[Lexi232]

um...
in this kind of senerio what would the best thing for me to do.. for whats best for me and my mom.. I dont want to hurt my mom. she really loves this guy, and puts up a lot from him, and keeps going back to him...

but...
a few years ago i kinda go a weird creepy feeling from my step father.. and he would come by and slap me on the butt and just say he was kidding, or he thought i was my mother cause from behind we look so much a like..
and now..
i have a hard time telling anyone no, but for the first time with him i said no and stuck to no.. but i didn't punch him or fight him as i just sorta... stared off into the tv... I don't like talking to him or being around him, yet my mom keeps trying to get me to call him and txt him... he just texted me asking if my txt's were private.. he got mad when i was crushing on this one guy at a resturant.. and i can't mention anything about being anywhere with anyone else or he gets all angry and like...
and hes afraid i'll tell her, and he says other things, that should probably not say here just because it could be huge triggers for others.. but... things that really scare me and make me wanna just go crawl in a hole somewhere and die...
my mom noticed his look the other day when they took me shoping and dropped me off, the same look he gives before he pulls my chin up to look at him... I tried to act like i didn't see it and just hoped out of the car really quick...
i'm over 18.. i didn't live with my mom growing up since childhood. she recently stated she wants to get a house with us all in it. and when i said nah she didn't like it and keeps trying... I've tried giving her hints... and some pretty clear ones before.. like i say things from "he's creepy" <== i dont know if that's really all that clear.. but for me to say that about someone, there's gotta be something wrong.. and people SHOULD know that.. those who really know me..

i just dont know what to do.. I dont want to hurt my mom.. My usual go run and tell method is sorta X'd out due to i dont know if want anyone to know(up until this post no one knows.. not even my best friends) .. but i dont want it to be secret anymore... and i want it to not happen. he says that i'm the one using him cause i wont txt or call him and apparently he's done a lot for me by letting me borrow his crapy old printer..

[Evening]

If he has said things that you think might trigger others on here dont let that stop you from sharing it if you need to, there is a trigger icon that you can use on posts and threads to warn people it might trigger them, and we are all on here knowing that there will be triggers.

[shezbut]

(((Lexi232)))

I am glad to hear that you aren't living together. phew...

I'd still recommend that you have a personal, private conversation with your mom about the man that she is seeing. Just because she has seen some inappropriate looks or words he's chosen with you, that does not mean that she has processed them in the same way.

It is very possible that your mother has chosen to disregard what she has witnessed, or written his words off as "He really cares about my daughter, he's so protective! What a wonderful man!"

I wish you the best. It isn't easy to see people that we care about make mistakes that we can see from a mile away. You're in a perfect position to share your perspective on your mom's relationship...before it becomes any worse for her (or you and others).

[black sheep]

Be careful. Don`t want to scare you, but if your mother confronts him, he could be the type to turn everthing on you. I would try to have someone other than your mother to stand at a distance and observe him doing something with you for you to have support and defense. I know that`s hard. Maybe a small tape recorder, make yourself available for him to do it again and record him. Let your mom listen and ask her what she thinks. You won`t hurt your mom as much now as she could be later if things continue.

[Lexi232]

Thanks everyone!
And i didn't think of that Shezbut... That very well could be what she's thinking..

And It's okay Black sheep, I know what you mean..
:\ I'm so confused right now.. I dont think i could tell her.. for fear of everything.. even down to fearing that she wont find it a problem..
And he DOES turn things around all the time when the blame is his, and his alone.. so... I wouldn't doubt him putting the blame on me.. even tho i'm the one doing the advoiding while hes the one constantly pursueing... just like today he's been calling me all day.. and even filled my voicemail up where i had to go erase it all.. and soon to need to be erased again... and it's like 3:12am here and he's still calling.

Sorry if this is so confusing, i'm just really distant right now, and having hard time being present.

[black sheep]

Lexi, keep a record of his calls. Get a print out from the phone company. Take that to your mother and ask what she thinks. Try and find some proof of what he`s doing or get away from him. The more you let it go, the worse things will get. People like that say, I got this much, let me try and get some more. Plus people like that are trying to drive you crazy and they will if you let them. Have you got a friend who can be with you without him knowing and see and hear what he`s doing?

[mgran]

Black sheep is right. Keep a record... and please, if you can't tell your Mom, report it to the police. I'm a Mom, and if anyone laid a finger on my son I'd want to know about it. I don't know what your Mom is like, but hopefully she's got the grit to ... how can I put this in a feminist way? Sorry, can't think of another way to put it... she has to "man up", she has to stand up and face the truth. Your Mom should always love you first, and if you can't tell her, then perhaps the police can.

At least then you are protected, he's less able to start on some other kid, and at least you know where you are with your Mom.

[salukigirl]

He sounds extremely inappropriate. I think she should for the simple fact that, if you don't give in, he will do this to another woman. I hate to say it, but his behavior makes me think that he has already cheated on your mom. Not to mention it's HER DAUGHTER! He sounds like he has some serious issues and you shouldn't have to deal with this - neither should she.

She might be at a point where she is afraid to be alone and will put up with more just to have someone? I say that bc I know that's what my dad is doing with his current wife. He has basically said it flat out.

I agree that he sounds extremely creepy. I would definitely ask her to sit down and talk. If she gets defensive just give her some time to let it sink in. Or, write her a letter. It might be embarrassing for her having a talk like that with her daughter? A letter might give her a way to process it alone and really give it some thought without that overwhelming feeling of having you say it to her. Because she has chosen this man, she may feel guilty or like you are accusing her so I would be very delicate with her. I hope you can figure something out because this is not appropriate at all.

[Lexi232]

Originally Posted by black sheep

Lexi, keep a record of his calls. Get a print out from the phone company. Take that to your mother and ask what she thinks. Try and find some proof of what he`s doing or get away from him. The more you let it go, the worse things will get. People like that say, I got this much, let me try and get some more. Plus people like that are trying to drive you crazy and they will if you let them. Have you got a friend who can be with you without him knowing and see and hear what he`s doing?

good idea...
i'll try that...
and nope.. sadly no friends.. but that was my own doings in one of my adhd attacks and impuslivly went on a whim and pretty much lost my best friend/sister.

[Lexi232]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

He sounds extremely inappropriate. I think she should for the simple fact that, if you don't give in, he will do this to another woman. I hate to say it, but his behavior makes me think that he has already cheated on your mom. Not to mention it's HER DAUGHTER! He sounds like he has some serious issues and you shouldn't have to deal with this - neither should she.

She might be at a point where she is afraid to be alone and will put up with more just to have someone? I say that bc I know that's what my dad is doing with his current wife. He has basically said it flat out.

I agree that he sounds extremely creepy. I would definitely ask her to sit down and talk. If she gets defensive just give her some time to let it sink in. Or, write her a letter. It might be embarrassing for her having a talk like that with her daughter? A letter might give her a way to process it alone and really give it some thought without that overwhelming feeling of having you say it to her. Because she has chosen this man, she may feel guilty or like you are accusing her so I would be very delicate with her. I hope you can figure something out because this is not appropriate at all.

I think that is what she's doing. she's been with him for 12 years now... and i get the sense she's one comfortably numb there, and that she doesn't know how to make it out on her own.. but shes full of excuses as well when i try to tell her it wont be perfect and how you like it, but we could survive together... and that itd be much better than where she is now.. but she always goes back, and never chooses me first... but this is something i know..

Thank you so much.. I will try the letter thing as well.. and write it so it hopefully wont be confused as to i'- and hes calling me right now T.T bah!- anyways, as to attacking her instead of trying to inform her..

He's gotten to where he doesn't want me and my mom to be together alone. .... both me and my mom grew up in the same home, so i can see where she went and found a simlar situation.. i dont know how i'm diffrent.. i wish i did, then i could tell her how i got out of there and stay out of that house...

and i'm afraid people will hate me.. and... i'm ashamed and embarrased.. I'm also afraid people will see me as vulnerable and it will only bring on more.. (also the same reasons why i've never really opened up about some things in my past...)

idk... I'll do the letter thing... and do the getting copies as well of the phone record..

Thanks everyone!

[black sheep]

Your mother may have some fear issues and they have blinded her from the truth. Not only can she not see them, she`s not going to accept the truth. From the sounds of him, he`s a controller and builds up admiration on the outside because there is none on the inside. I think people like him can tell the ones who will look up to them and ones that won`t. He attempts to drive the ones that don`t crazy so the truth won`t come out and he can keep standing above everyone. Not only are you scared, but he is to. Maybe he`s so scared of being destroyed he has to destroy you first. I`ve seen so many people like that, I only wish I had saved proof.

[Lexi232]

Yeah, that very well may be true.. I do know he has his own issues.. and he's struggling just to keep sanity i think.. (he brought on those issues himself, but it still is issues).

And I know what you mean about the proof thing. When I was in my home I tried so hard to tell people, and no one listened. they only listened to the female care giver, who was the abuser in this situation. (this was when i was still a minor) and cps belived her blindly.. stating i was just a rebelous teen.. i didn't have enough words to describe it other than to say she was mean, and to act it out, and draw it out.. but... they always believed her. then later on when i was trying to get out of that house, I started gathering recordings on my mp3 player, and writing everything she said and did down, word for word. and then they saw first hand a few times.. mostly when they weren't believing her, they saw what she was really like.

But sometimes if we can't get any proof.. we ourselves.. are the only living proof.. :\
((((((black sheep))))))

The phone company said they can send me paper on offical letterhead paper for money, or i can go online and print it out. I'm prolly going to do the print out. I was looking over the phone record, and he'd sent me 432 txts in the past 2 months, and i've only sent 10 back. he's called in the past 2 months over 500 times. and at first i answered a lot, but then after that they've all been missed calls for except like 6 calls since then. And i've called him a total of 4 times in the past 2 months.) If i want copies of what the texts said i'll have to pay.. not sure if i'm gonna do that yet or not.. but my phone has a recorder on it, and i can record whats being said.. i'm thinking about answering the next time he calls and recording it.. that way i can play it back if i need it for proof.

[black sheep]

Good! There are so many times abuse is your word against their`s and they have more than likely gossiped about and ridiculed you behind your back, so possibly nothing you say is heard. Also, having the proof may change your mother and/or others opinion about this "devil(?)" doing this to you, but it may not change their opinion about you. The only thing to worry about is stopping this so you can have a life. Only reflect on things to see what your mistakes were and not fall into another trap like this one again. Do what you have to do, but stay within the law. You`re welcome to send a PM if you`d like.

[Perna]

If he creeps you out, he creeps you out.

I would tell him you would like him to quit texting you (return his crappy old printer; they're very cheap now, you can get your own crappy new one :-) as you feel (no one can argue with what you feel!) he is abusing the right, he's not your friend, he's your mother's friend, maybe tell him in your mother's presence.

You do not have to stick around with your mother and her friends/partner, you love her but she is not necessarily who you would choose as a friend. I'd make myself scarce so he loses some interest; I'd make a plan to make some real life friends my own age and get "out and about" and not have as much time to be around him.

[Lexi232]

Thanks...
I finally got the nerve up to talk to her. and i showed her a text to start off the convo which said "u r yummy" from his number..
In mid beginning she burst out laughing and i stopped and looked at her...
she just handed me the phone back and said he meant to send it to her.. I tried to say more.. but she only laughed more...
I know she may of been laughing to hide some of her actual feelings.. but.. it still put me off. and I felt hurt.. even more.. I almost broke down and cried because the thought was "i know i thought she didn't love me.. but now shes got to show it to my face?!"
and i didn't want to open up more only to be laughed at, and for it to be laughed off...

anyways, thanks everyone for the replies. i wanted to come back and give everyone an update after today.

Sorry this is happening, Lexi232. Take care of yourself. Be safe.