[SmackytheFrog]

I am forgoing deciding to attempt sleep with my boyfriend because my friend/crush started talking to me online. I feel guilty but I just can't bring myself to turn away, he's a good friend and I've always found it easy to talk to him. And my boyfriend already feels threatened by him, even though he lives in a completely different province.

Is this like emotional cheating?

[LookingforCalm]

It could be if you let it. If you talk to this person because you are good friends, then that's cool. But I wouldn't make it into such a habit that you neglect the guy you're with.

Be careful. Listen to your gut. If you think it's wrong, then it probably is. If it's innocent, then it is!

[SmackytheFrog]

I feel at war with myself over it because I feel like I can be more open with my friend because he doesn't just shut down when I talk about my depression and he actually analyses it with me (he was a psychology student so it might just be his nature now haha) which is nice. I love my BF more than anything, but I enjoy my friend and I's random talks too.

Fortunately these talks only really happen every few months, my friend's pretty on the go. lol

[WolfsGirl]

If you start sharing things with your friend that you SHOULD be telling your bf instead, you're getting very close to the line that separates friendship and intimacy. My bf and I both have friends of the opposite sex and there is no jealousy, no guilt b/c they are JUST friends.

[SmackytheFrog]

Thanks WolfsGirl, that actually made me feel a lot better about the situation. I've never shared anything more than an insight into my depression with my friend since my BF and I started dating so I think I'm okay. Right? ^^;

[madisgram]

what's the reason for your bf feeling threatened? if he's comfortable in your relationship and trusts you he should feel ok about your friendships with other guys, imho.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by SmackytheFrog

I am forgoing deciding to attempt sleep with my boyfriend because my friend/crush started talking to me online. I feel guilty but I just can't bring myself to turn away, he's a good friend and I've always found it easy to talk to him. And my boyfriend already feels threatened by him, even though he lives in a completely different province.

Is this like emotional cheating?

Hi S the F, I just happened to read your question. I really don't thing that there is there should be or is emotional cheating.

I don't know how old you are, but being human means desiring knowledge and wanting input from others.

So, you are not doing anything wrong by letting yourself meet and talk to other people. What you need to think about is what your intentions are.
If you are seeing someone, than you need to let them know that you like to meet new people and learn new things. If your boyfriend is restricting you from reaching out and growing, and if he is restricting you, this is not a good sign. Your boyfriend is showing you that he is not confident enough in himself and that he wishes to control your world.

Should your relationship with him proceed with him controling you, it will not be a healthy relationship. So you need to help him understand that you are not going to be controled by anyone.

Healthy relationships are about allowing your partner to grow and be themselves. A healthy relationship never involves control over another individual.

Your statement, "I am a terrible person" is an expression of either you do not wish to be contolled and you have allowed yourself to be controlled and you want to break free. STOP, think about what YOU want. The only way guilt should be allowed into the picture is if you are encouraging your boyfriend to feel that you are only interested in having a relationship with him, when you actually are just clutching him and shopping at the same time.

It is normal when we are in a relationship to keep viewing the outside world and grow and then re-evaluate what we have and if it is what we really want. If you are young, and you don't really know what you want,
this is normal. Honesty is always the best policy.

[SmackytheFrog]

Originally Posted by madisgram

what's the reason for your bf feeling threatened? if he's comfortable in your relationship and trusts you he should feel ok about your friendships with other guys, imho.

I think he feels threatened because my friend and I sort of have a history, but not really. My friend and I were jokingly married on Facebook for a few months and we were very close until I ended up seeing another guy for like a month and a half. I actually was pretty much head over heels for my friend, but I was too shy to admit it directly to him and to see if he felt the same way, so I ended up moving on. Two relationships later and we are still friends and we had a short period of time exchanging some rather risque photos. But nothing more than that ever happened. And he's French (Quebec, not France haha) and the accent just makes me melt. But I've evolved from my "school girl crush" to more of a friend crush in that I just really enjoy his company.

My boyfriend knows all of this because I believe that honesty is the best policy in a relationship. But I think he feels threatened because I can talk so openly with this friend about my problems. I think a mixture of the trust I have in this friend and my previous infatuation is what makes him uncomfortable, which I can understand as it would make me uncomfortable if the situation was reversed. We're only human right?

[salukigirl]

Wasn't this the guy you were really upset about because he quit talking to you and you openly admitted you had feelings for him? Personally, if I knew my bf had been talking to a girl that I know he had feelings for....probably would stop dating him. If you can't keep yourself from temptation, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Maybe you need to be asking yourself why you feel so drawn to be emotionally intimate with another person and NOT your bf?

If you have to ASK if you're doing something wrong....that's a red flag right there.

[Martina]

Be careful girl. And quite frankly, I think you should stop.

January 2008 I started chatting with a man online. It was innocent at first. I never intended it to become anything. I talked about how I was extremely depressed, I thought my husband didn't love me, I wasn't doing a good job at work and I was a worthless accountant. We talked about politics (2008 election fever had already begun), and he actually WANTED to talk politics - my husband doesn't give a crap about politics. This guy was just really funny and fun to talk to.

Yeah, then it became personal. It turned into an online sexual affair (cybersex kind of crap, sharing photos, etc.)

He lived 5 hours away from me. I never thought we'd meet.

Yeah. Then I decided to book a CPA exam review course at a university that was about an hour away from him. With the sole intention that we could meet.

This affair lasted 6 months and almost ruined me. I ended it when I landed in the psych ward after a suicide attempt.

He still checked up on me a few times, he was actually geniunely worried about me because of what I did. We had developed some pretty strong feelings toward each other. But both of us were married, with a child the same age. And both of us were stuck in sexless marriages. (part of what we had in common...)

I can't even blame this affair on being manic, because it lasted so long. It was all me.

Don't do this to yourself. I know it seems innocent now, but before you know it will be out of control. Stop it now before it goes anywhere.

[SmackytheFrog]

I've never brought up a guy not talking to me before. Or even my friends.

And its not so much that I feel myself tempted to have anything more than a friendship at this point, I just feel uneasy talking to him now because I know my boyfriend is uncomfortable with me talking to other guys. Especially those that like me or that I have showed interest in in the past. Which I understand...so I feel awkward about it. But I don't want to dismiss guys who have been my friends for years.

Why do I feel drawn to being emotionally "intimate" (I don't know if I would call talking about the basics of depression is considered intimate - I mean we're not flirting.) with people other than my boyfriend? Because my boyfriend doesn't want to discuss my depression or the events in my life that happen with it like counselling appointments. Either he dismisses the idea entirely that I am depressed or he patronizes my theories if I bring up ideas of what brought me here. Which I understand he is uncomfortable with, so I talk to other people.

[Martina]

If you can't confide in your boyfriend about your depression, and truly have him support you, then quite honestly you need to kindly say goodbye. If this man is ever to become your husband, or long-term cohabitating boyfriend, you NEED that support from the key person in your life. Sure, it's great to talk to friends and relatives and strangers on the internet and your therapist, but if you can't talk to the person who is the center of your world...it won't work.

[eskielover]

I am forgoing deciding to attempt sleep with my boyfriend because my friend/crush started talking to me online.

Maybe you are forgoing that because you really don't have the feelings for your BF & maybe the fact that you really know it's not the right thing to do & this is a good reason to keep you from doing it?

I always had guy friends because I didn't relate to women even when I was married.....but the friendship never went beyond that & my husband was always the only one that I kept intimate & very personal thoughts between.

When I was in college, I had BF's but that's exactly what they were boys that were friends & there was nothing that went on beyond that. Wasn't until I met the guy that I ended up getting married to that I had any kind of close relationship with....it was the distinguishing point that indicated to me that this was the person I could get married to. Ended up not being the right thing to do the that's another huge long story that lasted way too many years & should have been wise enough before getting married to have listened to my inner voice that was saying NO, not responsible enough....& he never grew out of that state of being...but if he had, he would have been a very good husband.

[SmackytheFrog]

Originally Posted by Martina

Be careful girl. And quite frankly, I think you should stop.

January 2008 I started chatting with a man online. It was innocent at first. I never intended it to become anything. I talked about how I was extremely depressed, I thought my husband didn't love me, I wasn't doing a good job at work and I was a worthless accountant. We talked about politics (2008 election fever had already begun), and he actually WANTED to talk politics - my husband doesn't give a crap about politics. This guy was just really funny and fun to talk to.

Yeah, then it became personal. It turned into an online sexual affair (cybersex kind of crap, sharing photos, etc.)

He lived 5 hours away from me. I never thought we'd meet.

Yeah. Then I decided to book a CPA exam review course at a university that was about an hour away from him. With the sole intention that we could meet.

This affair lasted 6 months and almost ruined me. I ended it when I landed in the psych ward after a suicide attempt.

He still checked up on me a few times, he was actually geniunely worried about me because of what I did. We had developed some pretty strong feelings toward each other. But both of us were married, with a child the same age. And both of us were stuck in sexless marriages. (part of what we had in common...)

I can't even blame this affair on being manic, because it lasted so long. It was all me.

Don't do this to yourself. I know it seems innocent now, but before you know it will be out of control. Stop it now before it goes anywhere.

Thanks, I appreciate you're insight.

I'll admit I'm not sure how to respond as this person and I have always been very open toward each other although we don't talk all that often now.

To be honest I feel very confused about how I feel about this person. I used to like him, but through our friendship I have learned that he uses his psychology know-how to seduce women so I don't feel I could trust any kind of attraction I would harbor for him so I have dismissed the idea. I have been hurt in relationships before so I wouldn't want to walk myself to the plank again, metaphorically.

Despite my frustration with not feeling that I'm getting the emotional support I need from my boyfriend I love him very much. I don't feel a desire to stray from him. He does buckle down and help me when I'm having a breakdown, but sometimes I want to analyze myself when I'm feeling sane too.

I just didn't feel like going to bed when I had an opportunity to have someone to talk to that would help me pick my own brain, I think.

[salukigirl]

Sorry - I was thinking of another post....maybe I read too much at once on here haha

I still feel that no matter where the need comes from (you needing it or your boyfriend being unwilling to walk) it's not a good thing that you can't be open with someone so close to you about something so personal. I remember you asking in a poll why he wouldn't talk to you about it and you did get your answer as to why he is uncomfortable with it but if he isn't willing to try to be open, therein lies the issue. He needs to be able to at least try.

Talking about the basics is one thing but, feeling close to another man means opening up about more things, then feeling closer etc....

IMO, if you're asking if it's wrong, there is a reason. If he is getting jealous over nothing and making you feel you are in the wrong when you're not.....there is a problem. If you feel like you are close to having an emotional affair, then there is another issue. Either way, something needs to be worked out. If he doesn't learn to talk and open up.....he will drive you away. And getting jealous (if there isn't really a reason) will do the same.

I have plenty of guy friends and my bf has plenty of girl friends. But the reason we are not jealous is that we can open up and talk about things like depression or anxiety.

It shouldn't take you having an emotional breakdown for him to support you in this. Depression really is a journey and he seems to not be willing to go on that journey with you. But if you are committed to him, then I would try to get HIM to open up instead of finding other guys to do that with. And if that's not possible, then I'd re-think my position in the relationship and whether it is worth it to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable in the area you need it most.