[salukigirl]

So I was talking to my sister last night. We kind of decided that most people seem to do what we consider "settling" which sounds like such a terrible term. But then I thought....how often does it really happen when 2 people meet and can't live without each other? (not being the honeymoon stage). Very rarely you do meet 2 people who have been together for years and don't feel like they've settled a little bit. And settling seems like the logical answer doesn't it?

People all the time leave their S.O. looking for better, then realize the grass is NOT greener and they should have stayed. But thinking about staying before felt like settling? I started thinking about it because I told my sister....I know that my bf cares about me and I care about him. We both love each other very much. I know he would never do anything to hurt me. So basically it comes down to deciding if you can handle the little blow ups or flaws (that everyone has) and stay or take your chances with the unknown which could be even worse than what you deal with now.

Then I realize.....doesn't everyone kind of go through those decisions when they are ready to either get married or have kids etc... Because nobody is perfect so you are always going to have to settle or sacrifice a little no matter what. So, my question is....is settling really as bad as we make it out to be?

[Perna]

Okay, think about your work/schooling and how much you enjoy/love it and how it is made for you; that can be the same with relationships with a significant other!

Most of how well we "fit" something/someone is based on us and our own mental state, maturity, perspective, whatever one wants to call it. I didn't get married until I was 39 but, when I found the guy and did, it was the "right" guy for me. I didn't settle for him, he was part of 30 years of therapy! Did I tell you my story of when I started therapy for the second time with my therapist (two periods of nine years each, 1978-87 and then 1996-2005, we married in 1989) and told my husband over dinner that I would be spending a couple hundred extra out of pocket a week for the foreseeable future and started adding up all I'd spent on therapy from 1970-1996 and came up with some huge number and asked him would he be willing to pay that much for my health and happiness? He replied, "I would give to my last penny if it would help your health and happiness" and I know he meant it (another time I wrote a coworker/friend a "blank" check for $15,000 and gave her my gold credit card to take to the judge as surety that we would bale her out so she didn't lose her house without asking him; that was a fun one to have to tell him when he got home that evening but I vowed to get a better job to help pay for that and did!).

I believe there are those that are righter for us, help us grow and be better people than others and that there's no need to settle. Other people in our lives are there to help us; either obviously like my husband loves and helps me or "negatively" where we learn about ourselves or others in adversity, about our "shadow" selves that everyone has. I don't think "settling" is very useful in that regard?

[setemfree]

Hey Girl,

(Always fun to "say" that) I've been grappling internally with this very question. I certainly don't want to be "settled" for. I don't want a partner unless he really wants to be with me (in spite of my flaws). Of course I want him to consider it very carefully. Can he live with the fact that we have different ideas about some issues? Even some issues which are close to his heart?

I think it is silly to expect that we won't have to make some adjustments when we incorporate another person into our lives. But we shouldn't feel as if we're "settling" for someone. Instead we should accept that no one is going to be perfectly supportive and perfectly matched in terms of energy levels, interests, and social needs.

It's only a problem for us if we are expecting that significant other to fulfill every external need we might have. As long as we can get what we need from our support world (which includes but should not be limited to one significant other), we oughtn't to feel as if we are "settling" for a partner who is less than "ideal." It's not helpful to labor under the misconception that the "ideal" partner (in quotes because I think it's a fiction) will somehow make our lives perfectly effortless and continually happy, thrilling, etc. (add your favorite adjective).

Just one POV, and (as I've said) I've been grappling, so your mileage may vary! Thanks for the topic, though, it helps to write about it.

[salukigirl]

Thanks guys. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I FEEL like I would be settling is because I have too high of expectations. But at the same time....my expectations would never allow me to find that "perfect" guy. So, unless I learn to lower my expectations, everything will be settling. And I have always been like that.

I have never been so sure about someone caring about me as I am with my current bf. I have never been able to say that I am 100% sure he would never cheat on me or hurt me in anyway intentionally. I know he would do anything for me. So then I feel terrible thinking I'm "settling" for a guy that basically worships the ground I walk on. But, like any other couple, we get into fights. We say things we don't mean sometimes. And all that other stuff. But I'm having a hard time figuring out if my feelings are based on my inability to accept flaws (in myself or in others) or if I really would be settling?

Does that make sense? Actually the more I write the more I realize that I put so much pressure to be perfect on myself and everyone else. This is why I'm wondering how many people deal with this same thing or even how many people never find that "one" because of their own expectations of relationships?

[Perna]

What I like is the opportunity the other gives us to be our best selves. I know I've done things I wasn't proud of and sometimes thought my husband would "punish" me or be angry as my stepmother would but I keep making myself tell him the truth and stand up to myself. It's hard not to tell white lies but it's kind of like I feel about being on here, at PsychCentral, where I have decided I do the best I can writing posts, responding to others or posting myself and I don't delete or alter my posts, even if people don't like them or misunderstand them or find a flaw in what I have to say. I back up myself 100%, if I'm wrong I want to be the kind of person who admits it (and then gets on with it, without guilt) and is grateful for the correction, the new perspective or whatever. I do that with my love relationship too; I have to be able to be myself, first, and part of that is my respecting myself enough to tell my truth, come what may. I think a good relationship learns and grows just like the individuals in it just as a flawed relationship seems to get worse?

[salukigirl]

Perna, that is very true. Maybe that is why I feel differently about actually wanting to work on whatever problems we may have. I feel like in past relationships we fed off each other in a bad way. Whereas, noticing issues we have actually makes me look at myself more. And realize things I do to cause some of these issues or make them worse. I have never been in a relationship that makes me want to be a better person or live up to someone else's expectations about myself. He, admittedly, holds me to higher expectations than other people in his life, and I do the same. And sometimes I wonder if that is a bad or a good thing. But I feel in the last 2.5 years we have been together I have done more work on myself than any other time in my life. I notice things I do that could be detrimental to myself, him or us. Maybe that is why I'm thinking about this in the first place?

I used to be the girl who settled for everything. I settled for my first husband - he was a nice guy, not exactly what I wanted but he was nice and wanted to marry me and i really wanted to get married. That lasted about 5 years until i started taking control of what i really wanted in my life and realized he wasn't it. I dated a LOT and for a long time - it took me 10 years and kissing a lot of frogs to find the man I married - is he perfect? No, but I definitely didn't settle - he truly swept me off my feet and keeps me thinking, keeps me growing, and we live a fun, active life - everything i didn't do with my first husband...it is not worth it to settle because you will never be happy and always wonder "what if"..at least in my opinion.

[turquoisesea]

I think it depends on the settling. If it's a core value or belief, or personal health than it's bad. If it's small changes to you, I think that's ok. It's really dependent on the people for me, so I don't think there's a clear-cut answer.

By small I mean small though. There HAS to be a balance. You have to give to eachother, and you have take from eachother, you have to learn and be seperate beings from eachother while maintaining a close bond. Not an easy balance to acheive

[salukigirl]

Thanks turoquoisea- we do have that. Of course we fight sometimes and have our differences but one of the things I've always loved about him is that I can go out with my girl friends to the bar or karaoke or something and he doesn't pester me the whole time, I don't have to worry about being home at a certain time or explaining myself because he trusts me. And that goes both ways. In fact, we both like having the other have their own time and their own thing. And we do have a really close bond. We both know things about the other that nobody else knows. Maybe I'm just over analyzing. I've been known to do that lol :-/