[spaceid]

For the past month I have frequently been feeling either depressed/anxious or really happy, but I'm not sure whether this is a normal thing considering the situation I'm in.

A brief background:
I'm 27 and my last boyfriend was in my sophomore year of high school. We only went out for 3 months and didn't even kiss each other. Since then what has usually happened is that the guys I am interested in are never interested in me or I'm not interested the guys that are into me.

Now, I started dating a guy about a month ago that I like A LOT. Strangely, he seems to be into me too. Because this is new territory for me I constantly get anxious about whether we will eventually become more than just dating. Sometimes I get so depressed thinking about how we might not work out. I would be crushed. Sometimes I find myself talking myself out of liking him just so that when it doesn't work out it won't hurt as bad. I hate thinking these things. I want nothing more than to be with this guy.

Previously, I had accepted the fact that I would probably be single the rest of my life. I am a loner and don't put myself out there that much. I just thought that that was how my life was going to be. However, now that I have been dating this guy being alone is the last thing I want. I thought possibly falling in love would be a terrible thing, but now that is what I want more than ever. How do I get myself to stop thinking the worst? Sometimes I make myself so depressed and just assume he doesn't like me. Then I see him and we have a great time together and I feel great, only to have that worrying come back hours later. This is driving me crazy. What can I do?

[C0ffyy]

Ik where your coming from somewhat....

but if the guy rele likes you...
just relax, nd let things take they're course..
think, why wuld it not work out?
then,, if u do think of specific reasons,,,, bring them to his attn if they worry you..

maybe you two could talk you out of your fears...

[spaceid]

Thanks Coffyy.

I know I need to relax and I was much more anxious when we started dating, but I can't seem to stop over-analyzing. I just don't want this to fail. But you are right. Why would it not work out? We agree on a lot of things and have similar interests. We don't have to love all the same things, but thats ok because that would probably be boring. I just can't stop worrying. He's my first date in how many years? I guess I think the odds are against me. Could I fall in love with a guy and have it work out when I'm so inexperienced? What I lack for in experience, however, he makes up for it. He's had lots of relationships and maybe I'm intimidated by that.

[Leed]

Hi spaceid ~ When you get right down to it, guys dont WANT girls who are all that "experienced." If they're looking to settle down, they want a "nice" girl who is pretty naive. They want a girl who hasn't been around much. They don't want someone who has been around the block a few times. LOL So you would be JUST the girl for someone. You're a very nice girl who HASN'T been around much. That's to your benefit.

So don't listen to those "voices" in your head that are telling you all that nonsense. Just stay as sweet and innocent as you are until your "prince" comes along and pops the question!! Like I said, guys LIKE girls who are inexperienced. They don't want a "used" model. LOL God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[pumpkin4u]

Hey Spaceid, hope things are settled down now with u...as Leed said, yes Guys like and or would vouch foir a gal who is inexperience, who is innocent etc..they might go around with the bold ones but for settling down they want a gal who is sweet and nice just as u are.....
Wishing u the best.

[spaceid]

After feeling pretty great for a few days I now feel horrible! I find myself noticing absolutely everything he says to me and does and keeping this running tally in my head. Like we studied together today, but he didn't play footsie with me under the table like he usually does. All that makes me think is "he doesn't like me anymore." It hurts so bad that when I come home I just start crying. I hate this so much, it is so hard to handle. I'm so scared that we are never going to be a couple. What if I'm just Ms. Right Now for him? Now he's at work and he usually texts me, but hasn't yet and it is driving me crazy. I'm not usually this dependent on someone. I don't get it. I don't show it when he's around, but sometimes I'm so anxious. What can I do? I thought I was getting better.

I know I sound crazy writing this. It is so not like me, I'm usually such a loner. I know I would be a great girlfriend. I'm usually very laid back and calm. I love doing new things and going places I have never been. I also love just hanging out and watching tv with a guy I like. I like going to the city and I like staying home. Who I am doing these things with is more important to me than anything else. I feel like I have this person that I can do these things with and if I lose that it will hurt so bad. I never realized I was so lonely before. And going back to that or seeing him, but not being with him scares me so much. I don't know if it is all in my head or not.

[solitair]

Spaceid I do not know alot about any details of your relationship but I can only speak from my own experience. I have learned that if you are insecure in your relationship it is usually because you have other insecurities in your life. Until you work on that and you can feel secure in yourself it is difficult having any healthy relationships with anybody. Hope some way you can find a way to work on feeling secure about yourself then the othe is alot easier. Hope this is helpful, and hope you are able to work this out, living the way you are I know is miserable.Take care of You first.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by solitair

Spaceid I do not know alot about any details of your relationship but I can only speak from my own experience. I have learned that if you are insecure in your relationship it is usually because you have other insecurities in your life. Until you work on that and you can feel secure in yourself it is difficult having any healthy relationships with anybody. Hope some way you can find a way to work on feeling secure about yourself then the othe is alot easier. Hope this is helpful, and hope you are able to work this out, living the way you are I know is miserable.Take care of You first.

I understand what you are saying. I just don't know why I'm insecure. I'm at a point in my life where I'm actually very happy with how my life is going. I used to have a very stressful homelife and no work prospects. Now things are much different. I'm happy at home, going to school, and have an ok job to go with it. That's the only reason why I'm even dating now. I finally feel ready for a relationship because it would just be the icing on the cake. I don't know why I'm so stressed about it. I think I don't feel as though I get this much attention from guys that I like so I put a lot of pressure on myself not too mess it up. I don't feel as though I many chances in life to be with someone. I'm not unattractive, in fact my self esteem is a lot better than it use to be. I guess I get more attached to people than I thought I did.

[unico]

Spaceid, I know it is hard, but I agree that focusing on the present and enjoying it is the most important thing. We can't usually predict how relationships will turn out and obsessing over the fact that it might eventually end will just make it more likely that will happen, due to the anxiety and the pressure on the person you are dating.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by unico

Spaceid, I know it is hard, but I agree that focusing on the present and enjoying it is the most important thing. We can't usually predict how relationships will turn out and obsessing over the fact that it might eventually end will just make it more likely that will happen, due to the anxiety and the pressure on the person you are dating.

You are so right! Lately, I've just been focusing on the fun we have together. Also I've been thinking about little things that I would like to happen in the future with him, but without being ignorant in thinking that everything will end in a fairy tale. Basically, I've been training myself to think differently. Whenever I have doubt I tell myself not to think like that and think of the good times we have. I still worry sometimes, but so far so good. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking everything will be perfect, but everything is a learning experience. I know what I want and I want me and him to eventually development into a long-term relationship, but I don't want to be naive. So I just have to take it one day at a time. Hopefully, things will work out. The one problem I still have to deal with is the idea of me being interested in someone else if this doesn't work out. It seems impossible to me and that is what makes me worry. But he's not perfect, and neither am I, and that is okay. I'll more that willing to put in the hard work that goes into a relationship, I just hope that he feels the same way. Thinking like this has made me feel A LOT better. Does this sound like a step in the right direction?

[bryan239]

Sometimes a lot of the anxiety that people have in a relationship is from not talking or asking questions. You could drive your self crazy with all of the questions. Does he like me? Does he want a serious relationship? Does he like how the relationship is now? ect. Be open, ask questions. You said something about him texting you while he is at work, well tell him that. Tell him that you like it when he does things like that. But just dont stress to much about the relationship and just let things take there natural course. Dont be afraid to ask him questions and to tell him how you feel about things also.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think it's a common fear a lot of people who have a MI has. I know, 3 1/2 years into mine, that I still feel like he'll betray me when I started to feel depressed. I agree with Bryan though, being open and asking questions helps a lot. It is a rough road to be in a relationship (MI or not!), but it ends up being the most worthwhile thing when you find a person that is kind, considerate, and loves you for everything that you are.

Having good communication is important! :') Don't be afraid to ask questions.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by bryan239

Sometimes a lot of the anxiety that people have in a relationship is from not talking or asking questions. You could drive your self crazy with all of the questions. Does he like me? Does he want a serious relationship? Does he like how the relationship is now? ect. Be open, ask questions. You said something about him texting you while he is at work, well tell him that. Tell him that you like it when he does things like that. But just dont stress to much about the relationship and just let things take there natural course. Dont be afraid to ask him questions and to tell him how you feel about things also.

You are right on the money about the questions. I get so nervous thinking I like him more than he likes me. I become a mute whenever I want to tell him something that I like about him because I think it will scare him away. I think I need to give more of a background into my situation. It will be long, so for anyone that can get through this, thank you so much! I appreciate it. Warning: I'm a stickler for details and this is LONG.

In the beginning of February we had dinner and it was fun, but I wasn't sure if it was a date. Then two days later we were texting like crazy all day. He had gone out drinking with his friends. He's an alcoholic and hadn't drank that much in months. I'm not exactly sure how drunk he was, but that night I ended up over his friends house and we slept together. (Note: Before I came over I told him that if we slept together we would be exclusive with each other. I wouldn't talk to anyone else and neither would he. He agreed) He kept telling me he wasn't drunk, but I'm not that naive and think he just didn't want to believe how drunk he was. Now, I don't just go around with guys and sleep with them. In fact, he is the first guy I've ever slept with. This also makes me wonder if that is why I'm so attached to him, but I'm unsure about that. I wasn't saving myself or anything, but I never took losing my virginity very seriously. There was just never the opportunity with anyone I liked. Funny enough, on the way to his friends I was nervous, but as soon as I saw him my nerves were gone. I am so comfortable around him and that is a new feeling more me. I'm usually nervous around most people, but he is different. Also, it is not as though I have just met him. We have been working together for a little over a year and a half, but we didn't start talking to each other and becoming friends until August of 2010. If I had just met him I wouldn't have slept with him, but we've become friends and would go out to eat after work most nights we worked, sometimes with another co-worker sometimes just us. This started in August and we still do it now.

A week and a half after we slept together I spent the night at his house and he asked me about relationships. I said I was pretty happy in my life and was ready to be with someone. (We both agree that you can't depend on someone else to make you happy. He said he had done that before and it never worked.) He said that he couldn't have a relationship right now because he has just started college and is focusing on his sobriety. He had been in school 10 years before, but didn't take it seriously. He ended up dropping out and some of that had to do with a girlfriend and his drinking. He believes that this is his last chance and is taking his studying very seriously now. I understood what he was saying. He said that he gives a lot himself into a relationship and can become obsessive over it and wasn't sure if he could handle a relationship and school because of what happened to him the last time in school. This made me sad and he asked if I was mad at him. I wasn't because I know he has to take care of himself and I want him to do well in school. In fact, I helped him a lot in applying for financial aid and other school stuff since I had just started school again earlier in the Spring. I think that is what initially brought us together as friends. His friends aren't in school anymore and he had been putting it off for a while, but me and our coworker encouraged him to do what he wanted.

So, since he wasn't ready for a relationship I figured that nothing would happen much between us. However, starting the next day he started to text me a lot and we would see each other everyday. We go out to eat sometimes (where he usually insists on paying) and we study everyday together since that night. It confuses me because I thought he didn't want a relationship, but sometimes I feel like we are in one. People at work think we are together and when we go to get coffee the employees at Starbucks assume I am his girlfriend. He touches me as much as he can and it is like his friends barely exist, he talks about them all the time but rarely sees them. Even tonight, he was in school all day from 8am-8:30pm and he still wanted to see me before he had to pick up his brother from work around 11pm. I didn't think we would see each other at all today because of his schedule, but we had talked on the phone and texted each other today like usual, but its like he must see me. He was practically falling asleep in his chair. Personally, I love that! I love seeing him everyday and I'm surprised I don't get tired of him considering I'm usually a loner and don't need that much attention from people. But he's different for some reason.

But the whole "I can't have a relationship right now" thing is always in the back of my mind. He said that to me and then immediately said he didn't know afterwards, like he likes me but he is scared of falling back into the same routine that happened the last time he was in school. I don't pressure him into anything, but I also find myself holding back from him because I am scared that he isn't as into me as I am into him. One second he will talk about how much he loves being single and the next second he will say we should move to California together. The other week he told me about this girl in his class and said how he could marry her. I didn't know what to say to that because he jokes around a lot and I find it hard to tell when people are serious or not. Sometimes I think he just says those things to gauge my reaction. Why would he spend so much time and energy with me and say something like that? Even when he is in a bad mood he'll come hang out with me and I can tell he starts to feel better. I don't think he knows what he wants and that drives me crazy because I know what I want. That then makes me feel as though I have no control of the situation and I am at the mercy of him and his feelings. Then my mind goes into overdrive and I think how one day he is just going to drop me because he found a different Ms. RightNow. And then I get myself depressed.

However, I then tell myself that he texts or calls me everyday. About 90% of the time it is him initiating contact first. He texts me goodnight and sometimes goodmorning. He always assumes we are going to hang out together everyday, but still asks me what my plans are to make sure I'm free. He's funny, polite, responsible, friendly, and an all around good guy. He does have a drinking problem, but he's got a lot of control over it compared to how he used to be. It is still a daily challenge for him and he's very open about with me. In fact he is open about a lot of things with me. He has introduced me to his brother (who he is really close to and protective of) and we have dinner with him occasionally. He constantly brings me his mom's food to try and we usually share our lunch while at work. Yet, I'm too scared to ask him about anything that has to do with relationships. I think it might scare him off, but then I question whether I'm too guarded.

At first I was scared that he thought we were just friends with benefits. However, we actually don't get to sleep together too often and he doesn't put pressure on me about sex. Sometimes we flirt, but we also have real conversations too. I don't know how a guy usually treats a girl in a FWB situation since I've never been in one. I feel like we are dating more than anything. I just want to know where we are going, but I'm too scared to ask. We have been "dating" about 5 weeks and my friends say that I should just enjoy it and let things happen naturally. But I tend to be hard on myself and have a lot of doubts. Then I worry. I don't want us to not become something someday. I like him so much if he wanted us to move in together tomorrow I wouldn't even give it a second thought, I would say yes. And that thinking scares me because it shows how much I like him and how much it will hurt if it doesn't work out. Someone said I need to "check my emotions for him" but I'm not sure how to do that. I can't tell myself not to like him. I don't date and I will only spend this much time with a guy when I am thinking of a long-term prospect. The idea of dating various guys before settling down depresses me. When I see a guy I want, I want him and no one else, but I become friends with hi, first before I even think that I would date him. So if I find a guy attractive and I don't become his friend then I never even get to the dating route. This i usually what happens since I am 27 and this is the first guy I have dated since high school. I couldn't date a stranger, I'm too shy and guarded. I could marry this guy and I'm not the type of girl that dreams of marriage. So if it doesn't work out all I can think is how this is my only chance. I don't often like a guy this much. I have to make it work and not mess it up. My last boyfriend was 12 years ago in another 12 years I'll be in my 40s. With my track record I can't imagine being interested in anyone else like this ever again.

Sorry for the length, but I feel like writing it all out is therapeutic for me. I already feel better.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I think it's a common fear a lot of people who have a MI has. I know, 3 1/2 years into mine, that I still feel like he'll betray me when I started to feel depressed. I agree with Bryan though, being open and asking questions helps a lot. It is a rough road to be in a relationship (MI or not!), but it ends up being the most worthwhile thing when you find a person that is kind, considerate, and loves you for everything that you are.

Having good communication is important! :') Don't be afraid to ask questions.

I have never been diagnosed with an MI, but sometimes I wonder. My brother has issues with depression and that scares me that I might susceptible to that too.

[spaceid]

Sorry guys I just have to vent. My mind is going into overdrive again. Luckily I can still concentrate, but my worry has become this constant feeling in the back of my mind. I'm beginning to think that this relationship is going to go nowhere. I don't know if I can even call it a relationship. I hate that I'm so inexperienced and don't even know what the heck is going on! I've gotten to the point that I am convincing myself that he is going to just drop me one of the days. I don't want to think like that because I think I'm going to cause myself to pull away from him just because I'm scared of being hurt. What if me and him actually could have a future together, but I ruin it because of fear? If he called me his girlfriend I would feel so more secure and relaxed, but I don't know if that is ever going to happen. Why can't he make his mind up about anything? This is driving me crazy and we've only been dating for 6 weeks. I don't know how to handle this.

Someone please tell me I am overreacting.