[2MuchCoffee]

I've been dating this guy for 9 months and have been frustrated with him off and on the whole time. Tried to break up with him a couple times, but I took him back.

At the start I was thinking this guy is a little negative, tough shell, he had a rough childhood and never learned some relationship skills, has no filter on his mouth - just says what he thinks. *shrugs shoulders* Hey, we all have our flaws. But now I'm seeing an escalation in things and I'm seeing that he really is being...abusive.

He withholds affection unless sex is involved.
When hugging, he always lets go first.
He never kisses me. I know, weird right? Seriously, very rare if ever.
He constantly criticizes me and things I do or don't do.
If I criticize him or complain about anything, he gets pissed and tries to give me the silent treatment.
Says he was diagnosed bi-polar but doesn’t think he really is and won’t take any meds.
When I busted him texting one of his ex-girlfriends, I decided he was only Mr. Right Now, “fine, I’ll talk to other guys, too” and find someone else to move on with. Well, he busted me on a first date with the first guy I met. So ever since then, the trust issue is always MY fault.
He denies ever doing anything wrong. Always brings it back to something I did wrong.
He's insanely jealous, paranoid that I'm talking to other men, convinced I even still have feelings for my ex-husband.
He snoops through my caller id and cell phone all the time. Grills me if he sees a "suspicious" name or number.
By the same token, he has his cell phone password-protected.
He snoops through my Internet browsing history, freaks out if I ever delete it.
He freaked out on me when I posted pics of his cat, him, us on my Facebook page.
He started hiding his friends list on Facebook. Then he created a whole new Facebook account and won’t add me as a friend to it.
He drinks constantly and often heavily, in addition to pot smoking and pill popping.
He has no job. Disabled from military. Can’t hold a job anyway. Thus always broke.
If I ever say no to sex, which is very rare, he accuses me of “getting it somewhere else”.

Recently, he was drunk one night and said “Maybe it’s time for you to move on.” I questioned him about it the next day and he said he was just “clowning.” Wtf?
That same night, we were in bed and he climbed on me (to have sex) and wrapped his arms around my neck and back then squeezed really hard until it hurt. I yelped and he got off me. Ever since my back has been messed up again.

There’s probably a lot of other things. The good does not outweigh the bad here. So I’ve decided to end it. But I am afraid of confrontation with him and of my own weakness. This morning before he left I asked him to give my spare house key back, just said I needed it in case I lock myself out. That made him mad, he threw the key on the counter and stormed around the house collecting a few things he had left there and took it all with him out the door.

This afternoon he texts me asking if I’m going to see him tonight. I say actually I’m really tired, I’ll see how I feel, will call you after work. He responds with, “You want to be alone? Right.” So anyway, I have to call him sometime tonight and make this the end of it. He's already been trying to call and text me while I'm at work because he's mad and knows something is up. I’m scared of the whole situation and a little nervous that he could be unstable enough to bother me or make trouble for me. Even though I’m embarrassed about the whole thing, I’ve made sure to tell a couple friends what’s going on so I have people to call if I need help.

[sabby]

Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing!

Instead of just letting friends know when he will be by to get his belongings, why not have a few over to be with you. He will be much less likely to start a bunch of crap when there are witnesses and you will be in a much safer situation.

I wish you well on getting him out of your life and moving on into a better place. Please take good care!

[missbelle]

I would run now and not turn back......he is one red flag after another...Stay strong and get rid of this man!!

[lastyearisblank]

This does not sound good. Bye bye, 2MuchCoffee's boyfriend. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Wishing you some better luck next time.

[greylove]

I just read "what's going on" with you 2Much. I am so sorry! That's a pretty troublesome list of traits and circumstances involving your soon-to-be X boyfriend. I have my concerns too, about his instability. He doesn't have a good track record. I think you're taking the only choice available to you. I think the suggestion to have a friend, or friends, over when you see him next is a good idea. Maybe you can get a feel for how he is going to react in the immediate future. I would defininatey urge to err on the side of caution.......I want you to be safe, and situations like these can quickly escalate with very undesirable consequences. Are there friends or family that you could stay with for a brief while until you get a feel for how things are going to go? I will be thinking of you 2Much...........please keep us posted almost minute to minute here..........it will be a worry until it's well behind you. Stay strong........hugs.......grey

[2MuchCoffee]

Last night I told him on the phone. He asked for a couple things he had left here and I had a couple things at his place. I said I was going to bed and would leave a box on the porch. He came over and ended up banging on the door and ringing the doorbell for a while. But he finally left. He called again later on but I didn't answer the phone.

Today is a new day.

Hello, 2MuchCoffee. I commend you for doing what was best.

[lxegirl]

i'm proud of you. don't let him control you. hugs!!

[2MuchCoffee]

I slept in today. Haven't done that in a long time, mostly cuz of the old bf being up all night long, keeping me awake and/or waking me up early to make him coffee. Anyhow, I slept in for a long time and it was glorious.

I've kept myself busy all day, trying to focus on positive things. I finished planting flowers and solar lights in my front yard and it looks great.

He hasn't called or texted me all day. I kinda half thought he might. But I suppose that shows how much he really doesn't give a rip about me. I'm sure he's already started talking to one of his other girlfriends by now. If he's scraped any money together he's probably out drinking tonight, too.

I know because of how crappy he's treated me I shouldn't care what he does. But it still kinda pisses me off. Whatever.

[sundog]

Well done for ending the relationship with this man (((((((((((2MuchCoffee)))))))))) I'm so glad you are out of that situation. It sounded pretty awful. Definitely the right decision to move on. Well done! Many hugs to you ((((((((((((2MuchCoffee))))))))))))))

[2MuchCoffee]

I still can't help feeling sad and lonely. I really can't believe he hasn't called. Probably good that he hasn't so I don't have the chance to be weak and let him back again. But still, am I that worthless to him? He said he loved me a few times and we've spent so much time together, to just stop like that...?

I'm sure he's already with someone else tonight. I'm trying so hard not to care. But then I know my ex husband is with someone else, too.

It hurts.

[lxegirl]

don't think about him!!! invite a girl friend over and just have fun.

You did the right thing. Should he get lonely (or horny, for lack of a more polite word) and want to spend time with you later, please know in advance that any kindness he shows you will only be manipulation. Without serious professional help, he is never going to change. Don't allow yourself to become lonely enough to miss him. Keep yourself busy, and surround yourself with people who care about you.

You state,"I feel sad and lonely"....."I can't believe he hasn't called."..and ask...."Am I that worthless?"...."Just to stop like that...."....yet you wanted him to go in the first place....

Yet your posts leading to this one contain these statements:

Tried to break up with him a couple times.

I've decided to end it

Asked for key back.

He may be unstable enough to bother me or make trouble for me.

He really is being abusive

Criticizes me

Withholds sex

Chats exes

You dated outside the relationship too.

He's insanely jealous....paranoid too (see above )maybe thats why.

Snoops thru caller id

'grills me'

Has no job...pill pops,pot smokes,disabled,can't hold a job,hides face book friends.....

Jokes about maybe you should move on....squeezed your neck...

I decided to end it.


Do you see the contrast between how you felt before you needed him to go....and now that you've gotten your wish?

Have you been abused as a child?....and in previous relationships?....

This is just for you to reflect and go inside and ask some questions about sorting these mixed feelings....and maybe asking yourself why you tolerated so much prior to ending it...and why you felt abandoned once you succeeded in removing him.What do you think about these things?

[2MuchCoffee]

wolfsong - You're absolutely right! Wow, what a great way to look at it, thank you for presenting what I said that way.

Yes, I was abused as a child. Sexually by my own father, brother and a step-brother. My father beat my mom in front of me and eventually left us. Then he was murdered when I was about 6 or 7. My grandma lived with us all of my life and she was a belligerent alcoholic. Then during my entire adult life, my mom has been an alcoholic and prescription drug addict. I haven't spoken to her in 2-3 yrs.

My ex-husband and I were together for almost 13 years. He never physically abused me, not verbally either, but he constantly abandoned me when I needed him. The top 3 worst times: He had an affair for the first 3 years of our marriage, left me alone when my grandma was dying, left me alone when I was having a miscarriage. The last thing was when I told him we should separate, he didn't put up any kind of fight and made no effort to change anything. Less than 2 months after I moved out he already had a new girlfriend.

So, yeah, it's fair to say I have some abandonment issues.

There simply is not one single thing in this above post which doesn't make me jump to say me too.And,you know,I am so sorry that you experienced these things.There is a book called "I hate you,don't leave me."I am a mere fellow woman,and have no degree or specialities....but,I wonder if you have received a diagnosis?I suggest you inquire into borderline personality disorder,and codependency.You need to learn to understand the psychology of what your life experiences have done to you.Do you feel as though it is difficult to be alone,yet,just as frustrating to be 'with' others?....idk if this has to do with BPD but it is a thing I cannot understand about myself.My everything inside is conflicting within me.It is madness making.You need to find help in looking in the mirror and loving who you see.Because I have yet to meet anyone who's sh-- doesn't stink.You are as lovely as any other person on this planet.But,until you can be ok by yourself,you will find difficulty picking the right others.That's because ,when you love you,you expect better to come to you.You care to know what you want from life,and to pursue it for the sake of your quality of life.We look for something to complete us,and no one can live up to our picture of ideal...that includes ourselves.The more you make peace with the reality of your past,and the balance of loving yourself...other things fall into place.If I am off base,I apologize,I will reply to you again if you post.Till then,take good care.

[lxegirl]

i'm sorry...thats so unfortunate. he's a d*ck.... good riddance. i know you love him, but you know that this isn't a healthy relationship. its better for you in the long run, even if you dont feel like its a good idea right now.and a good thing about being single- you can do whatever you want with whoever you want. have some fun.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

I've been dating this guy for 9 months and have been frustrated with him off and on the whole time. Tried to break up with him a couple times, but I took him back.

At the start I was thinking this guy is a little negative, tough shell, he had a rough childhood and never learned some relationship skills, has no filter on his mouth - just says what he thinks. *shrugs shoulders* Hey, we all have our flaws. But now I'm seeing an escalation in things and I'm seeing that he really is being...abusive.

He withholds affection unless sex is involved.
When hugging, he always lets go first.
He never kisses me. I know, weird right? Seriously, very rare if ever.
He constantly criticizes me and things I do or don't do.
If I criticize him or complain about anything, he gets pissed and tries to give me the silent treatment.
Says he was diagnosed bi-polar but doesn’t think he really is and won’t take any meds.
When I busted him texting one of his ex-girlfriends, I decided he was only Mr. Right Now, “fine, I’ll talk to other guys, too” and find someone else to move on with. Well, he busted me on a first date with the first guy I met. So ever since then, the trust issue is always MY fault.
He denies ever doing anything wrong. Always brings it back to something I did wrong.
He's insanely jealous, paranoid that I'm talking to other men, convinced I even still have feelings for my ex-husband.
He snoops through my caller id and cell phone all the time. Grills me if he sees a "suspicious" name or number.
By the same token, he has his cell phone password-protected.
He snoops through my Internet browsing history, freaks out if I ever delete it.
He freaked out on me when I posted pics of his cat, him, us on my Facebook page.
He started hiding his friends list on Facebook. Then he created a whole new Facebook account and won’t add me as a friend to it.
He drinks constantly and often heavily, in addition to pot smoking and pill popping.
He has no job. Disabled from military. Can’t hold a job anyway. Thus always broke.
If I ever say no to sex, which is very rare, he accuses me of “getting it somewhere else”.

Recently, he was drunk one night and said “Maybe it’s time for you to move on.” I questioned him about it the next day and he said he was just “clowning.” Wtf?
That same night, we were in bed and he climbed on me (to have sex) and wrapped his arms around my neck and back then squeezed really hard until it hurt. I yelped and he got off me. Ever since my back has been messed up again.

There’s probably a lot of other things. The good does not outweigh the bad here. So I’ve decided to end it. But I am afraid of confrontation with him and of my own weakness. This morning before he left I asked him to give my spare house key back, just said I needed it in case I lock myself out. That made him mad, he threw the key on the counter and stormed around the house collecting a few things he had left there and took it all with him out the door.

This afternoon he texts me asking if I’m going to see him tonight. I say actually I’m really tired, I’ll see how I feel, will call you after work. He responds with, “You want to be alone? Right.” So anyway, I have to call him sometime tonight and make this the end of it. He's already been trying to call and text me while I'm at work because he's mad and knows something is up. I’m scared of the whole situation and a little nervous that he could be unstable enough to bother me or make trouble for me. Even though I’m embarrassed about the whole thing, I’ve made sure to tell a couple friends what’s going on so I have people to call if I need help.

Get the hell outta there(relationship), if he bothers you, call the cops, if he threatens you get an injunction upon him, but get out. Sounds like a very,very un-healthy relationship. But( always a but ), if you love him and think you could break the cycle, have a go. "Personaly", i'd get out, and distance oneself, get room to think. One cannot think properly when in the storm, only outside do you see the storm for what it is. Then life gets better, men think that because their men they can use the masculin/male power, to get what they want, its common with some men, not all though. Also don't fall for emotinal blackmail, men can use that to(women can also), but men try emotinal blackmail when the true end of a relationship is in sight. Be Well. sanada. x

[2MuchCoffee]

It's been over a week now. He hasn't bothered me since that first night when he banged on the door and rang the doorbell for a while. He just dropped off a bunch of stuff I had given him at my house one day while I was at work.

Definitely the further away I get from it - meaning the dysfunctional relationship, the storm - the more I'm able to see and understand more of what was wrong with it.

I never loved him, not really. So there's no real loss there. And I know he was lying when he tried to say he loved me. I broke up with him Friday night and on Saturday he started a new online dating profile. He was just waiting for an excuse to do it openly. I saw that he's already lying again, posted a bunch of false information in his profile.

So whatever. Life goes on and so much better. He's not over here cooking food all the time, messing up my kitchen and getting mad when I try to tell him I'm on a diet so please no steak at midnight! Sheesh! I've already lost over 5 pounds since I dumped him.

I wish you love,and many new pages in your 'Book of Life'.....

[lxegirl]

good!!! i'm glad you're getting better.

[2MuchCoffee]

Funny thing, he just texted me late last night with this:

"Hope you had a good Mother's Day. I want you to be happy."

I haven't responded. I should probably just ignore this. Right?

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

Funny thing, he just texted me late last night with this:

"Hope you had a good Mother's Day. I want you to be happy."

I haven't responded. I should probably just ignore this. Right?

Absolutely!

[Perna]

Yes, I hope you did not respond. You have to think, if you know you didn't love him or he, you really, what the attraction is to wanting him to call/care, etc. Put all that energy back into yourself!

[PleaseHelp]

I'm late: but I think you did the right thing. And keep staying strong. I am glad that things seem to be going better. Keep us posted. Glad you are out of that situation.