[Shadow Wraith]

My wife and I have been married for five years. We have a beautiful and wonderful little girl. My daughter seems so much happier when my wife and I are together. However, our marriage seems to have reached the point in which I can't take it anymore. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. Yet, she will frequently criticize me over about almost anything. The topics of non-constructive criticism range from leaving something out of place, to having a few drops of water on the counter to her belief that I could work if I wanted to. On the latter point, no matter how hard I try to explain how much it hurts me that she doesn't believe me when I break down, I'm not just faking it. Maybe it's because dealing with depression, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, peripheral neuropathy, and severe acid reflux tend to vary wildly in intensity. Sometimes I feel "normal" most of the time on a major life functioning scale of 1 to 10, with my disabilities, with a "1" being lowest severity/intensity to a "10" being the highest. On average it is around a 5. It's just very inconsistent. In addition, my wife will think I'm mad at her or depressed when I am feeling very overwhelmed. My feelings seem so intense sometimes that I feel like I am going to explode. The main point is she thinks that I didn't go to work consistently because I just didn't want to and anything. No matter how much medical evidence there is to back it up, it doesn't make a difference. This is not to mention my wife and brother-in-law are both on disability for so-called "physical disabilities". This is just an example of the hypocrisy and double standards she holds.

The other major issue has been the fact that I didn't help my mother-in-law move from her house to an apartment. This is someone who is far from being someone who can't afford movers. My wife made it sound like "he (her step father) has guns and you never know when somebody is going to go "crazy". My mother-in-law was moving out whenever her husband was at work. She was deciding what stuff to take. This is similar to what my wife had done to me. Except she took everything out of the house when I was at work. My wife doesn't understand why I didn't want to get involved. This is after I offered and did help a lot of her family move just a week prior to this. I also said I feel worried about injuring my back (I'm 38) and/or getting an Inuinal [sp] (groin) hernia. Almost every male on my paternal side has had a hernia. Surgery scares the hell out of me.

When it comes down to it, she doesn't seem willing and/or capable of letting go of my mistakes. She seems like a very bitter, angry and resentful acting person. She doesn't believe she can count on me even though I hardly ever say no to her requests. Which, I admit I am far from perfect. Sometimes I may get a little irritated about something and she assumes I'm furious about it. I do want to work on being a more positive person. I want to be more optimistic. I complain too much about things going on in the world. I have trouble seeing good outcomes Yet, in this case I feel like I can't do this anymore. I believe she doesn't care about me or love me no matter what she says. I go out of my way to stop whatever I might be doing to help her. I'm a person who believes behavior says a lot more about how she feels about me than how she claims to feel about me. Other "warts" of mine include worrying too much, forgetting things, and having trouble being organized and extremely neat.

Anyway, we both have our own apartments. I proposed that we have an arrangement of staying at her house 3 or 4 days a week and then staying alone at my apartment, and her alone at hers (except our daughter gets about equal time between us when we are not together. The alternatives were to just "date" or just divorce. I figured this would be worth a try instead of just repeating the same mistakes of getting back together completely only to get "kicked out" by my wife. Wow, I was wrong. My wife said she would go to counseling, which I was open to going together or separately, but she refuses to. I feel so angry, despondent, disappointed, confused, etc. Unfortunately, spiritually speaking, I don't feel it would be right for me to divorce her unless she cheats on me. I feel as though I made a promise to her and God. I'm a person of my word and I will keep it. As far as my wife or anybody else, it is not my place to judge what they do. They must follow their heart or conscience. Yet, I wish she would just let me go for good. I feel so emotionally drained and damaged.

I apologize for this being so long. I haven't proof read it so some of it may be rather raw and disjointed. If you read this through my venting, I thank you.

David

[Leed]

Hi David ~

You said in one sentence that she offered to go to counseling and then she refused to go ~ which is it?? WILL she go to counseling with you? It sounds like you BOTH need it. It would certainly be worth a try to save the marriage since you have a precious little girl.

One of your problems seems to be communication. I don't think you communicate at all. You may TALK to one another, but no one listens!!

And there's a lot of resentment between you ~ Resentment is like a cancer - it eats you from the inside out. The people we resent don't know we resent them, so all we're doing is hurting ourselves. If you hold a grudge against your wife, what good does it do? She doesn't know it. It's just eating YOU up. So you might just as well get rid if the grudge! And bringing up things from the past is a no-no. It doesn't solve things ~ it just makes things worse, so why do it?

Counseling would help both of you set boundaries and learn to get along better. I hope she'd be willing to go. You both owe it to your little daughter. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Shadow Wraith

This is similar to what my wife had done to me.

I'm so sorry you are having difficulties with your marriage. Your wife sounds like my stepmother's and my relationship; both of us anxious/controlling.

If you would like to stay with your wife, I would try to ignore the criticisms, respond with something pleasant ("I wish that were possible!" when she carps about your not working) and just more or less saying something positive and supportive so there's no where for her to go with the criticism.

Being positive in yourself with your statements about yourself, has to shut down her criticism because she can't argue about "you" and what you feel. It's the old "relax" and you are harder to carry off the protest site trick :-)

But it does sound like she is just carrying on from what she learned from her mother. Have you all tried therapy together? With both of you on disability though, sounds like your relationship is more ingrown/together than one would normally be and not much else "exciting" going on? It could be you don't "just let go of your wife" because you can't imagine anything else?

[Shadow Wraith]

Hi Leed,

I have been the one who wants to go to therapy. She said she would prefer to go to counseling alone. However, she refuses to do that. We have gone to counseling, but she seems to think that you can go to therapy for a couple of sessions and then everything is magically ok in the marriage. Maybe it's not helpful to think this way, I just feel like if she really cared about our marriage then she would go to counseling. Her mother, twin sister, and others think she really needs help. I know I need help to. The counselor didn't simply just tell my wife what she wanted to hear. The counselor didn't side with me, she was rather objective about both of our problems. My wife thinks she can do things to work on her part of our marriage.

I admit that there are things I can change about myself. I go to counseling every other week. I just can't make a marriage work alone. One cannot change how a person feels, thinks, or behaves. She likes to just stay in her comfort zone. She is resistant to trying almost anything different. If nothing is done differently, it is already quite apparent that nothing is going to improve.

There is resentment on both sides. I do admit I feel bitter. I want my wife and I to be able to talk about how we feel and think without feeling like we are trying to navigate through a minefield. I tried to talk to her about how I feel and what I want out of our relationship. She just won't listen. She appears to just think that I myself try to take the easy way out. It's as though I'm just making up my disabilities. I on the other hand do not have a trust problem with what she says about how her disabilities affect her.

I feel very frustrated because sometimes I am talking to an open minded, listening, and reflective person. The wife I married. Then I never know when she is going to just decide to attack and belittle me.

Thanks for your advice.

David

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi David ~

You said in one sentence that she offered to go to counseling and then she refused to go ~ which is it?? WILL she go to counseling with you? It sounds like you BOTH need it. It would certainly be worth a try to save the marriage since you have a precious little girl.

One of your problems seems to be communication. I don't think you communicate at all. You may TALK to one another, but no one listens!!

And there's a lot of resentment between you ~ Resentment is like a cancer - it eats you from the inside out. The people we resent don't know we resent them, so all we're doing is hurting ourselves. If you hold a grudge against your wife, what good does it do? She doesn't know it. It's just eating YOU up. So you might just as well get rid if the grudge! And bringing up things from the past is a no-no. It doesn't solve things ~ it just makes things worse, so why do it?

Counseling would help both of you set boundaries and learn to get along better. I hope she'd be willing to go. You both owe it to your little daughter. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Shadow Wraith]

Hi Perna,

She can definitely be very insecure with a very strong urge to make sure she is in control. I don't like being her doormat. I don't want her to submit to me like an "inferior" person. I just want her to be a relatively equal partner in our marriage.

I have tried to ignore her criticisms. I've tried active listening skills. I know that I am too sensitive. After a while, I can't seem to resist standing up for myself. In our last argument I kept my voice calm, I acknowledged what she said, I tried to find common ground, etc. It didn't help. She would just keep repeating the same things over and over again.

Anyway, now she has unilaterally decided that it would be best for us to have a break from each other. She thinks we should just think things out. We've done this several times. Once again, when there is an opportunity to work hard on overcoming our marital issues, she runs a way. How can I trust or even communicate with someone who just bails on me. Every time she pulls away, I just want to just get away from her. I want to end this ridiculous cycle. It may sound stupid to some people but my conscience what allow me to just get a divorce.

I also agree that we did at least tend to spend more time with each other than the average couple. That's why I proposed the compromise not being completely separate but not just jumping back into the same pattern together. It's a vicious cycle. I thought maybe there was a way to break the cycle by trying to balance our time together and apart temporarily until we worked out more of our problems. I'm tired of being stuck. I want to find myself again...I want to go on with my life.

David

Originally Posted by Perna

I'm so sorry you are having difficulties with your marriage. Your wife sounds like my stepmother's and my relationship; both of us anxious/controlling.

If you would like to stay with your wife, I would try to ignore the criticisms, respond with something pleasant ("I wish that were possible!" when she carps about your not working) and just more or less saying something positive and supportive so there's no where for her to go with the criticism.

Being positive in yourself with your statements about yourself, has to shut down her criticism because she can't argue about "you" and what you feel. It's the old "relax" and you are harder to carry off the protest site trick :-)

But it does sound like she is just carrying on from what she learned from her mother. Have you all tried therapy together? With both of you on disability though, sounds like your relationship is more ingrown/together than one would normally be and not much else "exciting" going on? It could be you don't "just let go of your wife" because you can't imagine anything else?

I'm tired of being stuck. I want to find myself again...I want to go on with my life.

This is what you want to do. Do you have a plan to get it done?

[Shadow Wraith]

Byzantine, no I don't have a plan. It's very complicated since I have to think of my daughter. I don't feel it's right for me to divorce her unless she cheats on me. If she divorces me, that's fine with me.

[salukigirl]

Being a child who was used a pawn during my parents divorce - it sucks (I was 7 when she left). I can't take sides because it was both of them. My dad would tell me things about my mom to try and make me choose sides. My mom would drive me to my dad's house while he was gone so she could get something from the house that was hers and that way she didn't have to deal with them.

Divorce will not change a thing about how you two deal with your daughter. When my parents were still married I heard screaming constantly. When they were divorced I had to try and filter out what my parents would tell me about each other. They couldn't even come to my sister's college graduation party and be civil. They have been divorced almost 17 years and they still hate each other. I would say my mom is closer to forgiveness and actually being "over it" than my dad, but still.

Either way the child gets hurt. It sounds like both of you have a lot of resentment towards each other and keeping the kid in that environment doesn't do anything but hurt. I would be a lot more messed up if my parents had stayed together. At least this way I got to see what real love is between my mom and step-dad. Seeing my parents like that for so long has led to me being terrified of commitment. I wish they would have divorced sooner actually. Just giving you my POV from going through it.

[Shadow Wraith]

Hi Salukigirl,

I appreciate you telling me about how hard it was to be a child that had to deal with be treated like a pawn. My parents stayed married for 25 years. They didn't get a divorce until I was well into adulthood. Like you, there were many times I wish they would get a divorce. For me, I know that both people are generally responsible for a relationship falling apart. Despite knowing this, I still tend to harbor a little bit of resentment towards how my dad treated me.

Anyway, my wife and I have agreed that we will not talk bad about the other parent regardless of whether we get divorced or not. I believe it is wrong to hate someone. I actually kind of feel sorry for my wife. She has to deal with a lot of physical pain and depression. That is why I go out of my way to help. However, I think that sometimes she goes to far and tries to take advantage of me. If she asked in a kind and respectful way for help, I don't mind helping whenever I can.

I love my wife and daughter. No matter what happens, I want my daughter to suffer the least possible consequences if our marriage ends legally. If I say bad things about her mother, that will hurt my daughter and vice versa. I actually just talk about her mother in a positive light. I don't want my daughter to feel like she has to choose a parent. She needs both her mother and father no matter what.

As far as this post goes, it really comes down to the fact I felt my wife was trying to say I was a "bad" father for saying no to her on a very rare occasion. Maybe I am just making too much out of being accused of not want to spend time with my daughter. My wife and I are both way too sensitive.

Originally Posted by salukigirl

Being a child who was used a pawn during my parents divorce - it sucks (I was 7 when she left). I can't take sides because it was both of them. My dad would tell me things about my mom to try and make me choose sides. My mom would drive me to my dad's house while he was gone so she could get something from the house that was hers and that way she didn't have to deal with them.

Divorce will not change a thing about how you two deal with your daughter. When my parents were still married I heard screaming constantly. When they were divorced I had to try and filter out what my parents would tell me about each other. They couldn't even come to my sister's college graduation party and be civil. They have been divorced almost 17 years and they still hate each other. I would say my mom is closer to forgiveness and actually being "over it" than my dad, but still.

Either way the child gets hurt. It sounds like both of you have a lot of resentment towards each other and keeping the kid in that environment doesn't do anything but hurt. I would be a lot more messed up if my parents had stayed together. At least this way I got to see what real love is between my mom and step-dad. Seeing my parents like that for so long has led to me being terrified of commitment. I wish they would have divorced sooner actually. Just giving you my POV from going through it.

[Leed]

When the parents aren't getting along, or are resentful of one another, the children KNOW that - believe me. My parents never got along, and all 4 of us kids were very much aware of it. Then they were fight ~ and of course we heard it and it scared the daylights out of it.

I think a child does better if the parents are divorced, than having to live in a household with parents who fight, argue, resent each other and walk around on egg shells. Children know this, and consequently THEY feel stressed to the hilt ~ I know I did!! I never knew if something I would say would set them off and they yell at ME or what. Kids don't understand the workings of a relationship like that. I remember HOPING my parents would get divorced so I wouldn't have to listen to them fight anymore. But they never did.

It might be better for your child to go your separate ways. At least your child would have quality times with both of you without having to listen to quarrels afterwards. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[pollo31]

I think you need to try something new. Since she hasn't been listening to you, you should try to get her attention, bring her flowers one day. Suprise her, she might be off gaurd at first, but im sure it will make her smile. Maybe you need to spend more time together. Ask her questions about how her day was. Then go on into a larger conversation. If this does not work, sadly you may have to leave her. You have to remember to spend as much time with your little girl though. It's important to keep a strong relationship with her. Do not try to compete with your wife though about weather she likes one parent over the other. This will only make the situation for her a lot worse than it would already be.Good luck, I hope you are able to fix this problem.

[jerrymichele]

Sorry to hear about your marriage. Marriage is hard work. Alot of times people take the relationship for granit. I would also like to say that when your wife is putting you down it's not healthy for your daughter either. Your daughter can pick up on this, and think it's ok to treat you or other people like that. I'm not saying she will, but kids do learn a lot from their parents. It can also tell your daughter that it's ok for someone else to treat her like that. Maybe you don't believe in divorce, but you can change the dynamics of your relationship with your wife. I hope everything works out for you. Take Care.

Shadow Wraith,

First off, it sounds like you're somewhat religious not wanting to get a divorce unless she cheats on you. Well, pm me I have a lot to say about that. I'm pretty well versed in the Bible so beware... Moses did tell the people that if they were stubborn let them divorce. Some times people are so stubborn and unwilling to change or accommodate the mate that divorce is the only option. nobody is wholly compatible right from the start, everybody needs to work to make the marriage work.

Secondly, it sounds like you are taking an awful lot personally. Remember that it's not always about you. It could be about how your wife was treated as a child. Hurting people hurt people. Think of your wife as a hurting person, that may help you to have more compassion.

If she refuses therapy then there is nothing you can do. I got a divorce and wasn't comfortable doing so until I had exhausted all avenues for reconciliation. Once I did it became okay for me (religiously and all) to get a divorce. The mental illness played a huge part in my husband leaving me. i can't control what he thinks about my illness. If he can't cope with it or thinks I'm making it up there is nothing I can do. You can only live your truth and not anybody else's.

Also, I don't hear much in the way of you taking responsibility for your part in the marriage not being ideal. Sometimes it can be one sided but not usually. I would encourage you to look at ways you can improve things.

Finally, it sounds like you need support. PC is a great place to get that support. If you can find a local NAMI in your area that is a great place for mental support. It stands for National Alliance on Mental Illness. google it and perhaps get some support from understanding people.

Good job reaching out for help. You seem to be doing a lot to try and figure this out. Keep it up.

Love and Hugs,
Tara