[Jasmina]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to seek advice about my ex bf's abusive behavior. But I'll give it a shot. It's a long story so I hope someone will at least read it because I need some serious advice!

Well, my ex and I have a three month old daughter. We met a little over a year ago and he was going through a divorce which gave him two kids. Anyway, he was from California but ended up in Illinois because his wife moved back with their kids. (This was prior to their separation. Later to find out she was fleeing from him to be with her family where she had support.) He ended up moving to Illinois to be closer to me and his kids. This is when we became more serious.

At first he was wonderful and very attentive. Wanting to talk to on the phone about 7 times a day. If I didn't answer his calls right away and have to call him back he'd ask why I didn't answer right away. This was always a problem throughout our relationship. To solve this problem he bought me a blue tooth so that I would have no excuse to not answer his calls. He quickly became very possessive of my time and clingy. I have always been very independent and like my space which he couldn't and didn't even try to understand.
Intimacy was great with him but if I didn't want it or just felt like being held he would throw sort of a temper tantrum. Saying that I told him I’d never refuse him sex like his ex wife did - that I should always find other ways to please him if I didn’t feel like doing anything. So I always felt obligated to have sex with him no matter how I felt.
Shortly thereafter I became pregnant. Being a ‘good Catholic’ he did not believe in birth control. So we chose – rather he chose – to apply the rhythm method. Unfortunately it did not work in my case!

These control tactics he used prior to my pregnancy escalated. He wanted me with him all the time. If I wanted to leave or didn't want to spend the night he would hold his hands under hot water from the faucet. (He revealed that he had on occasion attempted to commit suicide by hanging. He was also into self mutilation and cutting.) He would cry and claim I was abandoning him. How could I do such a thing? Leave him when he needed me! (He was going through a custody battle between him and his wife at the time).

Nothing I did was right. I had a tendency to arrive later than I had said and I’d get berated for it. He swore up and down that I was doing it to annoy him which I was not. I just have terrible time maintenance skills – always have. So I tried and tried to please him. He was like a bottomless pit. Demanding I be there for him especially now since I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy I was very ill. He never understood and would plead with me to go out with him regardless how I was feeling. Of course I gave in but we had to return home because I didn’t feel well. He was angry about that. We disagreed with everything from the way I wanted to give birth to knowing the sex.

I never felt comfortable staying with him because he didn’t take care of me. I was so ill that I needed someone to care for me so I went to stay with my mother. He was angry and asked me to give him a chance to care for me and his unborn child. I returned to his place to stay. However, one morning when I was sleeping I woke up to him having sex with me. I was so mortified I didn’t know what to do. He swore up and down that he thought I had said earlier that I liked having sex in the morning. I told him I did say that but when I’m awake and feeling well. He knew I was not feeling well at that time. Was this rape? I felt violated so I believe so.

After that incident I couldn’t stand to spend another night there. Nor could I have sex with him which caused more problems. So I went to my mother’s to stay for good. He called and pleaded for me to come back. But every time I did I would get flashbacks about what happened. I did spend the night though weeks after as well as have sex with him in order to appease him. But there were always more things about my behavior that I didn’t do correctly.

His mistreatment continued on and on for months until my 7th month of pregnancy I had had enough. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in the delivery room since his mood was so unpredictable. He was not happy with me and said I was a terrible mother. How I was denying our child the bonding experience with her father. No matter what he did he had every right to be in there with me. I told him that if he changed how he treated me I would let him in there. However he would only change for 3 days then go right back to mentally abusing me. So he left back to California a month before I gave birth.

We stayed in contact however he was still treating me the same way as before. When I had the baby he called me at the hospital yelling at me. Asking why we hadn’t called him when his baby was born. I tried to explain that I was so ill and couldn’t call anyone. I was going to call him after I felt a little better. To him however this was inexcusable. I felt terrible that I had done this to him. He was very good at trying to make me feel guilty for just about everything that went wrong.

Two days after I brought our baby home (my mom’s), he wrote me a letter saying how he had changed into a Godly man. What? He had changed by the grace of God now that Christ was the center of his life. I simply did not believe him. He said he was a changed man and wanted to marry me and take me and our child back to California with him. I was against this and very suspicious of this sudden ‘miracle’. I told him that I needed time to think about all of these changes he had made to see if they were true.

After delivery I was extremely ill for over 3 weeks. He came here to see his child and beg me to marry him. I got so many letters about how much he loved me and how he would give me all the time in the world.

Well I did not go back with him and agreed I would come out there with our child in the spring. However he wanted me to stay when I came instead of just a visit. I told him I needed to see where we would be living and possibly move out there in the summer. He did not like this whatsoever. He wanted me to move now because he was losing precious time with his child. I understood this but told him I needed more time to recoup from delivery as well as make sure he had truly changed. Day after day he would call and call harassing me about marrying him. Telling me that he had done all he had done to change and I wasn’t throwing him a bone. I tried to explain to him that I was too sick to even give him an answer right away. Not only that I was exhausted with a newborn – getting up every hour or so to breast feed. He called me 10 times a day. Sometimes I couldn’t call back because I was so tired I wasn’t able to think straight.

Finally, one day we were talking and he asked if I would ever marry him. I told him I wasn’t sure because I needed more time to trust him again. He wanted to know if he should keep contacting me and sending me letters. I told him to give me a little space and that I would call him. I still loved him and did want to make it work but only if he had changed his behavior toward me. Well, I would call him or text a week after this to let him know me and the baby were alright. I had still planned on coming in the spring.

However, one day when I called he told me he had met somebody. He wasn’t looking but it happened. I was absolutely torn to pieces. I couldn’t understand how he could go from professing his undying love to me then two weeks after take up with somebody else. It turns out that they spent a lot of time together (24/7) getting to know one another. He finally told me they were sleeping together and in a relationship. But he would drop her on one condition – that I move out to California and marry him.

He also told me a secret he had been keeping from me. One that he wanted to reveal in order for him to be completely honest. He said that while he was in Illinois he had sex with a girl he met off the internet. I was blown away! He then said there was one other thing he needed to tell me. However the only way he would was if I could look past his first offense. I agreed to accept him no matter what. He continues to tell me that not only had he been with one person but two. The other one being a guy! I didn't know what to say and actually thought he was lying to scare me off. So I said I could look past that as well. He was dumbfounded because he was prepared for me to dump him then and there.
Question: Does anyone think this was the truth or just to get rid of me?

I told him we could marry in a few months but not right away since he didn’t have feelings for me plus after dumping all this other stuff on me. He said he could probably get those feelings back. That was absolutely unacceptable. He claimed I wasn’t committed to him fully.

We went back and forth for several days arguing about what had happened. Of course I was all to blame for him taking up with her. If only I had told him how I truly felt none of this would have gone on. He then drops a bomb on me about a secret he was keeping. How he felt compelled to let me know before we try Only after trying for a few days he said he just couldn’t try anymore because he didn’t want to go through another breakup. He chose her because I had rejected him over and over again. Why should he screw up a good thing he had with her for someone that may reject him all over again. I couldn’t believe my ears since he was so adamant about making it work so his child could have both parents under the same roof. Now things were different.

Anyway, this is getting entirely too long so I will sum up what is going on right now.
About a week ago we Skyped so he could see our daughter. After that night he began to change. He told me he still had feelings for me but buried them because he was so hurt. As soon as he saw me he remembered how crazy he was about me. Lately he has been asking me hypothetical questions like – “would you ever consider marrying me in the future?” or “I was lying to myself when I said I had lost all feelings.” Then he changes and says that just because he asks me these questions doesn’t mean we will be together. Crazy making behavior!!!

The other night he actually apologized for sleeping with her and putting me through all this. It meant the world that he actually apologized. Then he tells me they may not be together anymore. I asked what happened and he didn’t want to tell me. But asked if I would believe they were having issues because of me. I told him I didn’t believe him since he had already chosen her over making a family with us. We hang up. He calls back and asks if I were to come out here would I marry him. I just said I didn’t know. He accused me of being wishy washy again. Our conversation ended with me needing him to figure out the details about where we’d live. Then he said he’d call the next day. It has been 3 days since I’ve heard from him. He has NEVER done this. He hasn’t even texted to see how our daughter is.

I am so hurt and don’t understand what is going on. I feel as if he’s abandoned us and it has to do with this girl he’s seeing. How could he go from wanting to fight for his kids to this? He isn’t even the same person I knew before.

Well I will leave it at that since this story could go on and on. But I am so depressed and cry everyday. I cannot stand this anymore. Is he still abusing me? Please help………….I know he is my daughter’s father but I feel like all he was angry with me about – keeping our child from him – he’s now doing.

Anyone……I need an objective opinion as to what he is doing. I’m so beside myself I don’t know what’s going on.

[OneRiffTooMany]

Take a restraining order out against him.
He is wasting your time.
hope things smooth out for you

[Nola22]

Hi Jasmina,

I'm sorry you are facing such ridiculous and unfortunate circumstances, especially at a time that ideally should be filled with happiness and excitement as you bond with your new daughter (mazel tov!). Your ex's childish machinations are inappropriate and downright preposterous, and offer you a glimpse of your future with him should you go head and marry him. Please let me ask you a few questions:

When he dangles his other relationships/liaisons in front of you, do they really make him seem more appealing as a life partner?

Do you want to potentially spend the rest of your life with a man who raped you in your sleep while pregnant during a time he purported to want to care for you?

Is this man going to be a decent father figure for your daughter? Do you want your daughter exposed to the whirlwind of drama this guy whips up everywhere he goes?

Don't go to California with your infant daughter. Stay at your mom's and cultivate a safe, loving environment for you and your daughter there for the time being. You and your child's safety and well-being take precedence over your ex's game-playing. Time will tell whether or not he has sincere intentions toward you, but based on what you've offered here, I wouldn't bet on it.

Sorry, Jasmina. Best of luck to you.

[Yoda]

Lose him. He is bad for you and your child. Too many problems going on with him to think he will be a good husband ever.

[AAAAA]

Don’t even get me started on the “good Catholic” thing. Things have changed a lot in the church if divorce and pre-marital sex are now acceptable. It sounds like he will use any excuse in the book to do what he wants when he wants.

If you feel violated with that morning sexual experience then it was wrong. Rape… I don’t know it is a gray area. I may get some grief but I think in this case his intent (was he trying to be seductive or was he just going to have sex whether you wanted to or not) defines it. Some of the best sex I have had with my husband has started when one or both of us are asleep. Without being graphic, my husband has started sex many times with a caress while asleep. Afterward he used to say something like “thanks! You should wake me up like that more often!” To which I would reply “you started that! YOU woke ME up!” Now he just asks “who started that me or you?” But perhaps the main difference here is that I am in a loving, trusting relationship.

I could write a book on how unhealthy this relationship (as you have described it) is. But the fact is none of that really matters you have TWO priorities in your life now: 1) Your child 2) Yourself … in that order.

It really doesn’t sound like either one of you are in a place to be in a good relationship right now. It sounds very much like the grass being greener on the other side of the road and you OWE it to your child to give her a stable life. Do you really think you can do that with that roller coaster? It doesn’t sound like he can commit to dinner plans let alone a single person to be in a relationship with. Things are working out with Ms. Wonderful so why not go back to you until something better comes along?

This is NOT a good time in your life to be making long term decisions. Being a new parent is overwhelming. Don’t fall into the trap that being with him will some how magically make things “easier” or “better”. Your hormones are all over the map and being a parent will take up ALL of your time. Whoever came up with the idea to have a baby to save a relationship obviously has never had a child. Children are the biggest blessing and greatest gift we will ever have in this life, BUT they strain even the healthiest relationship. You have no privacy until they’re like… well mine are all adults now and I’m still waiting for that privacy we had before the kids were born. 2015 is looking promising but then there are the grandchildren and my mother is getting older, she may be moving in at some point… You have to be able to compromise your own desires for what is best for the children and secondarily what is best for yourself and each other. You have to be able to trust that when your partner is asking for something they need they are being honest rather than manipulative.

Sex is an excellent example. There have been many times over the years that I’ve agree to have sex with my husband not because I was in the mood, but because it’s been a long time and he’s only human. Don’t get me wrong, there were no underlying issues, I was just bone tired. And every time I thought “wow, I’d forgotten how much I like this, we need to do this more often.”

If you get married and issues come up (as they do in ALL relationships) does that means its ok for him just to find random people to have sex with because things aren’t working out right now? He couldn’t remain monogamous while you were carrying his child! In fact what has he ever done to make you believe he would honor any commitment to you at all? He’s shown you twice over that his own flesh and blood, his children don’t rate on his priority list. I’ve said it a million times if a man (in this case) doesn’t take care of his own kids, he’s certainly not going to treat you well.

As I understand it HE moved back to Cali. This is a decision HE made, he must live with the consequences. Think long and hard about making that move yourself. Once you agree to move out there, he can actually prevent you from bringing the child back to IL where your family is. Am I confused? Doesn’t he have TWO families in the area you are in? The family he moved there to be near and your child? And STILL he decided to move to the other part of the country? I call that really bad parenting! My own husband would follow his children (not as an excuse to be near me but to actually be a part of their daily life) even if he had to work to take two jobs working at McDonalds to support them.

Love and commitment do NOT have an expiration date. The amount of work he has to do to become a good father and husband takes years not days.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Unfortunately, I don't think he has really changed or ever will. He is controlling and manipulative. Don't let the desire to have a "family" for your baby outweigh the need for safety and security. In terms of the sex during sleep, if you didn't consent (which you couldn't, because you were asleep) then it is rape IMO. While I don't want to tell you what to do, I can tell you I have many regrets for marrying young. I was pregnant and wanted my child to have a "complete family". The deeper into this you get, the harder it will be to get out. Utilize the support you have (your mom). And I think your instincts might be telling you that this needs to be over with - sorry if that sounded harsh. Hang in there and keep us posted!

He is playing mind games with you so he can continue to control you - don't let it continue.

Do you want your daughter to be raised with this man? Who didn't care that you were sick?

Take a look at the signs of Domestic Violence and see how many he fits....just from your email it sounds like a lot.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

[IceCreamKid]

I suggest you get a lawyer and work out a custody and support agreement and take responsibility for birth control for youself if you are going to have sex and don't want another child. A lot of men like sex without a condom, but you could get HIV or another sexually transmitted disease continuing to have sex without a condom, and as you have already experienced, some of those men have sex with multiple partners.

[Jasmina]

I appreciate all the support everyone has given me here.

Nola22: Since you asked these questions I will answer. They were good for me to take a better look at myself.

"When he dangles his other relationships/liaisons in front of you, do they really make him seem more appealing as a life partner?"
It would seem quite obvious what my answer should be. However, it has been so painful that he has chosen someone else over me. I view it as reflecting upon me as a woman - that apparently I just wasn't good enough. But deep down I know this is ridiculous and unhealthy considering his character. But I see now that he will never be able to truly commit to any woman. Therefore I couldn't see him as a life partner. I doubt he even knows what that role even consists of.

"Do you want to potentially spend the rest of your life with a man who raped you in your sleep while pregnant during a time he purported to want to care for you?"
Absolutely not!!!!! To this day he still claims he didn't mean it that way. His intentions were to make me feel good. Yeah.....whatever!

"Is this man going to be a decent father figure for your daughter? Do you want your daughter exposed to the whirlwind of drama this guy whips up everywhere he goes?"
He has already proven by leaving all his children behind to move elsewhere that he isn't fit to be a parent. I do not want my daughter to get caught up in the abuse he dishes out. If he is able to treat me this way how could he ever respect his own daughter.

Jadedmoonbeam, I checked this website out. It has been very helpful. I continued to research more about abuse and came across something quite interesting. I'm no clinician but I think my ex has some narcissistic/borderline personality tendencies. I felt as if I was delving into the dynamics of my relationship with him. Quite the eye opener!

After not hearing from him for 4 days I finally texted him. (couldn't help it.....) He said he had been busy. Although I felt in my heart he had gotten back with his little gf. I was right. He said he was getting ready to choose me and dump her but didn't because I've been acting nuts. I asked why he'd ask if I'd ever marry him. He said that he wanted to make me feel better and not hurt so much. Unreal.............
Well, he wanted to fly my daughter and I out there to visit in a few weeks. He wanted to stay with us overnight in order to get up with our daughter through the night to bond. Now he isn't able to because his gf won't allow it. When he told me this I couldn't believe it. So he was allowing her to keep him from bonding with his child, the very thing he crucified me for doing to him. I was furious and got so mad at him. How could he let someone he's just met take the very thing he so wanted away from him, yet remain with her? But when I kept him from bonding with our daughter, or so he says since I didn't go off to California with him, which robbed him of precious time with her - he dumps me for it.
He didn't know what to say when I gave it right back to him. I honestly don't think he saw that he was being hypocritical.
So I told him to not contact me until he got his priorities straight! Now he's using his usual guilt trip on me about denying him his daughter because he can't stay with me. This was last night. He's called me today and texted a 'how are you two today?'. But that was it.
I am extremely emotional right now and don't know what to think. Everything he was adamant about us being a family and how he wouldn't let anyone come between him and his kids has been tossed aside. All the torture he put me through for almost a year. All the ranting and raving about what a terrible mother I was to keep him from bonding with his unborn child - GONE........... Less than 2 months......gone!
There were moments today where I felt strong. Then other moments when I felt sad. I don't know what to think at this point. I cannot wrap my head around what is happening. I wanted to share our daughter with him. At least this time when I do visit. I fantasized about us being a family and having that experience. All our plans to do that aren't even relevant anymore. It was funny because when I asked that I thought that was what he wanted - his reply was, 'well I did want that, but right now it can't be that way'.
I've decided to write up a NO CONTACT CONTRACT. I have to cut him off. But there is a part of me that wants him to feel bad for what he's done. Not so much what happened when we were together but what he's done to me by choosing this other girl.

I don't know............my heart has been ripped to pieces. I just wish I could get a better grip on things and see him for what he truly is. Not romanticize this dead beat.......who isn't even worth another tear. It's so difficult to know someone for loving you then turning into someone completely different. I feel like I'm dealing with two people at this point.

[kitty004567]

You said, "All the torture he put me through for almost a year." If I had read nothing else in your post that says it all. I think you're right to cut off communication and if it was me I would hire a lawyer (if possible) and make it so he cannot see his daughter. I know it sounds harsh but if this is the bs he pulls with you how will he treat her? It seems that he has managed to damage your self esteem so you feel responsible for his actions. Do you want your little girl to grow up feeling the way you do now?

I've had friends in similar situations that did get married. They're now divorced and raising their kids on their own. Why put yourself through that heartache? I agree with Nola22, stay home - don't go see him. Work on a happy home environment, one that you and your daughter can both flourish in without his interference. Most of all, cherish your child and yourself.

Originally Posted by Jasmina

I appreciate all the support everyone has given me here.

Nola22: Since you asked these questions I will answer. They were good for me to take a better look at myself.

"When he dangles his other relationships/liaisons in front of you, do they really make him seem more appealing as a life partner?"
It would seem quite obvious what my answer should be. However, it has been so painful that he has chosen someone else over me. I view it as reflecting upon me as a woman - that apparently I just wasn't good enough. But deep down I know this is ridiculous and unhealthy considering his character. But I see now that he will never be able to truly commit to any woman. Therefore I couldn't see him as a life partner. I doubt he even knows what that role even consists of.

"Do you want to potentially spend the rest of your life with a man who raped you in your sleep while pregnant during a time he purported to want to care for you?"
Absolutely not!!!!! To this day he still claims he didn't mean it that way. His intentions were to make me feel good. Yeah.....whatever!

"Is this man going to be a decent father figure for your daughter? Do you want your daughter exposed to the whirlwind of drama this guy whips up everywhere he goes?"
He has already proven by leaving all his children behind to move elsewhere that he isn't fit to be a parent. I do not want my daughter to get caught up in the abuse he dishes out. If he is able to treat me this way how could he ever respect his own daughter.

Jadedmoonbeam, I checked this website out. It has been very helpful. I continued to research more about abuse and came across something quite interesting. I'm no clinician but I think my ex has some narcissistic/borderline personality tendencies. I felt as if I was delving into the dynamics of my relationship with him. Quite the eye opener!

After not hearing from him for 4 days I finally texted him. (couldn't help it.....) He said he had been busy. Although I felt in my heart he had gotten back with his little gf. I was right. He said he was getting ready to choose me and dump her but didn't because I've been acting nuts. I asked why he'd ask if I'd ever marry him. He said that he wanted to make me feel better and not hurt so much. Unreal.............
Well, he wanted to fly my daughter and I out there to visit in a few weeks. He wanted to stay with us overnight in order to get up with our daughter through the night to bond. Now he isn't able to because his gf won't allow it. When he told me this I couldn't believe it. So he was allowing her to keep him from bonding with his child, the very thing he crucified me for doing to him. I was furious and got so mad at him. How could he let someone he's just met take the very thing he so wanted away from him, yet remain with her? But when I kept him from bonding with our daughter, or so he says since I didn't go off to California with him, which robbed him of precious time with her - he dumps me for it.
He didn't know what to say when I gave it right back to him. I honestly don't think he saw that he was being hypocritical.
So I told him to not contact me until he got his priorities straight! Now he's using his usual guilt trip on me about denying him his daughter because he can't stay with me. This was last night. He's called me today and texted a 'how are you two today?'. But that was it.
I am extremely emotional right now and don't know what to think. Everything he was adamant about us being a family and how he wouldn't let anyone come between him and his kids has been tossed aside. All the torture he put me through for almost a year. All the ranting and raving about what a terrible mother I was to keep him from bonding with his unborn child - GONE........... Less than 2 months......gone!
There were moments today where I felt strong. Then other moments when I felt sad. I don't know what to think at this point. I cannot wrap my head around what is happening. I wanted to share our daughter with him. At least this time when I do visit. I fantasized about us being a family and having that experience. All our plans to do that aren't even relevant anymore. It was funny because when I asked that I thought that was what he wanted - his reply was, 'well I did want that, but right now it can't be that way'.
I've decided to write up a NO CONTACT CONTRACT. I have to cut him off. But there is a part of me that wants him to feel bad for what he's done. Not so much what happened when we were together but what he's done to me by choosing this other girl.

I don't know............my heart has been ripped to pieces. I just wish I could get a better grip on things and see him for what he truly is. Not romanticize this dead beat.......who isn't even worth another tear. It's so difficult to know someone for loving you then turning into someone completely different. I feel like I'm dealing with two people at this point.

Having been in this type of relationship in the past, I can tell you from experience - he will dangle whatever he can in front of you to get you to react.

He knows if he tells you he wants you, it will make you feel good, then he says he wants to be with the girlfriend, and you feel bad...it's a sick twisted game that he may not even be able to keep from playing but you can stop...every little bit of contact you have with him is enough for him to have a hold or for him to think there is still hope.
even a
'no contact contract" is still having contact.
stop talking to him and if he wants to spend time with your child use a 3rd person to do the communicating for now.

I know it's hard. There's a lot of "if only's" and "what if"s but trust me, he isn't going to change and he's going to keep hurting you. if he really loved you and cared about you, he wouldn't have done all of this to you and keep stringing you along.

[Jasmina]

Jadedmoonbeam, I'm a little confused about the 'no contact contract' still being in contact with him? How does that work?
Why does he want a reaction from me? What does he get out of going back and forth - wanting me and not wanting me? Once he said, "now you know how it feels to be rejected. This is what I went through when you rejected me over and over again.". It almost feels like this is retribution for him. I've seen him take revenge out on his ex for taking their kids away from him. So I know he's capable. Why would he want to keep stringing me along only to have me there if he wanted me back? I know these are obvious questions. However, it helps when they are answered objectively. So bear with me.

Originally Posted by Jasmina

Jadedmoonbeam, I'm a little confused about the 'no contact contract' still being in contact with him? How does that work?
Why does he want a reaction from me? What does he get out of going back and forth - wanting me and not wanting me? Once he said, "now you know how it feels to be rejected. This is what I went through when you rejected me over and over again.". It almost feels like this is retribution for him. I've seen him take revenge out on his ex for taking their kids away from him. So I know he's capable. Why would he want to keep stringing me along only to have me there if he wanted me back? I know these are obvious questions. However, it helps when they are answered objectively. So bear with me.

Even if you go to him and say I want to have a contract with you,
he sees it as "she's talking to me"
so he'll say ok, let's do this.
You put together a contract, and he'll look at it and say he doesn't like something about it, so you are still in contract with him.
Every time you talk to him you are giving him the opportunity to play with your emotions.
Even if you have that "I'm never going to talk to him" conversation, it gives him a chance to get back in your head.

If it feels like retribution, it probably is - men like that are usually very passive aggressive...
It took over 2 years of games and crying and abuse for me to get away from my ex and when I ran into him 3 years later he started right back up and i had to get a restraining order on him.

You asked

Why would he want to keep stringing me along only to have me there if he wanted me back?

He wouldn't keep stringing you along if he wanted you back. If a man wants to be with you he would. End of story.

Why does he want a reaction from me? What does he get out of going back and forth - wanting me and not wanting me?

It's a sick twisted game that abusive people play - I think they get off on the power trip it gives them, it's a manipulation tool - they tear you down to nothing so you are weak and then they make you feel like they are the only ones that can do anything for you. they become almost like a drug to you - you said you couldn't help texting him after 4 days right?

I had so many friends telling me, warning me, begging me to get out of my relationship. You are so lucky to be in a different state. change your cell phone number - don't be in contact with this man - get some counseling - you will be amazed at the relief you feel when you get out from under his spell.

Take a minute and think about how bad he makes you feel. how many bad things has he done to you....i'm going to guess they outweigh any good you've gotten from him in the last year. If he loved you he never would have left you, if he loved you he never would have gotten with someone else, and if he loved you, he never would make you feel as awful as he does. I know I may sound mean but I do this from experience and true concern and caring for your wellbeing.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more about this off of the forum.
GOOD LUCK and be strong.

[Jasmina]

Thank you Jadedmoonbeam for your concern.
Actually I thought the 'No Contact Contract' was one I make with myself. I agree that including him in the contract would give him more opportunities to abuse me. So I don't plan on doing that.
This is such a difficult predicament I'm in since he is the father of my child. Still I feel strongly about her knowing him. He is so crafty in creating doubt in myself as a good mother.

[Jasmina]

Thank you Jadedmoonbeam for your concern.
Actually I thought the 'No Contact Contract' was one I make with myself. I agree that including him in the contract would give him more opportunities to abuse me. So I don't plan on doing that.
This is such a difficult predicament I'm in since he is the father of my child. Still I feel strongly about her knowing him. He is so crafty in creating doubt in myself as a good mother. I really shouldn't listen to his verbal attacks. Yet he is able to lure me into thinking I'm causing our child harm by not allowing him to see her. According to him in order for me to mend this father-child relationship I must move to California. Ok.......so he expects me to leave my entire support system and move my 3 month old across the country to live alone. If we were going to be together and he wasn't so abusive I would. But if I go there the way things are now, he'll rub his new gf in my face and make my life miserable. It is beyond my understanding that he is able to justify leaving ALL his kids behind - expecting me to follow him. His justification for leaving was to finish his degree where he already had credits. It would take him an extra year or so if he finished here in Illinois. In my opinion that was just another excuse for going back home to his parents.

[SmackytheFrog]

If I were you I'd change my phone numbers, my e-mails and just have nothing to do with him. He sounds like a retched, abusive, worthless scumbag. Neither you or your daughter need or deserve this kind of treatment. Look at what it's doing to you already! It will only get worse as time goes on. Just cut him out of your life, you don't need him and obviously he's not truly interested in being there for you or or daughter. If he was he wouldn't have moved to CA.

You are a strong, wonderful woman and a great mother. The fact that you've held up against this abuse for this long is amazing, but you don't need to go through it anymore. Focus your attention on raising your daughter because she deserves your attention - not him. He doesn't deserve the dirt on your shoes.