[Nightside of Eden]

I have basically been crying for over 24 hours straight now. First it was over another friend, but somehow I didn't screw that up quite as completely as I had thought. But while I was so upset I tried to talk to my best friend and she said that she can't cope with my problems anymore and that we aren't friends anymore.

The reason she's my best friend is because she doesn't pull stupid dramatic crap. This isn't going to blow over when we're both in better moods. This is for real.

I know i'm poison to everyone around me. I'm so dark and hopeless when I have bad moments that I drag everyone else down with me, make them feel as bad as I do. I've driven my husband deep into depression too.

I'm posting this here because I'm desperate. As horrible as I am and as many people as I have hurt I can't give up because of my husband. Losing me would kill him. And I won't do that. I just desperately wish someone would talk to me and tell me how I can stop being so horrible and driving everyone away. Or at least give me some hope that there's a way to fix this.

The worst part is I'm not like this all the time or even most of the time. I have plenty of good moments, even whole good days, and try to pretend I'm normal as much as I can. I was even getting better. But even one off moment is all it takes to destroy everything and I just don't know how I'm going to get through tonight, or tomorrow, or anything past that.

And I still can't stop crying.

[krisakira]

A few years ago, I lost my best friend because a new anti-depressant med i was on made me feel suicidal and I attempted suicide. She didn't understand that it was not my fault. When she found out, she said I was being selfish, and called me a baby, and that I never deal with my problems but just run away from them. Which is the opposite of what I really do. I think she felt scared of me dying, but did not handle it appropriately. Some people just do not understand, and probably never will. That is not our fault. They just don't know what to do and what being a friend really is. Sure, being a support to us with our illnesses can lead to some stress and discomfort, but that's what being a friend is all about. We don't need people in our lives who are just going to ditch us... but unfortunately, it happens. And it is extremely painful, but we get back up, find others to be friends with, and can go from there (eventually).

You are not a horrible person. Yea, there are people who hurt us, and we hurt some people along the way, that's normal. You aren't worse or horrible or dark and hopeless, or a poison. You aren't some monster just hurting everyone in your path. I have felt the same feelings as you have described, especially when I lost my best friend. I actually eventually lost my boyfriend because of another suicide attempt. Actually, I've had a lot of people desert me due to my mental illnesses. But there are some people who haven't left me. I fear sometimes that my current boyfriend will "give up" on me. But after it happening so many times in the past, it seems like a legitimate worry.

Anyway... Loss is very hard no matter how you lose something or someone. But I hope you will realize it was NOT your fault and that obviously this friend of yours has her own issues to just ditch a friend in need. Life is worth living because of the good in it, no matter how much or how little, if there is 1 good thing in this world, it is worth fighting for.

[Lexi232]

((((((((((((((((Nightside))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is happening, and i relate as i have recently lost a best friend, tho i was on the other side of it.
i know if my best friend were to come to me and show or tell me she was working on the issues that tore our friendship appart and that she was willing to work at our friendship and not just me doing all the keeping together and patch work, then i would definantly give her more tries. Maybe your friend is something like this?
Loosing anyone is bad, but loosing a best friend is like loosing a family member and can run deep. so i do get it... I really wish i could be there just to hug you.

Also know that, if she was your real friend she would be there... when you needed her. (even tho me and my best friend have went from best friends to basically enemies, i'm still there for her when things go wrong.. i'm just not... a best friend anymore who takes everything she dishes out if that makes sense... like recently she lost one of her parents.. i was still there for her, because ... idk.. the friendship is still there, even tho i'm mad at her and dont know what else to do for her... its still there... secretly... ) <-- maybe there's a chance your best friend could be like this as i am?

and I agree with Krisakira, you're not a horrible person. and no ones perfect..
maybe its her with the issues, and not necessarily you

And your a great person to chat with in the chats!

[Nightside of Eden]

Thank you both so much for responding.

Originally Posted by krisakira

Anyway... Loss is very hard no matter how you lose something or someone. But I hope you will realize it was NOT your fault and that obviously this friend of yours has her own issues to just ditch a friend in need.

She does have her own issues. Her life is even more overwhelming than mine. She can't help me because of that. I know she would've if she could've, but the email was still basically her saying she couldn't deal and it was over and she was sorry.

Half this hurt is because its so horrible what's happening to her, she has the exact same set of problems I do and all the hurt... it's just too much. Understanding doesn't make me feel any better, though. In fact, it would be easier if I she was doing it out of meanness because then I could just hate her. As it is I still love her and can't blame anyone except myself.

Life is worth living because of the good in it, no matter how much or how little, if there is 1 good thing in this world, it is worth fighting for.

I know you're right about this. There are good things in the world. The bad can just block it out sometimes, at least for me.

Lexi, I did tend to go to this particular friend with my problems more than anyone else except for my husband. Because I felt like she understood and always knew what to say and could help. But it was a two-way street, I always tried to help her too. Then again, I've been told several times that I'm no good at helping people and actually make things worse when I try to help, so maybe me trying to help was part of the problem?

Either way, I know all of this is my fault and I just hope you're right about me being able to fix it if I try hard enough.

Originally Posted by Lexi232

And your a great person to chat with in the chats!

Thanks, Lexi, though I'm having a pretty hard time believing anyone likes talking to me right now.

I finally did stop crying (maybe ran out of energy) and am going to try to sleep. The one friend still talking to me told me I shouldn't destroy my livelihood by just taking off--he's right that destroying work will not bring my other friend back.

So I'll just try to sleep and not cry so much at work that I have to leave, I guess.

[nice girl]

I can totally understand the pain u might be going through. . . .
And no u r not at all horrible. . . .
Stop thinking u r. . . .
I'm so glad u shared what u r feeling with us. . . .
It's not ur fault u r depressed. . . .
Every one does at one or the other point of time. . . .
It's just taht u r going through a bad phase of life right now. . . .
Loads and loads of prayers for u. . . .
May ur best friend understands and get's back to u. . . .
I can understand how hard losing a friend can be specially when u said she has a lot of her own problems to cope with. . . .
I wish u happiness and hugs if u need them . . . .

[nice girl]

Originally Posted by krisakira

A few years ago, I lost my best friend because a new anti-depressant med i was on made me feel suicidal and I attempted suicide. She didn't understand that it was not my fault. When she found out, she said I was being selfish, and called me a baby, and that I never deal with my problems but just run away from them. Which is the opposite of what I really do. I think she felt scared of me dying, but did not handle it appropriately. Some people just do not understand, and probably never will. That is not our fault. They just don't know what to do and what being a friend really is. Sure, being a support to us with our illnesses can lead to some stress and discomfort, but that's what being a friend is all about. We don't need people in our lives who are just going to ditch us... but unfortunately, it happens. And it is extremely painful, but we get back up, find others to be friends with, and can go from there (eventually).

You are not a horrible person. Yea, there are people who hurt us, and we hurt some people along the way, that's normal. You aren't worse or horrible or dark and hopeless, or a poison. You aren't some monster just hurting everyone in your path. I have felt the same feelings as you have described, especially when I lost my best friend. I actually eventually lost my boyfriend because of another suicide attempt. Actually, I've had a lot of people desert me due to my mental illnesses. But there are some people who haven't left me. I fear sometimes that my current boyfriend will "give up" on me. But after it happening so many times in the past, it seems like a legitimate worry.

Anyway... Loss is very hard no matter how you lose something or someone. But I hope you will realize it was NOT your fault and that obviously this friend of yours has her own issues to just ditch a friend in need. Life is worth living because of the good in it, no matter how much or how little, if there is 1 good thing in this world, it is worth fighting for.

Thanks for sharing ur pain with us. . . . i can understand the pain u must have gone through. . . . Sometimes friends who haven't seen or been through our side of life fail to understand the phase we are going through. . . . Very reason i never share all of my thoughts with my extremely close friends too. . . . cause i feel they won't ever understand the pain i'm going through. . . .
Hope for the best for u . . . . tc. . . .

[nice girl]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

((((((((((((((((Nightside))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is happening, and i relate as i have recently lost a best friend, tho i was on the other side of it.
i know if my best friend were to come to me and show or tell me she was working on the issues that tore our friendship appart and that she was willing to work at our friendship and not just me doing all the keeping together and patch work, then i would definantly give her more tries. Maybe your friend is something like this?
Loosing anyone is bad, but loosing a best friend is like loosing a family member and can run deep. so i do get it... I really wish i could be there just to hug you.

Also know that, if she was your real friend she would be there... when you needed her. (even tho me and my best friend have went from best friends to basically enemies, i'm still there for her when things go wrong.. i'm just not... a best friend anymore who takes everything she dishes out if that makes sense... like recently she lost one of her parents.. i was still there for her, because ... idk.. the friendship is still there, even tho i'm mad at her and dont know what else to do for her... its still there... secretly... ) <-- maybe there's a chance your best friend could be like this as i am?

and I agree with Krisakira, you're not a horrible person. and no ones perfect..
maybe its her with the issues, and not necessarily you

And your a great person to chat with in the chats!

Thanks for this. . . . i pray all get's well between u and ur friend too. . . . Wishing loads of happiness to u. . . . tc. . . .

[Nightside of Eden]

Thanks nice girl.

I did make it to work, though it's hell to focus on anything.

I still haven't told my little brother what happened. He was close to my best friend too, and he's even more fragile than I am. I can't bring myself to tell him all the bad stuff that has happened. It's going to break his heart...

We're supposed to fly back to London tonight and we'll be leaving behind my other best friend (who has been no help at all through this because he's in the depressive phase of his bipolar) and my husband's best friend too.

[mgran]

I'm so sorry, Nightside... it is one of the worst feelings when friendships disappear. It's happened more than once to me, often because of my condition. Please don't feel that you're a horrible person. There are still people who love you, and care for you. And I do think that if your friend was really a friend she could have gritted her teeth and got over it. Or said "I can't cope with this right now, I need a break." But to completely ditch the friendship is harsh. I understand she has her own issues, but still... I'm very sorry. (((hug))) hopefully being back in London, in a different environment, will help distract you for a while from your feelings.

In the meantime, another (((hug))).

[(JD)]

It's a horrible feeling to lose a friend... well, someone you thought and talked to as a friend. I think what's so horrible is the realization that they really weren't a friend in the first place! You've been betrayed and that's devasting...well it feels like the end of the world.

Sigh But it isn't the end of the world after all.

Once you're finished crying, try to set your thoughts straight. We all have baggage, not just you. Some people are so self involved they don't have time--or maybe energy--for others, not really. You'll find someone or maybe two people who will be real friends, in the future. This has made you much wiser.

[Lexi232]

Originally Posted by (JD)

It's a horrible feeling to lose a friend... well, someone you thought and talked to as a friend. I think what's so horrible is the realization that they really weren't a friend in the first place!

That is SO true...

And Night, I enjoy chatting with you. We also seem to understand eachother a lot. hehe.
There's a saying I recently read. i believe it's from Marilyn or someone where it states "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you dont deserve me at my best".
Feel free to lean on me if you ever need a listening ear with no judgment, or advice, or just someone to rant with.

[nice girl]

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

Thanks nice girl.

I did make it to work, though it's hell to focus on anything.

I still haven't told my little brother what happened. He was close to my best friend too, and he's even more fragile than I am. I can't bring myself to tell him all the bad stuff that has happened. It's going to break his heart...

We're supposed to fly back to London tonight and we'll be leaving behind my other best friend (who has been no help at all through this because he's in the depressive phase of his bipolar) and my husband's best friend too.

I'm sorry to hear u r going through soo much. . . .
Well u have to tell ur brother eventually either now or later. . . .
I knw it's hard to break such a news but be strong u have to tell him.
I pray things get better for u......... loads of warm wishes and luck......

stay well keep sharing wat u r going through with us. . . .

[Nightside of Eden]

Thanks everyone so much for your support.

I have mostly worked things out with my friend. She emailed me and apologized and explained that she was overwhelmed with things happening in her own life. Of course now I feel pretty bad for flipping out, and my husband feels even worse as he was the one who initially got mad at her. But, really, what she was telling us made no sense and we are not telepaths--there was no way for us to know what was happening in her house unless she TOLD us.

I'm very glad I held off on telling my brother anything until I actually understood what was happening. His reaction was bad enough, to knowing how badly things are going for my friend. *sigh* I hope we're all healthy enough to fly soon, my property agent in London is getting annoyed with me, I think. Then again, with the market the way it is, I suppose the seller isn't likely to back out of the deal over a week or two's delay.

I'm still kind of shocked by who put their own problems aside to help me last weekend and who didn't. It did not go at all the way I expected. The next time I have a problem the order of who I ask for help will definitely be different.

[Lexi232]

I'm glad things are working out!
And you're right, there's no way you could of known.
Also, try not to feel bad, we all have feelings and emotions, and the things around us can affect them. you have a right to feel the way you did, and act on it as you did. *big hugs*

I hope you all are healthy as well! Not just because of moving, but because it's nice to be healthy *hugs*

[krisakira]

I'm glad to hear things are working out, but I don't think this is one of those moments where you should pretend it didn't happen. I think you two should continue talking about all this stuff... cause odds are, it wasnt just "oh i was just overwhelmed about this or that", there's a reason she said those things to you and her own problems feeling overwhelming was just a reason to let all those feelings out. saying those kind of things to a friend doesnt just happen when you are stressed, out of the blue. good luck with everything.

[LJMG]

Hi Nightside. I came on here not knowing what to expect or how I even got here. My best friend is manic again and it is very difficult to watch. Tonight I was at a loss. She is so sick and making very unsafe decisions. I have done everything I can think of to help her. Like in the past, she is extremely upset with me because I am the one that "reports" her unsafe behaviors to her family members etc etc. Right now, people close to her are avoiding and refusing to be in contact. Her parents have honored her request and traveled on plane home because they were nervous of the result if not. So I guess the purpose of responding to you is this. It is hard. The hardest part is not being able to control or predict the next thing. It is this way because, no matter, we care about you. If we didn't, then we wouldn't have taken it so personally. Reading your experience was very impacting for me. This time, this current mania has honestly hit hard and after the sequence of events that occurred tonight, I was at a loss.
I know you wrote here looking for advice. But, now I am hoping that you can give me advice. What do I do? How can I help? What is the best thing to do in a crisis? What do I do if her parents and family members are out of state and no longer as involved in fear that she will do something significantly drastic?
I just want to know what I can do. I am never going to condone this behavior nor am I ever going to tell her what I feel about it. Do I just continue and let it happen?

I am sorry that your friend is no longer there for you. The only thing I can say is this. Your friend does not have bipolar. She has no idea what it feels like. If she's out of the picture, and it is more then just "backing off," then it is what it is. I can't imagine completely deserting my friend because of her behavior when manic. Yes, it is hard. Very hard. Clearly, I am still sitting here so late at night talking about it. It is easy to give up. It is hard to keep up. Some people can take it, some people can't. You need someone that can and that is not going to give up when things get hard, or take things personally/to heart. Its like finding the person you love.
So my advice to you would be this. She's willing to leave when things get hard..so how can you rely on her? if she wants to be a part of your life, great. But you know in your heart it will never be the same.

Good luck.