[wisewoman]

Got a call from my daughter's birth mother this morning. She told me she did not want me to call her daughter again. I told her that she did not have the right to call and ask this and that if she called again she would be reported. Did it. So much pain. Kid is heading back to the swamp where she was born. I was ill in my tummy all day and so sad. I really need to be able to move on. I loved this child and wanted the best but it is not to be. I hurt due to the pain my behaviors af foster kids and adoption caused the home growns. Wish I were younger and hubby worked right cause we would have a baby to reaffirm our faith in the unuverse and to protect this one totally. Dramin, I know.

[lenjan]

I would never dream of telling my son's adoptive mother that she could never talk to him again! Legally, she's his mother. She raised him. I'm so lucky in that his a-mom "shares" him with me and lets him email me when he wants to, and sends pictures when she gets them, etc. I feel more and more blessed every time I hear a bad story about adoption.

I wish things had worked out better for you, ww. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't think all bmoms are scum, though, k, cause I'm one!

Candy

[wisewoman]

I know better Candy. This is a third generation in care and my daughter knows not what to do or where to go. She just doesn't want us. Painful is a bit tame or a way to describe my feelings.

[LMo]

I'm sorry Wisewoman. That must hurt a lot

[wisewoman]

Thanks, been getting prank calls for 2 days now from this woman. Having number changed to unlisted Monday.

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* Just so you know, just because you are unable to have children of your own does not make you less than ANYONE!

[wisewoman]

Hey Spaz, thanks. I was actually very prolific but this child we adopted out of an abuseful, neglectful home. Seems there was already a lot of damage done by the time she came here. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

[CJR520]

After my husband adopting my kids when they were pretty young, 3 and 8, the son who is youngest, is hanging out with birth father who is a no good liar, etc. He cancelled the kids life and health insurance, took money out of one child's savings, lied, stole cargo from a company he workd for, etc. It really hurts my husband and me both. You are not alone and I am thinking about you. Holiday time is coming up and that makes these things harder. Hang in there. That woman has no right to tell you that sort of thing.

[lenjan]

Wise, I sent an email to my son last night (through his mother's account, since she won't let me have his) and she wrote back today and told me to leave him alone unless he writes me first, because he doesn't need to be thinking about anything but getting ready for college and having fun and he shouldn't have to be worrying about me (he has no reason to worry about me). She kept saying, "I know this sounds mean," and I wanted to write her back and say, "F'IN A, ******!" She wouldn't have him if it weren't for me.

Anyway, it sounds like I"ll never have to be in your shoes -- he'll be 40 and still living at home under mama's thumb!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, I am STEAMIN'.

I hope things are better for you.

Candy

[wisewoman]

Okay, I am bumping this, not only do I have a no contact order from the kid, I just found out that the boyfriend's family moved the birthmother who is margainly functional to the next town to me. And I have all of these questions. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with us. I am not doing anything for the holidays for her. However, it reminds me of my own parents and the fact that I have been away for years and they have now forgotten me but there is a level of pain even if it is what I want. I don't want those people in my life and now my daughter is treating me the same way? I am confused, I didn't abuse her, at least not intentionally. I pretty much say let her go and figure it all out on her own.

[Lexicon78]

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I hope you can hang in there and not beat yourself up over all of this. You are a very important person...especially to us. And somewhere in this child's heart is a love for you, too.

[wisewoman]

Lex, I hope you are right and I have to say I have big doubts as she is not acting in a way that tells me I have had any impact on her at all. And then there is the confusion I feel. I have totally separated from my birth family due to ongoing abuse. So what does it mean that she has left me? Am I an abusive mom? I have decided having kids is really hard. I don't think there is anything more difficult. My son is here now and he is suddenly holding onto the traditions of our family this time of year. That is showing me he is growing up. I am confused

You said she had issues when you got her. she is from an abusive home.
We had a foster son that came from abuse and though we did what we could, after he graduated from high school he left and disapeared for several years. Left a note that said he just didn't get the family thing and didn't understand us loving him and so he needed to get out. He went back to his alcoholic abusive father for awhile and then lived in his car for about a year. Ended up in jail and somewhere along the lines came to his senses. Married now with 3 beautiful girls. Calls us Mom and Dad and our place home. He is 28.
I guess that you have to have the faith that you gave her what you could and some day the seeds of love and acceptance you planted will grow and she will come around...

[wisewoman]

Thanks whiteiris, I surely hope so. i am in doubt though. She is getting what she wants now, totally ignored. Can't deal with the pain.

((((( wisewoman )))))

I am just finishing up a book called, Another Place At The Table by Kathy Harrison. It is mainly written from the perspective of foster parents but it also gave me an insight as to how these children have such deep rooted issues of being "abandoned" by their birth parents and how it interferes with their lives, even if they are placed in a loving family such as yours.

Not everything is your fault.

You gave her a roof, food, and loving arms. It's up to her now to find her way.

Battered women go back to their abusers. I suspect that's what's going on here.

I hope the loving arms you offered will lead her back to you someday.

Peace,

Petunia

[wisewoman]

Thanks Petunia, love to you as well. In my head I know this stuff but in my heart I am confused.

[hillbunnyb]

Parenting takes the bravest poeple in the world. All that investment and absolutely no guarentees. Whew. I think you are all amazing. I can barely deal with bunnies.

[bebop]

((((wise)))) I can't imagine your pain. I am here for you.

[wisewoman]

Bunnies are usually very happy to see us when we go to feed them at least. Kids are hard. It's hard to watch them suffer as well.