leed]

Dearheart, marriage is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP. You don't have that ---you are basically living alone. You might as well be. What do you REALLY have?? You don't have much in the bedroom; you don't have anyone to talk to; you have someone to do the laundry ~ that's IT. What kind of a life is this?

I'm glad you're both in therapy, but is the therapy helping your husband at all? It doesn't sound like it. I imagine he's one of those that thinks it's a waste of time, right? Sounds like my ex. The therapist said something negative to my ex and he got up and left - he never went back. Typical for him.

I guess all I can say is you have to make the decision. If you're willing to stay with a man that makes YOU do everything, while he lolls around on the couch, or if you're going to find someone who will treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated. I don't know if you're going to kill yourself working as hard as you do, or if it will help you live to 100. lol But you're not having any FUN doing it!!! You need a partner in marriage -- not baggage. God bless, and take care. Hugs, Lee

Annie,

Marriage is hard. It's hard to choose a partner and it's hard to decide if you should stay. My situation is different but the outcome is the same. My husband is a good man. Works hard and tries his best to make me happy. But the passion isn't there it never was:not on the first day, not on our honeymoon and certainly not in the bedroom.

My heart yearns for someone else, this man I'm passionate about but that relationship cannot be (and that is another issue.)

I know I need to deal with my marriage first before I can move on to a healthy, new relationship. I'm not sure if I should stay in this marriage but I'm terrified to be alone.

[mlyn]

there is such a thing as seperation. time out from the sittuation to help you see what you need to see. no it is not easy but have to say if I did not do that don't know if I'd still be alive let alone married for 33 yrs today. my hubby would not go to counseling so I was left to own. our marriage went through much turmoil. Is it perfect today? no But I've learned that just because he wants something done in certain way I am not responsible for that
if he wants it done in his way and his time that is on him not me. yes because I love him I will do to the best of my ability at any given moment but I am not failure if it is not to his standard at any given moment and visa versa.

[Soul Quake]

Originally Posted by anniepickle

We don't discuss these issues they just kind of sit there.

You're going to continue feeling alone by refusing to verbalize issues that are causing you to be resentful. Therapy is a safe place to discuss these things if you're comfortable in doing so. Telling your husband beforehand that this lack of teamwork needs to be discussed would probably be best so he doesn't feel blindsided.

Leaving is for those who have exhausted all means of communication and still conflict prevails.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by anniepickle

I am just getting tired of 1. working to support us all the time 2. doing nearly all the housework and 3. feeling like I am alone in the whole situation.

When I have domestic thoughts such as yours I remind myself that, living alone, I will have to work to support myself. Living alone, I will have to do all the housework. The only thing you have here, is the companionship issue and only you can decide whether you are happier/more comfortable with or without your husband or if "true" aloneness would be better.

My husband and I are both slobs We each do what bothers each of us; technically he is supposed to do the dishes and I cook but if he hasn't done the dishes and I want to cook but have no room/the dishes I want are dirty, I do the dishes. Think about what you "want".

Most of our ideas of division of labor and how to "do" chores is based on what we grew up with, what we learned earlier in our lives by doing or example. Sort through and see how much of this-is-the-way-it-must-be-done isn't just an echo from your childhood and a parent teaching you that.

We can only change ourselves. If you don't want to work 50 hours I would cut back some but it sounds like you do want to move up in management and that working that many hours are required to do that. Don't mix up the two, work and home in that way; you don't "have" to work any particular hours but you choose to for what you want for your career. That your husband doesn't work that many hours or make that much money is neither here or there. One can't hold another to one's own ambition or make the leap that because you are/have chosen to work hard, another much choose that too.

Think of the laundry which you don't like but he doesn't mind. Everyone has different likes/dislikes, abilities, interests, drives, etc. I let my husband just be/express his as he likes and he lets me do the same and sometimes he asks me to do something and sometimes I ask him.

Going back to where I began this, I'm in the "opposite" but same place you are; my husband made a lot of money (we're retired), when we were both working, his income was seven times mine (so I sometimes felt "silly" working)! When I wish he'd do more around the house without my asking him I remember that what he learned as a guy growing up was not the same training I had as a girl growing up; my husband learned "dish washing" like your husband learned laundry. Then I pull my clincher argument with myself and think, "I can live well, as I've grown accustomed, with the man I love and who loves me. . . and take out the trash," or, "I can live financially strapped, alone and lonely. . . and take out the trash.".

I just "like" my husband and being with him. Neither he nor I are depressed so he's not that difficult to like being with :-) We have a basic disagreement, like many couples, with how to spend money but, fortunately, I can understand and respect his point of view (so can discuss the subject better than he can because he does not understand/agree with my point of view) so I can adapt to him without feeling bad myself. When we were younger (we've been married 21 years) my understanding of him was not as complete but my realizing that my half of the argument, what I wanted, was mine to solve helped me move forward in my own life and gain self esteem in doing so.

It's hard to live with another! The question though is do we wish to try. If we, personally, wish to try then it becomes a question of how we can best move our own development forward while at the same time helping the other person and the marriage move forward. If we "fail" and no matter what we try the other person and marriage don't move forward, then, perhaps, it is time to leave? But note I said "helping the other person move forward" not "moving the other person forward" The other person has their own direction we cannot know, their own time table, because they are another person, not us. The trick is to observe and discuss with the other person what they want, where they're trying to go, what tools and problems they have/perceive they have and seeing if our tools and characteristics can help them. But first/at the same time, we have to work to understand ourselves and just what our tools and helpful characteristics are. I worked with a woman who became/is a good friend and her sister and the sister was into using staplers as hammers, too lazy/not thinking it necessary to go find a hammer That's what we have to get right.

[anniepickle]

I want to thank everyone for the input. We have finally gotten to the point this evening that things started to bubble over. Though we did communicate this evening and get things out somewhat I want to work on getting to the point that we don't have to fight and get mad to get the issues out. He continues to take my comments as an affront to him. I don't blame him for the state of things right now. There are things that I have done that have made things worse and there are things that he has done. We are going to start seeing our therapist every week for a bit and hopefully that will get us communicating better.

Thanks Again