[Martina]

A few months ago, I suggested a date night once a week, even if it's just in our own home, just to spend time together.

He didn't want that.

This week, I got a copy of the Love Dare at the library, and made cards for each day, editing out all the religous crap because we are not religous. I showed them to him. He laughed. And won't do it with me.

On the surface, our marriage looks fine. We are generally happy, we get along, we rarely fight, we both love our daughter more than anything in the world, and all seems well. Right?

Yeah. We haven't had sex in 3 months, and the time before that was a YEAR.

I wish I could just get over the affectionate side of the relationship but I need him so much. I need to feel wanted.

It's not just in the bedroom, he rarely even kisses me, cuddles, says nice things to me, any of that. It's all business.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know we won't improve that area of our relationship until we are communicating better and actually in love, but I don't know how to accomplish that.

And what if there's some reason for this that he can't control? He's done a few tests in the past, but maybe it's something else we haven't thought of. Maybe at the age of 30 I've just had all the sex I'm ever going to have for the rest of my life. How do I get happy about that?

Can a sexless marriage truly be happy?

[Martin^^]

Do you feel that he has already left the marriage, emotionally?
A few couples can get by without much sex, if their sex drives are similarly low, but the complete lack of affection you describe indicates real trouble.

Can a sexless marriage truly be happy? Marriages do not feel happy or sad - people do. The way you write shows that you are deeply unhappy with your lack of a sex life. That is not going to improve unless something changes, though you may become accepting of it and settle for an unfulfilling relationship.

[mgran]

I'm sorry your husband laughed. I can't imagine how bad that felt... my husband was paralysed below the waist for the last few years of his life, and he made an effort to make me feel beauitful and wanted. I didn't even have to ask him... it never crossed my mind once he lost the use of his lower limbs. But he thought how I might feel, and put the effort in for me. I read something like this, and I think, even though I'm widowed, I was always beloved. I've probably had all the sex I'm ever going to have, but we enjoyed every minute of it.

Your husband may laugh about it, but he should grow up. Sex is for grown ups. He's depriving you... I am so sorry. Plese let us know what happens next?

[cutebagaddict08]

I'm sorry he made you feel bad and laughed at you for your suggestions. That's not right and not acting like an adult either.
It can take a toll on a marriage if one partner is acting like they've already 'left' the relationship, at least the itmacy or emotional part. I think marriage can survive without the physical aspect of sex, but not without some form of intamacy (this can mean an emotional connection also.)
Have you tried talking to your husband, and even if it's hard asking him "If he's happy with the way things are in your relationship?"

[eskielover]

sounds like your marriage has always been low on the sex part of it. Many times it's the woman who has been sexually abused that isn't interested in having sex in marriage......could it be that your husband went through something in his childhood or before being married to you in the way of abuse or something that has made him not interested?

Other point might be like for me.....I realized before I got married that I didn't want to marry my husband because of how irresponsible I realized he was just before we got married....but being young & my mother insisted that He would "grow up" which he never did....my lack of respect for him was all part of not loving him & in the process, really didn't want to have much to do with him sexually either.....so the less the better for me....it was about my feelings for him that weren't there & I should have listened to my gut feeling before getting married....for me it had nothing to do with any sexual abuse, just a real lack of feeling for my husband......sometimes those feelings aren't talked about or even recognized until like me...they came to realization after I finally left him after 33 years of being married. It wasn't that my love grew cold....it was never there in the first place.

Of course, there can be other reasons like if a man has a fling or an affair & is afraid of passing on any possible STD's which would be a dead give away that they weren't faithful to the marriage.....so they just stay away from having sex so they don't get found out.

Ugh,,,,,,count the possible reasons.....besides even the possibility that he may have problems in that area which could be a medical problem & just doesn't want to deal with it.

Maybe you could open up some communication & find out where he's coming from in this area. Know that if a husband really loves his wife, even if the sex end of the marriage isn't good, the feeling of love still comes through as intimacy is more than just sex.......sounds like he has some serious intimacy problems that he's not wanting to deal with or get treated .

Hope you get some answers soon

[AvidReader]

Martina, if it's any comfort, my marriage is in almost exactly the same spot. My husband and I haven't been intimate for more than 8 years (!). We were in couples counseling, and that was helpful while it lasted, but the last session ended disastrously. He has never said a word about it since, and it's been about 8 weeks. We never go out, either, and we're supposed (per the counselor's suggestion) to have a date night at least once every couple of weeks.

We used to do "cuddle time" each night, but even that has gone by the wayside; it's been several months. And my husband rarely, if ever, touches me, just a quick peck on the lips when he arrives home from work.

Like you, I long for some physical and emotional affection, just a little, even a word or two.

I am truly sorry to hear you sound so unhappy. Have you suggested couples therapy to him? It did help me and my husband for awhile; it provides a safe, more protected environment in which to communicate.

I wish you the best. Please do keep us all posted.

P.S. And I'm sorry he laughed at your Love Dare suggestion.

[missbelle]

It is what it is....you can do all the things in the world yourself to make a relationship work, but if the other party chooses not to participate...well there is nothing you can do about their participation. They have made a choice.

Now what do you do about you? Can you live like this now, or do you deserve more...The definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result!"......Is that you? Sit down and figure what YOU want from any relationship, and does this meet your expectations, and do you deserve more. You only go around life one time......is this the way you seriously want to go?

If you love this person, and are willing to accept things the way the are and accept them just the way they are, then you got to realize they are not going to change!!!!

But.....if you feel that you deserve more,.... then you really need to think about this relationship, and whether you want to really grow old with THIS person!!

[Martina]

We tried marriage counseling. First counselor had a stroke after our 2nd appointment (he's fine now, but he was on leave for over 6 months). Second one just didn't have very helpful suggestions for some things, and we ran out of our 6 free EAP sessions so my husband didn't want to keep going. Then I made the mistake of bringing him with me to my own individual therapist. Yeah, don't EVER do that! It didn't turn out well. Especially when she tried to delve into his childhood....not pretty. He wouldn't come back.

If he has some physical thing preventing him from having sex, fine. I'll do without. But what the heck is preventing him from giving me a KISS? Or a hug. Or a cuddle. Even in places where there is no option of it leading to sex at all.

Is there a Viagra for physical intimacy NOT in the bedroom?

The thing is, I love him too much, and I love our daughter too much, to break us apart over something as meaningless as sex. We are generally happy, and honestly I don't think our sex life is having any impact on our daughter. She has no clue. And I would hate to shuffle her between two homes and force me into bankruptcy just because I don't get laid. Then I'll just be single and sexless.

I don't know why I keep going over this. It is the way it is, and I'll never be happy.

[Martina]

Ok I will admit this. I have suspected for several years that the problems with intimacy come from his childhood. He hasn't spoken to any of his family members in over 20 years (he turns 40 next month), and goes to great lengths to make sure they can't track him down. When we moved to Oregon, we had our mail forwarded to a friend, who sent it to us - just so his family couldn't go to the post office and find our forwarding address. I've never met any of his family members, and none of them have met me or our daughter. I don't even think they know our daughter exists.

But he flat out refuses to tell me anything about his past - and swears to me up & down that he was never abused.

But what do I do with this? You don't just cut off ties for no reason. Something had to happen. Obviously there wasn't much love. If he loved his family, he wouldn't cut them off for 20 years.

So, maybe that's why he has problems with sex and intimacy. But he won't talk to anyone about it, so what can I do?

Is there a way to shut off my sex drive so I just don't think about it anymore? They have libido boosters, how about a libido killer. Yeah, right, like anyone would market that. Some of my meds are supposed to have negative effects on sex but I wouldn't even know, since we never do it.

[anniepickle]

Wow...If I didn't know better I would think we are married to the same guy. My husband will mention his family from time to time but I can never seem to pry anything out of him about his childhood. At least know that you are not alone and that there are others suffering in similar situations. If nothing else drop me a line for a sympathetic ear.