What does a woman like?

Generic question but here is why I'm asking. 12 year marriage. In my words just a dead relationship. We don't hate (I don't anyway) we still are kissing and saying I love you and I seem to get the feeling she is willing to give things another go. I posted questions about choosing a therapist on another forum but what I want to know is this. What are little things I can do right now, today, to make her feel loved. I started saying I love you and trying to kiss and hug as much as I think she'll tolerate. What else could I be trying? I know it sounds like a stupid question but after 12 years of doing nothing for eachother I need help. I also know she may not respond right away but what can I look for to give me a llittle hope?

Rebuilding a relationship is a slow process, you cannot rush it.
Also, you cannot recreate the past - you will both have changed as people since you married. Your new relationship may not be the same as it used to be, so you must expect changes.
Kisses and cuddles are great, but may not be entirely welcome if she feels distant from you.
I would say it is more important to learn to listen to her - I mean really listen, giving her your full attention. See how things develop from there.
Be patient. Good luck.

Here is something you can do. When you have a few moments alone, think back over the years and try to recall the times she has said "I wish you ..." and write down the things she wished you would do, even if she no longer says those things. Examples might be "would fix the back door so it doesn't squeak" or "would put your dirty socks in the hamper instead of throwing them under the bed" or "pay the bills on time" or "would stop trying to kiss and hug me when I am on the phone talking to my mother." Then, where you are able, start doing those things (or stop, as the case may be) So often problems in the bedroom, or to put it more generally, feelings of being unloved, are a reflection of the other person feeling 'unloved' because the person's expressed wishes were ignored. My advice is about ordinary things, but following it might bring you the results you seem to be wanting, if I understand you correctly.

Thanks to both of you. I didn't add that I have done things to damage the relationship which I recently came clean with. I feel I had to come clean but it set us back big time. She is visibly saddened and upset by what I did but I don't think it was a deal breaker, we'll see. She lets me hug, kiss and she is talking to me. I just hope she isn't keeping things civil until the papers are delivered. I make everything a catastrophe and have a hard time stopping my brain from taking things to extremes.

coming from the woman's view....
Do you tell her you appreciate the things she does for you?
Do you do fun and exciting things together or things that you both enjoy?
What were the things that made the 2 of you fall in love in the first place and get engaged/married? what were the things that you did together that kept you energized.

If you are coming off a big "issue" in your relationship, you need to continue to be honest and ask her where her head is at? Kissing and hugging is nice, but women want a lot more than physical intimacy - Martin was right about listening - pay attention to what she says and then follow through. the littlest gestures mean the most. one rose on a Tuesday means a lot more than a dozen on valentines day.

Why don't you start "dating" again?? Send her some flowers with a nice card. Ask her out ~ take her to dinner & a movie. If there's some place to go dancing where you live, also go there. Do like you 'used' to do when you were dating her. Or think back when you were a teenager -- treat her like that. Open her car door for her -- be a real gentleman. That oughta shock her. LOL

You can have lots of fun with this and it ought to put some zing into things. It doesn't have to stop with one night either. If both of you can remember what it USED to be like, I think you both will put more effort into it, but get it started with dating. Hugs, Lee

You ask a very GOOD question! Its good you want to do something positive with your marriage!

I am coming from a perspective of a women whose bf of 7 1/2 years, (which also feels like a dead end relationship) has morphed from a super involved, caring, loving, fun communicative guy to an unresponsive, "busy," "tired" person who makes tons of excused and never does anything to get better.

So I have a lot of suggestions for you to improve the issues with your wife. You might want to brace yourself for this, lol

-Don't act like affection, saying i love you and hugging is obligatory, do it with romance, passion and love! She can tell the difference in the way you do it.

-Do everything you say you are going to do when you say you will do it.

-Don't NOT do the tiniest little things that you think she won't notice. she will notice even if she says nothing.

-Don't EVER tell her you will do something and you don't do it! Its far better to either surprise her with something. Its about trust. and lack of follow through reinforces her lack of trust. Follow though is key in building trust remember.

-Build trust and maintain it and don't send a wrecking ball through it.

-Don't stop doing things because you think she doesn't care, she may never say she does BUT SHE DOES CARE!

-Talk to her, build the relationship, it takes time for a women to get back into something when things that been so cold and dead for so long. Keep trying it may take months or even a few years to get back on track but it can be done.

-Don't be selfish, that's why marriages dry up because 1 or both partners are selfish in some vital relationship killing ways.

-Ask her how she feels, about you getting closer and working on the marriage. Just ask her. Don't beat around the bush and be scared of her response.

-In fact ask her how she feels about EVERYTHING, and CARE how she feels and show you care.

-Don't make excuses, own your short comings and work on them sincerely.

-Be courageous in your marriage relationship. Men who cower down from stepping up and fixing what needs to be fixed make it very hard for a women to trust and want to be with. You are taking the first steps to being courageous, just make sure you keep it up.

-Help her with whatever she needs help with the first time she asks.

-Banish from your vocabulary "I'm tired", "I'm busy" "I don't feel like it." These phrases may stop cold all your progress!

-When she gives you a critique, listen, listen, listen even if she is mean about it there is surely some truth to it, listen and take action and work on yourself to get better.

-Most importantly, your wife notices and CARES, chances are good that she is just afraid to say anything because she doesn't want to be disappointed.

Women "like": to be put first, treated as we are important to our man, to have a stable, loving relationship, to not have to worry if our man is there for us, to be our companion, protector, provider at all times, to have a man that is dependable, courageous, solves problems, loving, caring. This is only the tips of the iceberg. But hopefully you get the idea. These things are really not a matter of a women liking these are basic and vital to the health of a marriage.

In closing, it takes two to tango and its not all her fault. But at least you are trying to work things out. Just be proactive at all times, don't get discouraged if she doesn't response to you for a long time, she will soften up eventually, but only if she sees you as serious about the marriage and relating to her better.

Knowing that you are making an effort to change things should give you hope.

These are the things I'd tell my boyfriend and if I thought he would respond I would tell him but I've done some much to make him aware of the fact that he has become so uninvolved and uncommunicative. And he has not responded to anything other than with "I'm tired, I'm busy" He has left me hanging many times and I feel like I don't know him anymore.

My bf has schizophrenia so I don't know if he is doing this because his illness is getting worse or changing him or if he really doesn't care about me anymore. And I have no way of knowing.

What causes a man to become so indifferent in a relationship? What caused you to become indifferent in your marriage? Just curious.

Anyway, I hope this helps, I don't know you so I don't know if you have done these things already. I believe in being straight forward so I hope this wasn't too blunt for you. I just think these things are vitally important for a man to do whether he is in a committed relationship or married.

My initial reaction was that THIS woman likes to be treated as an individual, not placed in a category with "all" women, who presumably all like the same things....

But after reading your details I decided to be more gentle. Same message though. I would still recommend treating your wife as an individual, with unique likes and dislikes. I also think of the Five Love Languages. Maybe physical affection doesn't communicate love to her the same as it does to you. That's only one of the five. The other four are:

Acts of service. This would include help with chores, taking care of something important to her, etc.

Time spent together. Anything from just watching a movie to a weekend getaway.

Words of affirmation. The "I love you," and also more specific, the things you love *about* her.

Gifts. Small things like flowers or candy, or bigger things like jewelry.

I had to look up that last one--because it doesn't resonate with me. I'm not a "gift" person. That just goes to show the individuality. Another woman might melt over flowers, but I'm not one of those. Anyway, I'd advise you to learn what your wife's love languages are, and do that.