No phone call on Easter from my bf, how bogus is that?!

Hi everyone, so my SZ bf (whose away at college) only sent me an ecard on Easter but no phone call! What`s more I hadn`t heard from him since the April 18th. He had been doing pretty good with the communication till last week. (quick background) I had been planning to dump him for a long time for many months and agonizing over the decision and had resolved to finally do it the last time I wrote on this forum a while back. Since then I talked to him asked him if he was too busy to put the neccessary attention back into our relationship and he said he would work with me on the relationship. Well I`ve come to realize something about him, he thinks sweet talking will fix everything and make me happy but it won`t! real actions only help. but I think its very hard for him to put words in to actions. and whats more he is not consistant and that bothers me. its like he doesnt get that something more than words is required of him he`s so wrapped up in his own thing I feel neglected and I just resent him. this is just a rant not that Im looking for solutions because i already know that leaving him would be the answer. at this point we are 3 months away from our 8 year annaversary and i cant help but think there is nothing to show for it.

Take care of yourself and don't go nuts over him. He may not be the guy for you. What is important is you and your feelings!

Not to play devil's advocate here, but have you told him specifically, in detail, what it is you want from him?

Are you two long distance? (I'm sorry, I haven't read any of your other posts, and this is just a quick message before I head out the door to work). How often do you get to talk? How often would be ideal for you?

I guess I'm a little confused because he probably thought an e-card on Easter was what you wanted -- you seem to not like his "sweet talking." Perhaps he viewed the e-card as more action, less talk.

Also, you say he's at college. Are finals coming up? Is his semester about to end? Is he really busy with classes?

I get the feeling that your mind is already made up, which is perfectly fine. I am not trying to persuade you to stay with someone you don't want to be with. Your decision will be the right decision for you. I just wanted to make a suggestion if for some reason you do decide to keep the relationship going. Be very specific with him. What actions are you looking for? For instance, do you want him to call you every Tuesday and Thursday? Send you a card in the mail once a month? Play games on line on a regular basis? Simply tell him exactly what you want and exactly what he can do to make it happen.

I hope I didn't come off as being pushy; I just wanted to give you another view point. Good luck! Whatever you do, remember to take care of you and your needs first!

Thanks MissBelle and Roman Sunburn, I appreciate the advice. Roman Sunburn, your comments are very helpful. I`ve been extremely specific with my bf about everything I want out of him for the entire relationship. I don`t know how his mind and reasoning and logic skills work but from what I can gather he is only able to do very little of what I need. Out first hurdle as a couple was that I wanted him to be emotionally stable. That took him 4 years to accomplish, that was before he was diagnosed and treatments for Schizophenia and that 4 years I didnt know what was the matter with him but i urged him to get help, to no avail. So after treatment he was brought to a very high level of stability in which time he started rebuilding his life. that last 3 three years so we are coming up on our eighth year. last may i noticed he got paranoid and delusional about me going to some school functions and he`s not really been been the same since. becoming distant is the issue and hes never been a distant guy prior to a year hes had severe emotional issues but never distant. hes always been very involved in my life and we were inseparable. the problems started first when he didnt send an ecard on my bday not calling on christmas then he forgot our anniversary which was valentines week. the thing that bugs me is he now just either calls or ecard but not both hes became a slacker in our relationship there no consistancy now. he doesnt seem to understand that. he screwing up at work now and takes it really hard but he screwing up little things he doesnt pay attention to detail he just does a medeocre job in his endeavors. t he doesnt know how to properly balance his activities he goes really hard core on one area such as our relationship but now his involvement is falling apart because he cant balance properly and i am really mad at him and ive told him what the problem is trying not to be mean about it and he says he will do better but he doesnt. i dont know if i should just accept that he has major limitations or leave things would be ok between us if i didnt expect anything from he and didnt need to trust him. consistancy and reliability is the major rift that has caucesed problems in this last year

P.s. to clearify he`s always made it a point to be in contact with me all the time like to the point where he was obsessed! i hated it at first in the early years of our relationship but i slowly adapted figuring he needed the extra support that has gone on for the 7 or the almost 8 years we`ve been together and this past year that need for him to be in constant contact and always be with me has suddenly seems to vanish. you`d think that id be happy to get my space to breath back but its the opposite. being in a smothered, unhealthy relationship has forced me to conform to his ill way of thinking but finally getting space has caused me to spiral into depression, constant anxiety and stress. boy am f-ed up and was f-ed with my own issues before I even met him!

P.s. to clearify he`s always made it a point to be in contact with me all the time like to the point where he was obsessed! i hated it at first in the early years of our relationship but i slowly adapted figuring he needed the extra support that has gone on for the 7 or the almost 8 years we`ve been together and this past year that need for him to be in constant contact and always be with me has suddenly seems to vanish. you`d think that id be happy to get my space to breath back but its the opposite. being in a smothered, unhealthy relationship has forced me to conform to his ill way of thinking but finally getting space has caused me to spiral into depression, constant anxiety and stress. boy am f-ed up and was f-ed with my own issues before I even met him! I guess that when i started out with him i wanted to fix him once i started to see he wasnt like everyone else, he had no job, no money, no social life and college education. I was in community college at the time and had high hopes for myself but struggled with self esteem and confidence issues now im finishing up university and i still have the issues because i never got to take care of my own needs first I was forced by my my bf`s guilt tripping to attend to his needs. Im slowly coming to grips with the reality that he may never be able to meet my needs really I dont think he has the ability to. i hate that is has taken me darn near 8 years to realize that the best that he can do is probably only at the level of a child yet he is a 32 year old man! his emotional intelligence seems to be at maybe a 15 years old`s level Im just being real not trying to be mean. I also wonder if he might have some autisic issues. sorry for the grammar I`m using my cell phone.

so my bf finally texted me about an 1 hour ago. and he flat out lied and said he answered all my texts in the past week and called but he didnt! he`s f-ing liar! and this has happened a few times before. It starts out where he was saying he was stressed about work which he did last week, then i sent periodic texts 2 see how he was doing and no replies, i stopped texting and waited for his replies and nothing. sunday i texted to wish him a happy easter no response. i waited 4 his call nothing. i texted yesterday nothing today i texted he finally replied and said he answered all my texts and called which is a lie. He also said he hadn`t heard from me so he thought I didnt want to talk 2 him. which makes no sense! he mst be having an ill episode. but what gets me is he said he called but i saw no missed calls or voicemails from him. i got mad and told him i never got any messages in the past week i called him after i texted him and his phone went straight to voicemail and i told him 2 call me. im so pissed at him! i its so annoying and i know ill never be able 2 depend on him i just wish he would b able to work on this bs.

Sakura,
I'm sorry to hear about how complicated your relationship has been for so long. I can understand why you're frustrated, as he doesn't seem to be very stable. Is he getting treatment? Seeing a therapist? Medications?

It is always within your right to walk away from any relationship. You don't even have to have a reason; if you aren't happy that's reason enough.

I'm thinking if you're still not ready to let go of the relationship, and you two are close enough distance wise, perhaps you could go to therapy together. I'm not honestly sure what they would do, but it could be helpful. You could also look into support groups for partners of those with serious mental illnesses (Check NAMI?).

My last note is about the missed phone call. Where I work, the hallway where our lockers are doesn't get any reception. The rest of the building is fine, but I leave my purse in my locker with my phone in it. If someone calls my phone while it's there and doesn't leave a message, I will never be notified of a miss call. My phone doesn't recognize it. I don't know if that's something that could have happened to you, but it is possible.

Take care!

Hi RomanSunburn, he has already done a treatment program successfully and his doc has weened him off meds back in March. Prior to that I was also complaining here for months that my bf was about to go of his meds trying to seek advice. I know disasters can happen with people go off meds, I've read too many horror stories.

He has no current therapist though I don't think he will want one either. We are not close enough to go together but I wish I could. I don't know how he would feel about having a mediator to intervene in our issues, though I would want one. I will be seeking assistance soon from a former professor whom I've know for 10 years, she is amazing and she works to help others on personal development and emotional healing issues. She has been through a lot and enjoys helping others with her work.

Finally, about the cell phone. Your right the call could have been dropped if he called me, anything is possible, however I have good reception with dropped calls once in a blue moon. I just think he's probably lying to cover this ***. Because a similar thing happened New Years. And he's not even a major liar which puzzles me even more. I don't know what to think, but I know he's having some kind of an episode because he thought I didn't want to talk to him anymore which is not true. When in fact he claims he just didn't get my messages. It just bugs me. I'm tired of being patient with him. I've done so much for him and I get little in return and I feel so angry and cheated.

And this cycle of bs between him and I keep going around and around. and it never ends. And about Nami I don't even want to bother because I want to get out of the relationship as soon as the semester ends for me. I need to be able to grieve the end of the relationship with out having school work to think about. because the relationship has already caused me to do poorly this year in school.

Anyway thank you for the suggestions, I just need to gather up the courage to finally dump him.

It does sound like you are being drained by this relationship and I completely support your decision to break up. Not that you ever needed my approval for anything. You have explored every option to stay together, whereas he is not putting in equal effort. It also seems like he no longer shows an interest in taking care of himself, and if he can't do that, he certainly can't take care of you or you him. The fact that he went off his medications and didn't continue with any sort of therapy leads me to believe he's not ready to take charge of his actions. Also, I agree about the phone issues happening more than just once.

I hope I never came off in a rude or simplifying way. I'm just a hopeless romantic and idealist at heart; they tend to get in the way I think you have a good plan. You are the most important person in your life and you have to take care of you first and foremost.

Thanks Roman Sunburn for your encouragement. Me and my bf had I long talk I explained to him that I was upset about what happened and he apologized. My bf is a hot mess somethings with his sz. Its challenging for sure. I will just need to try to open up the communication with him more. Instead of waiting for him to talk about things. Maybe that will help. i dont know. ill try to explore my options with him. thanks again for listening :-)

Sz can be very damaging to a persons social functions and it requires a lot of patience and understanding to handle. Many people have trouble understanding the social behaviour of a schizophrenic.

My own long distance gf is currently in such a bad condition that she can just about manage an sms or mail every few days, whereas before we would send ten in one day.

And that is not because she does not want to. Its her schizophrenia that is responsible for it. So I think it is extremely important to know in some detail what kind of impact sz can have on your bf's behaviour.