Boyfriend shares same bed as 8 1/2 year old

My boyfriend is in a strange custody situation with his ex-wife who is a meth addict and he could at some point get custody of his daughter. My boyfriend feels that his daughter needs extra love and attention. He still sleeps in the same bed and she is 8 1/2 years old. I'm not worried that anything is going on sexually, but my teaching background and parenting make me diabolically opposed to this situation. I talked to him about it 6 months ago and said if he planned on getting custody of his daughter he needed to change this situation which he acknowledged that he would do that. We've been going out for 14 months and I got furious over it and approached him again about it to which he stated I am jealous. I stated that he needed to have a plan to transition this situation or I was going to end it. He said he had no plan on ending it. I told him to talk to his friend that is a child custody evaluator and a counselor to which he said he would get mixed responses so what is the point. I'm in a quandry here. I have talked to many people...professionals and friends and all of them have said it is inappropriate.

He is overly affectionate with his daughter and does anything for her at the drop of a hat and the sleeping thing is quiet frankly starting to creep me out. I'm not expecting him to all of a sudden start sleeping with me in the same bed if he transitions his daughter to her own bed, but it's getting to be too much for me. He thinks I'm jealous and blowing things out of proportion and his mother says there is no problem with this which I don't think her opinion counts for much as she raised her children poorly.

Any thoughts on this situation?

I don't think there is much wrong with this. The child has been through so much with an addicted parent, meth is a horrible addiction, she probably has been neglected, and needs extra tlc. If you get married then you have a say, but since you are not, he's probably getting annoying because truly it is not your family, or your business. He needs to focus on her, and feels it is in her best interest, not your feelings about it.
In a lot of other cultures this is acceptable until the child reaches puberty.
Don't mean to be harsh, maybe you should take a step back and let this issue go for now.

If it was a mother sleeping with her son would you still be so opposed to it?
I agree though, it's not healthy for a an 8 year old to be dependant on sleeping with her parent, when is the right time to end it? She can't sleep in bed with him when she is 11/12/13 and by the time she gets to 16 it would be ridiculous.
But it needs to be phased out slowly, it will only cause her problems if she feels abandoned but it's going to mess her up later in life if it continues like this I believe.
Thing is though, he is her dad and it matters not at all whether you're married or not at the end of the day, he'll always decide what involvement and input you have, he needs to be made to realise he maybe isn't doing the right thing and it's not in her best interests l, by you giving an ultimatum isn't going to make him realise that, domaine research and show him the facts and see what happens!

I don't think you are "merely" jealous. I think it is inappropriate and almost abusive to the child, who has no choice and is being "taught" that sleeping with grown men is okay; not all grown men she encounters will be like her father but she is being "taught" they are! She can get very hurt when she becomes a teen and now, when/if the father starts to sleep elsewhere she will have a bad time because she's accustomed to him sleeping with her.

I have a good friend and her twin brother married and had a child and the child slept with the parents and they couldn't get that solved and she got older, etc. and it became such a mess they separated/divorced.

It's a difficult one really and one that could potentially cause him problems further down the line. It would only need an over zealous parent of a friend of the child to read too much into the situation and he could find himself subject to an unwarranted multi agency investigation. It would probably be better if he gave the child some quality time and read some books to her in her own room as a settling down time and left his daughter to sleep on her own. It could inhibit the child's development by not learning age appropriate independence? How will the child manage when her friend wants her to sleep over or go on holiday with the school? Just a thought but good luck with the situation.

If anybody thinks 8 year old girls don't have sexual feelings, you are wrong. Plus onset of puberty is coming earlier these days, so reset your timelines. I most certainly would object if the genders were switched, and I have. Thing is, parents have the right to mess up their children any way they want. Until the courts and agencies get involved, then they get to, too. And that's how the shrinks stay in business. Maybe the best thing is to ask the little girl how she feels about it, and work towards creating her own sleeping space, perhaps as a project or a gift?

I did it with my dad around that age. Granted, our black lab always seemed to end up between us. Planning the transition is difficult and important. I don't think it will harm her in the long run though.
I was SA before and after this but can clearly differentiate what was going on. Oh, and the SA was because of my mom, not because I thought I could go sleep/cuddle with any man who came in.

How often do they share a bed? I think it is sad that a whole generation looks at the family bed as something sinister. I am in my mid 40s and I still sleep in the same bed as my mother when I go to visit her house. I have since my father died 8 years ago. She has a four bedroom house, so it is not a lack of room. As a child I slept in the same bed as my Grandmother when I stayed at her house; again there were two other bedrooms.
If this is a situation where he only has temporary custody (weekends and holidays) I absolutely understand, their time is so limited that I can see wanting to spend every second with them.
I am a bit confused about your statement that he is overly affectionate with his daughter. How is that even possible? What is overly affectionate? How do you give your child too much affection?

When I was a kid I slept in a bed with three or four of my cousins on numerous occasions, and nothing untoward was thought of it. (Between fiveish and up to twelvish.) But when I had nightmares and had to go creep into my parents bedroom my Dad always got out, kissed me on the head, and left me to cuddle up with my Mum. This is sadly not possible in this situation, because the mother has failed. But I really do think a prebuscent girl is already desperately in love with her Dad. (Sorry, but it's true... an eight year old girl sees her Dad as the single perfect man in the world.) It's too easy for that adoration to confuse not necessarily her Dad, who won't see it from her perspective, but certainly for the girl.

It's really sad that we live in such a bitter world. But I think the girl shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with her Dad. I remember how uncomfortable I was when my Dad gave me a goodnight kiss if I was in my nighty, let alone him sharing a bed with me. (He never did, I think I'd have died of embarassment.)

I don't think the father is behaving immorally here, but I do think he's demonstrating startling naivety and innocence. He needs to be protected too, in case some divvy out there hears what's happening and puts two and two together to make seventy six.

Our kids sleep in bed with us. I really don't see the big deal.

Thanks for the feedback. Excellent food for thought. Just to add that I have a 7 year old son and had limited custody at the start but I never slept in the same bed as him nor do I now with 50/50 custody. I just don't believe in it and all the professionals I have talked to agree that the child should have their own sleeping space so I feel very negative about this situation.

What professionals have you spoken too out of interest? I know of many people who co-sleep and their kids are the happiest, healthiest kids I've come across.

I'm guessing this little girls needs the security of sleeping somewhere she feels safe and considering her mother's failure to provide a safe environment, the father is doing what he thinks is best for his daughter.

Here's an informative link relating to co-sleeping

http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/fiv...ts-cosleeping/

I have mixed feelings about this. It doesn't sound like he has any ill intent, and it doesn't sound like anything really inappropriate is going on here. But there comes a point when kids just need their own space. Has she been asked whether she'd like her own room? I would think that if co-sleeping is not the norm for her in her history, this might feel a bit awkward for her. Someone needs to talk to her about her own wishes. If she would like her own room, hopefully she will be part of the process of picking the furnishing and decorating. That would go a long way to making this her home and helping her feel more comfortable with the whole situation.

Perhaps rather than arguing with your boyfriend about the rightness or wrongness about what he is doing or not doing, you could talk to him about really talking to her and bringing her into the decision process. He might be more open to that.

Regardless, it is his daughter and you honestly don't have much say in the situation since you have not guardianship over his daughter. All you can do is perhaps talk to him really calmly about involving his daughter in this decision.

I am sure you can find experts on both sides of the fence. It is my belief that whatever works with your child is the best for him/her. Your way works best for you and your child.
Frankly when I was raising my children I never realized that there was a school of thought out there about “the family bed” or “co-sleeping” or whatever term it has now. My husband and I just wanted our children to know that we were available to them 24/7. They slept with us as infants/toddlers, then moved into their own beds (which were always available to them) when they started school. Weekends and holidays were always a “sleepover” with all of the kids sleeping in our bed. As they got bigger we put mattresses on the floor for them and they took turns sleeping in the middle. I’ll bet if you polled my kids right now they’d know whose turn it is to sleep in the middle.
They came and went as they pleased. When they got older (teenagers) they even brought their friends. My husband did sleep in another room when there were 6 teenaged girls sleeping in here with me. Although I suspect that was more out of desire to get some sleep rather than actual decorum.
Every single important conversation has taken place in our bed. My kids are all adults now (all confident, happy, healthy and well-adjusted members of society), but if there is something serious they wish to discuss they crawl into bed and talk. One of my daughter’s best friends came home from college last summer to visit. He said “I need some advice mom.” I said “shoot”. He said “we cannot do this HERE, go upstairs and go to bed so we can talk. Can you believe her? Thinking we could talk in the kitchen!”
I wonder why you find this such a negative situation. What specifically do you find so disturbing?

May I answer? You and your husband may be paragons of parenting, but this dad has not displayed the best decision-making abilities thus far. That's what I find disturbing.

Have I missed something? Is there another thread that has more information that I am unaware of? The way I see it is the little girl has had a difficult life thus far and he is doing what he can to make her feel safe, secure, and loved. I see these as good traits in a parent.

Can you suggest that a single bed be placed near his bed and they discuss a transition from there to her own room?Perhaps over the course of a few months?I personally slept in my mums bed every chance I got up to the time before she died.There are daddys and mums who can really do this and intend no harm.(certainly not my dad....the first time I asked to sleep in his bed cause mum was gone,he went evil on me)But what a position for you to have to deal with.I would be frustrated personally.I think ,for her benefit,everything else aside,that the sooner he can encourage her to be more self sustaining,the sooner she can come to realize a bit more confidence in herself.Kinda like co-dependency.It does nothing to assist her in understanding that she is safe even with some space away from dad.I guess there will be a wide array of opinion with your situation.

I dont see anything wrong with parents sharing their kids beds and the kids sharing the parents beds. theres even a name for it - communal sleeping, bed sharing and many other names.

in the USA its not as common as other countries but it still is widely used in some cultures and religions and locations.

I slept with my parents and siblings well into my teen age yrs. in fact even after we could afford half the beds we needed we all had the bed sharing down pat. this one slept with this one and that one slept with that one and my mother slept my dad and at least two others.

theres millions of homeless people in the US sharing beds between the parents and the children.

theres millions of people in domestic violence shelters bed sharing and room sharing.

even with the foster care system they dont always have enough beds to go around so bed sharing and room sharing goes on between foster children and between the foster children and foster parents.

in the USA theres nothing wrong with it as long as no abuse is going on and everyone doing the bed sharing is getting enough sleep.

its actually quite natural and in some cases instinctual for parents to sleep with their children either in the childs beds or bringing the children to the parents beds.

also bed sharing is not illegal in the USA.

as long as this guy doing the bed sharing is an adult and you are not his court appointed guardian with decision making rights over him theres nothing you can do. you cant not control who he brings to his bed whether its another lady, guy or his children and you can not control where he sleeps either.

all you can control is what you do with your own self. that means you can either -

accept the fact that this guy has a very close bond with his children and will continue to do so even if it means he is going to bring his children to his bed or sleep in their beds with them and continue to share your life with him and have a life together with him and his children

or

you can not accept this is the way its going to be and move on out of his and his childrens lives.

as long as theres no abuse going on he is legally and ethically able to continue sleeping with his children either in his bed or theirs.

Parenting skills, techniques, and theories are very personal. The one thing that is more provoking than religion and politics combined is parenting techniques. It is frustrating when someone dismisses what you view as a successful practice out of hand. I have raised four amazing human beings from birth to adulthood; three of them in service professions a therapist, a future police officer, and future teacher. I do not need an expert to validate my parenting skills. I have a very open loving relationship with all of my children and I am grateful for it every day. There is one thing that I have done right in my life without question and it is being a parent, I was far from perfect but I am an excellent parent. Our principles were simple: our children come absolutely first and everything was done with love. While the practices we have used to raise our children may not work for your child, the principles absolutely will. I openly accept and embrace that there are other ways to raise happy healthy children. Some people swear by the Ferber method, I find that approach barbaric. My SIL used this method and her children (now adults) are fine.
I asked the question: “What specifically do you find so disturbing?” I should probably have also asked “Why?” The question was not posed to be argumentative. It was meant to be thought provoking. Some things can be worked out, others cannot. Some situations you can just walk away from and some require you to do something before you leave. You do not have to answer these questions to me, but it would be a good idea to get an honest answer for yourself. Are you upset because this makes you uncomfortable or out of a genuine concern for the girl’s best interest? If it is the latter, how do you think this is negatively affecting her? Either way your feelings are valid, but it would be a good idea to know where they stem from.
The statement that he is overly affectionate and that he will do anything for his daughter at the drop of a hat as if it is a bad thing sounds very foreign to me. Can you elaborate?

Sounds like beds are being totally equated with sex.

Well,for some it does seem to be getting "equated with sex"...but I gather 'OP' feels a bit left out....maybe jealous.I might feel a bit of a lack of concern for my feelings I think,just from the depiction of a lack of compromise or empathy.But from the quotes below,O.P's response to this thing points to some other,much deeper issues.Certainly a woman doesn't want to be told on a regular basis that her mate will be sleeping with daughter and not her much of the time.My experience with my dad was abnormal....but since I have friends who did this (allowed kids to sleep with them),and I had no issue sleeping with mum....I can envision a dad ,a healthy dad or one with no malicious intent doing the same.In fact I know of a dad who does this,and I never thought it was more than him just being a dad who loved his two kids.But,I guess what O.P needs is ,since it bothers her; because she feels left out,a way to breach the subject for some compromise or change?

You stated:
"I'm not worried that anything is going on sexually", then said you were "diabolically opposed"(Definition of DIABOLICAL: of, relating to, or characteristic of the devil)
,that "I got furious (another very strong term/emotional response)over it",and that "he was overly affectionate" (is that even possible?Balance is a healthy thing but affection in abundance is not unhealthy,there just needs to be balance ) with his daughter and does anything for her at the drop of a hat" & "he needed to have a plan to transition this situation or I was going to end it."(if you'd end an intimate relationship over something of this nature,there may not be much there to sustain the two of you to begin with)

He said he had no plan on "ending it" (ending it,almost sounds indicative of a male/female affair).He thinks I'm jealous and blowing things out of proportion.(are you?)

Perna says:
Between the quotations is the point of concern~
I think it is inappropriate and *almost abusive to the child*, who has no choice and is being ---"taught" that sleeping with grown men is okay"; not all grown men she encounters will be like her father but she is being "taught" they are!
I disagree....she is being taught nothing of the sort....if anything is concerning,it'd be that she may be lacking a plan for more of a sense of empowerment that she is ok away from dad for a time.I think that statement is over the top.

Bipolar Mark says:
It's a difficult one really and one that could potentially cause him problems further down the line. It would only need an over zealous parent of a friend of the child to read too much into the situation and he could find himself subject to an unwarranted multi agency investigation. It would probably be better if he gave the child some quality time and read some books to her in her own room as a settling down time and left his daughter to sleep on her own. It could inhibit the child's development by not learning age appropriate independence? How will the child manage when her friend wants her to sleep over or go on holiday with the school? Just a thought but good luck with the situation.
What a perfect reply....I really agree.

AAAAA says:
What is overly affectionate? How do you give your child too much affection?
100% agreed.

mgransays:
He needs to be protected too, in case some divvy out there hears what's happening and puts two and two together to make seventy six.
Absolutely....and there is the point of concern.

I just think that your interpretations of the situation over all,threats of abandoning him over this,choice of words,and some freudian slips....ie,"ending it"....are all things that you may want to pull apart and ask yourself the reason that you feel so strongly about this entire thing.It also appears that there is not very much tender empathy between the two of you...I don't know why that is.You might get some counseling for him and you.

Probably meant diametrically opposed.

IMO, children verging on puberty or close to it need to be taught proper boundaries and to have their own private space. It is unfortunate, but her classmates will not be understanding with this situation. Being different at home is an invitation for damaging taunting and bullying in school which can take years of therapy in adulthood to heal. It is obviously positive to teach them that being different is often a great thing. But sometimes you simply must follow societal norms when it comes to raising a child.

Sorry but it sounds to me like you are overstepping your boundaries a bit. I mean, this isn't your husband and its not your child. If you feel something is going on here then by all means call DFS.. otherwise I think you should leave this decision up to the father.

I understand what you are saying but I could not disagree with you more. I raised my children based upon my moral code and value system. My children had structure, discipline, and manners. Just because everyone else lets their kids run wild does not mean I am. This is how we change the social norm, by teaching our children our values and respect.

I'm really, really surprised at the number of responses defending the father's actions regarding sleeping with the 8 year old daughter. Yes, she has had a traumatic experience with a drug addicted mother, and the separation of parents, but dad is not doing her a favor with this sleep behavior. IF he mentioned this to a custody expert, he already KNOWS he would be placing his custody position in jeopardy. And you, DivorcedWoman, are correct to listen to your inner voice. Also, dad is overcompensating..."He is overly affectionate with his daughter and does anything for her at the drop of a hat."
This situation does not sound likely to change, and to whatever degree it does change, it sounds like you, DivorcedWoman, will be the "bad guy" in making such changes, reaping resentment from father AND daughter. Your inner voice is telling you something is not right. I say move on.