[Steve29]

hi, im in a marriage which is going down hill due to too much controlling..on my part. ive acknowledged my problem and labelled it, now i need to know how to go about fixing it. ive been looking for self help books and the like, can someone point me in the right direction please

thanks

[LMo]

Hi Steve - welcome. Can you elaborate more about how you've determined that you're a control freak?

[EJ711]

Steve,

It would be helpful to have more information as LMo pointed out, but I have a comment I can make in general. I tell my husband, who can be controlling at times, that the best way to control me is to love me. Food for thought.

Did you wife have a controlling parent(s)? This will really make her sensitive to your trying to control her.

Have the two of you tried to go to counseling?

We're here for you.

Hope things turn around.

Jane

[Steve29]

where do i begin really.
ive always been very mistrusting. not just in this relationship, i remember my first girlfriend when i was 14 i was the same.
ive made my wifes life a misery since we married 5 years ago with my constant remarks and accusations about her looking at other guys etc, sure you've heard it all before. we argue just about everytime we go out and i rarely let her go out alone without causing a major to do.
its gotten to the point where theres no passion left from her which i know is my fault, though she says she loves me and isnt ready to throw in the towel. i know my behaviour is pushing her towards the one thing im afraid of.
shes always told me i was a control freak, well 2 days ago i went online and searched a few sites and got some pretty good break downs of the definition. ive always told her the fact that i feel that i trust her yet everything i say and do tells her the opposite. i know now its my fears that are causing the control and all the other emotions im showing.
right now im feeling probably the lowest ive ever felt and want to get out of this place im in. ive found nothing in any of the sites ive seen that suggest a control freak cant change, yet nothing to tell me how.
i feel ive made a positive step in labelling my problem. i just now dont know if ive left it too late or if the damage is irreversable in our marriage.

oh and in answer to the other question, she was bought up by her grandparents and she says i act exactly how her nan used to act. so yes i guess this just accentuates everything from her perspective.

[Steve29]

theres probably a whole ton of other areas that im controlling in but this is the one thats causing the most trouble.
incidently, i read about controlling people and how they are in relationships and in business.
in business always keeping on top of things, monitoring everything etc etc. well thats how i am, but i feel theres got to be some sort of balance, i cant just stop having control. my brother was the same as me in his business, incidently i used to work for him. anyway, he decided to let go of the reigns and standards dropped very rapidly to the point hes now on the verge of bankruptcy due to the falling reputation of his company.

[LMo]

Good point about her grandparents, Steve. That's one of the reasons why I asked. Putting a "control freak" label on yourself is not something a real control freak is likely to do, and actually it's really not good for you to use terms like that on yourself. I think it is terrific that you have found an area of yourself that you are hoping to improve, and even better that you recognize that it shouldn't be "all or nothing". But also, you wife is probably particularly sensitive to being controlled, so it may be that she is defensive toward some of your behaviors where other people might not be. But, you're in this together, and having been on both sides of the fence, my best advice is to get COUPLES therapy for it. You could do a 180 degree turnaround and if she is used to expecting to be controlled, then she still might misinterpret your actions and words unless she hears for herself what the therapist advises. And, books are great, but changing a behavior like this is really hard to do without taking it situation by situation, day by day.

Glad you joined us!

[Lexicon78]

Are you in control of everything in your relationship that you are in your business? If you are try letting your wife do small things that you would normally do. Try not to overreact if she doesn't do them the way you would like them to be done...restrain yourself. It's not at all easy, but can be done.

[Steve29]

financially we are independant. i have a selection of bills and she has hers. for the most part it centres around me just not being able to handle her having friends outside of our marriage. my mind just goes into overdrive worrying about what shes doing if shes so much as 5 minutes late

[LMo]

wait - have you considered the difference between being a controlling person and being highly anxious/hypervigilant?

[Steve29]

thats a new one to me, please go on. i was linking being a control freak to the anxiety i feel at her going out and stuff. ie to prevent myself any potential threat/pain

[Steve29]

something else my wife is always critical about is how observant i am....moreover, how analytical i am of every situation and everything said. she is right about that. even now i might be sitting here analizing something she said 2 days ago, looking for other meanings

[LMo]

Well, I'm sure that's why a lot of controlling people are controlling - due to anxiety - but I don't think you should label yourself as controlling just yet. Do you have a therapist? I have some similar issues as you, and therapy has helped immensely. I did a short stint with an antianxiety medication; my therapist wanted me to see what would happen if I didn't take action against the things I was anxious about, so that I could see that the world was not going to fall apart if things didn't get done on my timetable.

I'm not an expert in this; it's just that the word "control freak" always concerns me because it's a very negative generalization to a very complex range of problems.

Hopefully others here will have more insight; but a therapist would be a spectacular first step, especially since you seem to be open to changing for the better where possible (which in itself kind of contradicts the control freak thing)

[LMo]

Also, one thing I learned in one of my classes is to rephrase your "controlling" statements as follows:

When you...
I feel...
Because...

So, for example, when you get nervous about your wife going out without you, you could say:

When you (go out with your friends without me),
I feel (nervous, worried, scared etc),
Because (the worst-case scenarios involuntarily pop into my mind)...

... or something like that

steve, i had the oppositve in my marriage. he controlled me by being so nice that i couldn't have a thought that didn't come from his perspective. weird? indeed.

and labeling yourself a "control freak" before you really delve into this could be putting the cart before the horse. get a T and work on it together. sounds like she loves you and wants things to work out.please do couples therapy. i think it would really help you and your wife. xoxox pat

[Lexicon78]

I used to freak out if my mate had other friends, too. I just felt left out or unimportant when they had other friends. Have you tried hanging out with her and her friends once in a while?

[DaveyJones]

Hi, Steve...when reading your posts, it occured to me that you might be pretty insecure. Are you afraid your wife may find someone else when she's with her friends?

DJ

[EJ711]

Steve,

Have you had someone significant in your life, leave or abandon you before? May I ask if you are adopted?

Your fears of losing her, seem to be the root cause of your controlling behavior. Recognizing any problem is always the first step in solving it. You could subconsciously be trying to push her away, because that way you still have control, that is, you pushed her away, instead of her leaving.

Obviously, she loves you, or she would want to just separate, so there's hope.

Your issues of wanting to control, appear to be triggering your wife's childhood issues, of being over controlled by her grandmother.

I only have life experience--no psychological training.

If you can find a good counselor, he/she could help you through this situation.

Jane

[Steve29]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
DaveyJones said:
Hi, Steve...when reading your posts, it occured to me that you might be pretty insecure. Are you afraid your wife may find someone else when she's with her friends?

DJ

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yep i am

[Steve29]

im not adopted ej, nor do i think anything happened in my life to make me this way....it just seems this is how i am.
anyway i phoned up a counsellor today and left a message, hopefully she'll get back to me soon.

[Hopefull]

Way to go! You have developed some great insight into your problem. I hope you and your wife manage to work out your problem in couples therapy.

[EJ711]

Hey Steve,

I just wanted to jot you a quick note to say, I hope nothing I asked you offended you.

I wish you and your wife the very best.

Jane (EJ)

[arli]

Hi Steve,

I agree with Dave, and it`s an common place in psychology, that people who tend to control others are usualy unsecure.

The good advice is to work on the problem with your T. Despite you think that everything is just a part of your character, there may be and other things which "helped" you to develop in this direction.

It could happened that one "invisible" event from your past, put you in this behavior pattern.

Very important is also to talk to your wife about your feeling and reactions. TC