[mistyeyesnva]

The b/f and I talked and decided to get back together ..However, I still have some issues that I am having a hard time with. I have talked to him about them and he always gets mad or thinks I am wrong for thinking the way I do.
It all started right after I moved here. I seen some things going on with one of his family members that I didn't like. him rubbing her feet ( both are in their 30's ) neither have been married nor have children. I saw him comming out of the bathroom while she was in there taking a shower ( he told me he was shaving) I have a huge problem with this...maybe I am jealous but I feel I have a right to be. He makes me feel like it is me and my problem that I can't deal with this. I don't think I can accept it but I love him with all my heart & that is why it hurts so much. It might be normal for close families to act like this but I wasn't raised that way. I'm so confused and I can't sleep because I worry so much about it. We have been to canceling but he stopped going because it was costing too much. I need help I know .....I don't know how to feel about it or what to do ...if you have any ideas please let me know....

Hello, mistyeyesnva. Loving someone is what may allow a relationship to start. It takes more than love to nurture the relationship into a mature and lasting bond. It is not good that he refuses to have any consideration for your concerns.

Both of you have much work to do to make the relationship viable. If either of you is unwilling to do the work, some tough decisions will need to be made.

Good luck.

[madisgram]

misty i have to agree with the byz. a relationship is based on mutual respect of each other, trust, and the willingness of give and take.
i find your bf's behavior re a family member alarming and unhealthy. follow your gut feelings about this.
sometimes we think we love someone and if we square off the truth we realize we think that "we love" someone and yet all they do is "take". you deserve better imho.

[lotusflames]

i think i'd have been more than a bit concerned if i was in your position too!

Thing is, usually people who feel they cant trust someone feel it for a REASON! It's usually NOT irrational and is based on fact they just dont know about it.

[Leed]

i have to agree with everyone on this. Who IS this family member anyway? This is a bit alarming if you ask me. For a grown man to go into the bathroom while a grown woman - and NOT his mate -- is showering is a bit weird !! He has no business being in there. I don't care if he's shaving or picking his teeth !!

He isn't respecting your feelings ~ and he probably isn't going to counseling because the counselor said something to him that he didn't LIKE. If he's not going to do part of the work to help this relationship, then it's not as important to him as it is to YOU. I 'd be doing alot of thinking about this whole thing and try to make a decision that was the best for ME. It might not include him. Best of luck and God bless. You deserve better. Hugs, Lee

[mistyeyesnva]

Thank you for all your responses. I have tried to be strong in all this but he is very much set on IT'S ME & NOT THEM.He went to her house alone the other evening to pick something up and I can't help but wonder what else he got while he was there. I suggested we go together but the fact that we live apart and I am across town made it difficult for him to wait for me. It makes me wonder all the time .IF he did this in front of me, what are they doing behind my back? I have tried to move on but he keeps calling and makes me feel like you know what for not talking to him.wanting to move on. He can't sleep. He feels sick. etc etc etc...I love him & I feel for me to totally move on is going to be hard.They both know how I feel about the subject and they have convinced me it's my upbringing and nothing is going on.....I have 5 brothers and 3 sisters but I NEVER and would NEVER allow them to rub my feet or touch me in anyway...nor would I run around in my underwear around them. I feel sick just thinking about it...probably shouldn't have talked about it on here but I don't have anyone else to talk with.....thank you again...hope everyone is enjoying their evening oh and one other thing.....he has told me " IF his family knew I was talking about them like I do , they wouldn't have anything to do with me " I don't really care if his sister talks to me ....neither of them have been married nor have any children ..She has been in like 6 relationships ( all failed) and she thinks its them not her ...things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm....

[sabby]

I have tried to move on but he keeps calling and makes me feel like you know what for not talking to him.wanting to move on. He can't sleep. He feels sick. etc etc etc...I love him & I feel for me to totally move on is going to be hard.They both know how I feel about the subject and they have convinced me it's my upbringing and nothing is going on

Maybe you can think about it this way. Regardless of how you were brought up, you still have the right to feel the way you do about their behaviors. If it is bothering you, it is bothering you for a reason. For that reason alone is plenty of reason to end this relationship. If you think it's going to be hard to end it, just think of how hard it's going to be to try to maintain or move forward in the relationship.

Do not allow him to sucker you into believing that you are wrong in how you feel. You are not! Do not allow him to manipulate you into staying with him because he can't sleep and feels sick, yadda yadda yadda. That is his responsibility, not yours. Your responsibility is taking care of yourself and living your life to your expectations, not his or his sisters.

Wishing you well!

[mistyeyesnva]

Thank you all so much, I feel much better just knowing I'm not alone ( well, in life I am but not on this sight lol) Thank you for listening......have a great day!

[joliette]

You guys need to go to a counselor together and have someone who is neutral listen to the situation

[mistyeyesnva]

We have been to counceling...He ( the councelor called me jealous ) however, if I told him everything I think he would have changed his thinking. The b/f loved every minute of him grilling me about my jealousy ...we went 4 times and the b/f decided he didn't want to go anymore...he said, he wasn't getting anything out of it...I feel it was because we were starting to get to the core of the problems. I don't know but I'm just praying I can stay strong ...I can't be with someone that makes me feel I can't trust him while I'm not there. he knew when he went to her house that it was going to upset me ...I told him I would go with him but I guess it wasn't the right time for him...I don't know. but , if they do things in front of me then what are they doing behind my back ? when you are in a relationship ... the only person that should touch you is your mate...am I wrong about that?

[RomanSunburn]

I'm just curious. I'm having a little trouble understanding the situation. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and only have one sister, no brothers.

What exactly upsets you? You said this was his sister, correct? I know that when my sister and I shared a bathroom, if one of us needed to brush their teeth while the other was in the shower, we didn't question it. We'd open the door, say "Don't mind me!" and we both went about our business. Not having a brother, I can't say whether or not my opinion on that matter would change at all.

I do find the foot rub a little weird, but that's more to do with me finding foot rubs weird by themselves. I don't like the idea of my fiance giving me one.

I also don't think my fiance would think twice about walking around in his boxers in front of his sister. And I can't say it would bother me.

Do you believe that your boyfriend is having an incestuous affair with his sister?

Are you and your boyfriend from the same culture? Perhaps there are other factors playing into how they interact.

I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings or worries, not in the least. I'm only trying to understand what you're saying more fully. If something upsets you, I believe you should be able to tell your boyfriend, discuss the manner calmly, and be able to come to a compromise. It bothers me more that he isn't willing to listen to your feelings and try to work through them with a therapist. The fact that he simply tries to pin everything on you, instead of trying to see your point of view, and then refuses to let you leave him is far more upsetting to me.

I think you should consider seeing a therapist for yourself if you are not already. I'm worried about your self esteem. Right now your feelings are not being validated, and I know that can be hard on one's self-worth. Only if you're secure in yourself will you be able to take complete care of yourself and do what is necessary to make yourself happy, which is far more important than what may or may not be going on with your boyfriend and his sister.

Good luck and remember to take care of yourself!

[mistyeyesnva]

I totally understand the confusion. in order for me to tell all I would have to write a book for anyone to understand.
When I came here to be with him we were very happy , within days of being here I started seeing things that I thought were weird but I tried to think positive and knew the family was close. after the 3rd night of being here . I was told that I couldn't sleep with my b/f in his parents home because HIS sister didn't think it was right so I slept on the couch. The next morning I woke up and he was comming out of the bathroom. I said to him" babe , you left the water running. he said" no, his sister was taking a shower, I asked him why was he in there while she was in there and he said " he was shaving" . he teases her about her back side to put it nicely..she teases him about his hair. If he leaves without saying goodbye to her she freaks out . the part about rubbing her feet . she was laying on couch and he just leaned over and started rubbing her feet...I was so confused and I was so far from home that I didn't know how to react to it. very hard for me to fit in because they are so close..one time I kissed him on the cheek and got blasted for showing affection in their presents ( if that makes since) his mother hated me at first , still not sure if she likes me or just pretending . I don't know...but , I do know that it's not worth the heartache anymore. I am living here in his territory and don't have any friends other than the people I work with . life is so lonely but I believe in my heart it will get better ...it cost way too much to go back home and my kids are settled here now so I am staying for now..this is just a few of the things that are wrong with us....that is why , I am trying to move on without him ..when things were good with us it was great..but , when it is bad its real bad so what is a person to do ? we are like two rats on one of those wheels trying to keep it going and too afraid to jump off or don't know how to stop it...for me , I'm losing a friend and so afraid to be alone its very frustrating.