[SoupDragon]

I split with my husband 3 years ago and am now divorced. In trying to start a new life for myself I joined an on-line dating site. I have had a few on-line chats with men and have even met a couple for drinks but nothing more.

I have been chatting to someone recently who seems nice and has asked if I would like to meet up - however yesterday I discovered that he is training to be a therapist (NLP and regression) and this has freaked me out slightly. He doesn't know that I am seeing a therapist currently, or that I am having any difficulites in my life at all.

But I just don't know if it would be wise for me to meet him - would I be able to separate him from "the therapist" and would I be able to be objective in assessing whether I really liked him, or liked him as he is a therapist and the hurt part on me may latch on wanting to be saved.

Any advice??????

[**Angel**]

I think you should tell him you are seeing one, because some times online dating can be bad and not always very helpful, because is he HONESTLY telling the truth to you? Why not tell him, if you feel that your falling apart you can talk to him about it, instead of staying in the shadow of it all I suggest you tell him and we will be behind you all the way through this x

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you Angel - yes honesty is a good thing isn't it? I have hidden my feelings for so long and pretended to people and I want to be different now. I want to be able to be open and get my needs met and that can't be done if I am not honest. However if I feel that I cannot be honest, then maybe I am not ready to have another relationship at the moment. Hmmm... shall think more on that one. Thanks again for reminding me of the "honesty" word.

have been chatting to someone recently who seems nice and has asked if I would like to meet up - however yesterday I discovered that he is training to be a therapist (NLP and regression) and this has freaked me out slightly. He doesn't know that I am seeing a therapist currently, or that I am having any difficulites in my life at all.

I believe in honesty, but do you need to tell him this on your first meeting?
Absolutely not.
Go meet him and get to know the guy first. See what he likes to do in his spare time and for fun. What's his favorite food and favorite color?
See if you like him and have any attraction before you start telling him all of your personal information.

that goes for all online dating - not just in this situation.

But I just don't know if it would be wise for me to meet him - would I be able to separate him from "the therapist" and would I be able to be objective in assessing whether I really liked him, or liked him as he is a therapist and the hurt part on me may latch on wanting to be saved.

He may see you more as a PATIENT, and since he's in training, you could be like a project for him...it goes both ways you know.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

I believe in honesty, but do you need to tell him this on your first meeting?
Absolutely not.
Go meet him and get to know the guy first. See what he likes to do in his spare time and for fun. What's his favorite food and favorite color?
See if you like him and have any attraction before you start telling him all of your personal information.

that goes for all online dating - not just in this situation.


He may see you more as a PATIENT, and since he's in training, you could be like a project for him...it goes both ways you know.

Thank-you for this - yes maybe it would be difficult for him as well. I don't want to be seeing someone who thinks I am vulnerable. I have a history of people taking advantage of me and I am beginning to think this just doesn't sound safe for me. He may be completely honourable, but I think I may struggle with the trust thing.

dating isn't easy...it sounds like you are really thinking things through and being careful which is awesome.

[Chefguy]

Go out and have fun =) If your having a good time on the first couple of dates, go on a couple more! Dont over think this. Just let things flow naturally =)

[salukigirl]

I agree that I wouldn't over-analyze it just yet. If you meet him and end up liking him then at some point you may be comfortable enough to tell him. I understand the whole "falling for your therapist" thing but it could also be seen in a good way. If he is training for something where the basis is communication - it could be very easy to get along with him. So I wouldn't confuse his ability to communicate effectively with the "falling for the therapist" scenario. It might be hard to decipher but you know what's in your gut.

[SoupDragon]

Yes I am trying to be relaxed about it, but have now discovered he has the same first name as my therapist and it is feeling a little too weird.

[SoupDragon]

THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING!





So I finally decided to meet him. We had a lot of e-mail correspondance and it felt ok even good - a connection. I met him yesterday and although there was no sexual touching, he made me feel violated. He looked at me up and down, he walked behind me and I know he was still doing the looking thing. I tried to calm myself and told myself he was just checking me out physically and that was OK, I was just over-reacting. He gave me a bracelet - I kissed him on the cheek to say thank-you - he said Oh no, one on the lips please - I did - why did I, I didn't want to? He asked to hold my hand - I did yet felt uncomfortable. He then asked me if I wanted to have a baby - I said of course not I am nearly 46! We went for a walk and it was quite secluded, he said he had taken me there to have his wicked way with me, but smiled while he was saying it as if it was a joke. I told him it was a good job I had my steel toe cap boots on them. We then sat on some rocks there were other people around. Again I kept thinking I was just over-reacting. He held my hand and then let go to point at something. He then didn't rehold my hand but put his hand on my knee - he took it off again and said "whoops sorry". He then wanted to take my photograph, I at last found my voice to say no. We parted to go home and today I e-mailed him to say I didn't want to meet him again - he said it was a shame as he'd felt turned on after meeting me. I feel revolting, repulsed. I went to the supermarket this morning and felt that everyone was looking at me up and down like he did. I don't know if I am just over-reacting - when I think of him I can still smell his aftershave, I don't want to have that smell in my head.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING!





So I finally decided to meet him. We had a lot of e-mail correspondance and it felt ok even good - a connection. I met him yesterday and although there was no sexual touching, he made me feel violated. He looked at me up and down, he walked behind me and I know he was still doing the looking thing. I tried to calm myself and told myself he was just checking me out physically and that was OK, I was just over-reacting. He gave me a bracelet - I kissed him on the cheek to say thank-you - he said Oh no, one on the lips please - I did - why did I, I didn't want to? He asked to hold my hand - I did yet felt uncomfortable. He then asked me if I wanted to have a baby - I said of course not I am nearly 46! We went for a walk and it was quite secluded, he said he had taken me there to have his wicked way with me, but smiled while he was saying it as if it was a joke. I told him it was a good job I had my steel toe cap boots on them. We then sat on some rocks there were other people around. Again I kept thinking I was just over-reacting. He held my hand and then let go to point at something. He then didn't rehold my hand but put his hand on my knee - he took it off again and said "whoops sorry". He then wanted to take my photograph, I at last found my voice to say no. We parted to go home and today I e-mailed him to say I didn't want to meet him again - he said it was a shame as he'd felt turned on after meeting me. I feel revolting, repulsed. I went to the supermarket this morning and felt that everyone was looking at me up and down like he did. I don't know if I am just over-reacting - when I think of him I can still smell his aftershave, I don't want to have that smell in my head.

I am soooo sorry you had to go through this

#1 - Good for you for going on the date!
#2 - No, I don't think you are overreacting.
#3 - You handled it very well and he sounds like a big jerk.
#4 - This is the guy who is going to be a THERAPIST???? I almost don't believe that now.

It's easy to make a connection with people over the phone or over email, but in person it's a whole other deal....this guy sounds very pushy to me...first dates are "getting to know you"...he was lucky you were kissing him on the cheek - how dare he say on the lips please?

Some men are such .....insert your own preferred bad word here!

For the next time, please make sure you meet in a very public place, like for coffee or a drink. Coffee or a drink only take 30 minutes and then you're out. If you like the person you can make other plans.

To get rid of the smell, try getting some Carmex, mentholated lip balm, it comes in a little blue pot. It has a very strong smell and is very good for getting your mind off of other smells. Or vicks Vapo Rub - a drop of it under your nose.

Do you have a T you can call to talk about this this week?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

I am soooo sorry you had to go through this

#1 - Good for you for going on the date!
#2 - No, I don't think you are overreacting.
#3 - You handled it very well and he sounds like a big jerk.
#4 - This is the guy who is going to be a THERAPIST???? I almost don't believe that now.

It's easy to make a connection with people over the phone or over email, but in person it's a whole other deal....this guy sounds very pushy to me...first dates are "getting to know you"...he was lucky you were kissing him on the cheek - how dare he say on the lips please?

Some men are such .....insert your own preferred bad word here!

For the next time, please make sure you meet in a very public place, like for coffee or a drink. Coffee or a drink only take 30 minutes and then you're out. If you like the person you can make other plans.

To get rid of the smell, try getting some Carmex, mentholated lip balm, it comes in a little blue pot. It has a very strong smell and is very good for getting your mind off of other smells. Or vicks Vapo Rub - a drop of it under your nose.

Do you have a T you can call to talk about this this week?

Thank-you jadedmoonbeam - I shall try the vicks thing that sounds like a good idea - although the smell isn't on my clothes, only in my head. I think a strong different smell may give my head something else to think about.

Thank-you too for your reassurance that I wasn't over-reacting - its' hard when I find everything in life scarey sometimes to try to work out what is scarey and what is just my mind inventing stuff.

Yes it is worrying that he works as a therapist and doing hyponosis and trance work!

I do have a T who I see every Tuesday - I trust him completely and do feel very safe with him, although I am not very good at talking openly.

I am good at putting my rational head and mask on and getting on with life - but inside I feel really terrible today - it has been a shock to me as I thought I was improving - I have decided to come off the dating sites, I think I would find it too frightening to meet someone else.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thank-you jadedmoonbeam - I shall try the vicks thing that sounds like a good idea - although the smell isn't on my clothes, only in my head. I think a strong different smell may give my head something else to think about.

Thank-you too for your reassurance that I wasn't over-reacting - its' hard when I find everything in life scarey sometimes to try to work out what is scarey and what is just my mind inventing stuff.

Yes it is worrying that he works as a therapist and doing hyponosis and trance work!

I do have a T who I see every Tuesday - I trust him completely and do feel very safe with him, although I am not very good at talking openly.

I am good at putting my rational head and mask on and getting on with life - but inside I feel really terrible today - it has been a shock to me as I thought I was improving - I have decided to come off the dating sites, I think I would find it too frightening to meet someone else.

I almost wonder if he was lying about being a therapist becaue he doesn't sound like he could be in that profession.
I had men lie to me about so many different things, their age, their NAME, what they did for a living. You'd like to think there are honest people in the world, but there is a reason I call myself JADEDmoonbeam.

If you're worried about talking to T, can you print out that piece of this thread, where you tell the story what happened, and just give it to him so he knows what happened? I think it's important for him to know and might be easier for you to discuss that way.

Take a break from the dating sites....i don't blame you at all for being frightened. That was a sh--ty first date experience .

I know the smell is in your mind, but Carmex and Vicks are Strong Smells - it helps you forget whatever smell is in your head.

I am sending you tons of positive energy and good thoughts SoupDragon!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

I almost wonder if he was lying about being a therapist becaue he doesn't sound like he could be in that profession.
I had men lie to me about so many different things, their age, their NAME, what they did for a living. You'd like to think there are honest people in the world, but there is a reason I call myself JADEDmoonbeam.

If you're worried about talking to T, can you print out that piece of this thread, where you tell the story what happened, and just give it to him so he knows what happened? I think it's important for him to know and might be easier for you to discuss that way.

Take a break from the dating sites....i don't blame you at all for being frightened. That was a sh--ty first date experience .


I know the smell is in your mind, but Carmex and Vicks are Strong Smells - it helps you forget whatever smell is in your head.

I am sending you tons of positive energy and good thoughts SoupDragon!

He does advertise that he does that therapy - I even "secretly" checked out his website before I met him. Not sure what lesson I can learn from that - I guess I need to learn to be more assertive, I heard warning bells the moment I met him, I should have listened to them. It's a little unnerving that something as "minor" as this can trigger all sorts of stuff for me.

Thank-you again for the tip re: smells and for your positive thoughts and energy. Yes maybe I will show my T the print out, that would make it easier.