Have I ruined my marriage?

I love my husband, we've been married for 10 years. A few times throughout our relationship I have gotten drunk to the point of blacking out and doing terrible sexual acts with people I know as well as perfect strangers. I can't believe I did it. I feel like someone else took over me. I've been honest with my husband but things aren't right. He's trying to get through this but isn't dealing with it well as I'm not either(especially since it's not the first time). Growing up I always felt proud of the fact that I wasn't sleeping around like all my friends. I fear that my husband will never look at me the same, love me the same, or trust me again. I'm scared I ruined our life. I don't know what to do. As selfish as it may sound I'm a little angry at HIM...I grew up in an abusive household and jumped into a physically and sexually abusive relationship at 14 and throughout the years have come to realize that I'm sexually defective. Theres so much pressure with sex in our marriage. He thinks I'm not sexually attracted to him but really its like I have female erectile dysfunction? I want to make love with my husband but am NEVER aroused (which makes it very awkward and uncomfortable). I've been trying to tell my husband for the last 4 years I have an alcohol problem and should never drink (because I black out and do things out of character) and he doesnt support me...he wants me to be able to control it and gets mad when I do things that I've done. Now I have quit drinking without the support from him which is hard but Im angry at him because I feel like I've been crying out to him and he never listens to me or takes me seriously, and Ive been putting up with things he does that arent right for YEARS like completely ignoring his wife and kids every day after 10 hours of work to get stoned and play video games, its like hes never there. He gets mad about our poor sex life but NEVER romanticizes me. Now my question is after everything... why is it just me?? I'm the bad guy, what I did is unforgivable. Ive lost all my trust, respect, and dignity from him. Am I being selfish? I hate the feeling that he thinks I am a bad wife/*****. I made mistakes I can't even hardly live with. I just want everything to be good again. Please help me!!

You are a good girl
1. you quitted drink
2. you see that you have a problem in your marriage and you want to sort it
To be honest I do not know how to help. Try together (you and your husband) look for professional help to have a happy marriage.

You both need counseling. Individual might be best at first, then marriage counseling. He's hurt by your infidelity, and you're dwelling on childhood experiences.

Bless your heart ~ I'm GLAD you quit drinking. Blacking out is a sure sign of a serious problem. It's a shame that your husband didn't support you when you quit -- most people with a problem with alcohol CANNOT "control" their drinking. One drink is too many, and a thousand isn't enough!!

Has your husband ALWAYS come home from work and gotten stoned and played video games? Doesn't he ever interact with the kids? Why do you think he does this?

I too would suggest some counseling. Perhaps you could go by yourself for awhile because you need to forgive yourself for what happened -- you can't continue to beat yourself up for this, and expect him to forgive you if YOU can't forgive yourself.

You might want to see your doctor also about not ever being aroused. Perhaps your hormone levels are too low -- just a thought. If that's not the case, counseling can help with that too.

I wish you the best ~ I know you feel awful about what happened, but you're really a good person. Alcohol makes us do things that we wouldn't normally do -- I know, cause i'm a recovering alcoholic. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. Soulquake, I would LOVE counseling! I have suggested it for a few years now but my husband seems to take it as an insult. Plus it's so pricey if you don't have insurance! I do think my childhood experiences and journey through life this far has maybe caused some of my sexual issues but I don't believe I am dwelling on it, I was just adding it in there to show some of the issues and why it bothers me my husband doesn't understand me better. Leed, WOW that is exactly what it's like! I've tried sooo hard to set limits and control myself but almost always fail. After i take one drink I wont stop. I've gone for 2 days drinking. Now I didn't drink everyday, maybe once or twice a month but it was almost always out of control, I become loud, aggressive and irrational and NO ONE can stop me. I was fooling myself, it bothers me that my husband didn't listen or support me, especially after the first time I did something terrible. (Im not blaming him and he didn't deserve this I'm just saying I feel like it was his duty as my partner to step in for me when I was hurting myself and our whole family) He's always been a pot head but I guess I didn't mind it at first and for a long time. He would use it on the weekends or at a get together then after work now EVERY day after work, EVERY day off starting in the morning, I feel like our family and myself are being neglected. The only time he's clear minded is at work where the employees and strangers get his clear attention. I don't think its fair. The video games have been consistently getting worse the last 2 years. I tried talking to him, telling him my feelings and soon turned into complaining and nagging, once I realized it was starting fights I decided to lay off, I don't want to be a nag and don't want to fight. Since my last indiscretion, It's all gotten much worse. He doesn't even speak to the kids unless he's yelling at them, He hates his job so he's extra miserable when he finally comes home and I feel like I can't do or say ANYTHING because of what I've done. And the sexual matter stinks because I'm not easily aroused, he does these things and sex is the farthest thing from my mind, but when I don't provide the luv'n he's gets upset and offended because I would do what i did but wont do it for him. I really feel scared for our love and marriage and family, I don't know how to fix it.
Thanks again to listening to my troubles, I know our life could be much worse (we are all alive, well, fed, clothed and have roofs over our heads) but this just hurts so bad.
Troubled and confused,
fullofregret

Just my humble opinion... but it sounds as though both of you are hurting your marriage. You both struggle with addiction problems, and while you are working to overcome yours, your hub is not.

I see similarities to the issues I had in my first marriage. I gave up the drinking, my hub didn't give up the pot. I finally left when one of my sons ended up in trouble because he was using drugs. Turned out he had been using from the age of 9 when he found his dad's stash.

So... my advice would be to find counseling for yourself - perhaps a combo of AA and Al-Anon to start. AA for yourself and Al-Anon to learn how to react/respond to your hub's addiction. (Al-Anon is not just for people who are dealing with alcoholics).

Your own self-worth and self-esteem as well as your children's matter. And, I would suspect your lack of interest in sex might stem from the anger you have against your hub because he is using. I know mine did during those years of my life.

I wish you the very best. Please take steps to take care of yourself and your children.

You are right Caretaker, we are both hurting ourselves and each other. I think I will look into this AA and Al-Anon. I have to say I do worry about my kids so much. They are getting old enough to know somethings up. Thank you for your advise.

I just wrote out a huge long reply then hit the back button and lost it. Sorry if I seem rushed, I'm frustrated with my computer

Ok. Here we go again.

I think individual counselling is a great start. Most times childhood issues don't go away on their own and will cause problems later on. That being said, I have a few ideas on lower cost counselling
1) I used to work for our local region, in the accounting department. The region covered $95 (usually) of the counselling fees, while I think the attendee covered the other $15 or so. Contact your region or city and see if they have any options similar. Ask about counselling and family services, they often have fees geared to your income
2) If you do attend AA (great idea) (also check out recoverynation.com) the hosts may be able to refer you to additional counselling options
3) If you have a local college/university, psychology grad students are required to do unpaid counselling work before getting licensed. They already have their masters and are working on a Phd so they are usually fairly qualified. Sometimes they have a supervisor working directly with them
4) If you are working, check to see if your employer has an EAP (employee assistance plan). They are separate from insurance coverage and very underused by employees. Essentially it's a phone number/website that you can access if you need someone to listen, referrals to counselling, basic advice, it depends on the company the EAP is with and how qualified their employees are.
5) Group counselling is always cheaper than individual counselling. While it may not get through all of your past issues, it can help with things like self-esteem, coping habits, boundaries etc

As for the sex life, it seems like there are a number of issues all colliding.
1) (I'm getting carried away with lists) Sexual abuse usually creates either (or both) hyper-sexualism (extremely frequent sex, or "deviant" sexuality -this could be one night stands, extramarital affairs, etc), or avoiding sex (low sex drive, fear of intimacy/loss of control). Have you talked to your husband about your past relationship and how it might affect you presently?
2) Yes, it could be a hormonal issue that is lowering your sex drive. Many medications (birth control, psychological meds, etc) can cause this, or just natural imbalances, which the doctor can help re-balance
3) Sexual needs are often under-communicated between men an women. Now this is a generalization and by no means am I saying this is always the case. But often times, men just need that testosterone to want sex; sex drive is physical. On the other hand, women frequently need emotional stimulation as well and the physical desire. So his "lack of romanticism could be an issue
4) Feeling pressured often decreases desire. If you feel like you are doing it because you are "supposed" to kind of takes away from it.
5) Yes, your having sexual acts outside of the marriage, may play of some of his sex drive as well. He could be trying to have more sex to "reclaim" you. I don't mean this in a controlling way, more as a way to get the picture of you with someone else out of his head by replacing it with a new one -which can take a looong time (based on personal experience) especially if you were doing these things with others and not him -it's just hard to comprehend.

I think once you are on your way to making yourself a healthier person (and by the way, I think you are doing a great job already) you'll be more comfortable setting personal boundaries. Like "I'm very truly sorry for what I've done in the past and the pain I've caused. I'm doing this and this to make myself a better person, wife and mother. But I also need for you to ____." From my marriage counsellor "when you ____, I feel ____, I need_____" is the key to stating boundaries.

Despite what you've done and the guilt you feel, you still have the option to make choices regarding the marriage. Choosing to go elsewhere while married was a bad choice, you know that. But you do have other choices, which can be to require marriage counselling. Explain to him what YOU think you could get out of the counselling. Don't make it all about his gaming, smoking, but include things like "I want to be able to find ways to communicate without it turning into a fight". If he's not willing to meet your needs, you also have the right to choose not to be married to him.

Sorry that got long, and I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Keep doing what you need to to keep you and your kids safe and healthy

Hello fulloflove

I really do think that the simple advice given by CLeo is to the point, non-confusing and quite spot on.

There are locally funded counsellors where I think you pay a minimal amount for a certain number (up to 12 I think it is) of counselling sessions.

And if he doesn't want to go, go yourself, it will give you insight and understanding. You both do things to "escape" you had drink, now you don't, and he has his pot still (no fair right?)

Please know to that you can always talk to us...open 24/7 that was one of the things I loved when I first came here. Let us know how you go, but don't let the anger sink in, get help before it takes root and is harder to work with.

Blessings,
Rhian